Tiwrecked
Discord sighed as he wiped the sweat from his brow. “Hoo boy…this whole villain interview business is getting tiring. Makes me wonder why all these guys would want to take over such a peaceful land...” He said before a hand puppet of himself started to speak in front of him. “Hello pot, I’m the kettle!”
Discord scoffed, “Fine, fair enough. Anyways, who’s my next victim?”
The puppet pulled out a tiny clipboard and stared at it. “Let’s see. After Sunset, Twilight and her friends had to fight off our plunderseeds, but we can’t really get much conversations out of seeds, and we already know we’re the perfect baddies.”
“No doubt about that!”
“So we’ll need to skip ahead to the villain after that,” the puppet flipped his notes before seeing the next name, “Tirek, would you come through the door please?”
“Ah yes, Tirek,” Discord’s ears perked up the moment he heard that name. “TIREK?! That lowdown, magic-eating beefcake’s not allowed in my office. We’re skipping that one.”
“Sorry boss, but he’s the Season 4 finale villain and a fan favorite. They wouldn't like it if we skip over him. Besides...I already invited him in,” the hand puppet sheepishly said.
“YOU WHAT!?”
Suddenly, large steps reverberated behind the door, before being followed by heavy knocks on the door. The door banged again as a big meaty fist rammed through the door and dragged it’s way towards the knob, where it gently turned to open it. The door then fell down to pieces as Tirek squeezed his way through. His imposing entrance brought Discord and his puppet to the floor as they stared up to the new guest.
Tirek stifled a laugh as he stepped forward, his voice dripping with venom. “Well, well, if it isn’t my old friend Discord. Aren't you glad to see me again?”
“AAAAH,” screamed the Discord puppet, “IT’S SATAN!”
If the tension in the air was a bubble, it was definitely popped by a chainsaw, as Tirek was too busy being confused to be intimidating. “Satan? Who in Equestria is that?”
The two Discords looked at each other then back at Tirek. “The... other big buff red guy with horns who also lives in the most evil place in the world.”
“Never heard of him,” he said with a shrug. “In any case, I had a feeling you would call me for your little villain tea party sooner or later. You should be happy I’ll take any moment to get away from those neanderthals I call partners.”
Discord popped up at his desk chair. “That’s nice T-Rex, but I’m running a professional show here, and while you are certainly a bonafide villain, I’m afraid you’re in a No-Jerk Zone. So I must kindly ask you to leave the premises.”
Tirek crossed his arms. “How can I leave, isn’t there some kind of rule where I can’t leave without hearing your diagnosis or whatever drivel you told Chrysalis.”
“I have no idea what your talking about,” Discord said with his arms behind his head, “there’s no way I’d place a ridiculous rule like that for the sake of covering up a major plot hole of why the guest can’t just leave my domain.”
“Wait, I thought that was exactly the reason why we did that rule...”
Discord’s eyes grew as big as plates as he slowly turned to stare right at his tiny puppet. His pupils dilated as an inferno flared in his eyes. The puppet gave a small innocent grin and shrug.
“Sorry?”
“I should've made a sandwich instead of making you!” Discord yelled as he opened a small door and launched the puppet right through as it screamed in terror. “Well that’s well and done with. It’s hard to get good biased help these days, wouldn’t you agree?”
Tirek gave an uncaring hum as he made his way to his chair. A chair that proved too small for him as he easily crushed it to pieces with his hooves. “I suppose you didn’t prepare for my arrival.”
Discord rolled his eyes as he popped up a new and much bigger chair for the centaur to sit on. “I’m more surprised you were so eager to come to my show. I’m guessing the big bug lady gave you a special invitation and you just had to attend?”
“More like she came and warned us for any doors leading to an annoying draconequus. Although, it took us a while to get that message...seemed she had a magic-immune muzzle that made it hard to get the damn thing off. We had to go out and buy scissors thanks to you.”
Discord started snickering at the idea of that reeing bug struggling while blades snipped all over her muzzle. “Sorry, but that’s what happens to my very rude guests. So unless you want me to turn your horns into a clothesline, I suggest we be civil about our disagreements.”
The imposing monster gave a confident laugh at what Discord just said. “Please draconequus, I have no need to antagonize you...at least for now. Although, I am interested to see what great bad guy wisdom you have for me. After being stuck in a swamp for so long waiting for this so-called right moment to strike, I’d like to sit back and see you try to defame me.”
For the first time today, Discord gave out an excited smile at the prospect of finally getting to the good part. “Well, I’m glad you asked, T the Wrecker, ‘cause I got plenty to say about your total takeover.” He then brought out a red file that was relatively large before opening it. “I got everything on you right here; so much dirt I could dump it all over you and turn you into a daisy!”
“Why is it so small?”
