The Memoirs Of A Reality Jumper

by Techogre


32 - Of Princesses and Angels

I stood at the open door with a manic grin. Behind me stood meek, demure, shy Beatrix. I suppose I was starting to appreciate the pony form, at least intellectually, because I could notice she had that same aura of femininity Rarity had. Even though I could only appreciate it intellectually, I knew the brothers had essentially stalked her because of it. Dash had told me she was something to look at, and Beatrix was well aware of her charms.

The brothers huddled in the same corner I had left them in. At the sound of the door banging open, they had turned and looked up at us in surprise and perhaps a little terror. Their eyes darted from me to the increasingly insulting pile of putrid papers to their new co-worker, Beatrix.

“Well, boys, I was in the lobby, and I met our good friend Beatrix here, and you have some explaining to do.” They both gulped as I smiled broadly at them, “So, who wants to go first?”

Beatrix ignored the brothers, taking the report in her horn’s glow and slowly flipping through it. Her carefully constructed visage of shock, horror, and grief slowly grew as she turned page after page. With what looked like genuine tears in her eyes, she sobbed, “A-Alex... you said it was bad, but this... this is... is... demeaning.”

A tearful Beatrix, with the report in her horn's glow, turned an expression so full of righteous indignation that I took a step back, even though I knew it was just an act. "How could you do this to me?” her mouth remained open for a moment, a silent snarl, only the sound of escaping air. “How could you humiliate me like this?” she sniffed back a tear, “Have I, have I wronged you in the past?” her eyes pleaded, begging for an explanation, “Did I ever hurt you?” her expression became one of rage, of pain, of hate. With an angry snarl, “Well, I think you deserve to be hurt!" Beatrix’s horn glowed and she effortlessly lifted up the desk, scattering the items on the floor.

In a not-quite-mock panic, I threw myself bodily between the desk and the brothers. I yelled out, “Whoa, that is enough. If anyone’s sorry, it’s me. This is completely my fault. I asked them to find you, and I wasn't specific as to why I wanted to find you, nor was I specific as to how much information to find. They must have assumed, because you’re such a lovely mare, that I had carnal needs and interests in you.” For a moment, Beatrix flashed an angry smirk at me. That bit had made her and Dash laugh like mad mares and she knew I knew it. “If anyone deserves to be punished, it's me." Dropping to my knees before her, I lowered my head and raised my arms, wrists exposed and vulnerable. I was the very image of supplication.

There was a long silence. ‘Come on, Bea, my arms are killing me.’ And then I realized this was just a little payback for almost making her laugh. Finally, with a voice that betrayed her barely controlled anger, "How dare you offer yourself. You, having given me the dignity I was seeking. You who have been nothing but kind, offering me a hoof in friendship. No, Alex,” she carefully places the desk back on the ground, dropping the report on it. “I would rather these two walk off than hurt you."

Twilight and Beatrix had taught me there was an informal scale among unicorns, roughly from 0, a foal with little to no power, all the way to 5 for Celestia, Luna, and, one day, Cadance. Most unicorns are 1’s or 2’s, Twilight was a 4, Beatrix was a 3, and the brothers were 2’s at best. The scale is logarithmic, so the difference between each value was huge. The brothers, having just witnessed a full level 3 were obviously shaken by the display of raw power. Flim spoke up first. “N-now see here, my little terif... sweet, I mean sweet, rose, we’ve done you wrong. Alex is a fine lad for offering to take the rap for us, but,” and then realization filled his eyes, “but... it’s... not... right.”

The brothers gave each other a sideways glance that spoke volumes. Flim quietly spoke, “Miss Beatrix, it would seem we owe you our most sincere apology.” Flam only looked at her and nodded sadly. Their expressions had completely changed. Gone were the two con ponies, the two tricksters looking for an edge. Now, there stood two ponies who knew they had done wrong. They sought repentance. They sought redemption.

I smiled softly, “Well, lady and gentlecolts if I am no longer needed here, I’ll let you finish sorting things out. I...” I verbally stumbled, surprised at the strong emotions welling up and at finding myself speechless.

Beatrix smiled thankfully at me, “It’s okay, Alex. I’ll see you and the others later. You go see Dash.”

As I was walking back to Twilight’s room, I reflected upon seeing redemption in action right before my eyes. ‘This feeling, this experience, is surprisingly satisfying. This time, it was just me and Bea, without the direct help of a goddess.’ I chuckled out loud, ‘I hope Dash isn’t jealous.’

Beatrix and I had agreed that if everything went well, we would meet up with the brothers in two weeks at my house. That would give Beatrix time to work her magic and have people for the brothers to look for. In the meantime, no matter what happened, she would be joining me, and the girls, on the return trip. I really hoped her new place was ready by the time we got back.

I knocked on Twilight’s door, “Just me,” and let myself in. I could see Dash sprawled on the bed with a smirk and Twilight sitting up at the head of the bed, suddenly turning in my direction and blushing a bright purple.

