“Bean? Are you okay?”
“Huh?” Bean shook his head, then offered a sheepish grin to his fellow prince. “Sorry, Shining. I still can’t get over how enormous Twilight’s castle is.”
“It’s not as big as yours.”
“I don’t have one,” Bean noted with a grin. “My wife has one. I’m just a squatter that the landlords happen to like.”
“You know what I mean.” Shining gave Bean a playful shove. “Still, Twilight definitely earned it, you have to admit,” he added with some ill-hidden pride while he pushed the main doors open.
“Your sister has in every way imaginable.” Bean paused and tapped his chin. “I wonder how many bathrooms are in here.”
“Twenty-two.”
“Okay, now you’re just showing off.” Bean chuckled. “You are going to take it easy on me, right? I’ve never played this game before.”
“Bean, I’m really beginning to wonder if you had a life before you met Celestia,” Shining retorted as they made their way to the throne room. “How do you live this long and not play Ogres and Oubliettes?”
“How do you live this long and never learn the difference between teaspoons and tablespoons?” Bean countered with a devious grin. “I just lived a deprived childhood, I guess. Show me a little pity.”
“You’ll get no such thing out of me.” Shining’s magic pushed open the door to his sister’s throne room and he snorted. “Not after your routing of my fantasy buckball league. You’ve got the best case of beginner’s luck ever.”
“I did try to warn you about Wild Wind.”
“You did,” Shining said with a grin. “So I’m not going to make that mistake again.”
“Hey guys!” Spike called out gleefully from his perch in Twilight’s chair. “Come on in! I’ve just about got everything ready.”
“How’s it going, Spike?” Shining asked. “Where would you like us to sit?”
“Doesn’t matter. They’re all the same.” Spike waved a claw at the thrones, and then carefully placed a small cardboard drawing on the table that reminded Bean of The Great and Powerful Trixie, if she had somehow been turned into an octopus. “Did you bring the cookies, Your Highness?”
“Didn’t I tell you I’m too short for that Highness stuff?” Bean threatened with a grin. “We don’t need titles getting in the way of the game. To answer your question, I have the cookies right here.” Bean carefully placed his saddlebag on the table, and Spike giggled when he produced a large container that was filled to the brim with discs of delight. “I gotta admit, I’ve never baked cookies with amethysts in them before. I hope I got them right. Shining, I’ve got some snickerdoodles and chocolate chip cookies for us in the other pouch.”
Spike snagged one of Bean’s specially made cookies, sniffed it, and took a tentative bite. He hummed a bit as he crunched and munched, but then he held it up and pointed to it with his other claw. “Awesome! You gotta make these again!”
Bean laughed as the rest of the treat disappeared in one swift bite. “I’ll save that recipe, then. Hopefully this means you’ll take it easy on me during the game?”
“Oh, sure,” Spike scoffed before stuffing another cookie into his mouth. “I always go easy with virgins. Trust me, you’ll enjoy it. I’ve never had any complaints before.”
“Players, Spike,” Shining cut in. “Virgin players. I’ve told you, if you insist on using that word, you need to add the ‘players’ part.”
“Why?” Spike asked innocently. “What else would I be talking about?”
Shining Armor coughed into a hoof, and for some odd reason, the tips of his ears were a vibrant red. “Hey, didn’t you say you were going to invite somepony else?”
“I did, but Big Mac can’t make it. He has to take care of the harvest at Sweet Apple Acres today. Us three will still have lots of fun, though. Why don’t we get a character sheet going for Bean?”
“Sounds good,” Shining said. “Have a seat, Bean. This’ll just take a minute.”
Baked Bean used that minute to look over the gameboard that Spike had set up, but he had to admit that the whole thing looked a bit complicated and a little overwhelming. Shining had tried to explain a few of the rules during the train ride into Ponyville, but Bean wasn’t quite seeing how the various bags of multi-sided dice fit in to what he had been told.
Of course, Bean had not known that a die could have more than six sides to it before now. At least Spike had what looked like an instruction book, so there was something to refer to if Bean got lost.
Failing all else, Spike had provided a plethora of snacking options, and Bean took a moment to grab some hay chips while Shining placed a small pile of papers on the table.
“All right. Since you’ve never played, we need to make your character.” Spike took a blank form from Shining and licked the tip of the pencil he’d produced. “Name?”
“Baked Bean.”
“No, I mean, what do you want your character’s name to be?”
“Oh. What are my choices?”
“Whatever you want!” Spike gleefully announced. “That’s the best part of this game, you get to use your imagination! See, I’m Garbunkle,” Spike grabbed the roughly-drawn character card and passed it to Bean. “I’m a famous level twenty six magician, and everyone treats me with the utmost respect. Big Mac’s character is Sir McBiggun, a level twenty five black knight unicorn from Castle Chadwick. Shining, which avatar are you using?”
