//------------------------------// // Dungeons and Dimwits // Story: Prank War! // by Ashfur //------------------------------// "Finally, I have you right where I want you, you little rat!  Prepare to learn how it feels to lose your head over something!" Nick sweated nervously as he stared down the burning sword pointed at his face.  Fear crept up his back as possible escape routes flew through his mind, knowing one misstep would mean his death.  Celestia and Luna weren't doing any better, one passed out from the pain and the other bleeding from deep wounds that would never fully heal.  Truly, this was the trio's darkest hour, their lives hanging by a thread… "Be it our turn yet, Sparkle?  We intend to use the barbarian's Steel thy soul ability to ignore our constitution check." Twilight looked up from behind her gamemaster's divider.  "Sorry Luna, it's not your turn yet and you already used Stoke the rage, and until that wears off in three turns you're stuck with it.  Celestia, make a death saving throw." Dice clattered across the table.  "Sixteen." Nick groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.  "Yeah, that's great, but I'm the only one with a turn before the Sultan of Blades moves again, and he has a reaction prepped, so I'm done for even if I try something."  He slammed his head down on the table, rattling a few pieces to and fro. Twilight's Ogres & Oubliettes games were always tough but fair, and it seemed she had gotten the better of them this time.  Ten weeks of leveling up, down the drain. "Are you four done being boring and non-chaotic in here yet?  I can smell the rule-following all the way from Fluttershy's and if this keeps up… well, I can't exactly file a complaint since I'm allergic to bureaucracy, but rest assured there will be serious consequences related to a certain chaotic pony and a certain waterfowl ending up in your kitchen." Most of the table quizzically turned to look at the new arrival, confused by the draconequus's non sequitur.  Only Celestia truly understood the severity of that threat, and made a mental note to duck-proof her cake stash.  One incident was enough. Nick wasn't in the mood to deal with Discord's antics at the moment.  "Don't you have anything better to do, you giant flying pool noodle? I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this situation." "Do I have better things to do?  Yes. Am I going to do them? No.  Hello, princess purple drillhead!" Discord's head extended, stretching out like putty and arching over the table such that he was staring her right in the face, albeit upside down.  "Who's winning? And what inning is it?" "Discord!  Remove thy wing from our face at once!  We-" Luna was silenced by a feather from the wing in question shushing her.  This only served to make her even more irritated, channeling her anger management classes to avoid slipping inti the Royal Canterlot Voice and blowing all the figurines off the table. Twilight, on the other hoof, was having exactly none of Discord's antics.  She glared back at him. "If you want to play, sit down and obey the rules of the game.  If not, let me finish my session, please." Discord responded by sticking his tongue out and licking her muzzle.  "Ew! Discord! Out!" "Fine, fine."  He snapped back to his normal size, slinking up and down like an accordion, before smiling at the group.  "Good luck trying to fail, friends! The only thing that can help you at this point is a spirit and a letter!"  With that odd pearl of wisdom dispensed, a pearl engraved with that message literally falling out of his mouth like a pez dispenser, Discord swiftly and promptly exited through the ceiling fan. "Spirit and letter… try to fail…" Nick mumbled to himself, deep in thought. "Nick?"  Twilight shocked him out of his reverie.  "It's your turn. Do you need a minute? Discord can be pretty distracting." "I'm gonna make an attack roll.  Specifically, my rogue skill Assassination." "Art thou insane, Nicholas?  The odds of that working are-" "I aim to hit anywhere except the Sultan of blades, and elect to fail my roll.  Ergo, I miss my target, hitting the sultan. Twilight, I roll 5d20 for damage to him plus an extra 2d20 since he's an equine target, right?" "Wha- but-"  Twilight tried to sputter put a response.  "You can't do that! That's against the rules!" "You let me voluntarily fail an attack roll last week to miss and intimidate a prisoner.  I don't see how missing my strike at 'anywhere but the sultan' is any different, miss I-always-follow-the-rules." "But-but-but-but-"  The gears in Twilight's head spun at high speed.  By all accounts, he was right, and given her strict adherence to the game rules, she all but had to comply.  She sighed. "Ugh, fine. 7d20 damage. But never again." "I'll hold you to that, Sparky.  Maybe this'll finally teach you to lighten up on the rules."  The dice clattered across the table twice as Nick rolled. "Desperate attack perk, I roll twice and take the higher damage.  Let's see… I got 63 for this set…" Twilight grinned. It'd be close, but she could still- "...and 93 for the second." Twilight's stunned silence was all the answer he needed.