With her smirk growing into a grin, “Hey, Alex. We were just talking about-”

Twilight’s hoof slammed into Dash’s mouth, cutting her off. “What a great time we’ve had here.” She glared at Dash, “Right, Rainbow Dash?”

Dash snickered and pushed Twilight’s hoof away, “Right. We were talking about gooood times. We had right here.”

I smiled innocently, “You know, girls, I’ve found, in my short time here, that subtlety is a very rare trait among ponies.” Dash gave a throaty laugh and leapt from the bed to give me a warm, spinning embrace. She whispered something naughty in my ear that even made me blush. I had to ask, “Um, is it your week again?”

She shook her head, “Just feeling like I want to be close to you.”

I blinked and smiled, “Okay. That works for me.”


Twilight and Dash flanked me as we stepped out of the elevator in the downtown office building. They both looked like a million bits, and I looked as good as possible. I was impressed that it opened up directly in the architectural firm’s lobby. This told me it was big enough to have an entire floor of a building or at least afford to fake it.

As we entered the lobby, I recognised the rude mare from the restaurant that was with Perfect Home. Unfortunately, she recognised us. She greeted us coldly, with a bit of a scowl and a blush. “You’re Mr Home’s two o’clock appointment, I presume.”

Dash only gave her a confident smirk, which only seemed to irritate her more. I gave her my most charming smile and said, “Yes, miss, we are. I think we’re on time.”

The mare coldly smiled, “Of course you are.”

Before that little love fest could continue, a pegasus hovered in so he was at eye level with me, “Welcome, welcome, Mr Roberts. It’s such a pleasure to finally meet you properly. And it is also a pleasure to meet you ladies as well, Miss Twilight Sparkle and Ms Rainbow Dash, soon to be Mrs Rainbow Dash. At least, that’s what the gossip says. ” Dash blushed as he continued gushing, “I can’t tell you what an honour and a privilege it is to have not only the leader of the Paladins of Redemption but two of the Equestria famed Elements of Harmony. But, I have to ask, not that I mind, but why are you here? Are you involved in building the theatre?”

Twilight smiled up at him, knowing she was in her element, “It’s complicated, but in an apple bushel, he doesn’t have Starswirl glands. We act like two Type Five Medical B.T. Sinks to absorb extra magic.”

Homes seemed a little confused. “Well, why not just get him a pair of Blue Tulip fives and free yourselves up? Surely you could get them assigned to him.”

“Maybe. It's not a problem for us to have a pair in saddle bags, but for him, his musculature attachment is much less efficient. He might be able to carry one, which wouldn't be enough. Anyway, I have a few ideas about what to do, which could come in handy for other applications.”

I smirked at the two academics, “If you're both satisfied evaluating my current medical conditions, I would really like to talk to Mister Home about a little shack he might like to help me put together. Sort of a weekend thing, a bunch of my friends, a two-four of beer to drink, some music on the old record player.”

Perfect Home looked a little panicked, “Mister Roberts, I'm so sorry. This was very unprofessional of me.”

Dash laughed and punched me in the shoulder, “Don't mind this big lug, Perfect. He's just fooling around.”

Twilight had a bemused expression, “Yes. Alex has an unusual sense of humour, but don't let that fool you. He can be serious when he needs to be.” She looked at Dash, “He can be, right?”

I gave her my best gallic shrug, “I suppose if it's really needed.”

Perfect Home chuckled along with us and relaxed. We stepped into his office, sat on the large plump pillows in front of his desk and got to work.

“Now, Mister Roberts, how may I be of service?”

“Let me give you the big picture, some specific characteristics, and a few off-the-wall ideas that would set this place apart. So, my goal for this building is fourfold,” I counted off on my fingers, “it will serve as a theatre, one of very high quality, suitable for everything from a play to music, and for use as a reception hall.” I turned to Dash, “Do the Wonderbolts have an indoor routine?”

“I think so, but the only place that's big enough is the Royal Canterlot Theatre.”

“Thanks, sweetheart. Yes, it needs to be big enough to handle this. Anyway, I'll get back to the specifics in a minute. So, the four things it needs to be are a theatre, a town hall, an emergency shelter, and easily and cheaply maintained. The last two are very important because Ponyville is the centre of a lot of disasters. I want a safe, centralized building for residents to bug out to, and I want it cheap and easy to fix after the fact.”

“So, should I go on, or is what I'm asking for unreasonable? I mean, if it's out in left field, er, if my expectations are unreasonable, please let me know. Oh, and please call me Alex.”

“Well, Alex, I've heard you think big, and this proves it. Anyway, there's nothing crazy here, just nothing that has ever combined before. I've got a few ideas percolating, but let's hear what else you have to say.”

