No Longer Living In A Van Down By The River

by Peni Parker


Aria and Derpy Hooves

Aria Blaze groggily walked into Canterlot High School on a particularly awful Monday morning. It wasn’t awful because of the morning itself though. In fact, the morning itself was actually pretty nice; the sun was shining, the birds were singing, and temperature was pretty nice for this time of year. No, what made this morning awful was that Aria was incredibly hungover.

“I swear…I’m going to kill Sonata the minute I’m sober.” The tipsy Dazzling mumbled to herself as she made her way through the school.

The reason Aria was hungover was because, well, she’d had too much to drink, obviously. But the reason she’d had too much to drink was an interesting one.

You see, the previous night Sonata had rented a movie for her and her sisters to watch called The Wolf of Wall Street, believing it to be about a blood-thirsty wolf that terrorizes the people of Wall Street. Upon realizing, after they’d already started watching it, that the movie was about a stock market sleaze-ball, Sonata suggested a drinking game. She’d noticed that many of the characters frequently used the word ‘fuck’, so she suggested that they each take a shot of whiskey every time someone said it. By the end of the three hour movie the f-word was said some 506 times, which meant that all three Dazzlings had gotten completely hammered. Frankly, Aria wasn’t sure which she was more surprised by; the fact that neither she, Adagio, or Sonata had died of alcohol poisoning, or the fact that she still woke up in time to go to work.

“Come on, babe, don’t you wanna have some fun?” Aria heard a male voice say just around the corner leading to her office.

“I…um…I.” A female voice uneasily responded.

Curious as to what was happening, Aria stopped just before turning the corner and poked her head out enough to see Derpy Hooves being hit on by some douchey guy she didn't know.

“Don’t be scared, just say yes.” The douchey guy said as he placed his hands on the lockers to Derpy’s right and left, cutting her off from escape. “I can’t imagine a lot of guys ask you for a good time, what with your appearance and all.”

Derpy didn’t respond, but the look on her face said it all; she was uncomfortable and scared.

Aria had seen enough. If there was one thing in this world she hated, it was guys who couldn’t take a hint. She’d dealt with her fair share of them personally before, but it really riled her up to see it happening to someone like Derpy. After giving herself a few slaps to the face in an attempt to distract from her hungover feelings, she took a deep breath and steeled herself.

“Hey, asshole!” She composedly, and angrily, shouted as she quickly rounded the corner and threw one of the guy’s arms off the lockers, placing herself between him and Derpy. “She’s clearly not interested, so get lost!”

At first the guy thought about retaliating against Aria for interfering, but upon seeing the sheer rage on her face he decided he better just do as she said.

“W-whatever, it’s not like I actually I wanted to get with her anyways.” He timorously replied as he made his way down the hallway.

Aria breathed a silent sigh of relief that the guy had decided to back off, having been slightly afraid that things would turn violent. She wasn’t sure how’d she’d fair in fight given that she still felt hungover, but more importantly, she was afraid of such things like Derpy getting hurt or Principal Celestia firing her getting into a fight with a student (even if he deserved it).

“Wow, thanks, Aria!” Derpy exclaimed in both amazement and gratitude.

As Aria turned around to ask Derpy if she was alright, she couldn’t help but notice the look on the walleyed girl’s face. It was a look that she wasn’t too accustomed to seeing since losing her magic; admiration.

“Uh, no problem.” She responded, feeling a bit embarrassed from being looked at that way. “That guy didn’t hurt you, did he?”

“Oh no, you got here just in time.” Derpy confirmed, still staring at Aria with that look of admiration.

“Good,” Aria said, “Guys like that really make me…”

Aria was cut off from her conversing by the sudden return of her hangover. Now that the adrenaline had worn off, she was back to feeling like a high schooler after attending a frat party for the first time. The feeling made her slightly lose her sense of balance and she needed to grab the nearby lockers for support.

“Oh my gosh, are you okay?!” Derpy concernedly asked as grabbed hold of Aria, trying to help keep her on her feet.

“Y-yeah.” Aria unconvincingly stated, feeling like she was about to lose her breakfast.

“You don’t look so good, Aria.” Derpy pointed out as she wrapped an arm around Aria and hoisted her up. “Let me help you to the nurse’s office.”

“No!” Aria shouted as more adrenaline suddenly coursed through her, brought on by Derpy’s mentioning of going to see the nurse. “Just…help me to my office.”

One of the last things she wanted was to have an encounter with Nurse Redheart in her current condition. She knew Redheart would immediately realize she was hungover, and she wasn’t sure whether she’d keep that little piece of information to herself or share it with Celestia.

