//------------------------------// // Although we can Never Truly Escape our own Thoughts // Story: TiM: Gone, not Forgotten // by Twidashforever //------------------------------// The Frozen North Radiant stood guard, his coat pulled as tightly as he could get it to his frame. Dayspring hadn’t lied about the cold, if anything he’d undersold it. The air at the top of the peak was easily below zero, never mind the wind chill. To make matters worse the snow they had landed in came up to Radiant’s neck. He chuckled a little at the memory of Nightshade jumping from his back and disappearing into the snowbank. When they asked her why she had done it her response was that anything had to be warmer than where she was. That had given Dayspring an idea. The unicorn built a snow igloo and froze it for the group to stay in. While it did wonders to keep them warmer, that didn’t change the fact that somepony still had to keep a lookout. The north was a dangerous place at the best of times. The death of Shining Armor, Radiant Star’s father, had taught them that lesson. It wasn’t one that Radiant would ever forget. The group had told stories, roughhoused a little, and even played a round of practical jokes on one another for most of the afternoon. They had to, there was nothing else to do. The snow was too packed and their destination too far to make it there before nightfall. Given, Radiant didn’t quite believe Dayspring’s ‘two teleport rule’. Part of him suspected that Dayspring was using that as an excuse to spend more time with him. Radiant looked back at where Dayspring and Nightshade were cuddled together sleeping. The little filly was locked tight in his embrace, curled up next to a warmth spell that Dayspring, somehow, kept going in spite of being asleep. Radiant was to switch off with Dayspring around two in the morning, or when the star flashed twice as he had put it. Seconds became minutes, which turned to hours. The silence, the cold, and the darkness all weighed heavily. Radiant found himself stealing glances back into the igloo to spy on the two. Viewing Dayspring in such a content state, the evidence of his way of thinking undeniable, it caused his words to weigh on Radiant much heavier than they did before. The unicorn sighed as he watched his friend and niece together. They looked, in a word, cute. But that cuteness didn’t quite remove the anger Radiant had felt almost all day. He had told Dayspring that he was done with the pity party, that he’d moved on, and yet Dayspring had—over and over again—refused to drop it. “Why do you never believe me?” He said to nopony in particular. Maybe because he’s smarter than you. “He’s smarter, not wiser,” Radiant replied to his thoughts as he turned and looked back at the night’s snowfall. You should leave the thinking to smarter ponies. That’s what she told you. “Doesn’t that mean you should shut up?” Touché. Radiant smiled at that, until he realized that the argument he just ‘won’ was with himself. He sighed loudly as the seconds ticked by. Despite the ‘victory’ he’d claimed over his thoughts, they begun to return. Thoughts of the last two days, the conversations with Dayspring, and, finally, as if they were simply inevitable, thoughts of Firestar. He thought of her playing in the snow, of her running around the track, and of her nuzzling up to him in his dreams last night. As the time passed by, as the thoughts raced through his head, they were only stopped when he felt a stinging on his cheek. Radiant reached a hoof up and wiped away a frozen tear. “I’m… I’m crying again? Why? I said I was done. I ended the pity party…” He looked around in disbelief at himself before a random thought caused him to peer back at Dayspring. “Damn you. You were right, again.” She told you. “Fine, she was right again.” That knowledge made him angry. He moved away from the igloo, far enough where sound would not carry through to the two sleeping ponies. “Why, why, why, why, why, why!” His yell was lost in the snow. “This is my life isn’t it‽ I’m just this existence! I cannot… I won’t… I refuse to let go! And because I can’t, I can’t live!” You know that didn’t make any sense right? “Shut up, just shut up and let me think!” Again, no sense. He moved further way, continuing to use his magic to force the snow out of his way. “Just shut the buck up.” Once he felt he was far enough away Radiant raised his head to the sky and screamed, “I bucking hate you! I hate you so much!” His voice carried less than ten yards before it was lost in the snow. “I hate you!” He yelled again. Who? “Everyone!” Radiant yelled again. “And myself!” That unintentional admission stole the strength from him. Radiant lowered his head. “Mostly myself…” The last part wasn’t a yell. The effect of the cold on his body sapping his strength. “I hate myself.” You do, don’t you? “With every fiber of my being. I hate me more than anything else. So should everyone else.” “I don’t hate you.” Her words arrived at the same time as her smell. Radiant quickly spun around in the snow. His eyes locking onto a tan pegasus sitting five yards away from him. It was both a source of great joy and great sadness to lay eyes on her again. “Why don’t you hate me?” “Why should I?” “Because I wasn’t there, I didn’t save you.” “Do