“So, the theatre itself should be big. At least as big as the Royal Canterlot Theatre. However, the distance from the front of the stage to the location where Princess Celestia would sit must be a little further than her throne and the anti-chamber door. I have some, um, issues, being too physically close to any Princess. I envision the Princesses and special guests,” I smiled at Dash and Twilight, “like the Elements of Harmony and Paladins of Redemption will be in a place of honour on the balcony. Otherwise, I leave the design entirely in your hooves. Oh and it should include an outdoor stage, like the current city hall does, but that's a nice to have, not a need to have.”

“Like the original building, the city hall facilities will be part of the theatre with a separate entrance. I have the current plans and layout with me.” I pass him the battered rolled-up plans. He unrolls the dusty drawings and begins to examine them. “Ideally, I would like this expanded, maybe half again as much, and a nice office for the mayor. She puts up with so much stuff in Ponyville, so much random craziness. I want her to have some nice facilities to work from.”

“The emergency shelter should have enough storage for at least ninety-six hours of emergency food and water for as many ponies that can sleep in the theatre. Make sure any attached kitchen can double as a community kitchen. There should be some kind of small medical room. I'm not sure what the standards are for pony emergency shelters, and I'm not sure what is already there, but this should be a nice supplement to any disaster. Also, feel free to change the details based on any legal requirements. An independent source of clean water would mean more room for stored food and less pressure on undamaged water supplies around town.”

“Finally, it should be built with easily obtained materials and be maintainable with local, to Ponyville, skill sets. Since I have no idea what that means here, I’ll trust you to do the right thing.”

The room was quiet, and Perfect Home’s gaze and smirk were directed at me. “That sounds like a fun building to design. Let's get to work...”


We were all quite pleased at how well things had gone with Perfect Home. He even said he would have the initial designs for the Princess Theatre by next week, enough for me to present them to the town council. In the meantime, Twilight had received a note inviting us to the home of Shining Armour and his wife, Princess Cadance.

On the way, we talked about further ways to make the theatre more unique. “So, here is one of my crazier, human-style solutions to the problem of getting patrons to the theatre quickly. For this, I’m going to need an expert in unicorn magic.” I lightly tap Twilight on the shoulder, “That's you, babe.” She chuckled. “So, unicorns, with the right spells, experience and practise, can teleport, correct?” Dash and Twilight nodded, both with curious expressions. “Is it safe for me to assume that the usual spell used by unicorns is a general-purpose spell, like something I would call a computer program, one that has to take a huge breadth and depth of factors into account, even for the simplest jump?” Twilight nodded. “So, would a spell that teleports an object or living person from a specific location to another specific location be simpler?”

Twilight answered, not following where I was going with this, “Yes, but that would not be a very useful spell.”

“Normally, I would agree with you, my brilliant friend. Now, picture this. In Ponyville, we construct a teleport pad, a simple closed-off enclosure of a certain size, and a protected and sheltered spot that would minimize the number of variables. A fixed point. Then, in the surrounding cities, we build matching teleport pads. We would then simply need a source of magic to power the spell and associated machinery. Tada, you have a way of moving patrons from Canterlot, Manehattan, Fillydelphia, Cloudsdale, anywhere to humble Ponyville in a single step. Hmm,” I grew thoughtful for a moment, “it also opens up fast travel, package delivery, and so on.” I looked up a little sheepishly, “Sorry, just the businessman in me talking. It would be a great way to help fund the theatre.”

Twilight glared at me with admiration. She then tapped me on the hip, “I'm mad at you only because I never thought of it first.” She got a look of concentration on her face, “Yes, I can see the modifications to the spell already, bind it to single-purpose mana load machinery and amplifiers, replace a lot of the cognitive thought trains with fixed values... yes, it would only require 1.5 or 2 blaaneras of power, for even a few tons of mass. Three or four average unicorns could do that all day, maybe have six or eight for redundancy. You could get a teleport as fast as it takes to load the send pad and clear the arrival pad.”

I smiled broadly, “Just seems to be the logical next step. You have the technology. You just call it magic. This is exactly what humans would do with it.” I thought to myself, ‘Right after they weaponized it.’ I grew thoughtful for a moment, “Hey, and we could even have some kind of travelling pad to all the small Ponyville-sized towns.”

As we continued toward our destination, I started to notice bulky ponies trying to look inconspicuous, just walking around, even a few hiding in bushes. The girls seemed unaware of them, so I didn’t comment. When we walked up to the mansion, I glanced up and couldn't help but see a helmeted head peeking over the edge of the peak of the roof. I doubt any pony could have seen them, but I could until they dipped back down. ‘I guess we’ll not be as alone as we think. I’m not surprised, but I’ll keep it under my hat for now.’

Twilight was especially excited to present me to her brother. “Shining sent me a note saying he and Cadance gave the whole staff the night off. She wanted to practise her cooking skills, and Shining wanted to just have some private time with us. Alex, I just know you and Shining will hit it off. You’re always thinking of others, just like him.”