“Are you sure?” Derpy perplexingly asked.

“Positive.” Aria replied, sounding a lot more unconvincing.


Derpy had done as Aria requested, despite her reservations. She’d brought the pig-tailed motivational speaker to her office and now the two of them were just silently sitting around. Aria was behind her desk waiting for the coffee she was making in her Mr. Coffee 4 Cup Switch Coffee Maker to be ready and Derpy was in front of the desk just…staring at the Dazzling, intensely.

The staring was starting to make Aria feel uneasy.

“Uh, you okay there, Derpy?” She awkwardly asked.

“Oh yeah, I’m fine.” Derpy nonchalantly replied, keeping her eyes on Aria.

Aria couldn’t quite figure out exactly what it was about Derpy’s staring that made her feel so uneasy. It wasn’t the fact that her eyes weren’t level with one another, that never bothered her. No, it was something behind those eyes that was giving Aria a seriously weird vibe.

“Okay, well, class is going to be starting soon. You should probably get going, huh?” Aria remarked, trying to gently hint that she wanted to the girl to leave.

Derpy didn’t respond, or budge, or seem to acknowledge in any way that Aria had just spoken to her.

“Derpy?” Aria apprehensively said just as her coffee maker dinged.

The sound of her coffee being ready was like music to Aria’s ears. She quickly got up from her seat and made her way over to the machine on a table located on the right side of the room. Upon picking up the piping-hot cup of joe, she downed about half of it before giving a sigh of contentment. The coffee was already having the desired effect of lessening her hangover and she began to feel better. That is, until she turned back around and saw Derpy still staring at her.

“Aria,” the blonde-haired girl finally spoke up. “Can you teach me to be brave like you?”

In that moment, Aria was very glad that she didn’t have any coffee in her mouth because, if she did, she probably would’ve done a spit-take.

“I’m sorry,” She responded in both shock and bewilderment. “You want me to what?”

“Teach me to be brave like you.” Derpy reiterated as she stood up and made her way over to the confused Dazzling.

“I…I don’t know if I…” Aria began to anxiously respond, just before Derpy clasped her left hand with both of her’s.

“Please, Aria,” the walleyed girl pleaded. “If I were brave like you I wouldn’t need other people to defend me against those bullies all the time.”

Aria wasn’t sure what to do. She wanted to help Derpy of course, but teaching her to be brave, how would she even do that? She quickly ran through a number of possible answers in her head before coming to a sudden realization.

“Wait, what do you mean all the time?” She inquired. “What happened to you this morning with that guy happens regularly?”

Derpy let go of Aria’s hand, lowered her head, and took a step back. Her facial expression suddenly changed from one of pleading to one of soft anguish.

“Y-yeah,” She timidly answered as she rubbed her left arm. “People come up to me pretty frequently and either make fun of me for my eyes or hit on me thinking I’m easy. Sometimes I can just ignore them, but most of the time it gets to a point where someone else steps in to help me, like you did today.”

Aria could feel the pain in Derpy’s voice as she listened to her.

“How come you haven’t gone to Celestia or Luna with this?” She gently asked.

The distressed look on Derpy’s face only intensified after Aria asked her question.

“I-I did, but it didn’t help.” She explained. “Both of them said they’d do what they could, but district policy is pretty lax when it comes to bullying and they weren’t able to do anything that made any real difference.”

This didn’t surprise Aria in the least. She remembered back to when she was hired and Celestia had given her a district policy handbook to go over. While she didn’t think much of it at the time she distinctly remembered there being a lack of guidelines for dealing with the issue of student-on-student bullying.

Probably to avoid a lawsuit. Aria contemptibly thought to herself.

“I-I just don’t know what to do.” Derpy began sobbing as small tears formed in the corners of her eyes. “I’ve been lucky that has stepped in to help me all the previous times, but what happens if I’m all alone?”

There was more than just sadness in Derpy’s voice now, there was also fear; fear of the continued harassment, the fear of facing it alone, and, perhaps largest of all, the fear of being powerless.

Aria understood some of this fear, having felt it herself just after her and her sisters were banished to this world. She remembered the fear of feeling powerless without her magic and of possibly losing her sisters and being all alone. Most importantly though, she remembered how she overcame those fears, and worried about whether Derpy could handle going through what she had.

Aria didn’t know what to do. She wanted to help Derpy be brave and be able to stand up for herself, of course, but would she be able to do so without hurting her in the process? Regardless, she needed to make a choice, expeditiously.

“Okay, I’ll teach you to be brave like me, Derpy.” She eventually declared as she put her coffee cup down and placed both her hands on Derpy’s shoulders.

