//------------------------------// // Dragon Dropped // Story: A Dream // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// “I mean, why does Spike even need to go to the post office?  He sends mail by breathing!” “Rarity, I’m only going to say this once: if you ever use my couch for fainting again, I’m going to kick your ass.” She looked at me from under the foreleg she’d dramatically thrown over her face.  “I thought it was Twilight’s couch. It’s her castle, after all.” “The less said about Twilight right now, the better.  I need you to get up.” She did, but said, “I want to stay here until Spike comes back.  And what’s this about Twilight?” I’d finally managed to unintentionally neg Twilight so hard that she actually came back around to liking me.  I didn’t even know that was possible, but with Sparkles the Wonder Horse, too much magic was never enough. I said, “It’s complicated.  Leave.” I had a lot to do today and it would only be more difficult if Rarity found out that Twilight was physically affectionate with me. But it was too late.  Apparently hearing our conversation, Twilight came into the front room.  “Hello Rarity.” Twilight stopped beside me, just barely brushing my side.  I took half a step away from her. She leaned in, until her head touched my own, and then moved just enough for me to feel her rubbing her cheek on mine. Rarity looked back and forth between us, at Twilight’s content expression and my annoyed one.  “...Complicated. I see.” “What’s complicated?” Twilight asked. Her touching me was causing a weird feeling deep inside me.  I wasn’t sure what it was. Hate? Embarrassment? Something else? “Nothing,” I said.  “Rarity was just leaving.” “Oh good.  I was looking forward to more time with you to myself.” Rarity had finally had enough.  “Twilight! He is a married pony!” “No I’m not,” I protested, though even as I said it I realized that maybe it could be leverage against Twilight. It didn’t matter.  “He obviously is a victim of a paperwork error,” said Twilight.  “He’s made it quite clear in the past.” Shit, she’d actually listened to me where Celestia hadn’t? “As a Princess, I can pull a few strings and get it fixed,” Twilight went on. My gratitude at getting the wacky wedding wiped away was balanced by the fact that she was clearly doing it because she wanted me for herself and I really was not prepared for that tradeoff. Maybe it was because of my pleading look that Rarity said, “I actually did need Valiant for something today.”  “Yes,” I said immediately.  “And we musn’t delay.” I quickly walked out from under Twilight’s smothering cuddles and hustled out the door with Rarity. “I can’t figure out what’s gotten into her,” I said as soon as we were out of earshot. “It is rather strange,” Rarity agreed. “Now about what I had planned-” Damnit, she actually did want me for something.  I let out a groan, but had to admit I hadn’t even heard what she wanted yet and I would still rather do it than be stuck with Twilight right now. I followed her to the post office.  As she told me on the way, apparently Spike had stopped paying attention to her. “But why are we going to the post office?  He sends mail by breathing.” “That is the question, isn’t it?” Upon arriving, I stopped dead in my tracks.  It was Gabby Griffon. “Oh, I didn't realize griffons worked at the Ponyville Post Office,” said Rarity, not noticing the expression on my face. Gabby laughed.  “No, I don’t work here exactly.  I’m the official mail carrier of Griffonstone.  Nice to meet ya!” She shook Rarity’s hoof.  I was still standing there staring as they talked.  It would have been culturally inappropriate to scream Why are you not dead!? and doing so would have made a scene.  Still, seeing Gabby again was really trying my self control.  Though, if I’d internalized Discord and Starlight, I could handle Gabby. Still, it was all I could do not to meet her face with my hoof when she noticed me and dashed over to say hello. I disentangled myself from her greeting as quickly as possible.  Rarity fortunately rejoined the conversation. “We were looking for Spike.” “Oh!” said Gabby.  “Spike was just here.  He went to go get us-” Spike returned just then with two ice cream cones and Rarity lit him up.  “Is something wrong? You always go to the gem cave with me. Is the post office really so important that you could not make time for me?” “Sorry Rarity, but I had other plans.” “With me!” Gabby jumped in. Rarity blinked.  “I don’t understand. You two know each other?” “Gabby and I are sort of pen pals,” Spike explained. “Yeah!” Gabby agreed.   “There was this whole thing where I pretended to get a cutie mark because griffons don’t get cutie marks, so Princess Twilight had Spike send a bunch of letters off to Griffonstone about the first griffon ever to get a cutie mark!  Which I didn't really have.” Spike nodded.  “Gabby wrote back explaining things, and after that we just started writing back and forth.” “Turns out we have a lot in common!  