I interrupted her with a snort. “Please, I’m an abject coward. I’m just good at hiding it.” I was rewarded with a hoof to the shoulder from my fiance.

“Hey, knucklehead, cut it out. Do you think I‘d marry some lily-livered dork?”

I could only laugh, “I don’t know. I mean, I am your Adonis.” Dash gave me that slightly exasperated smirk she gave me when I used a human expression she didn’t quite get. I tried again and started guessing, “Hoof candy?” She grinned, telling me I had got the right one based on context. “Right. I’m just your swanky hoof candy.”

We all chuckled at this and soon arrived at the front door of Shining Armour, the Captain of the Guard, and his wife, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, better known as Princess Cadance.

As we were walking up the steps, I sighed. “Dash, I’m a little worried. I hope I don’t start babbling like an idiot and embarrass you. I mean, she’s a princess, right? With a horn and wings? Like,” my throat caught, remembering the onslaught of emotions, “Princess Celestia.”

She rolled her eyes at me, “You couldn’t embarrass me. I know you wouldn't do it on purpose.”

“I... I’m just scared of that moment when Cadance will take your place in my heart. What if she replaces you? What if I love you less? I don’t want to forget why you’re the most important mare in my life.”

I felt that telltale burst of air that told me Dash was hovering. I could hear the smile in her voice as she whispered in my ear, “Don’t worry. I’ll just do this to remind you.” She nibbled on my ear, and my knees buckled a little while I made a goofy, throaty chortle. Dash backed off, still hovering, “See, totally effective.”

Still chortling, “That is so totally unfair. Come on, cut that out. We’re at the door.” When she landed beside me, I placed my hand on her neck and touched the base of her ear with my thumb.

Twilight rolled her eyes and smirked at us. She raised her hoof to knock, but the door opened to reveal a unicorn stallion. He had a white coat with a blue mane and tail. Twilight exclaimed, “BBBFF. It’s so great to see you again.”

“Hey, little sis, why so excited? You just saw us a few days ago.” He gave his sister a warm hug, then turned to Dash with a friendly smile, “Hey, Rainbow Dash, good to see you too.” He then turned to me. His expression became sober, weary. “Hello, Alex. Twilight’s told me all about you.” After eyeing me for a heartbeat, he put his hoof out, “Nice to meet you.” I was taken aback by a pony who was almost human in his ability to be suspicious. I can’t say I was pleased.

He led us to the main room, “I hope you don’t mind if we just relax here for now. Cadance will be with us in a few minutes.” Once we were all seated and comfortable, he said, “So, Mr Roberts, I hear your father was in the military during your ‘Cold War’, was it?” I’m sure my look of surprise was quite noticeable because it caused him to smile just a little. “He also spent some time doing espionage work. So I hear.” But this made me smile, snort derisively, and shake my head. The girls looked at me questioningly.

Out of the starting gate, he had used my correct mode of address and was referencing stuff I had no idea where he found out. I decided to play it cool and explain it. “You are correct, sort of. My dad was in the Canadian Air Force, but he was a sheet metal technician. He was trained in repairing the aluminium structure of fixed-wing aircraft. As for his” I used air quotes “‘spy’ work, my understanding was that he was just one of the many technicians who helped take a MiG fighter apart. That was one of the Soviet fighter aircraft. The pilot had defected to the West on Canadian soil, so we had the right to take his machine apart.”

Shining Armour narrowed his eyes. “You mean you had enough aluminium to waste building machines with them? Large enough to carry a man? Not only that but fleets of them?”

“Sure. Aluminium was as common as dirt where I come from. Global production was about fifty million tons annually.” I held up a hand, “And before you ask, I had helped my son do a project on aluminium for school not long before I... um...” I turned my head away for a moment. Dash put her hoof on my thigh. I gave her an appreciative look. At that moment, I decided to take a page from Dash’s playbook and go on the offensive. “Anyway, what’s with the questioning? If you don’t trust me, throw me in a dungeon. Man up and keep your world safe. I would do anything to keep this place safe from something like me. Anything. If you have any doubts, stop me right now. If you don’t, if you’re just seeing how I’ll react, well, now you know.”

I knew the look on his face. He was used to being the toughest guy in the room. In fact, he could wipe the floor with me, and we both knew it, but he also knew I had much more experience than him and could still put up a tough fight. He just wasn’t used to having someone not intimidated by him and maybe even be his equal.

From the kitchen, I hear her voice call out, “I’m coming out now. Will... will Alex be okay?”. While I didn't feel anything yet, I braced myself for the emotional onslaught to come. Her voice was so kind, the voice of an angel, and I could feel myself becoming tense in preparation for what was to come. I knew, intellectually, the staggering, crippling love I would feel for her was just what alicorns did to me, but I still felt a horrible knot of guilt for it.

