“Brilliant idea to turn off the quality control!” the pale green unicorn with a red mane said to his twin.
“Well, you shouldn’t have panicked!” the moustache’d shouted said as he continued driving the steam-powered vehicle with his green aura. “If it weren’t for you overreacting, Flim, we could have won that farm and gotten all the profits we would have needed to be set for life! Even the citizens of Ponyville knew that our cider was better!”
“But it was your idea to turn off the quality control and ruin our reputation,” Flim said as he knocked against one of the storage tubes, still full of cider and broken branches. “And who knows what happened to how others want to view us in other towns. There’s a reason that I am the leader, Flam, and that’s because I am the older brother and thus wiser! You only grew out your mother because mother said you looked more dignified with it!”
“And you have a little baby face!” Flam said. “You always were a baby, little brother, and never were big enough to make responsible, profitable decisions. You’re too young and inexperienced; you couldn’t even sell a piece of grass if you wanted to!”
Flim suddenly turned so angry his face turned as red as his mane. “Fine, you old man! I’m going to go off on my own, and I’ll prove to you I’m the better salespony!” And he jumped off the moving cider-making machine.
Flam turned around and shouted at his brother. “Ha! I’d like to see you do so. Anything else to say?”
“Look out!” Flim shouted.
“Are you trying to sell me something?” Flam said. “Well, I know better.”
“Turn around and drive!” Flim shouted.
“Are you already running back to your older brother? Ha ha ha! I can’t believe it! You really are a youngster. Well, I’m kic—”
Before he even realized it, Flam was falling down a large cliff at the edge of Ponyville, the same road that the carriage had been saved by the Mare-Do-Well. Flam watched his younger, clean-shaven brother at the top of the cliff and thought Why did they make a road that goes off the edge of a cliff? before blacking out.
- - - -
“Flam Flimflam, is it? I was expecting your arrival.”
What is that voice? Sounds… angelic…
“Wake up, Flam. There’s still so much to do, so much to see. Then again, we do have plenty of time to do it in.”
Flam opened an eye to find himself staring at the white hoof and golden shoe of an unfamiliar pony. Flam opened the other eye and looked upward to find himself staring at a rather large unicorn with Pegasus wings – an Alicorn – with pinkish eyes and a multi-colored mane staring back at him with a rather content smile on her face and a flaming red sun cutie mark on her flank. Flam jumped to his feet.
“You’re arrived right on schedule,” the alicorn said. “Your brother tried, but his change of heart was a bit too late.”
“What?” Flam suddenly remembered his falling off the cliff, the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 crashing into a million little pieces before he fell straight on one of the broken cider storage tubes before passing out. “Wait a minute, who are you?”
“Me? Most call me Celestia. I’m here to be your guide. And I could give you whatever you want.”
“What? What sort of place is this?”
“A special place,” Celestia replied. “It’s been a long time since someone’s arrived here. Well over a thousand years, I think.”
Flam wasn’t paying attention. “What are you? Are you a sort of cop? Are you here to arrest me for my attempt at a recent scam against the Apple Family?”
Celestia pulled a scroll out of her large flowing mane with a glowing gold aura from her horn and began to read from it. “Flam Flimflam. Born twenty-four years, three months, fifteen days, five hours, thirteen minutes, and twenty-two seconds ago. Your father is Smooth Talker and your mother is Loud Mouth. You’re a salesman and inventor of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000, which sold well at various companies in Trottingham, Phillydelphia, Las Pegasus, and even Sacramaneto only to fail after two months of keeping up with demand. Well played on that one, and seemed to have left your brother with quite a few bits to his name, but most of it was secretly spent on the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000’s development and testing of newer models leaving him with a mere 500 bits of the original profits.” Celestia rolled up the scroll and placed it back into her mane.
Flam was astounded. How did she know so much about him? Flam was sure he had never met her before a few minutes ago after waking up. “Who are you? Do you want me to sell you something? I could give you…” Flam searched around for something and ended up plucking a long piece of grass out from the ground and presenting unceremoniously towards Celestia. “I could give you this for 1000 bits.”
“I’ll take it,” Celestia said, pulling out a large bag and gave it to Flam.
Flam opened and counted out 1000 bits exactly. For a moment, all he could do was stand flabbergasted at the bits until Celestia spoke again.
“I said I could give you whatever you wanted,” she said gently. “And that means I’ll pay whatever price you want me to pay for something.”
Flam’s eyes opened wide. Something didn’t seem right. “What else is there?” Flam said, readying a spell with his horn. “There must be something different.”
“Follow me,” Celestia said. “We’ve got a fair amount to see.”
- - - -
Flam couldn’t believe his eyes even as much as he wanted to.
He was staring in what appeared to be a fairly accurate rendition of Canterlot, although Canterlot Castle was just a shade redder than he thought it would look like and the sky was a bit too red for midday. Not only that, he was standing in one of the high-end apartment buildings a few trots away from the high-end shopping districts and a few steps away to Canterlot Castle itself.
