//------------------------------// // Cheese Sandwich // Story: My Crazy Ex // by 23 KM To Nerdiness //------------------------------// [DAY 390] I'm Lunestia (yes, really), party-loving unicorn mare. "Boneleeeeeeeeess!!!" When my coltfriend, Cheese Sandwich moved in with me, he brought his buddy, 'Boneless', with him too. That rubber chicken was his best friend, and when he went missing, it was the latest incident in the vicious streak of bad luck. "I can't believe this is happening to me right now." he sighed. "Just another party pooping thing to add to the bad luck list." In just the last few months, he had lost his job, got his cake maker stolen and now this. I know you've had a rough couple of months." I said. "It goes beyond that." Cheese sighed. "I can never catch a cheesy break. Fish went down the drain when I tried to teach it to potty as a colt, and my lizard got carried away by a hawk." Cheese seemed to think that bad luck was some kind of CURSE. But to me, it was just life. And maybe some irresponsible pet ownership. [DAY 392] With no job, no money and a missing chicken, Cheese just moped around the house all day. That is, until. He found. The CHIP. "Holey Moley!" he exclaimed. "What, what is it?" I asked. "This CHIP! I know I might be crazy, but it looks kinda like.....it can't be." It looked like an ordinary chip to me, but to Cheese, this fried slice of potato, was a dead ringer for- "Foodha, the wise monk!" Cheese cheered. I-I.....guess it looks......roundish in the belly area." I uttered. For the record, I look more like Foodha than that thing. "It's more than his belly, it's......LOOK." Looking back, I should've wrestled that stupid chip out of his hoof right then and just ATE it. "This is not getting eaten." he snickers. But instead, that night, the chip joined us for dinner. "You know, this chip could be worth alot of bits." Cheese stated. I remember thinking to myself 'You know what else could be worth alot of money? Getting a JOB'. And, I swear, it's as if the universe had heard me. Somehow, Cheesy's luck began to turn. First, it was a potential job offer, followed immediately by him finding Boneless in his mane. To me, it seemed coincidental. A few good things bouncing out a few bad ones. But to Cheese....it was a sign. From a higher power. Yep. That's when it became his lucky Foodha chip. From then on, Cheese got it in his head that this simple potato chip was a reincarnated god. [DAY 393] But, the next day, I came home to a brand new Cheese Sandwich. He was happier than I've seen him in months. "How was your day, Cheesy?" "Grand-fabu-tastic!" the chipper stallion cheered. "I got the job." "Oh, honey, that's GREAT!" "Turns out, the guy at H.R. is a high school pal of mine." "Heh, what a coincidence." "But it's not a coincidence, it was the chip!" Yep. A vegetable got him the job. "Oh, you got a display.........for the chip." I sighed. "Can't keep something like that in a jam jar. Gotta treat it with respect." And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse than worshipping junk food- "Lottery tickets, Cheese?" I groaned. "Seriously?" I hated seeing him waste money. And we needed things, including a new refrigerator. "Luny, I figured with the chip, I couldn't lose." he said. "And how's THAT working out for you?" ".......wait a sec, I didn't finish this one." *CHA-CHING* "Cheese. Y-You just won 500 bits." I gasped. "YES!!!" At that point, even I had to admit that Cheese had hit some kind of weord lucky streak... "See, I told ya, Luny. Thanks, Foodha!" Unluckily for me. [DAY 397] A few nights later, I came home to find that Cheese's obsession with the chip had reached a whole new level. "Ooooooohm, how I've praised you, Foodha chip, ooooooooohm." he hummed. "Uh, what are you doing?" I uttered. "Are you praying to the chip now?" "I'm not praying, I'm PAYING." Cheese nodded. "With respect. I asked for world peace, and a new party cannon." Now, I'm no scholar on the subject, but I was pretty sure that's not how Foodhism worked. But, his excuse is that he's not a Foodhist, but a Foodh-ish. Praying, paying respect, call it what you want. It was weird as hell. But if that's as far