//------------------------------// // Where am I now? [REWRITTEN] // Story: Comedic Burst of Funniness // by Lunatic God //------------------------------// Princess Cadence stood still, the speeding cold wind of the Crystal Tundra whipping around her, her scarf flapping in the wind.  She heard something. Something powerful, something... otherworldly. A huge boom, sounding worryingly close. The townsfolk had been spreading rumors about a monster roaming just outside the border. It would've been nothing to worry about, if a pony had not decided to greet it, resulting in nearly fatal burn wounds, our top doctors barely able to heal the damage.  Witness - 'The huge hulking monster had taken out some- some weapon that shot LASERS of- of fire, b-but it wasn't fire, it- it was something different, something more painful, something that seemed like it was made for- for killing and death and destruction! It had said something before- Enemy Spotted. It said in such a- a scary voice, I-' Questioner - 'What did it sound like?' Witness - 'It- it sounded like Nightmare Moon, b-but a hundred times scarier and in such a professional tone, like- like it was made for killing. Let me tell ya, it was SCARY!' Cadence remembered reading the report, getting more and more concerned by the second. What was it? How dangerous? Is it an alien? Is it-- Crunch Her head snapped to the left, barely hearing the noise over the wind. Whatever it was, it was big, and-- Crunch --heading her way.  She crouched into a defensive stance, turning her whole body to face the incoming creature, horn glowing, incapacitation spell at the ready.  ... Nothing. Only the wind. Her horn glowed dimmer, but ready nonetheless. She stared into the white abyss for a while, awaiting anymore movement from whatever way out there.  With a confused look on her face, she canceled the spell, standing back up.  Suddenly, her neck was yanked backward, a burning sensation on the very edge of the fur on her neck. She looked down, not moving her head, barely seeing the edge of what seemed like a flat orange blade of light.  She attempted teleportation, but as soon as her horn glowed, five digits grasped her horn, causing a constant tingling sensation as her magic suddenly disappeared.  Out of options, she wanted to at least get to know who managed to hold her in such a vulnerable position.  "Who are y--" She was stopped as the burning sensation felt closer to her neck. A deep, mechanical voice quietly spoke into her ear. "No speaking." Fear spread through her body. No movement, no magic, and no talking. 'Celestia... Help me...' 2 Days Later... Cadence had fallen asleep however long ago it had been. She was confused on why a bag was on her head, 'Why is this bag still on my head? Any kidnapper would've taken it off long ago.' As if on cue, the bag was finally lifted off of her head, momentarily blinding her with the change in light. Instead of waking up in a dark basement, as she had expected, she woke up... Back in her room? She was confused, but the confusion melted away as she noticed the form of Flurry Heart sitting on the floor, staring up at her. "Flurry?" Cadence asked, happy that she was safe. But Flurry sat there. unmoving. "Flurry Heart? Are you okay?" Cadence asked, getting more concerned by the second. The response to her question was not of Flurry Heart. It filled her heart with dread.  "Flurry Heart... What an interesting name..." The mechanical voice commented as the illusion melted away. Cadence's face was covered in fear for a second but was replaced with anger. "Don't you dare touch Flurry Heart!" She yelled at the monster, wherever it was. She then just noticed that it was completely dark. "She is none of my concern," It said as it took a step into her vision, walking through the wall of darkness that surrounded her. What she saw made her even more afraid for her life, along with her crystal ponies life. It was an 8-foot metal biped, many different objects on it's back, or at least from what she could see. It was completely brown, apart from dark lines at the pivot points of the armor, and the head having a visor covering most of the middle of the helmet, colored the same as his blades. They stayed silent, studying each other. "What are you?" Cadence asked. "Classified," It answered, unmoving. Its arms were behind it's back, doing who knows what. It straightened it's left arm to the floor, the flame-colored blade slowly emerging from the top of... whatever you call it. It was about half its length, stopping at four feet. She merely stared at the pulsing blade, fear showing in her eyes. The behemoth slowly took a step towards her, covering the distance between them in a second. It stopped, staring into her eyes, Cadence doing the same. The blade rose to point straight out, stopping as Cadance turned to look at it once again, eyes widening. "W-Wait, what are you doing?" Cadence stuttered as it turned the blade flat and slowly moved it towards her head. She whimpered as she shut her eyes, hanging her head, awaiting impending doom. But it never came. Instead, she heard the telltale noise of a blade cutting through flesh and bone, but not hers. The noise was followed by a scream of pain before it was silenced by another slash and a sickening pop. She could feel a spray of unknown liquid covering her front. She dared not open her eyes, lest she confirms her greatest fear. *Thud, thud, thud* *Swish* *Thump* Before she could recover from gravity suddenly claiming her, she was grabbed roughly by two objects similar to the first creature's. She risked opening her eyes, hoping whatever was on the other side would be another pony come to save her. Instead, she was staring directly into a large red eye, placed atop the round side of a white semicircular head. “Let’s Rock!” The deep robotic-sounding creature declared, dropping her and whipping around to face behind him. Immediately after, two more brown creatures