And the apartment wasn’t too shabby, either. There were famous paintings all over the walls, the coolest sheets and softest blankets on the bed, the comfiest couches, the most expensive fabrics for the window blinds, the best and most vibrant colored paints on the walls. The carpet was made of an expensive material that Flam couldn’t figure out and just seemed to support his hoof at the slightest touch and made it extremely comfortable to walk over. And the view from the top was absolutely fantastic.
“Wow!” Flam said as he stopped charging his spell and started wandering around in awe, looking into the bathroom with the golden tub and toilet. “How much would something like this cost normally?”
“About twenty million bits,” Celestia asked.
Flam gasped at the price, then smiled to himself. “How about I get it for fifteen million bits?”
“Deal,” Celestia said without hesitating.
“How about ten million bits?” Flam asked.
“I’ll take it.”
“One million bits?”
“Certainly.”
“Five hundred thousand bits?”
“Are you going to go any lower?”
“Fr—wha, what?”
“I said, are you going to ask for anything lower?”
“…how about free?”
“The apartment’s yours.”
“Well…” Flam said, though his recent acquisition was taking a while to register. When it did, Flam burst out laughing. “Wow! I’ve… never made a deal that easily before! Hey, Celestia, how about I take you out to dinner to celebrate! And by the way, got any nice mares we could hang around with? I’d like to see the Canterlot crowd and tell them about this!”
- - - -
A half an hour later, Flam and Celestia were sitting in the most expensive restaurant in Canterlot and all of Equestria and eating a salad. Celestia sat across the table from Flam, sitting in a booth with a white unicorn mare with a pink mane and three fleur-de-lis as a cutie mark on one side and another mare on the other side.
“I tell you, Celestia, this is the life,” Flam said. “This is the best a stallion could ask for. I’m able to haggle my way down everything I’d ever wanted. I mean, I have this expensive hat, watch, and suit that I was able to haggle down to next to nothing! Ha ha! So, this is what it feels like to be Canterlot elite, to be able to buy anything you want without being concerned for how expensive it is.” Flam opened his mouth as the white and pink unicorn mare brought a bite of the salad and hay fries he’d ordered to him and bit it off the fork.
“I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself,” Celestia said.
“Ah, Mister Flam,” the unicorn mare said. “You are a delight to be around. I can’t believe the sales you’ve made!”
“All in a day’s work for a smooth-talking salespony like me,” Flam replied. “There’s a certain thrill to being able to bargain down a price for something you’re buying until you’re paying less than what it costs to make it. There’s also a certain sort of joy you get in making double or even triple what an item actually costs. I actually cut down the costs of production on the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 5000 and 6000 models I sold so that any machine outside of my own would only last for two months! Ah, that was the best.”
The mares around Flam, including Celestia, laughed politely.
“Might I ask what happened to me?” Flam asked.
“Severe bodily trauma that resulted in your heart stopping and your magic running out,” Celestia replied.
“So…” Flam thought about it. “I’m dead?”
“To put it bluntly, yes.”
“But… this place is so perfect,” Flam said thoughtfully. A light bulb went off in his head. “And, if I’m getting whatever I want without having to haggle for anything, I must be in Heaven. And you… you’re my guardian angel, aren’t you?”
“Yes, something like that,” Celestia replied.
“Well, do you think I’d be able to see my parents again?” Flam asked politely. “I’ve always heard the stories about going to heaven and being able to see your friends and family again. Any chance I’d be able to see my father again?”
“No.”
Flam looked at Celestia suspiciously. “…I thought you said you could give me whatever I wanted.”
“I forgot to mention a catch: this world is yours and yours only. No one is real here except for you and me. Of course, everything you experience is quite real, from the taste of the delicious salad you are eating to the luxuriously soft mane and fur of the mare next to you.”
Flam looked at the mare next to him, who gave him a soft kiss on the lips. Immediately, Flam felt like he was shot with ecstasy at the feeling.
“I suppose that’s not much of a problem, then,” he said.
A waiter in a fancy suit much like Flam’s came up and addressed Flam. “Will that be all this evening, sir?”
“Yes; I’m afraid we’ll have to pass up the desert for tonight, as much as I love crème brule. However, I must complain about this salad. I thought I saw a few leaves of unsatisfactory quality and, although I still ate it, is nowhere near the quality of salads I’ve heard they make in Canterlot Castle.”
The waiter nodded. “I shall be around with the bill shortly.” And he walked away.
“Celestia,” Flam said. “Be a dear and pay for the meal when the bill comes around.”
“Oh, that won’t be necessary,” Celestia said with the same, unchanging smile on her face.
Flam began to wonder what the problem would be.
“Your bill, sir.”
Flam looked up to see the waiter with the bill and politely took it. When he looked at the charge, though…
“It’s free…” Flam said disbelievingly.
“They’re ashamed here if you say they’re less than Canterlot Castle quality,” Celestia explained. “Even if they try as hard as they can, they never quite have worse torment than being told they’re not as good as Canterlot Castle cuisine. Then again, even the dishwashers here get paid more than anywhere else.”
Flam nodded. “Very well. Come along, dolls!” he said to the two mares on either side of him. “Time for a bottle of champagne and then whatever involves the three of us resting on the most fantastic-feeling bed you’ve ever felt. Drink it in, ladies! It’s going to be a long night!”