you think you could have?” “I’d have done anything to prevent it.” “Radiant, in the off chance you had been in the Empire on that day. There was no way you’d have prevented what occurred. That creature’s suggestion in Cadance was almost absolute. She’d have distracted you with some mundane task, or waited until you were on the other side of the castle. And, even if that wasn’t the case, even if you had, somehow, arrived during the attack. You’d have killed Cadance in my defence. You’d have killed your own mother, forever staining your hooves with the blood of someone that wasn’t responsible for her own actions. I for one am grateful that you weren’t there.” “Still…” Radiant knew he sounded like a petulant foal but he didn’t care. “I still hate myself for it. I should have been there, or you should have come with me that day.” “We both know that it couldn’t have happened any other way.” “Then, if that’s the only way it could’ve gone down, you’d have been better off never knowing me, you’d have been better off with another life.” “I’d never have wanted any other life.” “You’d still be alive if you did.” Firestar smiled, it was that same damn smile that made him truly believe that everything would be alright. That the world wasn’t a horrible place that did the worst things to good ponies. “But just think of the life I’d have missed. Would you have deprived me of that?” “For you to be alive, yes,” Radiant admitted as he wiped a frozen tear from his eyes. “It’d have been a life poorly lived,” Firestar said. “One lacking in joy and happiness.” Radiant lowered his head as she came closer. He could feel her warmth, her touch upon his fur. “Now stop hating yourself.” “I tried,” he admitted as he sank his head into her fur. “No, you took the first step. You admitted there was a problem and then, not unexpectedly, immediately decided that admitting it somehow fixed it and that it wasn’t a problem anymore. It’s not that easy and you know it.” “You sound like Dayspring,” Radiant said. “From the stories you used to tell me about him, he sounds like a smart pony,” Firestar replied. “Not half as smart as you.” “So still two times smarter than you?” “Probably,” Radiant said, chuckling. Radiant felt her wing wrap around him. “I’m so sorry, you’re hurting so much.” “It’s… it’s so painful.” “I know,” Firestar replied as she nuzzled deeper into his fur. “Firestar… I… I don’t know if I can do it anymore.” “Do what?” Firestar asked as she rubbed the back of his head. “Pretend that everything is okay,” Radiant replied as he started crying into her fur. “Keep up this…” Dayspring’s words came back to him, “act.” “Who’s asking you to?” Radiant pulled away enough to look her in the eye, “You… I thought.” “My idiot,” Firestar said with tears falling from her eyes as she stared directly into her lost love’s crying face. “I only asked you to live your life, to be there for our sons. I never asked you to pretend that you were something you’re not.” “But I haven’t?” “Yes you have, you’ve been pretending to be okay.” Radiant lowered his muzzle as the tears started to pour from his eyes, Firestar increased her grip holding him tighter against her. “It’s okay to not be okay. It’s fine to feel sad, to feel hopeless, and to ask for help. You’re not alone, and you don’t have to pretend to be. Nor do you have to carry such heavy burdens by yourself, or even at all.” She continued, “You’re a great ruler, Radiant. You’ve cared for your ponies and did right by them. You’re a wonderful father and shepherd our foals to be the stallions I’ve always known they could be. They’re both happy, content, and know love. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for them. You’re an admirable father, a caring, kind, generous husband. You made me happier than I could ever say. Laying in bed with you, talking with you, going on walks, spending our life together, even thought it was cut short, it was truly the most exquisite part of my existence.” Her tears started to fall on his head as she finished, “You’ve always questioned how I could love you, how I could fall for someone like you. How you were somehow worthy of me. But you’ve never seen the truth, not really. It was I that couldn’t believe why you’d love someone like me. How I was somehow worthy of this wonderful, dashing, loving, caring, kind, generous, talented, and gifted stallion who just so happened to carry the title of ‘Prince of Equestria’.” Radiant broke down into a full crying fit, to the stallion it felt like his heart was trying to leave through his mouth. He could barely breathe through the tears. Firestar simply held him tightly, like she used to hold Flash when Vela used to pick on him. She knew, as a mother and a wife, that this pain he felt, it was something that needed to happen, it wasn’t something she could, or even wanted to prevent. So she let him cry, cooing softly as he did so. In time—the exact amount of which was lost on both ponies—the tears stopped. Radiant didn’t look up. He took a moment to simply enjoy the feeling of being held by her. At a different time, he might have noticed that he felt warm, in spite of the cold, but at this time, at this moment that was the last thing on his mind. “Thank you,” Radiant managed to get out despite his dry