“Gleaming Shield,” Shining said as he produced his character card with his magic and rubbed a hoof on his chest. “Just a humble level twenty seven paladin with some serious skill points in strength, stamina, charm and persuasion.”
“And that’s the best name you could come up with?” Bean said with a small snort of amusement.
“Hey, Cadence likes it,” Shining said with a smirk. “Your name is going to be Mud if you keep that sass going.”
“Why don’t we get your class picked out first, then we can figure out a name,” Spike offered. “Roll the die, and we’ll see what your options are.”
Bean took a moment to look over the twenty-sided oddity before tossing it on the table. Once it stopped, both Shining and Spike sucked in a sharp breath.
“What? What’d I do?”
“Nothing, it’s just…” Spike flipped open his book with a grimace. “You rolled a one.”
“Is that bad?”
“Yeah, it’s not good,” Shining said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anypony roll a one on class before.”
“Should I roll again?”
“Can’t,” Spike said. “The whole world of Ogres and Oubliettes runs on the Rule of the Dice. Us veteran players have a saying: ‘the dice giveth, and the dice taketh away.’ You just have to,” he snickered “roll with the punches.”
“Swell,” Bean muttered.
“So, with a one, you can be…” Spike squinted, then glanced up with an apologetic attempt at a grin. “Well, you can be a cook.”
“A cook,” Bean repeated flatly. “So, my character is what I am in real life?”
“Hey, it’s not as bad as it looks,” Shining hastily offered. “In fact, this might be really good. Since you’re a cook, you don’t have to worry about weapon or armor stats for right now, and that’ll give you a chance to see how the game works without getting bogged down with a lot of technical information.”
“He’s got a good point,” Spike said with a nod. “Plus, since you’re a cook, you can really help us out during the quest. If we build up the right stats, your cooking could heal us after a fight, and having fresh meals will help our overall stamina, too. We’ll be able to travel farther each day.”
Bean tilted his head and thought this information over. Though he would rather be something cool, like an archer or a cleric, he had to admit that Spike and Shining had some good points. Being a cook would also allow him to use his own personal experience as they went through Spike’s prefabricated storyline, too. “Do I have to be a cook every time I play this game now?”
“You can always make another character, if you want,” Shining said. “Gleaming Shield is my favorite, but I also have a bard and a rogue I use from time to time.”
“All right.” Bean huffed. “But just this once! Maybe I could be a dragon next time.”
“Good luck,” Spike scoffed with a grin. “It’s super hard to get a dragon class. So now that we have that set, let’s get some skill stats. First, let’s have you roll for your ability, then will see about stamina and intelligence.”
“If I roll a one on intelligence, I’m leaving,” Bean threatened as he took the determiner of his destiny in hoof. “There’s nothing more dangerous than an idiot cook.”
The die was cast, and another sharp breath was taken in by the two experienced players.
“Well, I rolled a two that time.” Bean nudged the round-ish die. “That’s twice as good, right?”
“Um, no,” Spike slowly said, his claws flipping through the pages of his book. “A twenty is good. Getting a two means… oh boy.”
“Be gentle,” Bean pleaded.
“A two means the only thing you can do well is boil leeks. If you try to make anything else, you’ll fail, unless you somehow roll a twenty to counteract your innate inability to cook. Or not-cook, as it seems.”
Shining Armor glanced to the rapidly deflating Bean, then to the dungeon master. “Spike, you know as well as anybody that I’m all for the Rule of the Dice, but I think we’re going to have to make a one-time exception here. Bean’s not going to have any fun if his character insta-fails everything. For the rest of these stats, we keep rolling until he at least gets something in the teens. Deal?”
“Yeah, let’s do that.” Spike snagged the uncooperative icosahedron and studied it closely. “I don’t get it. This is supposed to be perfectly balanced, or at least as close to perfect as you can get. Maybe it just doesn’t like you?”
“Now there’s a pleasant thought,” Bean muttered. “I’ve somehow managed to anger inanimate objects.”
“Hey, bad rolls happen,” Shining said in a reassuring tone. “Usually they wait until the actual game, but that’s the inherent risk. If we can’t figure out a way to make this work, we’ll just start over.”
“Shining is right,” Spike said with a nod. “We both want you to have fun. In fact, I think with a few little tweaks to the campaign we can make this work. Let’s get the rest of these stats filled in, and then we’ll get started.”
* * ✹ * *
“Okay, I think we’ve got everything ready,” Spike announced, and he turned to Shining Armor with a playfully devious grin. “Gleaming Shield, are you ready to enter the world of Ogres and Oubliettes?”