I look at Dash, a pleading expression of near panic. She sat up and put her hoof on my hand. “I’m right here for you. You’ll be fine.” No bravado, no ‘you big lug’, just loving, comforting words. I gave her a weak smile in thanks for reminding me who was the most important mare in this room.

The door to the adjacent room, a mere ten meters away, opened a crack, and a pale pink pony princess peeked pensively out.

Nothing.

I blinked. I should be crying like a baby right now, or at least, I don’t know, be speechless or something. But, while I was perhaps a little more aware of her presence, it was nothing like being before Her. I noticed Shining Armour just sitting off to the side, with an interested expression and simply observing.

When she finally opened the door and walked in, I could see she was supposed to be drop-dead gorgeous by pony standards. I could also see she was wearing an apron. Much to my surprise, my brain only registered her as 'leggy and cute' and not much else. It took me a moment to remember my manners. I stood and bowed, "Good evening, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. As you no doubt know, I am Alex Roberts, but you can call me Alex. And, for the record, I think I’m as surprised as you that I'm not on my knees and drooling on the floor."

She stepped closer, and I braced myself. Once again, there was no adverse reaction, except, maybe, a very slight tingle, much weaker than the one I experienced when I stepped into Her throne room.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Alex. You may call me Cadance. I was just getting supper ready, including something special, just for you. I've seen the chefs prepare this dish for the gryffin ambassadors, and I've heard you like it more cooked than our eastern friends. I hope you like it." As she got closer, I could feel my emotions subtly changing, but I didn’t care. She went from being a lovely pony that was pleasant to be around to the perfect wife and mother. Elegant, kind, caring, fun, down to earth, simply perfect.

By the time she got to within a meter, I stiffened, slipped off the couch and went to my knees in front of her. I couldn't see her anymore, really. I could only see the perfect wife and mother of my children before me. I sensed that Dash was beside me, which allowed me to catch myself before I started fawning over her.  I felt a hoof on my arm. It was a physical reminder of the mind-affecting abilities of an alicorn. There was no way I could love the perfect creature before me more than Dash. I murmured, "Help…"

I was blindly trying to put my hand on Dash’s shoulder. When my hand finally made contact, it was like my mind exploded with love. The moment I made contact, my heart was filled with certainty. ‘Dash and Ann are simple little flings compared to what I can have with Cadance. All I have to do is get rid of that ass Shining Armour. I’ll show him why I’m a fucking apex predator. I’ll—’

I heard Dash yelling, “Get away from him!” a sharp grunt, a loss of balance, and a sudden loss of those crazy thoughts, like a bucket of burning ice water was thrown into my head. ‘What the hell was I thinking? What... why would I...’

As she increased the distance, the cascade of emotions faded into a static of background emotion and shame. I was finally able to regain my self-control fully. I wiped my eyes and looked around, the world out of focus. I could hear the terse teacher’s voice Twilight used when she was really annoyed, “Dash, you didn’t have to push her so hard.”

“But—”

Shining Armour spoke, angry, “How dare you hit my wife, under my roof, as my guest. I should throw you both in the dungeon.”

“It was—”

Twilight spoke again, “I’m disappointed in you, Dash. Surely there was—”

This time, it was Dash’s turn to bark an angry snarl, “I’m not going to lose him, Twilight, no matter what.”

Twilight, with an uncharacteristic snarl, “That doesn’t give you the right to hurt somepony.”

Dash’s voice was angry, “I’ll hurt whoever I need to to keep him safe. He’s the only one who’s ever taken me seriously. Can’t you see that Twilight? I don’t have to pretend to be anything around him. I can tell a dirty joke and not be afraid I’ll be judged, and I can talk about my fears knowing he’ll be there for me. He cares for me, he really cares, and no one will take that away. Not a princess, not some royal guard pony, not even my best friend.”

The silence was deafening. I looked up, my vision clearing, and could see Twilight’s expression had softened, her eyes a little red, tears forming. I could only hold my sky-blue angel, comforting her, my cheek on hers. I smiled a little sadly, “That was quite the speech.”

She sniffed, “It’s true, you know. Every word.”

I held her closer and whispered, “I know.” I could feel her tears on my cheek.

That voice I now feared, so soft and caring, finally broke the silence, “Shining, don’t be upset with her. I know exactly how she feels, to have the one you love enthralled by another. It’s very frightening. Dash only did what she felt she needed to do, Shining. Wouldn’t you do the same?” There was another uncomfortable silence, “Let’s just forget what happened and have dinner.” She gave Sharing Armour a ‘we will talk about this later’ look, then smiled brightly, “Now that we know what happens when Alex is too close, we can simply avoid it. Let's not let a simple misunderstanding ruin our evening.”

I smiled, “Well said Cadance, well said. So, Shining Armour, what do you say? No harm, no foul?”

He stared at Dash for a long moment, “Cadance is very forgiving, and Dash is the Element of Loyalty, so I guess I can see her point of view. Alex, just make sure it never happens again.”