as it went, I could've lived with it. [DAY 399] In the coming days, Cheese got more and more fixated on that damn chip, until one morning, it got downright ridiculous. "Honey, stop!" He was about to shave his head and go full Foodha. "This is just a potato chip, okay?" I huffed. "Deep fried, packed with sodium and it probably has a shelf life of up to 75 years." "But, Lun-" "Pray to your chip all you want, that's fine. But the mane STAYS, got it?" "Okie dokie lokie." But while I managed to keep him from going full Foodhist monk, Cheese was determined to ruin my morning anyway. "Now, if you get changed, we can make it to the store in time to get same-day delivery." "....." The hope was to buy the new refrigerator we desperately needed from the money Cheese got from the scratch-offs. But the path of enlightenment... "We can't do that yet." Cheese winced. Kicked me right in the ass. "All the money's tied up til Sunday." "W-What do you mean 'tied up'?" "I placed all the money in a series of bets for this weekend's buckball games. I can't lose!" I. Was. FURIOUS. My patience with Foodha Cheese and his stupid chip was running out fast. [DAY 400] The next day, I went to see my mother, who's also my hairdresser. "Barbecue?" she muttered. "Sea salt and vinegar." I stated. "I see." She didn't know much about potato chips. But she always knows alot about anypony. And I hoped she could help me. "Lunestia, if he thought he found a good luck, great. Anything to get that guy out of a funk." "Okay, so if believing in the chip makes Cheese happy, then there's no reason to discourage him?" "Exactly. Eventually, he'll see it's just a regular chip." Mom made me think that there was no harm in Cheese's new take on life. After all, he won the 500 bits. So technically, it was his to spend. I thought, heck, maybe the bets would pay off. [DAY 403] By the time the weekend rolled around, I was feeling better about the whole situation. Yeah, I had a glass-encased snack in my living room, so what? But then- CRASH!!! It happened. I had accidentally broken Cheese's chip. He was gonna be home soon, so I had to act fast. I thought how hard could it be to make a chip look like a big, round, fat guy? Harder than you'd think. "Ugh, this kinda looks like Al Horse." I groaned. But it was on my third potato and my fourth glass of wine when I finally made one I thought might pass. "Howdy there, Luny." Cheese chimed. "How was your day?" "G-Good, good. It was good." "Well, I've won every single game in my bet, if Appleloosa wins this one, it's 2,500 bits!" "Oh, wow." I really thought maybe he wouldn't notice. "Time to pay my respects." But......no such karma. "L-Luny......d-did you touch my Foodha chip?" he stuttered. "Why would I touch your Foodha chip?" "This is not my Foodha chip." "Are you sure?" "Are you kidding me? Look at it, it's the spitting image of Al Horse!" Racked with guilt, I finally confessed. "You pulled the ol' switcheroo?" Cheese gasped. "I'm sorry, I-I panicked! I'm sorry, it was an accident." To make matters worse, Cheese's luck immediately took a sharp turn. He lost 2,500 bits and he was crushed. I hated to see him that way. Although, I figured the whole Foodha insanity was over. [DAY 406] A few days later, I was surprised to see a deliverymare leaving our house. I couldn't imagine what Cheesy could have ordered. "Cheese?" Considering, in the last 48 hours, he had lost his job AND Boneless again, who had a bad run-in with a cart... Yeesh. "Oh, good." Cheese said. "Honey, you're home, I could use some help." I should have seen it coming. "W-What is all the- CHEESE!!!" He had bought 1,000 bits worth of potato chips. But that wasn't even the worst part. "How did you afford all of this?!" I hollered. "Oh, I put it on your credit card." he stated. "Don't worry, I'm gonna pay it all back once we find a new chip! Does this look like Princess Celestia to you?" It was official. Cheese has boarded the crazy train. "Luny, could you grab me a jar?" Lunestia hasn't eaten a potato chip since dumping Cheese. Cheese Sandwich later found a pretzel that resembled Gandhoof. He took it to Las Pegasus and lost his life savings at the slot machines.