“Ha ha! I am always ready for action, noble Garbunkle!” Shining proclaimed, thumping a hoof to his chest.
“Mud, are you ready to take part in our most noble quest?”
Bean nudged the character card in front of him, and he did his best to suppress a sigh.⁽*⁾ “I suppose so. Hopefully this gets better as we go.”
⁽*⁾It didn’t work very well.
—
“It will, trust me.” Spike rolled two dice behind a screen that sat to his right, studied his book for a quick moment, and then cleared his throat. “Okay. Our journey begins outside an old, run-down inn. Gleaming Shield and Garbunkle have been relentlessly pursuing the evil Squizard, but their strength has run out and they need to rest for the night. We enter the inn to find Mud—um, that’s you, Baked Bean—behind the counter, but there’s nopony else around.”
“You sure this is a fantasy? It sounds suspiciously like any night when my parents left me in charge at the Zuerst.”
“Gleaming Shield and I approach,” Spike pressed on, undeterred by Bean’s comment. “Now, it’s your turn, so what do you want to do?”
“Well, I guess I greet you,” Bean said. “This is gonna be a short game if I run you two off.”
“Hail, fair innkeeper!” Shining said at a volume that was a few decibels shy of Royal Canterlot Voice levels. “I am Gleaming Shield, Paladin of the Order of Grey Skull, an ancient and mystic Brotherhood founded to spread unity and peace across the land! My companion is the wise and venerable Garbunkle, Grand Wizard of Spiketopia and Magus to the Diamond Princess. We seek respite from our travels. Have you a room available?”
“You really get into this, don’t you?” Bean asked as he rubbed the inner part of his ear.
“That’s what makes it fun!” Spike gleefully announced.
“Try thinking about this like you’re writing a book,” Shining offered, “and Mud is one of the main characters. How would he react to the events going on around him? You’ll enjoy the game a lot more if you really throw yourself into it.”
Bean hesitated, but then he shrugged. “All right. Let me see. ‘Yes, you overbearing oaf! You don’t need to shout at me! Blasted paladins, always yelling at everypony.’”
“Not bad,” Spike said, and Bean grinned a bit. “Taking the grouchy route, eh?”
“Hey, if I’m a cook who can’t, I’m going to be cranky. I’m probably dirt poor and starving.” Bean cleared his throat, and continued. “You wanna stay, you gotta pay. Room’ll cost you a hundred, plus tax.”
Spike held up a claw and grinned deviously before Shining could reply. “Now it’s Shining’s turn. Hopefully he wasn’t insulted by your tone or your price. Shining, what do you want to do?”
“A hundred!” Shining lost himself in the role once more. “By Rockhoof’s beard, I’ve never heard of such an exorbitant price! This is highway robbery, I’m sure of it! I refuse to pay more than twenty!”
“So now what?” Spike asked Bean. “Are you going to let him get away with that?”
Bean started to say yes, but then he stopped. What would he have Mud do if this was one of his stories? What would his readers want to see? Surely they wouldn’t want to have him just roll over and accept Shining’s terms, there was no drama in that.
Bean’s eyes flitted down to his character sheet. Thanks to Shining’s temporary reprieve on bad dice rolls, Mud had respectable⁽*⁾ charisma and intelligence stats. A small grin came as Bean quickly plotted out his move. “Spike, I want to haggle with Shining. Er, Gleaming.”
⁽*⁾Well, they were higher than two.
—
“Grab the die, and let’s see how well you do,” Spike replied with a proud smile.
Bean shook the die and whispered an unheard wish for a decent roll. He then let the master of his fate loose upon the table, and he cringed as it bounced and rolled.
“Twenty! Nice,” Spike said, and Bean felt a flood of relief wash over him. “Okay. So the two of you hash it out, but in the end, you manage to talk Gleaming Shield into paying two hundred and ten for the room. That’ll be useful when we buy your gear. Gleaming isn’t quite sure how you managed to pull that off, but he doesn’t offer any further argument.”
“Now that we have that settled, innkeeper,” Shining announced, “We also require sustenance. What can you provide to two weary travellers?”
“Ouch, all the way down to the foundation,” Garbunkle noted. “You know, I could have put that fire out if you hadn’t tripped and crashed into me.”
Mud looked over the smoldering remains of his livelihood. “Hey, I told both of you I can’t cook. You still owe me for the room, by the way.”
“Well,” Gleaming Shield turned to the now homeless pony and offered a sympathetic grin. “Perhaps some good can come from this. Our journey will be long and hazardous, Mud, and we could use a travelling companion. Especially one who just so happens to have a map,” he said with an excess of emphasis.