The seating was rearranged in silence to accommodate the agreed-upon three-meter safe zone between Cadance and myself. We all sat without saying a word, the occasional false start not yielding any sustained conversation. Mercifully, there was a small ding from the kitchen. Cadance looked up from the uncomfortable silence, smiled brightly and cleared her throat, “Dinner is now served, everypony.” As the lidded plates floated in, surrounded by her pinkish silver glow, the smells wafting from the kitchen made my mouth water. The covers were lifted with a flourish, and I was presented with a perfectly arranged chicken breast with two lemon slices, a sprig of dill, and perfectly prepared fresh vegetables. I glanced at Dash’s plate and saw she had a nest of hay in place of the chicken breast.

I hesitated when I realized Cadance was watching me expectantly. I held the knife and fork above the food, then sheepishly smiled at her, "Sorry, I'm a little self-conscious about eating meat. I get the feeling that millions of years of herbivore pony evolution is telling you to bolt from the predator."

She replied sweetly, “Oh, don’t be silly,” she looked at Shining Armour, “We all know you won’t eat us in our beds, right Shining?”

There was a brief icy stare between Dash and Shining, “Oh, course not, sweetie. I don’t have any problems with Alex.”

Interestingly, Twilight seemed to be totally oblivious to the looks Shining Armour and Dash were exchanging. It was surprising because even I had no problem reading their not-so-subtle expressions and body language.

So, I cut a piece of chicken and immediately saw it had been cooked through. When I took that bite, it was like the very essence of the ingredients had been fused into a new perfect whole. I wondered if Cadance was still influencing me subconsciously because of what I said next. "I have been to many different realities, many different places, and I can say without a word of a lie, this is the best chicken I have ever eaten." Cadance graciously accepted the compliment and seemed to relax a little.

The meal continued in silence, but I still felt the overall mood had improved somewhat. Before the desert, I decided to try to have a friendly conversation with Shining, “You know Shining Armour, I’m a bit of an armchair general, and I have to say the troops you have surrounding the house are pretty good.”

Shining looked a little flustered, “I’m not sure what you mean.”

I smiled, “Sure you do. Look, my species developed camouflage a week after we had fire and the pointy stick. We’re good at it. Let me give you some advice because I want to help your guys get better. The three patrolling on hoof looked like soldiers who had lost their uniforms. In the future, tell them to walk around more slowly, relax, and maybe have a female soldier with them to act as their marefriend. Never their real special friend, even if they’re both Royal Guard, it could slow them down in a situation. They should talk, laugh, tell dirty stories, whatever they would normally do on a date. And, having more than three, maybe five or six would be better. That reduces the chance of the target, me in this case, of seeing the same three faces always popping up. Also, have them walk in different directions. It looks more natural.” Shining was just looking at me in slack-jawed incomprehension while Dash just gave me an admiring smirk.

I gleefully continued, “As for your troops hidden around the building, they should really put some more effort into camouflage. Maybe some ghillie suits would help.” I saw Shining was confused but ploughed forward anyway, “I mean, holding a few branches and ducking down behind a bush isn’t exactly inconspicuous. As for the guy on the roof, he shouldn’t have been wearing his helmet. Not only that, but he should have been on another rooftop, not the one I was looking at directly. And, if he was a pegasus, why not scatter a few clouds around, make it look like a lazy weather patrol, and then hide in one of them? Ideally, set that up days or weeks in advance, so it’s not too out of the expected.”

“So, assuming that was my best infiltration team, which I’m not saying it was, you’re saying someone with a military upbringing like yourself can spot them easily?”

I laughed, thinking about my dad, “I didn’t have a military upbringing. My dad may have worked for the military, but he wasn’t a soldier. I can still remember him complaining about ‘playing Cowboys and Indians'.” I paused for a moment, looking for an Equestrian equivalent and looked at Dash for guidance, “‘Settlers and buffalo’?” and Dash gave me a subtle nod, “Anyway, he didn’t like ‘playing army’, as he put it. He was there to fix aircraft, nothing else. The bottom line is that I didn’t have any military training to spot hidden troops. I just had my normal senses and some basic observations. Now, to be fair, and you no doubt already know this, my senses are almost an order of magnitude more accurate than yours, so what they were doing may have been perfectly fine for ponies. I’ll be happy to help in any way, by the way. Because if I can’t spot them, I’m confident a pony will not.”

He smirked, “I may ask you, as an honourable Paladin, to advise us on the best way to be sneaky.”

I inclined my head in his direction with a smile, “I would be honoured to place my humble skills as an untrustworthy, dishonourable, cheating scumbag in your service for our beloved Equestria.” This caused him to chuckle good-naturedly, Dash to look at me with a smirk and an eye roll, and the others to smile at me uncomfortably. ‘I like this Shining Armour. He’s a good, honest soldier.’