- - - -
The next day, Flam was able to get himself a crème brule, a bottle of the best champagne in Equestria, a gold and diamond-framed monocle, and a new car for free. The white and pink unicorn mare accompanied him anywhere and complemented him on all his choices. Flam managed to get her a new set of diamond earrings and one of the most expensive dresses from the best-known Canterlot boutique for free as well.
“Oh, darling, isn’t it wonderful?” the mare asked him.
“Yes, it is,” Flam agreed. “Now, where do you think that Celestia is at this hour?”
“Right next to you.”
Flam turned around to see Celestia was indeed standing right next to him, still giving him that same smile. He chuckled nervously. “Yes, good. Well, there was something I wanted to ask you about.”
“Ask away,” Celestia said.
“Well,” Flam began. “I never was the best pony when I was alive. I argued and cheated a lot. I must have done something good in order to get into this place. I must have done something good that made up for all the other stuff. But… what? What did I ever do that was good?”
“Well,” Celestia began. “We could always check the Hall of Records.”
“Please,” Flam pleaded. “Show me.”
Celestia nodded and led Flam and his mare through the streets of Canterlot to a very old building graced with the statues of the Princess Luna and Cadence on either side. Celestia led Flam into the building and began scanning the numerous old books on the shelf. There suddenly appeared a book that was quite new, which Celestia pulled out and placed on a table for her and Flam to look at.
“How old is this book?” Flam asked.
“I’d say about twenty-four years, three months, sixteen days, five hours, thirteen minutes, and twenty-two seconds old.”
Flam noted the number to be oddly specific, but looked at it anyways. On the first page there was his name. On the next page was a long list of things Flam had done in his life, from cheating on multiple marefriends in school to cheating in a game of dice to the poor construction of every item and invention he’d ever sold that wasn’t his own. It even noted the stealing of his younger brother’s idea for a motorized vehicle that flew without the help of pegasi, an idea which ultimately failed.
“This…” Flam said, stuttering. “This… this is only a list of things I’ve done that are bad. What have I done that got me here?”
Celestia said nothing.
- - - -
A month later, Flam lay awake in bed. The pink and white unicorn mare was lying in bed next to him, mane ruffled and unkempt. Flam had been awake the whole night and was bored out of his mind. All over the apartment were plates and plates and plates of expensive food and drink and half-empty bottles of wasted expensive drinks. But Flam couldn’t even stand staring at them anymore; all of them had been free and Flam didn’t have to pay a bit.
It’s perfect, Flam thought. Too perfect. It’s too perfect. I didn’t do anything to deserve this. Why is it happening, though? How did I get into… heaven?
A knock came at the door. Flam slowly raised himself out of bed and wearily walked over to the door to open it.
Celestia was standing there.
“Enjoy yourself last night?” Celestia said. “I could hear it from the castle.”
“No,” Flam said. “They were not cries of pleasure. They were cries of anguish. I’m bored here. I haven’t had to haggle for a deal in a month. I’ve gotten whatever I wanted for whatever price I wanted to pay for it and sold whatever I wanted for whatever price I wanted for it. But… it’s been too easy.”
“I don’t understand,” Celestia said.
“This place is perfect,” Flam responded. “Too perfect. If I stay here another day, I’m afraid I’m going to go nuts! If this is Heaven, I don’t belong here! I want to go to the other place.”
Much to Flam’s fear, Celestia’s smile widened for the first time in a month, then she burst out laughing.
“What?” Flam said. “What’s so funny?”
“Oh, Flam,” Celestia said in between bursts of laughing. “Heaven? What gave you the idea that you were in heaven? Matter of fact, this IS the other place!”
Flam’s eyes widened before he bolted out of the apartment past the still laughing Celestia. He didn’t even wait as he heard the cries of his newest marefriend and her hooves as she galloped towards him. Flam bolted through the streets of Canterlot and dashed for the train station where a steam engine was just leaving; it left the platform and started chugging along in the direction of Ponyville just as Flam entered the station.
Flam ran over to the ticket booth and started pleading with the attendant. “Please, give me a ticket to Ponyville!”
“I’m sorry, sir,” the attendant said. “That was the last train leaving.”
Flam grabbed the attendant with his hooves as his voice became more panicked. “You don’t understand. I’ve got to get out of here. Ponyville, Trottingham, Las Pegasus, anywhere!”
“I’m sorry, sir,” the attendant said. “I’ve got no more tickets and that was the last train leaving.”
“What do you mean by last train leaving?”
“I mean that no other train will be passing through this station.”
“No!” Flam said. “I refuse to believe it! There’s always a train that comes through here at some point! Now, give me a ticket! I’ll pay you whatever price you want; just get me a ticket out of here!”
“I can’t do that sir.” And he closed the window.
Flam collapsed onto the floor of the station as the mare he’d been with for the last month came up to him and kissed him on the cheek, but Flam pulled away from the gesture. Shocked, the mare started to cry, but all Flam could see was the red sun glaring down on him with heat like fire and Celestia’s laughing kept ringing in his ears.