A Magical Issue

by My Little Epona


Unicorn Parenting 101

Chapter 4

Unicorn Parenting 101




“So….let me get this straight.” Flash Sentry stared at the twitching statue of his wife, propped against the crystal wall of the castle. “She...stepped on a pair of scissors….and this happened?”

“I realize I sound insane.” Rainbow groaned. “But it happened. I’ve spent the last twenty minutes trying to get her to respond to anything. So far, this is all I could get.” She trotted over to Twilight, leaning over to her ear.

Unicorn.” She whispered. Twilight gave a violent jerk, limbs trembling nervously, her eyes still glazed over as she stared into space.

“That’s…...not good.” Spike groaned, running a talon over his face. “Definitely not good.”

“I’ve tried everything I know.” Rainbow sighed. “Poking, slapping, shaking, dumping water on her head….I’m out of ideas.”

“I’m still trying to understand the scissors.” Flash looked confused.

“Uh….long story. Way long.” Rainbow waved a hoof in dismissal. “Too long to tell.”

“Oh...kay...then.” Flash squinted into Twilight’s eyes. “Well, if I know my wife as well as I think I do, I think I’ll know what’ll snap her out of it.”

“Then go for it!” Rainbow said, exasperated. “Cause I’m sure not getting anywhere!”

“Okay….hmm.” Flash tapped a hoof to his muzzle thoughtfully. “Hey Twilight, there’s a book sale going on at someponies house. They have the Canterlot Encyclopedias,first editions,full collection and signed by the author.”

“Really?” Rainbow’s jaw dropped as Twilight broke her position and grinned happily, leaping up and down in place. She looked more like Pinkie Pie than the dignified Princess of Friendship now. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh I can’t believe it! That’s so awesome! How even is that possible?”

“Um….yeah, about that.” Flash chuckled awkwardly. “It’s not. Sorry. I lied.”

“What?” Twilight stopped bouncing in midair, losing momentum and crashing down to the ground. “Hey….that wasn’t funny.At all.”

“Sorry.” Flash said apologetically, helping her up. “You were kind of broken.”

“I was….um, what?” Twilight blinked. “Hey, how’d we get here?”

“Had to drag you back to the castle.”Rainbow grinned. “Good to have you back in the land of the living. You’ve been totally out of it for, like, twenty minutes.”

“Wow.” Twilight placed a hoof on her head, bewildered. “What happened?”

Both Flash and Spike instantly looked at Rainbow Dash expectantly.

“It’s….um...a long story.” Rainbow’s excuse was far from being delivered smoothly. “And it has to do with crazy things, like a pair of scissors. So it wouldn’t make much sense.”

“Oh...right. Scissors.” Twilight frowned, closing her eyes. “Now I remember.”

“Ahh….you do?” Rainbow said anxiously. “You sure?”

“Kind of hard to forget.” Twilight said wryly, opening her eyes and shooting Rainbow a look. “I’ve never seen Octavia scream like that.”

“Would anypony care to explain what the Tartarus you’re talking about?” Flash demanded, looking frustrated.

“Sorry, honey.” Twilight gave a rueful smile. “Long story short—scissors plus baby Unicorns doesn’t end well.”

“That still doesn’t explain much.” Flash grumbled.

“I’d….rather the story stayed unknown from as many ponies possible.” Rainbow ducked her head to hide her flushing cheeks. “Which may be sort of hard.”

Flash gave a long sigh, massaging his forehead.

“Okay.” He gave in with a rueful groan. “But my curiosity will haunt me for the rest of my days.”

“As will my embarrassment.” Rainbow added.

“Okay, now you’re just throwing that out on purpose.” Flash accused.

“Maybe.” Rainbow flashed a sheepish grin.

“We’ll be out of your mane soon.” Twilight promised, giving Flash a quick peck on the cheek. “I set aside this time to visit Rainbow, but since she’s here, I can give her a lesson on Unicorn parenting 101.”

Rainbow perked up at the offer of help, then wilted a little when she realized Twilight had said “lesson”.

“Like….what sort of lesson?” She asked carefully. Twilight’s eyes glittered, which was an immediate red flag.

“Are you ready?” She asked.

“Do you want me to answer honestly?” Rainbow groaned.

