[DAY 1]
My name is Joseph.
I've been a single, game loving human for a few years ever since I've moved to Ponyville and that day, I was literally walking down the street thinking how seriously tired I was in the dating game.
And that's when I saw Pinkie Pie.
She was struggling with a cart of baking supplies.
"U-Uh, you need any help with that?" I asked her.
"Really?" she squeaked in surprise. "That would be so super duper amazingly fantastically helpful, thank you so MUCH!!!"
"Sure, no problem."
What were the chances that you're thinking about finding the perfect woman or mare, and then the next second actually feeling like you've just met her. That's when I told myself it was probably meant to be.
Pinkie was a self-proclaimed 'super scooper baking assistant' at Sugarcube Corner. She was very pretty and she had this whole bubbly childlike innocence to her. Kind of a endearingly wacky type. Wackier than her signature poofy mane.
Eventually, we both get the cart of supplies toward the famous candy store, I helped her get everything in order, just fulfilling a good human deed.
"I just wanna thank you again so SO much!" Pinkie giggled before wrapping me in a quick as lightning hug.
"Oh, don't mention it." I shrugged. "It was totally nothing-"
"I would like to bake you a pie." she cut me off, a large as life smile on her face.
Bake me a pie?
"Y-You know, to thank you for the assistance." she continued.
"Oh, no, you don't have to do all that-"
"Nopey nope, I INSIST!"
Kinda had to admire her persistence. But, at the same time, I heard it gets a bit tiresome. But I'm not complaining.
Yet...
"Well......okay, I guess," I chuckled. "Or, we could grab dinner Saturday night if you want."
Her light cerulean eyes lit up, accompanied with the biggest grin only a pony like her could ever create. "That. Sounds. So. Much. FUN!!!" she squeals in delight.
[DAY 4]
The next day, as I was about to head out the house to meet Pinkie, it caught me completely by surprise when she suddenly showed up on my doorstep holding a wide blanket over her forehooves. She yanked it aside with an anticipated smile, and....
"TA-DA!!!" she yelled.
She actually made me a pie. An APPLE pie, which is my absolute favorite.
I was so shocked, that the OBVIOUS part of this never occurred to me:
How the hell did she know where I lived?
Anyways, our very first official date went really well. She was funny and kooky, but in a good, silly way. I liked her alot. Soon, we made it back to Sugarcube and reached the doorstep.
"I had a really great time tonight." I said.
"I had a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really..." her really's began to slow down as we soon inch our way into a quick kiss.
That moment was a moment I would never forget. Especially when she nearly blinded me with a small camera that she slyly used to take a pic of our tender little moment.
"GOT it!" she squeed, looking over the photo. "Priceless. Look at how clueless you looked."
"Uh.....yeah," I uttered. "You really got me there."
"Hey, you wanna come in for a drink?" she asked. "We have pineapple mango cherry strawberry rhubarb punch!"
"While that is tempting, I'm not so sure about-"
"I have a HayStation 4 upstairs."
My jaw nearly hit the floor.
How she figured out my love of video games, I have no idea but I knew there was no way I was going home that night.
[DAY 5]
The following morning, I woke up on the bedroom sofa and found myself staring at a giddy, wide awake Pinkie Pie cuddled up with me in a cozy quilt.
"We're gonna get along JUST fine, you and I." she whispered.
And at that moment, I think I believed it.
[DAY 14]
About two weeks after we met, Pinkie invited me over for what she called a 'very SPECIAL surprise'.
She had this little black smudge on her face, like tar or something, and I was gonna tell her about it, but you know when you don't tell someone about something within the first few seconds, it's kinda too late?
Well that's what happened.
"HAPPY TWO WEEK ANNIVERSARY!!!" Pinkie roared in excitement before plopping an eye-poppingly colorful gift bag onto my lap.
"T-This is unexpected, I didn't get you anything." I stuttered.
"Oh, that's okay, silly. You'll like this one."
I didn't know what to say. I mean......'Two Week Anniversary'? But she was so happy and excited, that I didn't wanna be THAT asshole and hurt her feelings. So, I opened the bag and pulled out a little heart-shaped pillow with a picture of us on it. It was pink and girly and not really my thing but she obviously worked REALLY hard on it.
And it's the thought that counts, right?
"W-Wow." I said.
"'Wow' indeed," Pinkie cheers. "I knew you'd like it! Ooh, one more thing."
