“Oh Goddess, oh Goddess, where is she!? Did you get her!?” somepony yelled in frantic panic. That mare from the station, pale green, pink mane, wearing an apron, a herd of foals around her, yelling at a teenager with braces. What’s happening? The free flowing panic floods my system and everything is set to high alert. I can smell it. Something is burning.
“Did I get her!? Get who!? You told me to get the children in the playroom!” the teen yells back.
“Oh my Goddess, Oh my Goddess! She’s still in there!” She turns to me. I’m startled. There’s a plea for help in her eyes. I try to avoid the look. I turn away, but she’s already on me. Fear, anxiety, and most dangerous of all, hope floods my system.
“Oh, it’s you! Sir, can you help me? There’s a foal in the back room!”
I chewed on my lip. The flames were already starting to crawl outside the window of the old wooden house. If I go in, I’m likely to die. The structural integrity of the house could be compromised. This isn’t worth my life. I shouldn’t even be here. I try to deflect. “Oh… is that so?”
She falls to her knees and presses her forehooves to my shoulders. Sincerity, desperation. “Please, save her!”
I know better. I shouldn’t rush into this. My life is as much on the line as the foal. There’s no benefit to me. As a matter of fact, it’s more likely that I come away with only negatives. I should not. I shall not. I go to tell her no, but against everything my brain says, the words, “I’ll do it,” come out instead. No, no, no! You idiot! Why!? Why would you say that!?
A new wave of sweetened hope attacks me like a torrent. Something like a confused smile with a hint of relief takes over the aged mare’s face. “Oh, thank you so much! She’s in the back right! If you hurry, the fire might not get there before you can get out! There’s a window in that room, the latch should be unlocked! Hurry!”
I should shake my head. This is a mistake. I should tell her no and turn tail before this gets out of hoof. However, before I even realize it, my hooves hit the ground running, straight into the smoking house. Red, orange, and yellow tongues of flame dance like whips that lash at my coat, searing and encircling me.
You idiot! Can’t you even control yourself for a moment!? My brain continues to fight with itself while my eyes take in the scene. Left door is already being swallowed by the fire, the right is free, but the black smoke is creeping along the ceiling. I cover my snout and dart to the back. Time is of the essence. Another door, another room. I hear crying. Wailing. A filly if I had to guess.
The fire eats away at the floor, driving me toward a corner. Two sets of fear fill me, at least one of them is my own. Desperation seeps in, I look for the way I came in, but the fire has already sealed my exits. I try to pull the handle of the door in front of me, but the metal burns my hoof.
“Damn it!” No other choice, I slam into the door with my body. It doesn’t budge. Something creaks above me and I move just in time to avoid being crushed by part of the ceiling falling. Adrenalin spiking, action takes over and I can see with a clarity unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
Whips of heat strike at my fetlocks. Desperation kicks in. I slam the door again and again. The wailing gets louder. Hidden strength wells up within me, and I slam the door once more. The lock cracks, the wood breaks, the door swings free.
There she is. A cradle in the center of the room, a window facing the outside. I rush to carefully grab the foal, and without missing a step, I lunge at the window with the baby in my hooves.
When I think back, I’m not quite sure I remember how I even got there. I just… moved. Something compelled me, but I just couldn’t think of what. I should preface; I am not that kind of pony. A hero? An idiot. Somepony who dies in an effort to save. A waste of life. A fool. But, against it all… here I sit, staring at the roaring blaze as it shifts and stirs before me.
For whatever reason, I was having trouble thinking straight. It’s almost like the thick black smoke that was bellowing above the flames was clouding my thoughts too. Why was I even here? I don’t remember the reason. Everything is such a fog now that purpose is lost to me. I rocked my left hoof slowly, but couldn’t think of why I was doing it.
“Mister Spectator, are you okay!?” At the call of my name, I searched for the voice. Female, familiar, concerned. Concerned? Who do I know that would be concerned about me? I've only been in Ponyville for a day. I don’t know anypony by name. Sirens blared in the distance, and the violent flickering lights didn’t do much to help me see into the stark blackness around me. My eyes finally settled on a lone figure approaching. White coat, pink mane tied up in a bun, surgical mask over her snout, pastel pink scrubs on.