“Excellent! Let’s go!”

“NO--” Rainbow’s desperate cry was cut short as she was enveloped in Twilight’s magic, disappearing with a flash of light.




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Rainbow blinked in surprise.

She had no idea how Twilight had managed to teleport her perfectly onto this stool, but somehow it had happened. Twilight stood right in front of her, grinning like a maniac, levitating a piece of chalk over a blackboard.

“Couldn’t you just give me some pointers?” Rainbow begged. “I don’t need a whole lecture. Just some helpful ideas, maybe some examples?”

“Unicorn Parenting 101!” Twilight said, completely ignoring her friend’s pleas. “Lesson One—Learning to watch for magical surges! Ooh ooh ooh—or maybe it should be foal-proofing your home! Or maybe even--”

“Twilight!” Rainbow cried desperately. “We both know I don’t learn from lectures. Remember the last time you tried that?”

“Oh.” Twilight wilted a little. “Right.”

“Maybe if you could show me some examples of foal-proofing within the home….” Rainbow hinted.

“Oh.” The Alicorn brightened. “You know, that’s actually a good idea!”

“No need to sound so surprised.” Rainbow huffed, then cracked a grin. “Come on, then. Lesson One?”

“Of course!” Twilight tossed aside the piece of chalk. “I know just where to start—stairs!”

“Stairs?” Rainbow stood, puzzled, following her friend as she trotted out of the room. “Who are you, Sombra? What do you mean?”

“I mean you have a kid that’s not gonna be airborne a lot of the time.” Twilight explained, stopping near a tall spiral staircase. “You need proper protection to keep her from falling down constantly. Let me tell you—nothing is more fascinating to a baby than stairs.”

“Other than books.” Rainbow groaned.

“Well, hopefully that was a one time occurrence.” Twilight continued, pointing a hoof at the stairs. “Now—exhibit A.”

Rainbow blinked.

Screwed into the crystal at the top of the flight was a white plastic gate, shining it all its cheap, flimsy glory.

“…….seriously.” Rainbow deadpanned. “You have a castle, and you get a plastic baby gate.”

“It was on sale. Don’t judge.” Twilight huffed. “It did the job and kept Galaxy from brain damage or premature death. If you want to do the same with Rainshine, then you can’t be so picky.”

“Okay, okay.” Rainbow held her hooves up in a pacifying gesture. “Relax.”

“You’ll want a gate that has a sturdy, anti-magic latch.” Twilight jumped right back into the lecture without missing a beat. “It’s a pain to open with your hooves, but it keeps your kids from opening it themselves.”
“Okay, that’s good to know.” Rainbow nodded, tapping her muzzle with a hoof. “Where is a good place to get one?”

“Well, I just got this one at the furniture stop here in Ponyville. Nothing special.”

“I can see that.” Rainbow muttered under her breath, which earned her a glare from Twilight. “Okay, what’s next?”

“Corners!”

“…….what?”

“Corners.”

“No, I heard you, I was wondering…...why corners.”

Twilight sighed.

“Corners, because kids are energetic and crazy.” She said. “They’ll be running around everywhere. You need proper protection because they’re so adorably clumsy. So….viola!”

Rainbow turned to follow the direction of her friend's pointing hoof and found it indicating the corner of a wall, which was covered with a waist-high rubber pad.

“It saved Galaxy many a tumble that could have been a lot more painful.” Twilight said proudly.

“You put these on every corner?” Rainbow asked, trotted over to examine it closely. “How did I never notice?”

“I only put them in the main living quarters.” Twilight explained. “That’s where Galaxy was most of the time. I didn’t want these things all over the castle.”

“Okay, that’s a good idea.” Rainbow looked back over to her friend. “What’s next?”

“Locks!” Twilight said. “I know you don’t usually have them at your house, but trust me—baby Unicorns can open doors like that.” She clapped her hooves together. “You’ll need special locks for your doors to keep Rainshine from breaking everything.”

“Got it.” Rainbow said confidently. “Is there anything else?”

“Um...let me think.” Twilight tapped a hoof against her muzzle. “Those three were the first that came to mind—and they’re the foundation of good foal-proofing. What else...what else...”

“Maybe we can move to something like the care and keeping of Unicorn foals?” Rainbow suggested. “That’s pretty important too.”