throat. Firestar chuckled a little, “You don’t have to thank me for anything, you never have, and you never will.” “Nightshade might disagree,” Radiant replied with a chuckle. “Nightshade’s an interesting filly who has her own part to play.” At that Radiant did look up. “A part to play in what?” There was almost a defiant tone in his words that surprised them both. Firestar wiped some of the drying tears from his face. “Radiant, the story goes on, forever. Old ponies pass on, young ponies take their place. It’s the cycle of existence. All foals have their own stories to act in, they shepherd the future. It’s the job of the current generation to prepare them for it, not to try and save them from it.” He laid his muzzle back on her fur. “You’ve learned a lot about all of this in our time apart.” Firestar chuckled, “Eros has been keeping me company. We talk a lot.” “Why does she talk to you? What do you even talk about?” “She told me about how love, all kinds of love connects ponies to one another. About the bonds that are created in life. The ones that format birth between a mother and a foal, between siblings, between friends, and the strongest, between lovers. She said that such bonds transcend life and death, that they can even pass through the metaphysical. That they’re strong enough to even bypass Taz’s Null power.” Radiant nodded at that. He remembered several stories from his youth, Twilight had encountered and said something similar. “Well, if she’s to be believed, ours is rather… stronger than most ponies. Something about you either being indirectly related to her or the fact that we spent so long directly above her Occulous. She says she spends so much time with me because she wants to study it, to learn how it might be duplicated for others. And she says it’s that very connection that causes my paradise to be slightly different, that causes me to remember you even though I shouldn’t until you pass on. But between you and me,” Firestar lowered her voice and whispered the next part as softly as she could, “I think… I think she feels a little guilty for what happened. For not being able to stop it.” “She should.” “Radiant Star.” Radiant pulled back slightly, not out of her grip but enough to signify that he knew he had just bucked up. That was Firestar’s ‘cut that shit out’ tone of voice, one he knew all too well. Firestar continued, “You know damn well it wasn’t her fault. Stop trying to assign blame to anypony other than the one truly responsible.” “I got back at him already,” Radiant all but mumbled. “So why are you still trying to blame others?” “Because it changed nothing!” Radiant admitted as he started to cry again. “I got revenge, I made him pay, I cut bucking Tartarus itself in half and yet… yet it didn’t matter. You’re still gone, mom’s still gone, and I’m still here. I’m stuck here, alone, without you.” Firestar kissed him, forcing his muzzle up and the look of doubt on his face to turn into surprise. She held him in that state for several moments, at that moment the moonlight broke through the snowstorm and shone brightly on the two. When she broke it off she said, “My idiot. You’re not alone, you’ve never been alone. You’ve suffered alone because you chose to, because you believed that vengeance is all you needed. Vengeance that solved nothing, that fixed nothing.” “I’m glad he’s dead,” Radiant replied, almost definitely. “You’re not the only one. He had to die, that goes without saying. But his death wasn’t what you needed. It will never heal you, it will never fill that hole in your heart. You know this, don’t you?” Radiant could only nodded. “You need to forgive, you need to find it in you to forgive everyone for what happened. It’s not Eros’s fault for failing to stop it, it’s not Twilight's fault for not arriving in time, it’s not Rainbow’s fault either,” at her words Radiant looked up in surprise. He’d only blamed those two in his darkest moments, and that hadn’t been for years now, “And, most importantly, it’s not your fault either. Forgive the gods, the ponies, and the world for its faults Radiant, but most importantly, forgive yourself. No one, not god, pony, griffin, dragon, or yourself is perfect.” “I… I don’t know if I can.” “Why do I love you?” “Huh?” “Don’t tell me you forgot already?” Firestar asked as she played at being hurt by his words. “Because I always try,” Radiant said. “And that’s all I can ask for. Hate’s a poison you choose to drink, Radiant. Forgiveness is the only antidote.” “You’ve been spying on me, huh?” “Of course,” Firestar replied chuckling. Radiant chuckled in turn. “I must seem so pathetic now.” “Do you really think I’d ever laugh at your pain?” “Well, there was that time I broke my leg, or the time I fell down the stairs, or that time I pulled my back in training, or that time I was doing the sword trick for Flash an—” “Your MENTAL pain, not when you’re being an idiot. I’ll always find that funny.” “No wonder I could always make you laugh.” “It was the best part of being married to you.” “The best?” “Well… top five. Or at least in the top ten.” “That’s the mare I remember,” Radiant replied with a chuckle. “Still had doubts?” “It’s been a decade.” “Ponies change, but the bonds we share will never break. Not even death will do that.” “I love