Mud turned to his singed saddlebag, and amazingly enough, a rolled up map emerged from one of the pouches. “Well, lookit that. Figures I can roll a fifteen on map-having, but not fire-put-outting. Since I don’t have anything better to do, I guess I’ll tag along.”
“Excellent!” Gleaming roared, and he pulled his new companion into a bone-crunching hug. “Our fellowship will surely mean certain doom for the Squizard and all of his undead armies! Fear not, fair Shmarity! Your salvation is nigh!”
“Spike, do I need to roll to see if I survive this hug?” Mud wearily asked.
* * ✹ * *
“So, then Snotfang tells me to scout out the southern pass,” Killgore said with a huff. “He’s all high-and-mighty about it, too. ‘We’re the Squizard’s elite goblin army, it’s time we act it. Work smarter, not harder,’ blah blah blah.”
“You’re kidding, right?” Crusher said.
“I wish I was. And then, I was all like, ‘Snot, we all have a listed intelligence of ten. There’s only so much I can do with that.’”
“Yeah! Does he think we’re Xvarts or something?” Crusher agreed. “So then what?”
“I guess he didn’t like that.” Killgore took a moment to examine the edge of his blade, and then he went back to sharpening. “That’s why I’m here with you.”
“Could be worse,” Crusher said with a shrug.
“Yeah, so I… wait.” Killgore froze, and the two goblin mooks glanced down the mountain pass they were guarding. “Did you hear something?”
“I’m not sure. Shut up for a minute.”
A soft breeze began to blow, and upon it, the goblin guards almost heard a trio of ponies whispering to each other. “Okay, guys. We gotta sneak by this goblin camp to get to the town. Roll for stealth.”
“I don’t hear nothing,” Killgore muttered.
“Shut up!” Crusher ordered.
“I got an eighteen,” one voice whispered at a volume that was just outside of the goblin’s range of hearing.
“Fifteen,” another voice said, a little bit louder but still soft enough to go undetected.
“I GOT A FOUR!”
Killgore leapt to his feet and brandished his blade as Crusher hastily retreated into the camp. “I know I heard that. Who’s out there?!”
“HEY GUYS! DID YOU HEAR ME?! I GOT A FOUR!”
Killgore squinted and growled. He had no idea how he’d missed it before, but it was now clear as day that there was a pony nearby, and a rather moronic looking one at that.
“Shut up! He’s going to see us!” the grass to his left hissed.
“DON’T WORRY, GUYS! I CAN TAKE ‘EM!”
“No you can’t!” the grass on the pony’s right said as Killgore began to slowly advance. “You don’t have any weapons! What are you going to do, talk them to death?”
Killgore glanced back as his fellow goblins began to spill out of the camp, and he grinned as the shaman of their group quickly joined them. Invisible or not, these three intruders would soon learn why ponies should never sneak up on goblins.
“Can I talk them to death? Is that a thing?” the pony asked. “What would I have to roll for that to work?”
“You’d need a fourteen, at least. Eighteen to be sure.”
“Killgore, what is going on?” The shaman asked as the goblins began to surround the intruder. “Is there more than one pony?”
“I think so, but I can’t see them.”
“Invisibility Purge,” the shaman intoned. A ball of black smoke sprang from his hand and hit the gabby goober in front of them. Instantly, a paladin and a wizard appeared next to the idiot, and all three glanced around sheepishly.
“I failed the spot check, didn’t I?” the paladin asked.
“At least I’m not the only one messing things up,” the first pony dryly remarked. “Now what?”
The wizard hesitated for a moment. “Um, I think we need to go to plan B.”
“Is that the one where I set something on fire?” the first pony asked.
“Wait, I take that back. We need plan C.”
“What’s plan C?”
“Seize them!” the shaman barked, and the mass of goblins surged forward as a sea of spittle and swords.
“RUN AWAY!” the wizard screamed.
“Okay.” Garbunkle leaned on his staff as he and Mud looked over the gaping maw that was the entrance to a foreboding and ominous chasm. “Since we couldn’t sneak by the goblins, this is the only other way to go. Problem is, it’s full of all sorts of nasty critters.”
“Uh, I hate to interrupt, Spike,” Mud cut in, “but shouldn’t we wait for Gleaming?”
“Huh? Oh. Nah, it’s okay. We’ll fill Shining in on the details of the plan once he gets back with the chips and dip,” Garbunkle said.
“If you say so.”