“Right! To be honest, the most important part of that is horn-trimming.”

“What?” Rainbow’s eyes widened in shock and alarm. “Why does that even exist?”

“Relax—it doesn’t involve anything you’re probably thinking of.” Twilight sighed.

“Good.” Rainbow tried to wave away the images of scissors and—strangely enough—chainsaws near her baby’s head. “What on earth is it?”

“You know whenever Rarity goes to the spa, she gets her horn filed?” Twilight said. “That’s it. Easy and non-dangerous.”

“Good.” Rainbow was slightly more at ease now. “What does it do?”

“If a pony’s horn gets too long, it gets harder to control their magical abilities.” Twilight explained.“That’s why it’s so important for foals. Their magic is explosive already, so keeping it trimmed properly is imperative for safety.”

“Impera-what?”

“Important.”

“Okay. I’ll take your word for it.” Rainbow shrugged. “How exactly does one trim a Unicorn’s horn?”

“I’ll show you.” Twilight offered. “If Galaxy doesn’t mind, that is.”

“Great.” Rainbow smiled. “Should we go find her—” Her words were swallowed by the loud popping noise that came with teleporting, and both ponies vanished.

They reappeared elsewhere, in a bedroom that clearly belonged to a child. Books and scrolls with nearly-illegible writing were scattered over the floor, alternating with quills and half-empty ink jars. The bed was buried beneath stuffed animals, and the tall windows were veiled with slightly tattered gauzy curtains.

“Galaxy!” Twilight called, carefully stepping over a stack of books. “Are you here, sweetie?”

“M-m-mom?” An anxious, shrill voice came to Rainbow’s ears, and the head of an orange-coated Unicorn filly poked out from behind a nearby desk. “H-how did you g-get into my room?”

“Sorry for the impromptu entrance, honey.” Twilight gave an apologetic smile. “I promise I’ll try not to do it again.”

“I-it’s fine. I guess.” Galaxy blinked, readjusting her wide-rimmed glasses. “W-w-what is Auntie Rainbow D-dash doing here?” She gave an embarrassed squeak, withdrawing halfway. “S-sorry. I meant no offense….”

“Of course not.” Rainbow gave her a grin. “Hey, Galaxy. What’s going on?”

“N-nothing.” Galaxy ran a nervous hoof through her indigo mane. “W-why did you come h-here so suddenly?”

“I wanted to demonstrate to Auntie Rainbow Dash how to properly file a Unicorn’s horn.” Twilight explained with a calming smile. “Do you mind helping me?”

“N...no, I don’t mind.” Galaxy slunk out from behind the desk, wilting under the attention from the two grownups. “Should we g-go to the b-b-bathroom?”

“Yes, of course.” Twilight opened her wing and let Galaxy hide underneath it. She bent down, whispering into her daughter’s ear, “It’s okay.

Then, with a flash of light, they vanished again.




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“You really need to stop doing that.” Rainbow Dash groaned. “I’m starting to taste copper. Is that normal? Should I be worried?”

“I’m sure it’s fine.” Twilight said in a preoccupied manner, searching the bathroom cabinets for something. Galaxy, unable to hide beneath her mother’s wing, slipped behind the shower curtain.

“What are you looking for?” Rainbow asked.

“Found it.” Twilight hopped off the edge of the sink where she’d been balancing, levitating something with her magic. That “something” turned out to be two horn files, one of which she handed to Rainbow.

“Galaxy, it’s going to be okay.” She said, trying to coax the filly out from behind the curtain. “I’m sorry for startling you earlier. Auntie Rainbow doesn’t bite. You know that.”

Galaxy peeped out cautiously from behind her refuge, glancing furtively at the Pegasus, who perched on a hoofstool. Rainbow gave her what she hoped was a calming and encouraging smile, spreading her hooves out so she looked harmless.

Galaxy took a deep breath, slowly but surely creeping out, inch by inch.

“Just hold still, honey.” Twilight wrapped a protecting wing around Galaxy, who snuggled against her feathers. “Ready?”

The filly gave her a tiny nod.

“So, you want to start at the tip.” Twilight said, demonstrating. Galaxy squeezed her eyes shut, as if expecting the worst. Rainbow stood and trotted over so she could see.