The rest of the evening went well, with Shining being polite but distant towards me, warm and loving towards his sister, and cold but polite with Dash. Cadance was the perfect hostess who couldn't get close to me, but that was okay, as she could do everything with her magic. When we left, she even gave me a telekinetic hug. It was interesting to have my torso gently squeezed with even pressure.

On our way out, I noticed the ‘crack’ infiltration team was still amusingly skulking about. I singled out the poor guy in the bushes, trying so hard to be ‘one with the foliage’. I smiled at him and made eye contact, “Shining Armour says hi.” I did this with anyone I suspect was on the infiltration team. I’m fairly sure there will be a meeting tomorrow to discuss some new ideas Shining has for camouflage.

As we walked back, we chatted about the events of the day, how Cadance made me feel, and many other things. In a natural lull in the conversation, I had to ask about something that I noticed but never spoke up against. Frankly, I was feeling a little embarrassed about going along with casual speciesism. “So, I’ve got to know. Why are ponies so down against Diamond Dogs, anyway? While I now know how useless those cartoons were in showing me how this world worked, were they right about Diamond Dogs?”

Dash spoke up first, “Ugh, really? Do we really have to explain why Diamond Dogs are totally evil?”

I blinked at her, “Actually, yes.”

She rolled her eyes, “Fine, Diamond Dogs used to capture ponies and make them slaves to pull their carts and do other work in their mines. They used to do it all the time. They still do. End of story. Diamond Dogs are evil, and there’s no changing them. Now, can we talk about something different?”

“Huh. Twilight? You’re usually the first to jump in with the academics of whatever topic we’re on.” I placed my hand on Dash’s head and scratched behind her ear, “Not that I doubt you in the least dear, it's just that my buddy Twilight loves to lecture, and she’s been mute on the subject.”

“Yeah, monkey colt’s right. Why aren't you boring us to death with facts and figures and logic and stuff?”

We all took a few more steps before Twilight spoke with a sigh, dropping her head slightly, ears down, “My academic neutrality”, another hefty sigh, “has been compromised.”

I half-joked, “Let me guess, you fell in love with a Diamond Dog, and now you only see the good in them, making it impossible to follow the official ‘We Hate Diamond Dogs’ party line?”

While Twilight continued walking in silence, Dash and I stopped in our tracks. I spoke up, “So, is it an ongoing relationship?”

She looked back sadly at us, “No, it didn’t last, but Rover and I are still friends. He’s really sweet and intelligent once you understand the species' speech patterns.” She smiled a little sadly, “Quite handsome too, in his own way.” She gave a little laugh while looking at Dash, “Like a furry Alex Roberts.”

Dash, with a look of shocked confusion, went beside her friend, “Were you nuts? When did it happen? Why? How? And tell me you’re not crushing on Alex.”

Twilight “It all happened right after we rescued Rarity. Before we left, I asked them why they needed the gems. Rover told me it was for buying winter supplies for the pack. And, no, Dash, I’m not trying to make time with Alex. He’s a great guy, but he’s also totally devoted to you.”

I interrupted, “So when you said ‘ew’ the other day, that wasn’t ‘ew a human’ it was ‘ew he’s not my type’, right?”

Dash smiled and glared at me, “Alex, stop encouraging her.”

I snickered, “Dash, you have nothing to worry about. Anyway, this is very important to me. It’s an ego thing.”

Twilight chuckled, then lifted her head, not in pride exactly, but not in shame. “Exactly, you’re a good friend, but any sort of romantic relationship would be impossible. Anyway, Rarity was going to get half the gems collected, and she was likely aware of this, not that she would admit to it. She was just being a drama queen, as always, and we overreacted, as always.”

“The fundamental problem was that they didn’t know how to approach her. And when we showed up, assuming she had been kidnapped, they were afraid we wanted all the gems to ourselves. Alex, I believe the term you’ve used for such situations is ‘and hilarity ensued’. What I’m trying to say is that they’re not evil. They just have different communication skills than ponies, leading to miscommunication.”

We continued walking to the hotel, my hand on Dash’s neck, all of us musing on the events and revelations of the evening. I had suggested Dash, and I would like to be alone tonight, and Twilight didn’t argue.

Once we parted ways with Twilight, Dash said softly, “I really love you, you know.”

I chuckled warmly, “I know. You decked a princess for me. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”

She only giggled and nuzzled closer.


Lost in thought, I lay on the bed, playing quietly with Dash’s wild mane as she stretched luxuriously, draping one beautiful, soft wing over my chest. Her hoof touched my scarred belly. “Penny for your thoughts, Alex? You’ve been really quiet tonight, and that’s never a good thing.”

I chuckled, “I was thinking about a bunch of stuff. Like the way I asked you to marry me.”

I could hear her gasp a little. Her body stiffened, her voice soft and sad, “You... you don’t regret...”

I held her tight, “Regret asking you? No, I would never regret that. What I regret is not making it about you in the first place, about doing it in a way that was worthy of you. I... I’m sorry what I did wasn’t good enough for an angel. You deserve better.”