“As I was saying, this chasm is filled with all sorts of nasties: we got hydras, chimeras, timberwolves, and those pesky bats that always dive down out of nowhere and bite you when you’re in the dark.” Garbunkle shuddered, but then he pointed to a pair of small cairns a few feet away from them. “The only way to get through it is to follow that path exactly, and then at certain waypoints, there’s a riddle we have to solve. We’ll probably need to fight a few monsters, but so long as we avoid fighting as much as possible, I think we’ve got about a thirty eight percent chance of—”
“Hey guys!” Gleaming suddenly sprang up out of nowhere and gave his companions a heart attack at the same time. “I got the cool ranch and nacho cheese, plus some corn chips and a barrel of dip. So, we’re going through the chasm, right? Let’s do this! GLEEEAAAAAMING SHIELD!”
With that, the overzealous paladin took off, his blade flashing in the sunlight as he began to hack and slash at everything that dared to move. It took a moment for Garbunkle and Mud to realize what had happened, but once they did, Garbunkle quickly hopped on to Mud’s back.
“I can’t believe he just took off! Quick, after him!”
“Shut up.”
Mud and Garbunkle continued to snicker as the party passed through the gates of the local village. Even if they had wanted to stop laughing—which they didn’t—there was no way they would be able to after what had happened in the chasm.
“I said shut up,” Gleaming Shield grumbled. “It’s not funny. Cadence is never going to let me live this down. At least I got the chicken.”
“Are you kidding?” Garbunkle blurted. “This is hilarious!”
“Look, let’s just get Mud his gear and be on our way. I want to get this over with as quickly as possible.”
“It’s not going to be that simple, you know,” Garbunkle said. “You’re going to need a whole new set of armor now, and a few other accessories. It’s going to cost you a fortune in gold.”
“I know, I know!” Gleaming snapped. “I’m still going to keep my old stuff. Maybe there’s an enchanter or an alchemist who can undo this.”
“I wouldn’t count on it. The dice have spoken. Remember, the dice giveth, and the dice…”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence! I’m sick of hearing it.”
“Aw, c’mon, Gleaming.” Mud glanced to Garbunkle, and the two of them had to hesitate for a moment in an effort to suppress their laughter. “You just need to roll with the punches, right? Besides, I bet the shopkeeper has some nice pink bows that you could pick from.”
Gleaming had no reply beyond vague, unintelligible threats.
The snickering and the grousing continued until the trio reached a nondescript shop in the middle of the town, and Mud managed to contain himself long enough to read the sign that hung outside the door. “‘Porto Bella’s Weapons, Armor, and Sundries.’ Sundries?”
“Little stuff, like canvas bags or blankets. If you need it, Bella’s got it.”
“Oh, like custom fit armor for my girlish figure?” Mud asked, running a hoof down the length of his barrel.
“I said shut up!” Gleaming moaned with a sniffle. “I liked that paladin…”
Garbunkle and Mud were nearly consumed with giggles as a cheerful bell announced the arrival of the party to the interior of the shop. At first glance, the store seemed to be devoid of any shopkeeper, but Mud was rather impressed by the collection of swords, spears, and battle axes that lined the walls.
“Just a moment!” A harried voice called out from somewhere in the back. “Ooh, I can never find that pesky… I know it was just… oh, rats. The cat’s eaten it. Well, I’ll just have to start over, I suppose.”
A dull grey mare with a jet black mane then stumbled into the main area, her forelegs loaded with a variety of beakers, bottles, flasks, and jars, some empty and some filled with brightly-colored liquids. She proceeded to carefully deposit the entire collection onto a nearby workbench, and then with a sigh of relief, she turned to her customers.
“Ah! Garbunkle! It’s been ages, my friend! Welcome back,” she greeted as she pulled the wizard into a friendly hug. “I see you made some new friends?”
“Well, it’s only one new friend,” Garbunkle stated with another round of giggles. “Bella, this is Mud: cook, conversationalist, and navigator. He’s got a map that’s going to lead us right to the Squizard’s hidden lair. We need to get him the finest weapon and armor you’ve got.”
“Not a problem. I’ve got everything that a greenhorn like you could ever need,” Bella said with a warm smile for Mud. “But who’s this other pony? Have I met her before?”
“You could say that,” Garbunkle said while trying and failing to not laugh. “Take a good, long look. I bet she looks familiar.”
“Gleaming Shield?!” Bella staggered back a step, and her laughter blended in with the riotous uproar from Mud and Garbunkle. “What have you done to yourself?”
“I got into a fight with some monsters and lost.” Gleaming Shield pulled a stray lock of silky blue mane out of her eyes. “And somehow, I managed to use a reincarnation potion instead of a resurrection potion. I swear had some left over from my last adventure!”
“Mud,” Bella managed after a furious fit of laughter “let this be a lesson to you. Always check your inventory, and always make sure your potions are labeled properly. Looks like Gleaming managed to keep most of her experience in beauty and charms, at least.”