“‘Am I okay?’” The words tasted odd to me. “Why would I not be?” With the sky obscured by the black, and the darkness of night, there was only so much that could even tell me where I was. Whatever was in my foreleg stirred a bit, and I made a quick motion to bring it closer and hold it tighter. I had to blink. Did I really…? Whose foal is this?
She tilted her head. “Why would you…? Spectator, you weren’t in there, were you? What happened?” I stared at her for a moment. Didn’t I see you earlier today? I must have. You look familiar to me, but I just… where am I?
“No, I wouldn’t- gah!” I went to shake my head, but moving my neck made a searing pain flare up my left side.
She reared back. “You were in there! Oh Goddess, you’re covered in burns! Quickly, come-”
The foal in my foreleg cried. An instinctual reaction, I brought her closer and stroked her little frame. “Hush now, everything is alright…”
The white mare blinked. “Whose foal is that?” Something must’ve clicked to her because her eyes widened. “Sweet Goddess, was she in there too!? Is that why you ran in!?”
Was that it? No, I wouldn’t have. Idiots rush recklessly into flames. I’m not that kind of pony. I’ve never risked anything for anypony. But… undeniably, I’m clearly burned, and holding a foal that isn’t mine. There’s no other way this makes sense… but that doesn’t make sense. Slowly, I shook my head. “I… Ms. nurse, I think I may be in shock. I don’t quite remember.”
The mare tilted her head in confusion, then shook it in response. “That’s perfectly reasonable, I suppose. Come with me, we need to get you to the hospital for treatment. You’re covered in burns as it is, there’s no telling what else happened in there to get you like this.” We started to walk away, and my ears twitched. A crack somewhere. All the hairs on my neck stood up straight. With as much force as I could muster, I threw myself at the nurse and protected the bundle in my forelegs.
FWOOSH!
The blaze had eaten away at the support beam, and the roof tumbled down in a spectacular spray of sparks.
Finally away from the flames, away from the cruel fire and the dark fumes, I could see the true horror of it all from the hospital window. Even on a cloudy night like tonight, one could see the glowing smoke rising into the air from miles away. Ponyville was known for its low thatched houses, and made great and efficient use of the woods nearby for all its construction. Some fragmented memory told me that was the truth, but where did I learn it?
She took me in an ambulance back to the hospital, and all the while, my memory was still shattered into bits and pieces. I could get glimpses, like when I read Redheart’s nametag, bringing back that I introduced myself to her earlier somewhere, but the rest were all trivial things at unspecified locations. Important memories, like how I ended up in the middle of this little village during a rare and dangerous fire though? Not in the slightest.
The bundle in my foreleg shifted, and again I went to comfort it. I simply had to take a moment and reflect on my actions. Everything I do involving this foal must be instinctual. All the marefriends I’ve ever had called me ‘cold’ and ‘unaffectionate’ my entire life. There’s no way I’m consciously doing this. It’s against my nature.
And even then, who does this little filly belong to? Did I really run in there for her? That’s unlike me. I’ve never been the one to make a move. I’ve always watched others live their lives from the sidelines, that’s what my destiny has always been. I shouldn’t have a story of my own, I am the Soul Spectator. Just an observer, it’s in my name.
Redheart clapped her hooves in my face. “Spectator. Over here.”
“Ah, sorry.”
She rolled her eyes. “I need you to look at my flashlight. You’ve got a bad bump on your head and I’m wondering if you might have a concussion.”
I nodded, and the nurse proceed to check my eyes. When the flash moved in front of me, I saw a vision in it. Burning. I’m burning. The flames are crawling up the sides of pastel colored walls and out of a window. Somepony. A mare. Don’t I know her? She’s screaming in distress on the road. The light passes, and the memory goes with it. I blink a few times, and Redheart seems satisfied with that.
“Well, you don’t seem to have a concussion, so there’s the worst of it. You really don’t remember anything?”
I shook my head… then nodded. “I might? Somepony asked me to go in there, I think.” using my free hoof, I rubbed at my temple trying to force the memory back. What happened? There had to be incentive. Something must’ve been worth my life if I ran into a blaze like that. What could possibly have compelled me to move?
“Somepony asked?” Redheart interrupted my thoughts. “I thought the daycare staff managed to get all the foals out…” She brought a hoof to her chin for a moment, then a jingle sounded from her computer in the hospital room. “Oh, that foal is Cherry Blossom, by the way. Her mother is out of town right now, and she was being watched by somepony with the daycare staff. I had one of the clerks call her, and she should be back early tomorrow morning.”