“Oh my gosh. Is that what you’re worried about?” she laughed, her voice full of relief. “You jerk. I don’t need all that fancy stuff. I just need us to be together. I want to spend my life with you. I don’t care if you give me jewels and junk. We could live in a shack in the Everfree forest for all I care.” She caressed my cheek with her wing, and her voice grew soft, “I mean, you’re a good person, and for some crazy reason, you love me, and I’m going to hold on to you forever.”

I breathed her scent in deeply, “Man, what good deed did I do to deserve you, my soon-to-be wife?”

She snorted, “Let’s see.” She takes a deep breath, “You save Scoots from Coins. Tree Trimmer from a burning house. Derpy from Coins. AJ’s farm from Coins. Derpy’s wedding from an ugly gift from Coins. You did something stupid on that last one, but I’ll let it slide for now. You saved Bea from herself. She’s way cooler than Trixie, by the way. You saved those Flim Flam brothers and gave them a chance at an honest life. Finally, and most importantly, you helped me to believe I’m a mare who deserves to be loved and respected.” Her voice became soft and loving, “Like I do every single moment I’m with you.”

I held her a little tighter, “That means a lot to me. Thank you.” I kissed her head again and sighed.

I could hear the concern in her voice, “I know that sigh Alex. You can go ahead and spill the beans. Tell your loyal marefriend what else there is in that brain of yours.”

“You’re amazing, you know that?”

“Yes, I’m totally awesome. Now, quit trying to change the subject, monkey colt.”

“Heh, I suppose it would happen eventually that you could read me like a book. A rip-roaring Daring Doo, I hope.” She answered with a warm chuckle. ”Okay, well, I was feeling guilty for feeling so... so... I don’t know, in love, I guess, with Cadance. I mean, I know it’s alicorn voodoo messing with me, and you were totally there to remind me who was the real angel.” I kissed her, letting my lips linger for a moment.

“Anyway, that got me thinking about how lucky I’ve been. I mean, I landed in a world that, by my standards anyway, is a paradise,” I kiss Dash on the head tenderly, “I’ve found the true love of my life, my soul mate, not once, but twice. Most people don’t even get that privilege once.” Dash stretches her neck a little and kisses my jawline. “I have the opportunity to adopt a beautiful vibrant daughter. I have more good friends than I deserve. Heck, I even have a terminal illness that’s become a minor inconvenience.” I sighed happily, “I guess,” I kissed her again, “I guess I was just thankful for Cadance reminding me of all the wonderful people I have in my life.”

Dash nuzzled me, “Well, maybe you should let all three of them know you’re thankful. I know they would appreciate it. Twilight told me once that most ponies only talk to them when they want something.” She turned my head with her hoof, “I tell you what, let’s do it together. I think I may have something to be thankful for too.” Her voice trailed off as her lips softly brushed mine, and I drew her into a deep kiss. We held each other like that for a very long time.

After some discussion, we composed our letter in our hearts. We went to the balcony, and Dash hovered beside me. I held her hoof, and we started speaking our letter together.

Our dearest Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and Princess Cadance,

We wish to give you all our thanks for the blessings we have both had. We have never taken the chance to thank you, as a couple, until now, and we hope you will forgive our tardiness. (Dash rolled her eyes, but smiled warmly at me)

(I spoke this part) Princess Celestia, I wish to thank you for accepting me, an alien, alone and afraid in your beautiful world. For allowing your kindest Element to find me and comfort me. And for the first meeting with my Rainbow Dash. (Dash gave me a sly smile, lightly biting her bottom lip)

Princess Luna, my patron. I wish to thank you for giving me a chance to repay your society for its kindness. For giving me a second chance at life with a wonderful mare who is kind, brave, bold and a wonderful friend. My second soul mate. For the daughter, I will adopt. For all the gifts I have been given. (I realized tears were streaming down my cheeks.)

Princess Cadance, sister-in-law of my good friend Twilight Sparkle. I would like to thank you for the time we spent together. Although our initial meeting may have been less than ideal, I appreciate how thoughtful you were, doing so much to make us feel comfortable. I would also like you to know that when you affected me, you helped me realize afterwards how lucky I was in every other facet of my life. I thank you for that gift.

(Dash smiled at me, then spoke) Yeah, well, I’m not for all the fancy words Alex uses, so I’ll do this my way. I guess, all I want to say is, thanks for bringing this big lug into my life. He’s a good person and kind, and he always sees the best in others, even me. Thanks. (She sniffs back a little tear. Taking her hoof out of my hand, she flutters closer and wraps her hooves around my neck, putting her cheek on mine.)

(We finished together) Princesses, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

We stayed on the balcony, enjoying the cool, fresh air. “I feel better for getting all that off my chest.” I closed my eyes, breathed deeply and found her scent. Even without the lilac, it could only make me smile.