“All right, Spike,” Gleaming Shield fumed with a furious flick of her long, luxurious tail. “You’ve had your fun, now let’s get on with this already. I’m a mare, ha ha ha. Get it out of your system and get Bean a weapon already. If you need me, I’ll be over here, rolling for my new equipment.”
“Ah, the pretty filly has a good point,” Bella said while flicking a tear away. “The Squizard isn’t going to defeat himself. Mud, come over here and let’s find you something sharp. Once we get that done, I’ll go take Gleaming’s new measurements and find her something a bit more comfortable to wear.”
“I heard that!” Gleaming growled from a corner.
“Now, let me see.” Bella pried open Mud’s mouth, and she clucked a bit as she studied his teeth intently. “Not bad, not bad. I think I know just the thing. Nothing flashy, of course. Let’s try this out.”
Mud’s gaze went to the floor, and a hoof scuffed the surface. “I bet thirty gold I roll a one. She’s probably going to give me a frying pan and a set of pots.”
“Only one way to find out,” Garbunkle noted.
There was a brief moment of hesitation, and Mud winced when Bella let out a cheer of delight. “Here we go! Now, Mud, since you are a cook, I can only give you a specific set of items.”
“Here we go,” Mud muttered.
“For example, it does no good to give a broadsword to an archer, nor does it do any good to give a longbow to a berserker. So, in your case, I’m going to have to give you something suitable for a cook.”
“It’s a frying pan, isn’t it?”
Bella smiled, and she held out what appeared to be a plain sword. “No, something a bit better than that. This item in my hooves looks like a gladius sword. It is balanced like a gladius sword, it chops like a gladius sword. If I gave it to Gleaming, it would be a gladius sword. If I gave this to Garbunkle, it would be a gladius sword.
“But since you are a cook, it is not a gladius sword. For you, this is an exceptionally long and double-edged chef’s knife. Go ahead, take it. It’s one of my finer blades. Gleaming Shield can show you how to use your exceptionally long and double-edged chef’s knife as if it were a gladius sword, and once you master that, you can move up to the heavier weaponry.”
“That’s a good sword. Er, chef’s knife,” Garbunkle noted with a nod of satisfaction. “I can show you a few things, too. Now, if we pair this with a tremendously oversized cutting board, you’ll have everything you need to take on the Squizard.”
Mud took the not-a-sword in mouth, and he gave it a few experimental swings. A smile came as he felt the sharp edge slash through the air.
“You know what? I like it!”
“Okay. So we need to get into that stronghold,” Garbunkle said, his face set in a determined scowl. “The local warlord has vital information about the Squizard’s hidden lair. The only question is, how do we get in?”
“Can we storm the gates?” Mud offered.
“Woah there, Killer.” Gleaming Shield put a hoof in front of Mud to keep him from doing anything rash. “I know you like your exceptionally long and double-edged chef’s knife, but discretion is the better part of valor. The castle of Baron Mos Eisley is a wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.”
Mud grumbled, but as he looked the guards posted at the parapets, he knew Gleaming was right. There had to be dozens of them, all armed to the teeth with swords, bows, and shields. It would take an army of Gleaming Shields to successfully stage a direct frontal assault.
“Perhaps I could throw you and Mud over the walls,” Gleaming mused. “I would then engage our enemy at the gates, and you two could make your way to the center of the foul keep.”
“You know, it might work better if I throw you in,” Mud said before breaking down into a fit of giggles with Garbunkle once more.
“Har har.”
“Serious! You have more close-range battle experience, right?”
“The idea is tempting, but we have no idea what’s inside those walls,” Garbunkle said. “For every one of them that we see, there could be ten more that we don’t.”
Garbunkle and Gleaming continued to debate the best course of action, but Mud’s attention was drawn away by the marketplace just to the left of the keep’s main gates. A hoofful of merchants were hawking their wares to the passing crowds, but there was one in particular who seemed to be having no luck at all.
“Spike?” Mud cut in, and he pointed to the hapless vendor. “You did say there was a peasant selling cabbages at the nearby market, right?”
“Yeah. What about him?”
“Garbunkle, Gleaming, I have an idea,” Mud announced. “I think I need to make a purchase. I need you to get a fire going for me.”
“Fire? Why?”
“Just trust me. I’ll be right back.”
Garbunkle shrugged when Gleaming glanced to him, but the two had a roaring fire going by the time Mud returned, a large pot in his hooves. The cabbage merchant followed him, his entire stock in a wagon he was towing, and his grin grew with each jingle of the substantially larger coin pouch around his belt.
“Right there, sir, and thank you for bringing those over,” Mud said. “All right. Now, Garbunkle, I want to make some soup.”
“You do?”
