“So jakkid who is the person we are goin to find?” said Dick America when we left out of the nightclub.
“Remember,” said me. “Detective jakkid166 has a saying.”
“What is it?”
“I dont remember. But it is very psilosophical. It is the reason Philosopher is one of my special hidden titles other than Detective. Anyway our speed sucks right now, so we ned to get more fast. Like 6 or 7 more fast."
"Right I understand you!" said Dick America. So I called a taxi and they drove up to us and I said to the taxi driver "Drive us to Ponyville now!"
'WHAT?" said Dick America. "But ponyville is where ponies live, like Twilight and Rainbow Dash and Detective jakkid166! What if we get caut and arrested?"
"It is the risk we must take," said me. "The arms dealer live in the everfree forest. Next to the legs dealer."
So the taxi driver drived us across the ocean (the car has surfboards on the wheels) toward the Mystical land of Ponyville. "So who do you think done the crime?" said Dick.
"I have narrow down my options," said me. "But I am stil not sure. If someone has horn that means they are unicorns, so it wold have to be a unicorn. Maybe Lord Tirek, that guy is a dick head."
The guy kept drivin us across the ocean to the Ponyville, but it was takin forever because my watch was slow. So i started eating cocaine to pass the time
"Jakkid you should not eat so much cocaine it might do bad things to you," said Dick. "One time my dad ate like 7 pounds of cocaine and he got a small headache."
"Not to worry," said me. "Detective jakkid166 is on strict diet. I only eat the cocaine if I need to. Or want to. Or dont need to or dont want to." and I took some cocaine and made it into the shape of a milk and ate it.
"Wait, wher are we going?" said Dick. "I dont recognize this part of the ocean."
"O shit," said the driver. "I tok a wrong turn at the place where the water was! We have driven into PIRATE waters!"
"Oh FUCK!" said Dick and we looked around and there was pirate ships sailign around the place and fighting each other. We knew they were pirate ships because they had Jolly Rancher flags
"Dammit!" said the taxi driver pony. "We gotta get outta here undetected! Stealth yo"
"You right," said Dick. "No one move or be loud or do anything to make attention to us!"
but something was makin me act weird. "HEY!" I said at the pirates. "You suck like Banjo Kazooie Nuts and Bolts!"
"WHAT?" said one of the pyrate ships and the captain step out on deck and looked at us with his pirate telescope that he pirated off the internet. "Hey look thats Detective jakkid166! Lets catch him!" and his ship started goin to us and firing cannonballs and cannoncubes at us
"Jakkid why did you do that?!" said DIck.
"No matter!" said Taxi Driver (the guy not the movie) "Quick load the Taxi cannons and fire back!"
so me and Dick grabbed the canonballs from under the seats and loaded the cannons and fired them. Dick's balls missed but mine also missed. Then one of the pirate ships cannon balls hit our taxi right in the taxi and it was disabeld and we couldent drive anymore!
"Haha got you now!" said the pirate captain and he grabed a fishing pole and use it to catch our taxi and reel us onto our boat. The taxi fell onto the deck and the captain went to the front window and the driver rolled it down.
"Ahoy me fuckos!" said the captain "I hear Detective jakkid166 be on this shit!"
"Yeah I am," said me, "But you canot arrest me, because I need to solve the case!"
"No matey I dont want to arrest you," said the pyrate captain pony.
"What heck fuck?" said me. "Why not?"
"Cause I dont care if you killed Celstia, cause Im a evil bad pirate man. I need you to solve a crime on the ship! Let me introduce yourself. I am Captain Assbeard and this is my ship, the S.S. SSSSSSSSS."
"Wow," said me and we all got outta the taxi. "Detective jakkid had a ship once, but it turn out I dont like romance. So it wasnt canon."
"Dont worry our ship has lots of canons," said Assbeard. "The ones we shot you with. But thats not important right now, cause on this ship we had a MURDER!"
"What kind of murder?" said me.
"The kind where someone died."
"Dang that sucks," I said. "Okay Ill help you, but on one deal. You gotta sail us to the Everfree Forest if we solve it okay? I am on important detective mission."
"Sure matey we can do that matey."
"Okay so wheres the body and the autopsy report?"
"Heres the autopsy report," said Assbeard and he gave it to me. "The body is in the ship's bowling alley. Lets go down there."
so we went and took the elevator down to the bowling alley. When we got out we saw our eyes looking at the sight of the room. It was a big bowling alley, fill with pins and bowleng balls, and in the chewy center of it all was the dead pony body of a guy who had been deaded.