emerged in the darkness on either side of the robot, wielding strange devices, which she assumed were weapons. What happened next would be forever burned into her memory. Time seemed to slow as the robot charged at the creature on the left, spinning to dodge a projectile that emitted from the weapon at sonic speed, if the loud, but slowed, bang was any indication. Before the brown creature could get another shot off, The robot used the momentum from his spin to insert a red energy blade through the creature's neck, causing it to pop in a shower of horrific gore. The second brown creature took this opportunity to fire off a shot towards the white robot. In response, the robot quickly reached an arm around the torso of the dead one, whipping it around to use the corpse as a meat shield as he regained his footing. Time sped back up. The last remaining brown creature poured shot after shot into the slowly advancing body, sending spray after spray of blood and body parts as the body jerked with each impact. By the time the robot reached the second creature, the corpse was merely a mangled torso, which was quickly thrust at the brown creature, knocking both the body and his weapon to the side. Keeping up the pace, the creature quickly recovered and swung at the robot. The robot easily ducked the swing and grabbed his arm, and pulled them together, as if hugging.  “Now you see me-” The creature panicked, wild punches and kicks bouncing off the robots armor plating, before all movement suddenly stopped with a shout of extreme pain. The second creature went limp. “-Now you’re dead!” The robot dumped the body, revealing a red blade as it slid out of the corpse’s torso. The robot quickly extended his right arm out towards the dropped weapon. Both the creature’s hand and the weapon’s handle began sparking large blue sparks. The weapon was quickly levitated into the robot’s hand, ending the sparks as the red blades were retracted and its left hand was placed under what looked like the grip under the barrel. Yes, she studied the Griffon’s flintlocks, what of it? Suddenly, a muffled boom shook the cave they were in, removing the black box of her vision as she was knocked back down from the sitting position she had managed to rise into during that battle. “Now I’m really pissed off!” The robot strode over, wrapping its left arm under and around her midsection, easily lifting her. It quickly darted into the hallway that was barely big enough for the both of them, traveling extremely fast despite carrying her. Soon, they emerged into a gargantuan cavern, but the robot didn’t stop, despite the army of brown soldiers, all wielding various weapons, as well as multiple huge bipedal walkers, armed with single barrel cannons that she had only seen on historical Griffon warships. The robot merely charged through the front lines, dodging bullets - and what seemed like blue beams of magic - and protecting her from swinging blades all the while. She flattened her ears against her skull as tight as she could in vain attempt to block out all the bangs, explosions, and mixed wails of agony as the robot continued pushing through the waning forces of whoever he was fighting against. Eventually, a fist knocked her head, knocking her out. “I’m not gonna fight you, I'm gonna kick your ass!” She awoke to this line, which was quickly followed by the sound of a fast-moving projectile hitting metal, before a dying array of beeps that lowered in volume signified its quick and unexpected death. “Princess.” An unknown voice spoke. She felt inclined to answer but kept her mouth shut as she heard thumps approaching her still body. It definitely wasn’t a guard. “Princess?” The voice repeated questioningly, poking her side with the flat end of what she assumed was a barrel. She then heard the telltale sounds of a defibrillator charging, followed by him yelling “Clear!” She quickly rolled to the side, dodging the heart reviving device, opening her eyes to see who had saved her. Lo and behold, it was a creature similar in build to the brown creatures, although noticeably beefier, except his colors consisted of white armor with a sickly green visor, which stared directly at her. A light on the white flintlock shaped, double-barrelled device flashed red, which she took as an oddly shaped defibrillator if the red cross was any indication. The creature quickly put away the device, standing at attention, like a true soldier. “Stand… down?” She tried. The creature obeyed, his figure visibly relaxing as she stood. “PTS, ma’am?” He asked. She looked at him in confusion. He continued before she asked the obvious question. “Permission to speak, ma’am.” He explained. “Uh… sure, I guess.” She granted, rising to a standing position. “Correction Nine, Codename Marine, Special Ops soldier, Ma’am.” He informed her, confirming her suspicions about him. “So, what’re doing here?” She asked. “Trapped here due to unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances, Ma’am.” He answered. “Okay… are you alone?” She inquired, hoping he was the only one. “Two allied units, unknown number of Civil Security, Usurpation Forces, last known number over invasion numbers.” She did a double-take as he said invasion. “Wait, invasion?!” She yelled. “You’re being invaded.” He confirmed. “Where are your friends?” She quickly asked, trotting over to the figure who currently held his hands behind his back. “Unknown last locations, ma’am.” He said, quieter due to her proximity. “Find them!” She yelled. “Yes, ma’am!” He shouted, before he backtracked two steps, and slammed a cylindrical object onto the ground. It exploded, sending him flying as she recoiled in surprise. She quickly looked up to catch a peek of the creature but was only met with a speeding white blur wildly flailing his green blades through the air. Shaking her head, she did a 180 and charged towards her castle, intent on warning Princess Celestia via letter.