//------------------------------// // Applejack // Story: My Crazy Ex // by 23 KM To Nerdiness //------------------------------// [DAY 1] I'm Chrome Shield, unicorn stallion guard. I work part time as a park ranger in the Canterlot national park. I get to spend nearly every day surrounded by nature. Besides, with the occasional tourist regretting feeding a bear, it's a pretty laid-back job. Or, at least it was until one afternoon, I had came across a small cart of camping and hiking equipment. Outside of the designated camping areas, you don't see alot of ponies, so it felt......odd. Could've been some kids looking to party. Or could've been a group of psycho KILLERS looking to dump a body. It could happen... Either way, my guard was up. To my relief, it was a mare. She was using a metal detector. "Uh, ma'am?" I said. "Oh, I didn't see ya." she gasped. "There somethin' wrong here?" "You know, using a metal detector in these parks.......it's technically illegal." "Oh shoot, it is?" she winced. "I truly am sorry there, feller." It's the law that anything buried on or around a national park belongs to the government. Can't just dig it up and take it. She didn't seem like the body burying type, just a little clueless. So.......I let her off with just a warning. "So, you watch over this ENTIRE forest all by yer lonesome?" she asked me. "Yep, keep a sharp eye on it all." I nodded. "You must know a thang or two 'bout this place." "Inside and out." Being a park ranger can be kinda lonely. Escorting her back to civilization, I was kind of bummed that I'd probably never see this mare again. "Alright, ma'am, hope you have a pleasant evening." I sighed. "You too, pardner." she tipped her hat. But then, things took an interesting turn. "W-Wait." the mare stuttered. "Actually, ya know any place to get some grub 'round here, mister..." "Chrome. Chrome Shield." "Nice to meet ya, name's Applejack." "But yeah, actually there's a hayburger place nearby. I can take you there if you like." "Well, much obliged, but.....maybe you'd like to come along." I said yes. And a burger led to a mug of cider, which led to another mug of cider. And a few mugs of cider eventually led to... "Heh, never slept with a guard before." the farm pony giggled. I'll admit, the uniform hadn't done me any favors. "Heya, Chrome?" AJ said. "There's somethin' I gotta tell ya." But a word of caution: When somepony decides to suddenly having a confession to make 10 seconds after going at it, BEWARE. "I......I haven't really told ya why I was out there in them woods." "W-What were you doing there?" I asked. "I-I was lookin' for my family's fortune." That's right. She said she was looking for her family's FORTUNE. "My auntie Red made a ton of bits back in her day." she said. "She was one of the first ponies to sell bottled apple juice." ".....wow." AJ said her family was a bit dysfunctional and her auntie Red did something.....a little crazy to keep their 'greedy' hooves off her moolah. "She bought 100,000 bits worth of gold and she hid it in the woods." "W-Why didn't he just put it in a safety deposit box or something?" "Ol' auntie Red never trusted banks." AJ sighed. "She passed away a week ago and......I was the only one there by her side." Yep. I've just been told that AJ's aunt stashed 100,000 bits worth of gold somewhere in MY national forest and with dying words, she told AJ, and only AJ, where she buried it. And the instructions never told her straightforward where it was, that'd be too easy. Red left her CLUES. "Now, I know they sound like she's speakin' in tongues, but I honestly think it means somethin'." I knew she wanted my help, but as I said, it's against the rules. But, my favorite movie growing up was 'The Loonies'. The idea of buried gold got the best of me. "O-Okay, I'll help you look." I said. "But, whatever we find, we have to report it first, agreed?" "Read ya loud 'n clear." [DAY 2] So the treasure hut was on. I have to confess, I was actually excited to see what we could find. "Okay." I pondered. "The first clue your aunt gave leads to this place here, 'Crescent Moon Valley', if I'm right." "Mighty smart thinkin' there, Chromey." AJ applauded. It took us most of the day to get to Crescent Moon Valley, but it was fun. We were like two kids sneaking off into the woods together. It was getting dark by the time we got there, so we set up camp and took a crack at Clue #2. I remember thinking the