“You work your way around the first spiral, making sure to shave off any dead skin.” Twilight shifted her head so the light was shining on her work. “You’ll want to apply more pressure as you move down, since the skin gets thicker—“

“Twilight!” The bathroom door slammed open as Spike barreled inside. The immediate reaction was expected, but also quite humorous.

Rainbow gave a loud gasp, leaping into the air and immediately slamming her head against the ceiling. Rainshine, who was still inside the saddlebag, gave a coo of delight at the ride she’d gotten. Thunder said nothing—he was still asleep.

Galaxy gave a high-pitched shriek of alarm and absolute terror, flinging herself bodily into the cabinet under the sink and slamming the doors.

“SWEET CELESTIA IN SOCKS, SPIKE!”Twilight yelled, leaping backwards and crashing into the shower curtain, her weight causing the supporting rod to snap, so she careened into the bathtub, tangled in swathes of floral-patterned fabric.

“Um….” Spike stood, scratching his head at what had just happened. “Was this a bad time?”

“A--” Twilight attempted to get up, but tripped over the broken shower curtain rod. “--Bad--” She rolled over, causing her wings to become hopelessly tangled. “--TIME?” She landed on her face.

Spike blinked.

Galaxy was still hiding in the cabinet, Rainbow was lying on the ground, clutching her head while Rainshine giggled, and Twilight was lying in the bathtub, unable to move.

“Should I go?” He asked.

“Was entering the room like that really necessary?” Rainbow groaned, squeezing her eyes shut and gritting her teeth. “I mean….really?”

“Um….” Spike said again. “I just wanted to say….Twilight’s late again.”

“Wait, really?” Twilight panicked, attempting to stand up once more, which didn’t end well. “What am I late for?”

“Story time at the local library.” Spike informed her. “I just remembered it.”

“No no no no no!” Twilight cried, doing something that looked uncannily like the worm in an attempt to get out of the tub. “I can’t be late again!”

“Do you need some help?” Spike raised an eyebrow. “For the record, I’m asking no questions about what was going on in here.”

“I was trying to teach Rainbow how to file a Unicorn’s horn.” Twilight answered shortly. “And yes, I could use a hoof here.”

“Got it.” Fighting back a chuckle, Spike trotted over to the bathroom and slit open the curtain with a claw. Twilight struggled out of it, standing up victorious with a flushed, sweaty face. Rainbow got slowly to her hooves, wincing.

“Are you okay, R.D?” Twilight asked. “No concussions? Brain damage? Memory loss?”

“I’m all good, Twi.” Rainbow sighed. “Well, I’m a bit worried about Rainshine’s brand of humor, but that’s it.” She indicated the amused filly.

“Okay, everypony’s fine.” Twilight exhaled. “Galaxy? Where are you?”

“I d-don’t wanna come out.” A trembling voice came from beneath the sink.

“Honey.” Twilight sighed. “It’s just Uncle Spike. He doesn’t bite either!”

“I’m. Not. Moving.” Galaxy’s voice was firm. “Ever.”

Twilight gave Spike a “help me this is your fault” kind of look. Spike sighed, kneeling down next to the sink.

“Sorry about that, Galaxy.” He said. “If you come out, maybe we can play a game of Ogres and Oubliettes? Would you like that? Come on—I’ll give your player twenty more magic points.”

The door creaked slowly open.

“There we go.” Spike gave her an encouraging smile. “The Squizzard isn’t going to defeat himself!”

“You okay now, honey?”

What was visible of Galaxy’s head bobbed in a nod.

“I have to go now. Will you be okay with Uncle Spike?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Great! I’ll see you later, sweetie. Bye bye!” Twilight offered a wave as she backed out of the bathroom, followed by Rainbow Dash.

“I’ll come with you.” Rainbow said once they were out. “To the library, that is.”

Twilight hesitated.

“Are….you sure?” She said carefully. “I mean….you saw what happened earlier….when Rainshine was in a library….”

“That was it, I promise.” Rainbow said. “I can keep her under control. I Pinkie Promise.”

“Are you totally, absolutely, 120% sure?” Twilight hedged.

“Twilight.” Rainbow insisted. “Trust me on this. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I don’t even want to guess.” Twilight sighed.