"Dang," I said and I look at the autopy report. "Ok so this says the guy is named Gordon Chefguy and he died of being stabbed with a bowling ball." I closed the autopsy report and said "So who did this?"
"It was our crew sandwich man, Jersey Mike," said Assbeard.
"Case closed," said me. "Detective jakkid does it again."
"Good job jakkid," said Assbeard, "But you also gotte figure out WHY he did it!"
"Fine," said me and I went to the boody and me and Dick America look closely at it to investigoat it.
"Dang," said me. "This Gordon guy even have a chef hat, he must have make really good food."
"Yeah he does," said Assbeard. "He make the best Lobster Hot Pockets.
"I gotte interrogate the victim to see why this mighta happened." so I said to the chef guy "Hey why did someone try to murder you?"
so Gordon got off the ground and said "I dont know, but you have to arest him for attempted murder. Lets go to the Pirate Jail and ask him."
so we all went back down the elevator and into the Pirate Jail. Jersey Mike was there in the jail cell eating a sandwich and said to us "Hey guys how you doing?"
"Idiot!" said me. "Why did you tried to kill Gordon Chefguy?"
"Becaus," said the guy and he threw his sand wich at me. "He is a DEMON!"
"Thats stupid," said Assbeard. "Demons dont be real! This a atheist pirate ship!"
"Yeah I am no demon," said Gordon. "Except for speed demon when I play Mario Kart."
"Then we are at standoff," said Dick America. "SOMEONE is lying! But how wil we find out who?"
"Wait," said me. "There is perfect way to decide if Gordon Chefguy is a demon or not. Are you thinking what I thinking Dick America?"
"I dont know."
“Me neither”
“I have the idea,” said me. “I have super detective secret technique for finding out if somoene is demon. Everyone plug your eyes, this is secret technique for only for detectives only!”
so I went to Gordon and I said “Are you a demon?”
“Yes”
“Is that you final answer?”
“Yes”
“Case closed,” said me. “He is a demon. Wait, that is a bad thing.”
“RAGH” gordon SCREAMED and his body RIPPED off his body and his body changed into being different. instead of having hands he had claws, instead of a peg leg he had a demon peg leg, and instead of his pirate name tag he had atag that said “Demon” on it.
“Curses!” said assbeard. “Gordon, you is really a demon? HOw COULD YOU?? I was at you bar mitzvah!”
“My name is not Gordon anymore,” said Gordon. “I am a demon, and my name…. is MATT DEMON”
“So what the hell is you plan, Matt Demon?” I said to him. “Now that you reveal yourself, you will be arested into Demon Jail.”
“I think NOT!” said him. “Detective jakkid166 I mus stop you from finding the truth about who realy killed Princess Celestia. And to do that I will EAT YOU!” and he LUNGE at me
But I stopped him and I said “No, cannerbalism is illegal in Equestria.”
“Oh right,” said Matt. “Ok well instead I will SINK this SHIP wit YOU ON IT!” and he ran out the door onto the poop deck and started bashing up the ship with him demon claws.
We all ran out after him and I pulld out my gun and said “STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!”
“No you cant say that because you are fugitive on the run,” said Dick.
“Oh yeah. Then stop in the name of CRIME!”
“No,” said Matt and he kept doing stupid shit
“you leav me no choice” I said to him and I pulld out my gin. I aim it at his peg leg and fired BUT the bullet bounce off because wood is bulletproof.
“Dammit,” said me. “He is too invincible! How ar we gonna beat him?”
“QUICK” said Assbeard. “To the Captains Quarters!”
So we ran down to the storag room where the captain kept his collection of quarters. “Why ar we here?” said me. “Quarters do not help us, unless you have Ms. Pac Man on this ship.”
“These ar special quarters,” said him and he dump the quarters into his hand. “These ar MAGIC quarters, which are a family heirloom that secretly can trans form into the ultimate demon killing weapon. The SWORD of KICK DEMON ASS!” and he grabbed the cuarters and they turned into the sword. It looked kinda like a sword except it was sharp too and had a blade on it.
“Wow that thing look really cool and expensive and really bad if you dropped it in the sea and lose it forever and go into debt bankrupt and die of poor,” said me.
“Yes it is valuable sword,” said Assbeard. “It is from Sharper Image. Alright lets go suck him up,” said Assbeard and we ran out to the deck but now the ship was leaking water so hard that it started raining and make things real cinematic. “MATT DEMON!”
“What the hell do you want now I am busy,” said Matt. he was playing mario kart on the pirate TV
“I chalenge you to a DUEL!” said Assbeard and he point his sword at him.