clues were pretty easy to figure out. AJ made me feel like Windiana Pones. SNAP! "W-What was that?" AJ gasped. We were in the WOODS, I figured it could've been anything. But it did sound a bit like hoofsteps. "I don't know who'd be out this far." I stated. "Um......" "......what?" Warning #2: beware of confessions that come out around a campfire right before you think you might get it on. "My.......ex-coltfriend....might've overheard my auntie Red while she told me the plan." "Wait, I thought you said you were ALONE." "I was the only one by her side, but.....he was nearby..." I was pissed. I was going out on a limb for her and THIS comes out? There was a ex-coltfriend that might be creeping out there! "Anypony ELSE in that room I need to know about?" I huffed. "No, no, I swear." I should've just called off the whole stupid thing right then and there. But she seemed so sweet and genuine, I believed her... Again. She had this incredible way of changing the subject, and I forgot all about ex-coltfriends and noises in the woods... Until the next morning. [DAY 3] We were all set to continue the hunt. But when I go to pull the cart, the wheels were GONE. "You gotta be kidding me." I groaned. "Think anypony could've done this besides your ex?" "No, it was definitely him." she hissed. "Can't believe he was just plumb crazy 'nuff to DO this!" "Why?" "M-My ex......is an ex-con..." Warning #3: beware of confessions that come the next morning AFTER you get down and dirty by a campfire.......the night... You know what..........you get the idea. "Why didn't you tell me that before?" "Because.....'cuz I know how insane it sounds! I can't even IMAGINE what you're thinkin' right now!" "Oh, I think you can." "Chrome, we have to find the gold, 'SPECIALLY if my ex's still out there! It'd be a darn CRIME if he got 'em." This is one of those moments in life where you look back and you say "What the HELL could I have possibly been thinking?!" Years of watching Dooby Scoo Pointed to only one thing: This was total BS. But I decided to believe her... AGAIN. "Hey......if we're gonna find that gold, we'd better get moving." I said. "Ya really mean it?" she asked. "Yeah, let's go." So, with no cart, we double timed it on hoof all the way to the top of that peak. My heart was racing as AJ searched around with her metal detector. "Think I got somethin', Shield!" AJ cheered. We were about to unearth 100,000 bits worth of GOLD. We were digging FAST. Eventually, we dug deep enough for AJ to reach in and haul out this lumpy sack. Now, I had an image on what we were gonna dig up... This wasn't it. This bag was filled with jewelry, not gold. "W-What's with all this?" "Uh.......I-I don't know..." she murmured. And then, it got REALLY weird. "You don't have to do this." some random stallion said, approaching us. "Wait, who are you?" I stuttered. "Please, you don't have to do this, Applejack." he pleaded again. The moment I turned to her- WHACK!!! When I came to, I was tied up and my head was killing me. But my ego was gonna take a real beatdown. "A-Applejack..." I coughed. "What's going on?" "What's goin' on?" she uttered. "You and Trendy here are gonna camp out while I make my way outta here." Now bear with me, here's what really happened: Two years before I met her, AJ and her 'friend', Trenderhoof robbed a couple of jewelry stores. AJ got caught first and went to jail. But before Trendy got captured, he buried the money and jewelry in the forest and wrote her a letter with cryptic clues on how to find it. He made it cryptic in case the guards went through her mail, which they sometimes do. Around the same time, AJ got released on parole and went looking for the goods herself. And that's where she met me, the lonely guard/ranger who could lead her to it. She used my knowledge of the park to her advantage. There was never an auntie Red or any of that. Even when Trendy turned over a new leaf and came to talk some sense into AJ, he couldn't stop her from tying us both up. I.....may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but AJ couldn't tie a knot for crap. "She'll never find her way out." I scoffed. The guards caught up to her the next morning wandering, hungry and lost. Applejack served another 6 years in jail. She just finished writing her first children's book..... about lost pirate gold. Chrome Shield saved a mare who got trapped in a landslide. He calls her "his real buried treasure".