I nodded, finally realizing that I had yet to stop rocking her. Why would I save you for somepony I don’t know? I could’ve died in that blaze. I’d never risk my hide for somepony else, what in the world happened? I pulled at the swaddling to see Cherry’s little face, and sure enough, she was as pink as her namesake. Dark red mane in two tones budding in with sleepy little eyes. She seemed so at peace, even with the little signs of singing on her coat and all over the blanket. It brought a warm feeling to my chest, but I couldn’t place what it was.
“That’s… good to hear.” The words came out of me, but they didn’t sound like they belonged to me. Who are you?
Redheart nodded. “I’ll say. I can’t believe the negligence of those ponies. Who leaves a lit candle in reach of foals? Don’t they know better?”
I blinked. “A candle?”
“That’s what started the fire. Somepony was playing with a ball inside, as they’re constantly told not to, and broke it. The wick didn’t go out and the carpet caught on fire. It hit the paper supplies, and the rest is history. I know you’re new in town, but most of the buildings here are made entirely of wood.”
I nodded. “Yes, there was a brochure…” A brochure? Right, at the train station… I’d just arrived, and I asked… that mare for directions. She pointed me one way, then… Finally, enough of a memory returned, and I remembered how I knew this nurse. “You… showed me to the hotel today.”
Her brow furrowed and she nodded. “Well, yes, I did. I know that bump looks bad, but did you forget most of today or something? That wasn’t exactly a short walk after all...”
Using my free hoof, I felt for the bump, but gasped as soon as I found it. Maybe found it a little too hard. “Ow, ow, ow…” I shook my head. “Possibly?” Something more started to come back, and I could clearly see the mare I asked for directions. Pale green, pink mane, overweight, one or two children trailing her. Of all the ponies around, she seemed the most friendly, so I asked her. She had a basket with her, and she gave me… something. Redheart lives here, she knows the town and the ponies in it.
“You wouldn’t happen to know what the daycare owner looks like, do you?”
Redheart raised a brow. “Keylime? Sure, she’s one of my mom’s friends. Green, mane colored like mine but cut short and held together with a big butterfly clip, kinda fat. Uh, don’t tell her I said that. She will find me if she finds out.”
I rubbed at my chin. So that was the same mare. She asked me to go in. What in the world did she give me to make me do that? It had to be because of the gift. There’s no other explanation. “Redheart, was I carrying something when we walked to the hotel? Some of it is coming back to me, but I can’t quite figure out why…” I would do something so dangerous for free.
“You can’t figure out why… what?”
I shook my head. She doesn’t need to know that. “Oh, that’s not important. Was I carrying something? Other than my bag?”
“Uh… geez, that was hours ago. Maybe?” A light bulb went off somewhere in that head of hers, and she moved to one of her desk drawers. She pulled out a vaguely familiar jar filled with a pastel green colored cream like substance. “One of these maybe?”
She passed me the jar, and I inspected it further. What is this? Rolling the jar around revealed a goopy, jello-like consistency whatever it contained. If her name is... “Keylime pudding?”
Redheart nodded. “Yessir. It’s her specialty. She teaches the kids how to make it and then runs around town giving it out to ponies. Oh! If you finish yours, make sure to return the jar. She likes to reuse them, and…” She sank a little in her chair and her ears drooped. Crap!
“Ah… I suppose, the daycare isn’t there anymore now, is it?” she sighed. Bitterness. Anguish. Sadness. Nostalgia tainted by despair. Every single emotion she felt in that moment hit me all at once before I could guard myself against it. She continued, “The daycare has been run out of that house for about three generations now. I… spent a lot of time there helping Keylime and my mom make sweets back when I was a filly. Even got my cutiemark patching up one of the foals on a summer afternoon. All those memories, up in smoke, huh?”
Waves and waves of emotion pounded against me. It took everything I had not to rush over to the little trash can and hurl whatever I’d eaten today. Nausea and anxiety, a disgusting taste of bittersweet. I’ve always believed that my cutiemark was something of a curse. I can always tell what a pony is feeling just by the look on their face, and it’s easy for me to sense the mood in a room. But the worst of all is when I get too close and I can feel that emotion.