She then just digs into her bushy mane and flings this key in my hands. "It's the key to my place!" she states.
I mentioned we've only known each for TWO WEEKS, right?
"It's okay if you didn't have anything for me."
I know it was stupid of me, but I didn't know what to do, I panicked. So...
I gave her the spare key to my place.
[DAY 18]
Every few weeks, I'd get together with my sister, Alexis, and just hang out. It was a good excuse for her to keep tabs on me...
"So, when are you gonna get a REAL job?"
And to boss me around.
Before I could answer, a pink envelope slips from under the front door and glides it's way onto the table we were playing cards on.
"You gonna open it?" Alexis asked.
I wasn't worried about being rude to my sister, I knew who the letters were from without even looking at the address. However, the card bursts open with confetti and glitter where a little swaying Pinkie puppet holding a big red heart chanted "I love love LOVE you, Joe!!!" over and over, to my sister's amusement.
"Ooh, someone love love LOVES you." she snickered. "She sounds like a very serious, grounded mare."
Now, I love my sister...
But man, she can be really harsh when it comes to the girls I date.
"S-She's just a girl I've been seeing for a few weeks, Alex."
"She's in love with you after only a few WEEKS?" she sighed.
"W-Well, you don't understand, she's....unique." I stated. "She's fun, she's great and.......different."
Of course, she knew I was in complete denial. I wanted to tell her that she was wrong and that Pinkie was totally stable but I guess we both knew that wasn't true. 'Fifty Shades of Crazy' she says I was getting myself into.
[DAY 24]
Pinkie was making me dinner for, like, the FIFTH time that week and I was really liking somepony looking after me. Although, the only weird thing is seeing sloppy foal's drawings all over the fridge.
"Isn't that cute?" Pinkie laughed. "The Cake twins made those."
There were drawings of us in love, in balloons, getting married and having a kid.
Actually, make that FOUR kids.
Maybe.....Alex was onto something.
Later that day, I knew what I had to do, but breaking up with Pinkie was really REALLY tough. It was like looking into the eyes of a wounded animal.
Technically, she kind of IS an animal...
"I'm just.....NOT in the right place right now to be with someone." I said. "I-I just don't think this is good timing."
Pinkie's devastated frown slowly vanished.
"S-So you just need time?" she sniffled.
"Yeah, like, right now."
She just took one long look at the heart pillow in her hooves and turned to me with a small smile.
"I'll always love you, Joey." she said.
[DAY 30]
A few days later and it became obvious that Pinkie wasn't ready to move on. The moment I saw a lone steaming crockpot in my kitchen, my imagination went insane.
To my relief, but also my confusion, it was just peach cobbler. Pinkie broke into my house and made me PEACH COBBLER.
How the holy hell can you report that?!
[DAY 53]
"Alex, remind me again WHY we're.......on my roof."
Then it all made sense: the black smudge on her face, the random leaves I'd find in her mane...
Pinkie had been living on my rooftop for over a MONTH, so she can watch me come and go.
"Hello, Joey..."
My heart sank as I spotted the psycho mare relaxing on the roof's railing. And that was where I learned the truth:
Pinkie was batshit crazy.
"P-Pinkie, this is NOT you," I tried reasoning with her. "You need to clean all this up and go home."
"But you and I are meant to be together." she stated creepily.
"I broke up with you."
"But I thought we were on a 'break'."
"Not......really."
"I-I did everything right, I-I cooked for you, took care of you..."
"I'm sorry, Pinkie, it just wouldn't work."
"Okie dokie lokie." she sighed as she hopped away before returning with something shiny and blue.
I swear to GOD, it was a blue cannon.
I didn't even know they made blue cannons!
"P-Pinkie Pie, just.....put the cannon away, please."
"Oh, no no no NO!" she hissed. "I-If I can't have you, then nopony- WOAH!!!"
Pinkie suddenly lost her footing trying to aim until-
POW!!!
The cannon went off, it's blast threw the psycho pony off the roof to the ground down below.
I really did not see that coming.
Ambulance came to collect her, said it was a miracle she survived. You know, nothing a couple of months of physical therapy couldn't fix.
Her mind, however...
"You guys are SO nice." Pinkie giggled as she's strapped down and carried away. "I'm gonna bake you all a tasty pie."
Joseph relocated to Fillydelphia and hasn't heard from Pinkie Pie since. He is currently taking a break from dating...
AND pie.