Discord made a confused face before looking at the file that held only a few pages of paper. He curiously took the pieces and stared at them. “Huh, that’s peculiar. I swear I had an encyclopedia's worth of dirt on you. Maybe I misplaced it all with the Celestia dirt I save for blackmail.”
“Or...maybe you have nothing on me fool!”
Discord gave an unruly glare at the monster. “What did you say?”
Tirek shrugged with a laugh. “I remember my tyranny far better than you apparently. Why, I came the closest to ruling Equestria with my own power. All of Equestria was left magicless, and Princess Twilight was rendered helpless as I absorbed the magic of all four Alicorns.”
“I guess I can’t deny that,” Discord reluctantly said, “out of all of those other losers, you came pretty close to ending the show early. Too bad you stopped at the finish line to kiss your biceps. If anything, you should be lucky that Twilight never thought to hit your very obvious weak point.”
“My weak point?” Tirek wondered.
“You know, the weak point where that arrow is directly pointing at your-”
“NO!” Tirek immediately yelled out, interrupting him as fast as he could, “That is not my weak spot.”
“Are you sure? The arrow is really obvious looking there, and if you were to have a weakness, it would be right on your-”
“Stop! Just Stop! That “arrow” is just how my fur naturally shapes itself! It is not a weak spot, and it never was!” Tirek pinched the bridge of his nose. “You have no idea how many times I’ve had to argue about this to my brethren back home. We aren't in any kind of game trickster.”
Discord took a glance at the non-existent camera before looking back at Tirek. “Foreshadowing moments aside, there’s still the fact that you lost. Believe me, I was there to see how all that raw magic went to your biceps as you turned those poor trees into charcoal.”
Tirek groaned, “You would remind me of that. Grogar spent an entire day lecturing me about that slip up. Made me take a test on it too...” His tone lowered a bit, “What are the do’s and don’ts of attaining unlimited power? Going for a test run or eliminating your enemies in an instant? OF COURSE I KNEW THAT ANSWER!”
“That’s an idea I’ll have to steal for myself,” Discord pondered to himself, “be that as it may, I’m sure you don’t have some major excuse that would make up for wasting your time destroying nature and not committing genocide.”
“Oh, you see, the funny thing about that is I actually do have a pretty good excuse for all that. According to Grogar, there’s some sort of incurable, contagious disease that all villains suffer from. Even you have shown signs of having it back when you first fought those ponies way back.”
Discord raised an eyebrow. “Really...and what disease would that be called...?”
“Plōt.”
Discord did a double take the moment he said that. “I’m sorry, but...plōt?”
“That’s what he said, plōt.”
“Grogar said it was plōt...?”
“Do you want me to say it a third or fourth time?”
Discord waved his hands around in a flurry. “Well, what in blazes is plōt supposed to be?”
“Apparently it’s a disease that affects villains and only sometimes heroes and forces them to make the most ridiculous decisions, even when they’re about to grasp victory.” Tirek crossed his arms in annoyance. “I wanted to burn those ponies to cinders, but because of plōt, my attention was focused on those damned woods and it led to my defeat! You see how it works now?”
Discord brought up his finger in order to retort, before retracting it and placing it under his chin. “That should not make sense, but now that you mention, it does explain all the other poor decisions I’ve seen baddies make on a daily basis.”
“You see? I’m not so much of a bad villain as you think I am,” he said with a snide glare, “let me ask you this draconequus, is a villain who managed to escape Tartarus, trick the God of Chaos into betraying his friends, backing the Princess's into a last-ditch plan, stealing all the magic even from the said chaos god, and was only stopped by some bullshit box he didn’t even know about really that bad at being a villain?”
Discord hummed deeply as he rubbed his claw on his chin. He then noticed his hand puppet slowly rise next to his face. “To be fair, he does have a point.”
Discord rolled his eyes as he brought out a vacuum and sucked the puppet back to wherever it was. “I suppose I should give you some credit. Getting defeated by a deus ex machina is a pretty telling sign that the ponies (and the writers) were desperate to find a way to beat you. So...why are you even here?”
Tirek gave a small chuckle. “When I realized that I would eventually come here on your show, I figured I could show your audience that their fan favorite noodle isn’t so great after all.”
The trickster raised an eyebrow. “Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout Tirek?”
“I’m referring to your own failures as a bad guy. Grogar told us every detail of your plan, and while it impressed me somewhat, I see that plōt was worse on you.”
“Oh really...and your gonna do my job for me? Well, I’d like to see that...and I’m not giving you my clicker, because it’s mine!”
“I won’t need it, I memorized your failures for occasions like this. Let’s see...you played around with your opponents like they were not a threat.”
“Like any God would,” Discord commented.
“You gave them a fighting chance to get their elements because for some reason you had some sort of moral code.”
“I’m not a complete jerk.”