“Yup. Cabbage soup. A big ol’ pot of it. I don’t think it’ll take that long, do you?”
Gleaming Shield held up a hoof with a toss of her exquisite mane. “Hold it, Mud. I don’t see how this is going to help us out. I guess we could try to entice the guards out with a gourmet meal, but unless you roll a twenty, that’s not going to…”
Garbunkle snickered as realization dawned on Gleaming. “Wait. You foul demon! You wouldn’t dare!”
“Oh, I dare. Never bet against a cook when cabbages are on the line.”
~ * ~
“Ugh!” Garbunkle wretched. “That has got to be the foulest thing I have ever smelled! How did you manage to turn cabbage and water into that?”
“What can I say?” Mud said as he rubbed a hoof on his chest. “I’m just that bad. Gleaming, would you mind throwing that pot into the stronghold for me?”
“Anything to get rid of this tartarus-spawned ooze from the abyss,” Gleaming said as she hastily grabbed the disgusting pot. “Gads! The Squizard himself would flee in terror from this abomination!”
“That’s the idea,” Mud said with a grin.
Gleaming Shield took in a deep breath, and as quickly as she could, she took aim and tried to calculate the trajectory. Once set, she dry heaved once, and then with a shout, she spun and sent the payload soaring towards the unsuspecting guards.
At first, there was just a few shouts of annoyance, and then everything grew deathly still. For a moment, Mud wondered if his plan was going to work.
Then the main gates slammed open, and the Baron’s minions trampled over each other in their efforts to flee, all the while shouting about the stench and the horrible, horrible burning. The peasants in the marketplace watched in fascinated horror for a few moments, but once the wind brought the malevolent smell out from behind the walls, it only took a few moments to clear the stalls as well.
“There we go!” Mud announced. “Now, since I’m immune to my own bad cooking, I’ll go find that warlord. I’m sure he’ll be happy to come talk to us, and if he isn’t, I’ll just have to whip up another batch of cabbage soup.”
“You are one sick pony,” Gleaming said with a laugh.
“This is it, my friends,” Gleaming said, her face grim with determination. “The inner sanctum of the Squizard’s evil hidden lair. Doubtless the foul beast is within, as is the fair Shmarity. Courage and fortitude will be needed if we are to be victorious.”
Garbunkle’s staff sparked and flickered with pent-up magical energy. “That evil monster won’t know what hit him! He will rue the day he dared to cross our paths!”
“Are you two sure I can’t do anything stupid with this swo—er, this exceptionally long and double-edged chef’s knife?” Mud asked, the concern heavy in his words. “I really don’t want to stab one of you mid-battle.”
“Come, noble Mud!” Gleaming said. “We shall need your blade and your strength if we are to be victorious! For the honor of Grey Skull!”
“For the Princess Shmarity!” Garbunkle added.
“For the cabbages!” Mud shouted.
The iron door that separated the heroes from their prize stood no chance against Garbunkle’s magic and Gleaming’s rear hooves. The three charged into the room, their weapons at the ready, only to find a room that was completely empty.
“What?” Mud asked. “Did we go to the wrong place?”
“Nay!” Gleaming bellowed, her massive sword cleaving the empty air as she pranced about in a circle. “This is naught but a foul trick of the Squizard’s doing! Show yourself, you evil monster!”
“Monster?” a high-pitched voice pierced the air with a nasally, snorting laugh. “Oh, you flatter me, Gleaming! I was hoping you would stop in today. I absolutely love what you’ve done with your looks! Your curves are so lithe and lean! Do you have to use a detangler on those luscious locks? Me-nee-he-he-he!”
“Where’s Smarity?!” Garbunkle demanded. “Release her, now!”
“Oh, did you think she was here? Such a pity. Our princess is in another castle, you half-wit wizard!”
“NOOO!” Garbunkle fell to his knees and shook a fist angrily at the heavens. “You will pay for this, Squizard!”
Mud whipped around in a tight circle as the sound of wet noodles hitting a brick wall began to echo in the empty chamber. His heart began to race, and his breath came in short, ragged bursts.
This was it. The Squizard was coming, whether he was ready or not.
“You know, Garbunkle, I never tire of tormenting you,” the nasally voice gleefully proclaimed. “Maybe I’ll let you watch while I torture your friends for information. I bet that one with the exceptionally long and double-edged chef’s knife has all sorts of juicy secrets.”
“You’ll never get a word out of me!” Mud announced. “Show yourself!”
A long blue tentacle dropped from the sky, and the only thing that saved Mud from being turned into pony paste was his own quick reflexes. The cook then backpedaled to his friends, his blade at the ready, while the rest of the vile Squizard flowed down from the ceiling.