“R-Really?” Derpy asked as she stared at Aria with teary eyes and a small, hopeful smile.

“Yes, I promise.” Aria affirmed. “I’ll help you be brave so that those bullies never bother you again.”

Derpy pulled Aria in a sudden and unexpected hug, one that Aria instinctively returned.

“Oh thank you, Aria, thank you!” Derpy happily exclaimed.

Before Aria could respond, the bell for first period rang and Derpy quickly broke the hug.

“Oh my gosh, I need to get going.” She stated, in a somewhat panicked manner, as she headed for the door. “Um, can I come by at lunch for my first bravery lesson?”

“Sure.” Aria replied with a modest smile.

“Oh boy, I can’t wait to get started.” Derpy eagerly remarked as she left the room.

Once Derpy was gone, Aria’s smile faded and she leaned back against the table with the coffee maker on it.

“This isn’t going to be easy, Derpy.” She sternly remarked to the now empty room. “You’re going to have to go through some serious shit if you want to be brave. I just hope you’re up to the challenge.”


The bell rang for lunch period rang and Aria felt a bead of sweat trickle down her face as she awaited Derpy’s arrival. She’d done her best to prepare for helping Derpy become brave all morning and she felt she’d come up with something that would work, but she still had her doubts and fears about whether such methods were a good idea.

“You’re sure you want me to do this?” Adagio Dazzle, who was leaning against the right side of Aria’s desk, asked her sister.

“No.” Aria admitted as she wiped the sweat off her forehead with a handkerchief. “But whether I like it or not, the best way to help Derpy become brave is by putting her through the wringer, like you did with me.”

“Well, steel is forged through fire.” Adagio casually remarked.

Just then, the door to the office suddenly flew open.

“Hey, Aria! I’m ready for...” Derpy cheerfully exclaimed as she barged into the office, stopping mid-sentence when she noticed Adagio was in the room as well. “Oh, um, I didn’t know Adagio was here.”

Like many students at CHS, Derpy was a tad intimidated by Adagio. She didn’t have anything against the poofy-haired Dazzling, she just didn’t really trust her.

“Hey, Derpy.” Aria greeted back. “I asked Adagio to come here and help out with the lesson. Believe it or not, she was the one who taught me how to be brave.”

“Guilty as charged.” Adagio playfully, and somewhat egotistically, remarked.

Aria rolled her eyes at her sister’s boasting.

“Come have a seat and we can get started.” She informed Derpy.

“O-okay.” Derpy hesitantly replied as she took a seat in front of Aria’s desk.

As Derpy took her seat, Aria noticed the same intense expression on the walleyed girl’s face from before. It didn’t make her as uneasy as it had earlier though. She figured by now that it was just Derpy’s way of focusing better.

“Okay, so, the first thing you should know about being brave is that it’s not about being fearless, but about being able to face your fear.” She began. “And to do that, you need to understand your fear. So tell me, what is it that you fear, Derpy?”

Aria question had caught Derpy off guard. She knew how to answer it, of course, but she certainly wasn’t expecting it.

“Well, my fear is that I’ll be bullied.” She answered.

“No, it isn’t.” Aria declared. “Being bullied is just an incidental. I think what you fear lies within.”

Derpy’s focused expression quickly became one of bewilderment.

“Um, I don’t think I follow.” She confusingly stated.

“What I’m saying is that you’re not afraid that you’ll be bullied, you’re afraid that what the bullies will say is correct.” Aria clarified. “You’re afraid that the things they say about you are true, that you’re a freak and easy.”

Just then, Adagio moved from the side of the desk to the side of Derpy’s chair. She placed a hand on the girl’s head and bent over, getting right in Derpy’s face.

“I can’t attest to her being easy, but she’s definitely a freak.” She viciously commented.

Derpy’s eyes widened upon hearing Adagio’s words, feeling a mixture of wounded and confused. She turned her head to see Adagio staring at her with contempt and disgust in her eyes. Feeling very uncomfortable, she then turned her head back to Aria, silently pleading with the girl for help.

“Do you believe you’re a freak, Derpy?” Aria sternly asked.

“N-no.” Derpy modestly replied.

“Then tell that to Adagio.” She just as sternly instructed. “When someone insults you, you need to be strong in your convictions.”

As much as she didn’t want to, Derpy slowly turned her head back towards Adagio, who was still staring at her with contempt and disgust in her eyes.

“Um, I-I’m not a freak.” She told Adagio in a manner so timid and meek she could have easily been mistaken for Fluttershy.

Adagio just rolled her eyes as she let go of Derpy’s head and facepalmed in response.

