//------------------------------// // No, Not Today // Story: Proximity // by paperhearts //------------------------------// Smolder paused in the doorway of the dorm she shared with Ocellus, her heart full of sharp, knotted things. She had known what she would find there the moment her girlfriend failed to show in the canteen for lunch, and that knowledge had clung to her legs and squatted on her shoulders the entire way there. The bright midday sun was fighting valiantly against the drawn curtains; its marginal success exposed dust motes in the air and old scratch marks on the furniture, but elsewhere the room had been betrayed to the shadows and gloom. Darkened planes and muted shapes reached out towards her, warning Smolder that she was not wanted here, that she did not belong. The air was stale and oppressive as she breathed it in, and the way it congealed around her senses told her everything she already knew, but didn't want to acknowledge. That she was a coward. More than anything, Smolder wanted to keep walking. The things hiding within the room were too dangerous, too painful to confront. She wanted to keep walking, maybe to School Counsellor Glimmer's office, or even back to the canteen to round up the others. Both options were easier, both options were still helpful. But Ocellus needed her. Smolder's claws left marks in the door frame as she pulled herself through. She kept her distance from the window as she approached the bed; the first couple of times Smolder had thought that allowing clean brightness into the room would help, but it turned out that that had just been another way for her to run away from her feelings. Because seeing Ocellus like this broke her heart. And that terrified her. The bundle of blankets on the lower bunk bed twitched as she approached, but otherwise made no attempt to relinquish its prisoner. Smolder stared at it for a few moments before taking a seat at the end of the bed. Silence draped itself once more across the room. Smolder folded her arms, her brows furrowed. A thousand brittle sentences fought inside her head, each one sounding perfect for a fraction of a second before self-doubt and fear snapped them in two. She hated this, just hated it. She needed to be strong, to be reassuring, but in these moments she just couldn't. Her heart was beating itself to death against her ribs, her lungs trembling like startled butterflies. She knew that at best she was going to be unhelpful, and at worst, harmful. Her gaze returned to the duvet, which she could now see was rising and falling in a gentle rhythm. Watching it, Smolder felt a spark of irritation, and for a few seconds indulged the idea of allowing it to grow into an inferno that would consume both Ocellus and herself, leaving nothing behind except ashes and the honest remains of their heritage, their essence. But she wasn't that dragon anymore. In fact, it hurt how much that part of her slumbered these days. Aspects of her had being discarded, both willingly and reluctantly, but there didn't seem to be any rules or maps for the replacements. That was a sickening thought, and once again Smolder wanted to turn and run—to keep running and flying and whatever else it took to get someplace far away and safe and secure. But she cared about Ocellus, so she would stand her ground. She would stand her ground and let the elements do to her as they wished. "I'm worried about you," she said, flinching at the fragility in her voice. After a moment she placed a hand on Ocellus' buried form. "I mean, really worried, 'Cel. I don't know what to say, what will help." After a moment, a pair of dull eyes peeked out from under the blanket. "I'll be fine," Ocellus mumbled. Smolder bit down the first response that came to her, choosing to exhale the hurt and anxiety instead. "Bad day, huh?" "Something like that." Needles pressed down beneath Smolder's scales. She wanted to grab Ocellus and shake her, to show her how much she was worrying her, how much Smolder cared about her, but she knew from painful experience the flaws in that plan. So instead she swallowed down another breath. "Do you want to talk to me about any of it?" Ocellus stared at the floor, the concealed window, anywhere but at Smolder. Smolder pretended not to notice the same way she had pretended not to notice the lethargy in her girlfriend's voice. "Um, not really. There's not much to talk about anyway." "Okay, no problem." Smolder swung her dangling legs, trying to ignore the sensation of her stomach tying itself into knots. After a moment, she turned back to Ocellus. "Do you want to just lie there and steal some cuddles from me instead?" The range of emotions that briefly crossed Ocellus' face were like muted echoes, ghosts lost quickly to the gloom. Then, slowly, she nodded her head. "All right then." Smolder tried on a smile. "You know, I wanted to skip out this afternoon anyway. Dressmaking and Makeup 101? Please!" "I'm sorry!" Ocellus shrank back, and Smolder cursed under her breath. Obviously her girlfriend would see right through that. "It was a joke, and it's fine," she replied firmly, moving up to lie beside Ocellus. She wrapped her arms around her—duvet and all—and pulled her in close. She wondered if Ocellus could feel her heartbeat through all of that. She hoped Ocellus could feel her heartbeat through all of that. "I'm top of the class anyway, remember," she added, hoping to spark a little fight, a little motivation. "Teacher's pet, in fact. It'll be fine, promise. 'Sides, there's nowhere else I want to be right now." She met Ocellus' gaze and smiled again. "I care about you, 'Cel." "I care about you too," Ocellus replied, a faint smile on her lips. Her eyes closed as she exhaled. Smolder felt the tension leave her girlfriend's body, her own tension dissipating with it. Maybe there never would be a guide or a map. But maybe they would never need one.