We both come from cultures that don’t have the friendliest of reputations.” “And we’re both in the message-sending business!” Spike handed Gabby one of the ice cream cones and they each chomped them down. “Well, I better get going,” said Gabby. “I’ll fly with you,” Spike offered. “Well, all right,” said Rarity.  “I’m sure Spike and I can do something some other-” They were already gone. Rarity hrmf’d.  “I need to find some way of regaining Spike’s attention.” “Rarity, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you got friendzoned.” Her jaw dropped open.  “N-no, that’s impossible!  Nopony friendzones me!” I put my hoof on her shoulder.  “Take a breath. Just think about it.  That’s basically all you were doing to him.  His little barely-pubescent dragon dick doesn’t know what it wants and he’s learning that you aren’t the only game in town.  Somehow, he’s actually starting to learn to start thinking with his big head.” “Well, you do have a way with words,” Rarity muttered.  “But that still doesn’t mean I’m happy.” I wasn’t sure if my words had actually changed her calculus, but I didn’t really care.  She would probably do some stupid shit and then learn a lesson that she really should have learned a while ago. I turned towards the castle again, only then remembering that I would be going back to Twilight.  I paused to consider my options. Lemon and I were separated - which should go without saying because we were never together in the first place - but also by distance.  I didn’t feel like I owed her anything, but maybe she should at least have the heads up that Twilight was moving in on me. Maybe she could use that information to help our annulment proceedings.  I reversed course back into the post office to write her a letter. I opened the door, but as I walked through, I found that it wasn’t the post office at all but the front door of a convention center.  Looking around, the place was full of nerds in costume. There was a sign in front of me that said it was the Power Pony Palooza. I stared.  According the date on the sign, I had just timeskipped an entire day. “I cannot believe you wanted me to come to this,” said Lemon’s voice.  I jerked in surprise. She was standing beside me. She wore a costume of La Domestique Francaise, a character from the Power Pony series.  While the name wasn’t really good French, and the outfit was basically just her regular maid uniform from the castle, I could already see some nerds looking sideways at her. I was dressed as Mr. Guy, who due to some magic comic book shenanigans, I’d played in the past.  I had my sunglasses, dark suit, and red tie. “Oh shit, it happened again,” I said. “What happened again?” I had nothing to lose by telling her, and maybe it would actually help get this marriage called off by reasons of mental instability or something. So we found a reasonably quiet alcove in the convention center and I told her how I had been losing time, yet apparently still functioning otherwise.  I didn’t tell her a couple of details about certain things I might have done while out of my mind, but just enough to explain why I sometimes asked her to remind me of what had just happened. “You being off your rocker explains a lot,” she said flatly.  “But for this latest period - an entire day, you said? - I only know the part I personally observed.  You sent me a letter explaining how Princess Twilight was making moves on you and then invited me to this convention.” Huh.  Aside from the convention, that sounded exactly like what I had been planning to do.  Still, if it was only what Lemon had observed, that left a lot of time unobserved. “Something out of character for you about it, though,” she said.  “In the letter, you called me Feather Duster.” Shit, maybe this was more serious than I thought.  I composed myself and prepared to ask for a favor from someone I knew would be unwilling.  “I know you’ve been shirking your duties lately at following me around and cleaning up my messes.  This is the first time I’ve seen you in days. Can’t blame you for that - despite our personal disagreements, we do both think that arrangement set up by Celestia was bullshit.  But I need to ask you something. You’re the only one who knows what’s been happening to me. I have no idea what could happen when I’m like this. In the interest of preventing messes before they begin - and trying to figure out what I do when I’m out of my mind - could you keep an eye on me?  This also would have the effect of keeping you between me and Twilight, which I would consider a personal favor.” Lemon let out a long sigh.  “No. I don’t owe you anything and I was trying to get fired from the castle anyway.” I swallowed and mentally prepared myself for the goveling.  “Please?” “No, Valiant, you can’t have everything you want.” She turned away.  I was just about to go after her, when the entire roof of the convention center blew off in a flash of green light. Amid screams of convention-goers and nerdy merchandise being thrown everywhere, I saw Sombra appear, towering over the building atop a spike of black crystal.  