He was even more horrible than Mud had imagined. The wicked wizard had to be twice as tall as Gleaming Shield, with a face that not even a mother could love and tentacles that seemed to be too short for his bulbous body. The creature seemed to be oozing some sort of slime, or perhaps he was secreting mucus, but whatever it was, it smelled even worse than his bad cabbage soup.
“Be careful what you wish for!” The Squizard cackled. “Now, you will die!”
“Not today!” Gleaming screamed. “Forward, my friends! He shall taste our steel!”
Mud leapt into the air with Garbunkle and Gleaming, a burning fire of righteous indignation in his chest. At the peak of his leap, Mud began to swing his mighty knife, and with a furious scream—
“Bean? What are you doing?”
* * ✹ * *
Celestia giggled behind a hoof as she took in the scene before her. Her beloved husband, Shining Armor, and Spike had frozen in place atop the cutie mark map table, each of them holding a crude drawing of a fantasy character that looked something like themselves. In the moments just before she had interrupted, the three of them had been screaming, and they had been moving their characters towards an odd, Trixie-octopus looking thing at the center of a game board, but once they realized who had addressed them, they hastily dropped what they were holding.
“I see you’re having fun,” Celestia said before they could really get going. “Please, don’t let me interrupt. I was merely curious.”
“Celly!” Bean sprang over to her and began to prance in place. “You’ve got to play this game! We were just about to attack the evil Squizard, but we could always use another player! Right, guys?”
Celestia glanced to Shining Armor, who smiled sheepishly. “We’d have to start a new game, but we could let you play if you’d like, Auntie Celestia.”
“I shall summon my character sheet,” Luna announced gleefully. “I believe Pansy, my twenty-fifth level breezie druid would be most useful.”
“I’ll go get my barbarian stuff, too,” Cadence said with a playful sigh. “Twilight, do you want to join?”
“Sure! I have a level thirty two necromancer that I haven’t used for awhile. But first, I’m going to order pizzas for everypony. Do you fearsome warriors want anything?”
“Oo! How about a beet pesto pizza with feta cheese?” Bean said. “Make sure they add basil to the sauce and have them put some banana peppers on it. That really brings out the flavor.”
“Um, I’ll see what I can do,” Twilight said with a confused grin before walking over to Spike. “How about you?”
“I’d like a nice ruby pizza, or maybe something with pineapple and peridot.”
“You got it. Wait. Shining, what happened?” Twilight’s magic snagged Gleaming Shield’s character sheet before Shining Armor could react, and his admonishment to not look went unheeded. “I don’t remember your paladin being a mare. What did you do?”
“Bad encounter with some monsters,” he huffed with folded forelegs as Bean and Spike collapsed into a pile of laughter. “It’s not funny.”
Twilight’s eyes darted back and forth over the sheet before she began to snicker. “Cadence! Come check this out!”
“So, did my Mom and Wysteria head home already?” Bean asked Celestia, once he’d composed himself and the sisters-in-law began to laugh over Gleaming Shield’s changes.
“They did,” Celestia confirmed. “Your mother sends her love, and Trixie is helping Wysteria to get her affairs in order before she starts her maternity leave.”
“It’s about time. I was wondering if she was ever going to take a day off.”
“She decided it would be for the best, given the concerns that have arisen with her twins.”
“It looks like you girls had a good time, though.” Spike pointed to Princess Luna, who was snickering in the corner as she reviewed Gleaming’s sheet with Cadence. “Some of you a bit more than the others.”
“Yeah,” Shining agreed. “That’s gotta be the exact same manestyle my mom had back when Twily was born. Mom hasn’t had it that frizzed out in twenty years, I bet.”
“I think Luna looks nice,” Twilight announced, but then she smiled sheepishly. “Or, at least she looks very retro. But don’t either of you say anything about it! She really likes how it turned out.”
“Not a peep from us,” Spike said as he, Bean, and Shining made a motion like they were zipping their lips shut.
“Why don’t we discuss what has happened over dinner and a new game?” Celestia offered with a quick nuzzle for her love. “Whatever you were doing, it looked like fun, and I would like to join in.”
“Okay, but first, we need to make a character for you,” Bean’s eager announcement came as he snagged a blank character sheet and Spike’s pencil. “We’ll worry about the name in a minute. Let’s get your class figured out first. Roll this die, and then Spike can tell us what you got. Hopefully you can a healer of some sort; we could use one of those.”
“I hope so as well,” Celestia said as she picked up the die in her magic and gave it a roll. Once it stopped, however, Bean, Shining, Twilight, and Spike all drew in a sharp breath.
“Ah, a one!” Celestia cheered. “That is a good roll, isn’t it?”
* * ✹ * *