It makes me sick, it invigorates me, it turns my mood on a dime, and none of it is ever related to how I really feel. I can’t stand it. Every new town, every new city, somepony wants to get close to me, and nopony can stay away long enough for me to get comfortable. So long as I don’t look at them, so long as I don’t get too close to them, I can drown it out. I don’t have to take all their emotions in, I don’t have to be infected by somepony else’s mind. But even still, sometimes I can’t help it. Infatuation is the most dangerous. Love is the most destructive.
I’ve always done what I could to avoid social situations. I can read ponies from a distance and that makes it easy for me to avoid them. Ponies can be scary. Ponies can be cruel. All those emotions flow so freely, and like some kind of sponge, I get the full brunt of them whether or not I want to. I ran away from home because I knew my parents were on rocky waters. The fighting became too intense, the anger was infectious, and I had to get away.
I always broke things off with the mares I met because the moment that infectious infatuation started to fade, my head was clear again and I could see them for who they really were. Superficial creatures looking for somepony to pour their feelings on so they don’t have to deal with them. Well, I don’t want them either! I can never be alone because nopony would ever let me! I hate this cursed eye on my flanks, and I can’t stand the fact that I’m not strong enough to live away from society.
As far back as I could remember, I hated ponies in general, myself included. That’s why this is all so confusing. No, because I know I’ve always felt that way, none of this makes any sense. I wouldn’t have done what I did on any other day. Nopony’s life is worth my own, and a damn jar of pudding wasn’t worth it either. What could have possibly made me run toward the fire instead of away? An answer never came, so I turned to the window to watch the dance again.
Fire ponies and weather ponies had gathered around, beating rain clouds and shooting streams of fire tinted water at the blaze, slowly but surely wearing it down. I noticed the slow burn depression start to ebb, and another one take its place. The feeling tasted strange to me. I wasn’t infatuation, or hope, or love, but it was very sweet and prominent. The feeling was so strange that, when I turned to look at its source, I caught her eyes and she blushed and turned away.
“Is… something the matter?” I asked.
White to light pink to red, her cheeks flushed harder when she tried to look at me again. “With me? Ha! Nope! Definitely not! Ha ha. I uh...” Her forehooves came to meet each other in front of her belly, and then she went to tapping them together. What in the world is this sensation? What is she embarrassed about? I couldn’t remember the last time I felt something new from somepony else, but today seems to be a day of many firsts.
Finally working up… the courage, I suppose, she scratched at her cheek and almost managed to look me in the eye again. “Oh, well um… I…” blushing, she stammered. “I just… wanted to thank you. For earlier.”
I blinked. “Why?”
She blinked. “Why? You saved my life! I didn’t even realize how close we were to the fire, the roof almost came down on us!”
In a flash, it all came back at once. The fire, the panic, the fear, the adrenaline. There was no denying it now, all of that was me. But worse than anything, I drew a conclusion to my question. Nodding slowly, I felt… at ease. “I suppose I did.”
Redheart frowned. Oh Goddess, is she disappointed? Ha! Stick around me and there will be a lot more of that in the future. “That’s uh… really not what I was expecting?” Something light and bubbly started to well up inside me, and I couldn’t help but let it out. How long has it been since I laughed?
Redheart tilted her head. Whatever was there before was replaced by such a strong sense of confusion that I found even that funny. “Are you alright Spectator? I should probably get you in for a head scan tomorrow… maybe it’s worse than a concussion.”
Finally calming down, I shook my head and waved a hoof at her. “No, no, no, it’s alright I promise... I just… remembered something funny, that’s all.”
“Oh-kay... Care to share with the class?”
Another chuckle escaped me before I finally settled down. I sat up straight and held Cherry with both forelegs. Here I am, some foreign stallion holding a baby that doesn’t belong to me, yet she hasn’t complained once since we left that burning building.
“My name is Soul Spectator. My cutiemark is an eye with a blue flame over it, and ever since I got it, it’s brought me nothing but misery. It… makes me feel what other ponies feel, and that scares me. I’ve always used this power to keep ponies away and push them out of my life, because between myself and them, I couldn’t tell who disgusted me more. I even went so far as to believe others as something like… lesser beings. Today, however, I had the chance to really prove myself after all these years. And in the end, I couldn’t I couldn’t just walk away when I had the chance to save a life. I wouldn’t really be living up to my name if I turned my back and let somepony else’s candle burn out.
“After fifteen years of running away from it… I think I finally understand my special talent.”