He did his villain laugh. “Plymouth Valiant, where are you? You dare challenge me!?” “Did I do that?”  I mean, it sounded like something I would do, though it must have happened during one of my blackouts. I yelled up at him.  “Hey! What are you talking about?” He spotted me and jumped down onto the convention hall floor.  “You sent me a crude letter, did you not?” Again, totally sounded like something I would do.  I frowned. But wait. How had I known where to send the letter?  Was blackout-me keeping secrets from lucid-me? Why? Didn’t we both want to kill Sombra? “Well?” Sombra prompted. “Sorry, I was thinking about something else,” I said. He blinked.  “You called me here, to this crowded city full of collateral property to damage and ponies ripe for my brainwashing powers, and you can’t even be bothered to pay attention?” “Could I see the letter?” I said. He shook his head.  “No! You are going to respect me as the existential threat that I am!” “Man, when did you start buying into your own bullshit?” I said, pulling out my obsidian knife.  “That’s always been the problem with you guys. Ego.” You might say I had learned this lesson on several, very personal, occasions. Sombra growled and showed his fangs.  He took a stance. I threw a Daring Do dakimakura at him. He fired a beam of his crystalizing magic at it, but while he was distracted, I closed the distance and wrapped his horn up in a tangle of cheap necklaces that had been on sale at the booth next to the one that had sold the pillows.  It was pot metal, but it worked well enough to Faraday-cage his horn. Now disarmed, he put up less of a fight and I wrestled him to the ground, blade to his throat. His magic may have been grounded, but hate still burned in his eyes.  “Do it!” he snarled. I’ll never surrender to mercy and friendship!” “You know, I don’t even know why I paused.  Maybe I don’t want to get blood on my suit. Maybe I’m trying to think of how this looks in public.  Maybe I’m trying to be nice to my not-wife and not leave a mess so she’ll do a favor for me.” I paused.  “But then if I spare your life, Twilight will like me more than she already does, and I really don’t need that.  It’s weird. I can’t handle mares coming onto me. I’m totally unprepared and I don’t really know how to handle it.” “The only thing worse than a monologue prior to battle is one after a battle,” Sombra snapped. “Oh shit, you’re right.”  I thought about it. “But does it count if I’m trying to get some life advice?  Like, come on, man, we may not be friends here but bro to bro, what am I going to do?” “Kill me.” “It’s all about you today, isn’t it?”  I tilted my head. “Though, cutting your throat would help get Twilight off me.” I leaned forward and suddenly Sombra said, “Wait, I changed my gurgurbrgrubrh-” or whatever sound someone makes when you cut their trachea midsentence. That done, I got up and wiped the knife off on his cape before reholstering it.  I’d done my best to minimize the mess, but throat wounds did still bleed a lot. “Sorry Lemon, I tried to-” Looking around, I didn’t see her.  “Lemon?” Walking over to where I’d seen her last, I came upon a pile of debris from the destroyed roof.  A hoof reached up. There was a piece of angle iron sticking out of her torso and she’d already lost at least as much blood as Sombra, spread in a pool all around her body. I went to my knees on the ground beside her.  Her head turned towards me, but I couldn’t tell if her eyes managed to focus. “No messes,” she whispered. “Okay,” I said. As far as last words go...kind of a downer. I walked into the library.  “Sweet, a second couch.” “Do you like it?” said Rarity.  “I had it brought over especially for swooning.” She did, right then. “What’s your deal this time?” Twilight came into the room.  “I helped her understand that our friends have friends of their own, too.  It was selfish of Rarity to try and monopolize Spike, but at the same time, Spike and Gabby have to recognize Rarity’s feelings.” “Why is it that all of you seem to be really bad at your Element?  I mean, except for Applejack.” Twilight’s face tweaked, but she said nothing. “At least we managed to figure this out before the Power Pony Palooza, which I had planned to take Spike to,” said Rarity. “I heard what happened,” said Twilight to me, her tone changing. “Yeah.”  I sat on my couch, let out a long sigh, and rested my chin on my hooves. Twilight sat down gently on the couch beside me.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her hoof move towards my shoulder. “If you touch me, I’ll break your fetlock and then start working my way up the rest of your leg.” She drew back.  “Well excuse me for thinking you have a normal reaction to trauma!” “Twilight, I don’t think you can even imagine how I react to trauma - or how I define what I consider trauma.” “Surely you can’t have too much of an abnormal reaction to the death of your wife.” I sat up straight.  “Wait a tick - that means I’m single again!”