“Seriously, that’s how you’re going to stand up to someone who insults you?!” She practically shouted right in Derpy’s face as the poor girl winced. “Honestly Aria, why are you wasting your time on this one? She’s pathetic, and she always will be.”

Derpy once again felt wounded by Adagio’s words and turned to Aria for help. However, all Aria did was nudge her head in the direction of Adagio, silently telling her to stand up for herself.

“I-I’m not pathetic.” She told Adagio, this time with a bit more confidence.

“Oh don’t kid yourself, sweetheart,” Adagio retorted. “I can tell that you’ve been pathetic your whole life, and that no amount of ‘bravery lessons’ from my sister is going to change anything.”

For the third time, Derpy turned to Aria for help. Only this time, Aria just closed her eyes and shock her head dejectedly.

Derpy knew what Aria was silently saying. She was saying that Adagio was right, that she was pathetic and always would be. For reasons unbeknownst to her, this pained Derpy at her very core. She felt like she’d let Aria down, and she hated that feeling.

“You want bullies to stop bothering you?” Adagio continued. “I suggest you find a big, strong guy to be your boyfriend and have him fight all your battles for you.”

“NO!” Derpy loudly declared, standing up from her seat so quickly and violently the chair fell over.

Both Aria’s and Adagio’s eyes went wide from shock at Derpy’s outburst. Adagio was so shocked she involuntarily took a step back from the enraged girl.

“NOW YOU LISTEN AND LISTEN GOOD, YOU WALKING CHEETO PUFF!” She shouted as she aggressively approached Adagio, forcing the startled Dazzling to back up against the wall. “I AM NOT A FREAK, I AM NOT PATHETIC, AND I DEFINITELY DON’T NEED A BIG, STRONG GUY TO DEFEND ME!”

At this point Derpy was square in Adagio’s face with fire and fury in her eyes.

“Aria, do something!” Adagio pleaded, believing Derpy might actually bring her physical harm.

“Derpy, just calm down.” Aria alarmingly instructed as she got up from her seat. “Adagio didn’t mean any of it. She just said all those things to get you to stand up for yourself.”

Derpy quickly turned to face Aria, still maintaining her fiery expression.

“She did the same thing to me when she helped me become brave. It’s called tough love.” The pig-tailed Dazzling continued explaining.

Derpy started to calm down a bit as she slowly backed away from Adagio and towards Aria.

“Y-you mean you planned this?” She asked, a twinge of pain in her voice.

“I’ll just…leave you both to it then.” Adagio quickly commented as she made a b-line for the door.

“Yes, and I’m sorry.” Aria solemnly apologized, ignoring the fact that Adagio had just left. “I wanted to help you become braver, but this was the only way I could think of to do it. I should’ve known it was a bad idea though.”

Aria couldn’t help but get emotional as she apologized to Derpy, much to her chagrin.

“Why am I so bad at this?” She rhetorically asked as she slumped back into her seat, staring at her desk. “First Trixie and now you, why can’t I just help people without hurting them? What the hell’s wrong with me?”

As much as Aria was trying to fight back tears, she felt a few run down her cheeks. All she wanted to do was help Derpy, but instead she’d just hurt her. She started to doubt if she was actually cut out to be a motivational speaker.

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, Aria.” Derpy spoke up in a comforting tone.

Aria picked her head up and looked at Derpy through tear-stained eyes.

“Oh come on, Derpy, after what I just put you through I clearly some kind of sadist when it comes to this job.” She despondently commented.

“Well, you could have warned me you’d be using tough love before we started.” Derpy conceded. “But in the end worked, didn’t it? I mean, I did stand up to Adagio.”

While she still felt guilty about what she’d done, Aria knew Derpy had a point. The tough love did work.

“Yeah you did,” She jovially agreed. “I don’t think I’m ever going to forget the look on her face when you yelled at her.”

The two girls shared a laugh as they recalled Adagio’s rather skittish reaction to Derpy’s outburst.

“How about next time we try and find a way that’s a little less…intense.” Aria suggested. “If you still want me to teach you to be brave that is.”

Without warning, Derpy rushed over to Aria and embraced her in friendly hug.

“Of course I still want you to teach me!” She joyfully exclaimed. “You’re still the best person I can think of to teach me how to be brave!”

Aria’s heart felt warm as she returned the hug.

“Thanks, Derpy.” She softly said.

Eventually the bell indicating the end of lunch rang, causing Aria and Derpy to break their hug.

“Oh geez, I gotta get going.” Derpy hastily said as she made her way towards the door. “See you later, Aria.”

Aria waved goodbye to Derpy as the affable girl left her office. Once alone, she began to think of other, more moderate ways she could help Derpy become brave.