you,” Radiant replied. “I love you too, idiot.” Radiant squeezed her tightly as he noticed, finally, that the snow had stopped falling. The land itself seemed to be perfectly silent, simply letting the two have their moment together. It was then that he started to think of their mission, and some other things. “Does… does this mean I fell asleep on watch?” Firestar chuckled at that. “No, I think you’re still very much awake.” “Then what is this? I mean I’m not complaining, but…” “The pull here, it’s getting stronger. It feels like whatever force split me, it’s becoming more powerful on this side. I think… I think that our connection is getting in the way. I think that’s how I was able to visit you and Nightshade in your dreams. And now, in your waking dreams as well.” “So this is like a hallucination or something?” “Or something,” Firestar replied, chuckling. “Didn’t I teach you not to question a good thing?” “You mean like on our fifth anniversary?” Radiant said with a sly grin. “Exactly,” Firestar replied as she bopped him on the nose. “Why didn’t we do that more often?” Radiant asked. “Because then it wouldn’t have been as special.” “Every second with you was special.” “Ahh, when did you become such a softy?” Firestar teased. “Old age, it tends to focus the mind, to make you realize what really matters.” “You’re getting smarter, old stallion.” “As long as I’m yours, you can call me whatever you want.” “You’ll always be mine,” Firstar said as she snuck another kiss. “We’re getting closer to our goal, aren’t we?” Radiant asked as they pulled away. “Yes, you’ll be there tomorrow.” “Any idea of what we’ll find?” “No clue. Whatever part of me is being pulled there, my conscious is going to you.” “Let me ask, are you the reason for my… change?” “No, well… not directly.” “Huh?” “It’s complex. Eros doesn’t even fully understand it. She said it has to do with what you’ll find when you get there. I’m sorry, I cannot tell you more because I don’t know more. I know it has to do with what’s happening to me and with our connection, that’s it.” “You know, for being a god she’s criminally unhelpful.” “I told you they’re not perfect. They may be beings of phenomenal power, but that doesn’t mean they don’t make mistakes, or that they’re not prone to error. How could they be? Anything produced by something perfect would by definition be perfect. If we’re not perfect, how could they be perfect?” “Eros tell you that?” “Yep.” Radiant rolled his eyes, his idea of what a god should be and the reality definitely were not matching up. But he couldn’t really argue either. However, that lead to another question. “I can’t even imagine what that’s like. Do you two just meet for tea each day? What’s it like having such regular conversations with a god?” “Not as great as you might think.” “Really?” Radiant asked in disbelief. “I sometimes think they’re more flawed then we are,” Firestar said. “Eros frets a lot about what’s going on. About the past and the future. She talks a lot about Tartarus too. Personally I think she uses our time to vent a little about him.” At that Radiant’s mood soured a little, “She’s supposed to be keeping him in check.” “Oh she is. But you know how it is between lovers. Everyone has their moments, their little… what was the world she used, eccentricities that are cute at first but then gets more and more annoying as time goes on.” “You mean like how I’d always hum the same song after sex?” “Exactly,” Firestar said, half glaring at him. “It hasn’t been so bad. I’ve learned quite a few techniques that I cannot wait to try on you. Even if I do know more about Tartarus’s lovemaking skills than any mortal pony has ever known in all of existence.” “Not from personal experience I hope.” “Jealous?” Firestar asked as she started to slowly get Radiant to his hooves and start walking him back to the tent. “You’re damn right I’d be jealous.” “Relax, no I’d never. Not with him anyway.” “What about Eros?” The deep red blush on Firestar’s face was hard to miss. “Well…” “Firestar! You little minx!” “Hey, I’m dead, doesn’t count.” Radiant started to laugh at that. “I guess I can’t really blame you. I mean if the God of Love wants to give you some personal lessons, I doubt there’s too many ponies who could say no.” “You know it wouldn’t kill you to get a little something-something too.” “I don’t know…” Radiant said. “Radiant, how long has it been, ten years? It’s okay to find some happiness, just so long as it’s for fun. Your heart still belongs to me. Just like mine belongs to you. Always and forever.” “My wife’s telling me to go get laid, I must be dreaming,” Radiant replied with a chuckle as the pair came to a stop. “I’m telling you to find some forgiveness, and some happiness in your life, happiness that my memory alone can’t give you. Do that for me, okay?” “I… I’ll try.” “That’s all I can ask.” “Is it my turn to take watch?” Radiant turned his head and looked into the igloo, surprised to see Dayspring starting to stir. As the pony yawned and made to get up without waking Nightshade, Radiant turned back to see if Firestar was still there, but she was nowhere to be seen. He looked down, hoping there was at least some tracks of her leftover; there was nothing from her, just his own. “Yeah, It’s your turn.”