It was too early in the morning.
Too early for Rainbow Dash to even be awake, much less braving the winter weather—she could even see her own breath as she grumbled, for pony’s sake!
But how could she call herself Rarity’s friend or partner if she wasn’t there to meet Rarity at the train station?
Rarity could’ve waited for the afternoon to come back, though.
Rainbow Dash sighed and shook the bitter thoughts away. She was just grumpy because she didn’t get enough sleep—again. But last night she wasn’t kept awake by the exciting prospect of meeting a new friend, but instead by the raging storm in her brain that twisted her stomach in knots and made her feel like she was going to vomit the entire night.
And y’know, the anxiety is something she could deal with. Sure, she felt like she wanted to throw u—no, she felt like she wanted to forcibly extract all of her internal organs and throw them into a meat shredder.
But anxiety fades, and it passes.
Shame remains.
Shame sticks with you; it claws at your brain as the library closes three hours after your panic attack ruined everyone’s night. It sticks with you as you’re sheepishly apologizing to the librarian while you’re heading out the door because you ‘just don’t know what’s wrong’ with you, even though you know exactly what’s wrong.
Shame sticks with you as you lie awake in bed, thinking about what you should have done, what you could have done if you weren’t such a coward. It sticks with you the whole night, nine hours, while you toss and turn and try to sleep, and even after you realize sleep isn’t happening.
Shame sticks with you as you trot to the train station in the bitter cold, and you want nothing more than to just crawl under your bed and decompose but you can’t break another promise, damn it!
Shame sticks with you because your panic attacks aren’t real. Because you’re just trying to ‘get attention’, or you’re ‘just a coward’, or a thousand other things people say because they don’t feel that violent storm inside, where you feel like tearing the flesh off your body like old paper because you just can’t stand to be.
It doesn’t matter.
Rainbow Dash tried to slap herself awake, taking a too-big sip of her black coffee and nearly choking, the idle thought that maybe she deserved to choke to death on her coffee and boy that’d show them rushing through her head and disappearing just as fast as it came when Rainbow chastised herself and clicked her tongue, wondering who ‘them’ was even supposed to be.
She was nearly at the train station. Rarity was sure to have a whole bunch of cool stories to share about her timberwolf mission, and Rainbow was sure that some light teasing would make her feel better.
Rainbow’d whine about how she wished she’d been there, only for Rarity to assure her that Rainbow would’ve ‘only slowed me down, darling,’ then Rainbow of course would joke that Rarity couldn’t get any slower.
Rainbow chuckled to herself at the little scene she was putting together in her head as she finally reached the train station, and she already started to feel a little bit like herself again.
Only for the violent storm to return in full force when her eyes locked onto the muscular orange mare standing by the train platform, her arms crossed as she patiently waited for the train to arrive.
Rainbow’s first instinct was to wonder what Applejack was doing there, but before she even formed that sentence in her mind she remembered that Pinkie Pie was riding the train with Rarity, and of course Pinkie’s best friend and partner would be there to meet her at the station.
If Rainbow had been lucid enough to remember that when she was still in bed, she might not have gotten up; made some excuse about her ‘injuries’ or whatever to tell Rarity about why she couldn’t—
Ugh, no. That’s awful, Rainbow thought with a groan.
The sound of Rainbow’s frustration was just loud enough to catch Applejack’s attention, which wouldn’t have been so bad if Rainbow hadn’t been staring right at her as she turned, locking eyes with Applejack as she looked over.
Rainbow blinked, eyes wide like a jackolope with an axe bearing down on its head. Applejack’s eyes only narrowed; her frown deepening as she turned away from Rainbow and back to the train tracks.
If Rainbow had been serious about leaving the train station, it didn’t matter now. Her window was closed. There was no way she could just walk home after Applejack had seen her.
Or could she?
No, NO. She absolutely couldn’t.
With a deep breath, Rainbow walked slowly over to Applejack, hands in her pockets as she took a spot in the nearly empty train station next to Applejack, Rainbow’s wings fidgeting behind her as she tried to think of something to say.
“Um,” Rainbow smoothly said, flinching at the sharp inhale that Applejack made in return. “I didn’t—” just saying ‘sorry I didn’t show up yesterday’ should have been enough to smooth things over, so why was that so HARD?
“I had a thing to take care of last night,” Rainbow cleared her throat, “that’s why I didn’t show up. Uh, so, yeah. That’s why.”
Applejack didn’t have to know that ‘thing’ was a panic attack. Nopony but Twilight and Spike needed to know that.
“It’s fine,” Applejack didn’t bother to look at Rainbow as she replied, and while reading a room was not Rainbow’s strong suit by any means, even she could tell that it definitely was not fine.
Any weak excuses Rainbow thought to mutter were drowned out by the whistle of the oncoming train, and Rainbow bit her lip hard enough to draw blood to distract herself from the thought of jumping in front of it that intruded in her mind without warning or welcome.
“Are you bleedin’?”
Rainbow’s eyes darted up at Applejack, wide as saucers. The last thing she expected was for her to suddenly be talking to her, and about that of all things.
“Uh, I bit my lip,” Rainbow said, “just now. Accident. No big deal.”
“Hard enough to draw blood?” Applejack’s tone sounded somewhere between incredulous and concerned, and Rainbow couldn’t tell which it was.
“It happens sometimes,” Rainbow moved her arm to wipe the blood off but was stopped by Applejack lightly grabbing her wrist, causing Rainbow’s cheeks to suddenly feel like they were pressed against a glass fireplace.
“Don’t do that,” Applejack said teasingly. “Here,” she pulled out a white cloth from a satchel on her belt, and used it to wipe the blood off Rainbow’s lip, which only increased the burning in Rainbow’s cheeks, but she didn’t mind at all.
“I’m sorry I missed you last night,” Rainbow said, the words nearly forcing them out Rainbow’s throat like a mutinying crew. “I—” Rainbow groaned and shook her head, taking a step back once Applejack was done cleaning her lip. “I don’t have any excuses.”
“Thank you for apologizin’,” Applejack’s smile made Rainbow feel like at least thirty pounds had fallen off her shoulders, and she could actually breathe again.
“Don’t sweat it,” Rainbow shrugged and took her place next to Applejack again, a wide grin propping up her bright red cheeks.
Anxiety still crept around in her stomach, but that was fine. Anxiety would fade, but her joy at seeing Applejack’s smile would remain.