“You did nothing in your infinite powers to even attempt to destroy your opponents and just played around like a child.”
“Well, it was working so far.”
“And even after the ponies returned with the elements in tow, and clearly way more confident than the last time they tried it, you decided to lazily sit on a throne and watch. Even after they launched the magic friendship blaster, you still did nothing!”
“Okay that is definitely my bad,” he admitted, “I really wanted to see those girls fail again and I was super bored. So now my next question is, what’s your point?”
It was finally Tirek’s turn to be totally confused. “What do you mean ‘what’s my point’? I’m trying to prove that you act all high and mighty about yourself when all you were was a weak-hearted fool who does nothing but play childish games to hide the fact that you’re a lonely idiot who can’t hide his ego!”
Discord blinked. “Sounds like the work of plōt to me.”
“...You sassy bitch...” Tirek deadpanned,before taking a deep breath. “So...what now? Did we learn anything from this? The whole point of this dumb show.”
“Um...try to find the cure to plōt?”
Tirek lowered his arms in defeat. “Yeah, I figured as much...” He made his way towards the door, knowing already that it was now an exit. “I’m getting out of here.”
“See you at the finale old partner!”
“PISS OFF!”
Discord felt the door slam reverberate all throughout the office, and yet everything managed to stay in place, as he shrugged it off without a care, “Oh well, guess that’s the end of that. I should probably get to the next villain, while I’m here, but first…” Discord snapped his fingers to form a random object into a different location. “I’m about to end that centaur’s whole career. Puppet!”
The puppet popped up once more and waved. “‘Ey boss!”
“Get my big black boot!”
---
“Hey, look Chrissy, Tirek is back!” Cozy Glow exclaimed with enthusiasm.
The now curious Chrysalis followed the voice of Cozy, who was pointing at a door leading to a dark portal. From there emerged the stocky Centaur out of the now disappeared door. “You two,” he said with a smirk, “here to welcome me? You shouldn’t have.”
Chrysalis rolled her eyes at the aspect. “Don’t care. What happened back there? Has that accursed draconequus done anything to you? More importantly, did he do anything that would give me another migraine?”
“As it turns out, Discord is just as much of a coward as when I first met him,” Tirek said with a smug grin. “He brings up his own ego by bringing down others, but when the shoe’s on the other hoof, he can’t do anything but quiver!” He then gave a hearty laugh. “And you were SO afraid of him, pathetic.”
“Don’t get too overzealous boy. Even if that’s true, I wouldn’t go about saying all that to an immortal god of chaos. He could be hearing this whole conversation at this very moment.”
“Oh golly geeze,” Cozy exclaimed with her hooves on her cheeks. “If that’s true, then we should be very careful about what we say next. Hey Discord! If you can hear me, I think you’re a pretty neat guy and Fluttershy is best pony!”
“Will you two shut it!?” He bellowed before giving a groaning. “I don’t want to hear another word about that idiot until after we destroy him along with those ponies. Besides, what is he going to do if he finds out? Annoy me to death, wrap a muzzle around my mouth, or cover me in condiments? I DARE him to try something.”
“Does that mean we shouldn’t open that door that appeared just now?”
Chrysalis and Tirek followed Cozy’s hoof that was pointing at a small door that suddenly appeared in the middle of the room. Chrysalis felt her fight or flight instincts kick in as she shined her horn at it, right before Tirek cantered towards it. “What are you doing fool?”
“Answering the door,” he said nonchalantly, “I won’t be intimidated by a child in an old coot’s body with the power of hacks. I’m going to teach him a lesson.” He walked towards the door, staring at it for a little while, before he heard two definite knocks. He hesitantly asked, “Who’s there?”
“CROTCH SHOT!”
“Crotch who?”
Suddenly, a big black boot blasted through the door and was kicked straight into Tirek’s crotch, causing him to keel over onto the ground. He immediately covered his area as he groaned in egregious pain. It took him several seconds to catch his breath before he could speak again, in a hilariously high pitched voice. “That limp-dicked bastard, he kicked me in my weak spot!”
Chrysalis, trying her best to stop her guffawing, got closer so she can hear much clearer. “I thought you clarified that you had no weak spots. Apparently you were wrong.”
“THAT WAS A TACTICAL BLUFF!” Tirek screamed like he had a tiny head. “No one was supposed to think that’s my weakness!”
“It’s hard for ponies to not think that when you clearly have an arrow pointing to it,” Cozy Glow nonchalantly shot back.
He could only respond with a squeaky growl. “Discord! I’m going to kill you and then kill you again!”
“Will you three keep it down!?” Grogar suddenly yelled out from another room. “I’m trying to get some sleep, and tell Cozy Glow to just put some ice on it, this isn’t a hospital!”
Tirek squealed even louder.