To my faithful -- if injured -- student, Twilight Sparkle,
Oh Twilight.
I have included a list of legal representatives that your stipend should be able to cover comfortably as per your request, and you'll be pleased to know several of them acted in your family's defense during your time here in Canterlot.
Your loving mentor,
Princess Celestia.
Dear Spike,
As you are perhaps the only bastion of sanity that is both familiar with Twilight and present to give me a less-biased view, how bad was this on the Purple scale? I really can't justify continuously paying off families not to press charges. Do you think she can handle this on her own, or should I prepare the usual countermeasures?
The usual consultation fee of four sapphires and one ruby with that 'spicy' enchantment you like will be sent in response to your answer at the usual time.
Your friend,
Princess Celestia
Dear Anon,
Anon, I will pay you in coffee for every week Twilight can go without having to re-learn a lesson, or behaves in a manner more responsible or mature than Spike. If you can go a month, I will convince Luna to visit you for a film night.
Penned by,
HRH Celestia