[DAY 1]
Name's Quillian B. Inkheart, down on his luck unicorn.
I had just left my marefriend's house...
My EX-marefriend's house, to be more accurate. She invited me over to tell me it was over. It was the third time I'd been dumped in the last year.
That's when I ran into Twilight Sparkle.
We had dated back in college. I studied philosophy, she was a psych major. Seeing she was in the middle of a signing here in Manehattan for a book she recently wrote, it seemed that, unlike me, she actually did something with her degree.
I haven't seen her in years and she looked good. Went inside to say hello, and then after the signing, we caught up.
"So then, I got my master's and went into private practice." Twilight stated. "That's when I started writing the book."
"That's really impressive." I said. "So, what's it about?"
"Relationships. It's a self-help book for stallions from the female's perspective. Speaking of which, how's your love life these days, Quill?"
"Funny you should ask..."
I told her about my run of bad luck with the mares and that's when it stopped being two friends just catching up.
"Okay, first off......it's not 'bad luck'." Twilight said matter of factly. "It's you."
I just sat there and looked confused at her.
"Don't take this the wrong way, Quill, but......you're a mess."
"..."
"..."
"W-Well that's kinda hard NOT to take it the wrong way." I uttered.
"I can help you if you want."
"With what?"
"Everything. Changing your life. Look, I've specialized in working with guys like you."
"Mmm, I don't know." I sighed in my chair. "You counseling me....it'd be too weird."
"Think about it. Read the book and take my card. Look me up in case you change your mind."
I took the book and the card but, no matter how many degrees she had, the last thing I want is advice about my love life from Twilight.
But, after some thought, and a little desperate, I took the egghead up on her offer.
[DAY 7]
"So.......how does this work, Twily?" I asked. "D-Do I just talk about my life?"
My first session with Twilight was awkward, to say the least. Now, I haven't been to therapy of ANY kind.
"Do I have to talk about my mom, cuz that's a whole different-"
"Relax, we'll get to all that." she said nonchalantly. "But first things first..."
It was not what I expected.
She pulls a nice, clean tuxedo out.
You've got great raw material, you're attractive, you're smart, funny, BUT, when mares look at you, they don't see that."
"......okay, then."
"Real mares want real stallions. You're outfit screams 'I spend all my bits on Playcolt magazines'. We're gonna have to change that."
"I thought this was gonna be more therapeutic..."
"My methods are a little unorthodox, we're gonna work from the outside in. Step 1: change your look, change your life. Also, no shortcuts. Make yourself look nice."
If I was gonna do this, I was gonna do it right. So, for the next couple of weeks, I avoided taxi chariots and walked to work to lose a few pity pounds I've gained for awhile. I even spend more than the usual 90 seconds on grooming after I got out of the shower in the morning.
I gotta say, I looked pretty good.
At least for me...
[DAY 21]
"Nice." Twilight applauded at my form. "Very nice. Think you're ready for your first assignment."
What she suggested for me to do next FLOORED me.
"Tonight, I want you to go to this cocktail lounge, walk in like you own the place, sit at the bar and stay there until you hook up with a mare that you'd consider to be out of your league."
"I'm sorry, what?" I snickered.
"It'll help boost your confidence. Trust me, do what I say, you'll be amazed at the results.
The whole exercise seemed crazy, but my way of doing things never work. So, I took a leap of faith.
That night, I went to the lounge Twilight picked out for me. She said I'd be confident, but I was just uncomfortable. I remember thinking Twily didn't know what she was talking about and that her advice was ridiculous...
"This is stupid." I huffed.
"What's stupid?" a mare beside me asked.
Until it TOTALLY worked!
"Oh, nothing." I murmured. "Was just talking to myself."
"Doesn't sound like you don't have very nice things to say to you." she giggled. "That's a great suit, by the way."
So, we talked for awhile, had a few more drinks and the next thing I know, I'm snuggled up with a beautiful mare wondering why it took me so long to go to therapy.
[DAY 23]
"It. Was. AMAZING!" I exclaimed. "Once we started talking, I just got into the moment and it all worked out. AND she loved the suit!"
"See?" Twilight says. "If you act confident, then your subconscious starts to believe it."
It was a little odd giving her all the details. We did used to date after all. But, she insisted. Said it was 'part of the treatment'.
"So, it's been two days, do I see her today, or wait a little longer?"
"Oh, you're never gonna talk to or see this mare again."
"I-I'm totally confused, I thought you wanted me to meet someone special."
"You're not ready for 'special' yet, Quill!" she stated. "If you started seeing this girl, I guarantee you'll blow the relationship."
It didn't make sense to me and neither did what happened next.
"Here."
"A-An.......an eyepatch?"
"I want you to go back to that same bar and wear the patch. REALLY own it! This lesson is about role-playing. Eyepatches are hot, it'll work."
Honestly, it sounded a little bizarre. But, Twilight was the expert, so I did what she said and wore the patch.
"The explosion was bad." I grunted dramatically to the mare beside me. "But the eye was a small price to pay for the lives saved that day."
"That's incredible!" she said in awe. "You are SO brave."
[DAY 30]
And the next week when Twilight told me I was too cautious and needed to move outta my comfort zone. I spent the night pretending I didn't speak ENGLISH, just like she told me to.
"Hi, there." a random mare approached me.
"Hola." I said seductively.
"O-Oh, uh.........habla Inglés?" she pondered. "At all?"
"El baño es cerveza muy fría."
Which translates to:
["The bathroom is very cold beer."]
"I have no idea what you said, but it sounds super attractive."
"Sí.......plátanos."
["Yes.......bananas."]
All of Twily's advice seemed so weird and silly and a bit dishonest, to tell you the truth. But everything she said worked, I've never done this well with mares.
Now I know why.
[DAY 37]
"So, then I just said 'gracias' and left."
"Amazing, Quilly." she clapped. "You handled that perfectly. Now, today's assignment is standing out in a crowd, so tonight.....I want you to go out in this."
A tuxedo with a red rose.
The same outfit I wore to the Spring Formal back in college...I mean, it couldn't have been a coincidence.
I was having a good time completing these assignments, but, to tell you the truth, I started to enjoy my appointments with Twilight just as much.
At first, I thought I was going crazy so, that night, I wore the tux as requested. I waited for about an hour and nothing. I felt like an overdressed fool.
I just sat at the bar realizing that the pony I really wanted to be with was Twilight.
And that's when I got my first BIG surprise of the night.
"Oh, hey, Twilight!" I laughed. "I wasn't expecting to see you here-"
"We need to get out of here." she said in a hurried tone.
"Oh, sure, lemme pay the bill and-"
"N-No, no, we need to go, NOW!"
And then, all of a sudden this tall, armored stallion just blocks our way out saying we were under ARREST!
That's when I learned Twily wasn't your average therapist. I thought she was building me up for a relationship. Turns out she was building me up for her 'CLIENTS'.
That book she wrote? It bombed, and ponies stopped going to her for therapy. Suddenly, she was in debt. And THAT'S when she decided to start a second career, matching wealthy businessmares from outta town with young studs who fulfill their fantasies, like meeting a mysterious stallion of action, or the handsome stranger who only spoke the language of love.
Twilight eventually realized she was up on the cops' radar and tried to warn me, but it was too late...
I was a ho.
Funny thing is, I never read her book until after everything happened.
It was terrible.
Charges were dropped against Quillian.
Twilight received a suspended sentence.
They're both currently writing a book together:
The Art of "Hooking" Up.