“Ok then grab a controller,” said Matt
“Oh okay,” said Assbeard and he sat down on couch and start playing Mario kart with Matt.
“I pick Luigi because he is the best character arr matey,” said Assbeard.
“Oh yeah well my main charater is Detective jakkid166!” said Matt and he choose me in the game. (i am in the game because i use my detectiv e money to pay nintendo to put me in. its not out in our world yet but it is mario kart 9)
“Oh no not Detective jakkid166!” said me. “I am the best chatater in the game! Assbeard does not stance a chance!”
“You mus have faith in the ass beard, jakkid,” said DIck. “It is our life on the line.”
so on the Switch TV screen, Mario got on screen and said “Ok it is Captain Assbeard vs Matt Demon! Whoever lose this race die in real life! Woo hoo here we go”
and the guy with the numbers came on the screen and said “3 2 1 GO!”
“Wait Mr. Numbers,” said Matt “You forget zero.”
“Oh right” said the guy. “ZERO GO”
and the two SPEED OFF down the track. Matt who was playing as me was very in the lead because the Detective jakkid166 in the game gets advantage by using jet plane instead of driving a car. Assbeard was only like 200 miles behind though so he c can still win probably
“Haha I am beating you off,” said Matt. “You will never win”
“Never say never,” said Assbeard “Except for when I am saying it now.”
Luigi in the game was try his best, but it was hard for him because his car was made out of slow and he kept runing over bananananana peels which made him eat them and he got more fat and weigh the car down more. But Luigi ran into the item box and got a item! It was a fire flower. He shot fire at the plane and the flammable metal catched on fire.
“FUck!” said game me. “I must take more drastic measure to win!” and he ran over a item box in his plane which gave him a item.
The item was a gun
“Haha eat this!” said game me and he fired his gun out the window at luigi and shot him in the face and Luigi got shot in the head and fall off his kart and died in the street. Luigis kart kept going though cause of momentum or something
“Haha!” said matt “What are you gonna do now?”
“Good question” said Assbeard. “What am I gonna do now?”
“JAKKID!” said Dick. “What ar we gonna do now?!”
“Hmm,” I hav an Idea, ”I said”.
“What is it?”
“I am here, but I am also in the game. Maybe I can use detectiv MENTAL LINK to control the me in the game!”
“Oh good idea jappid,” said Dick, “Try that!”
so I focus and concentrat my mind really hard. I thought so hard that my veins started to have blood in them. But after lot of strugging…
I WOKE UP in the game and I was the one flying the plane! I looked out the TV screen at matt and assbeard and said “Alright time to do this shit!” so I took control of the plane and start crashing it into stuff on purpose
“Hey stop doing that!” said Matt “You ar gonna make me lose!”
but I kept crashing the plane. Finally I pressed the planes Turbo Boosts and I flew the plane out of the track and over to Indonesia where I crashed the plane into a field of flowers and boomed and exploded and the plane blew up and i died.
“NOOOO!” said Matt. meanwhile Luigis kart rolled over the finish line and Assbeard won.
“HAHA!” said assbeard and he sTABBED matt with the sword and matt went all “NOOOOOO now I am gonna get back sent to hell where I live! But its not that bad cause I need to get home anyway so I can watch the new Breaking Bad movie.”
“Oh sweet ill go visit your house later so we can watch it together matey,” said Assbeard.
“Cool” said Matt and he was vankwished back to hell.
“Arr that wa sa close one,” said Assbeard. “Wait where is jakkid?”
Dick America was holdin my body because I was dead. “NOOO JAKKID HOW COLD YOU DONE THIS?” he said.
“Dammit,” said Assbeard. “Detecive jakkid prove his selflesnes again. He gave his life to save himself.”
but then I COUGHED and woke up.
“WOAH jakkid how ar you alive?” said Dick America?
“Mario gave me a 1 up,” said me. “Anyway did we win?”
“Yeah,” said Dick “Now we ar one step closer to winning the case! But why was there demon on the ship? That is very suspicos. What could it mean?”
“It is strange,” said Assbeard. “Demons has not been seen in this world for ages. Like my age, which is 47.”
“Still we do not know who killed Celestia,” said Dick. “That sucks.”
“Who do you think it cold be who murdered celestia?” said Assbeard. “I care about that”
“I have theory,” said me. “I am thinking it gotta be Lord Tirek, because he is red and evil!”
“What” said Assbeard “That is not possible. Dident you hear the newspaper?”
“Wat”
so Assbeard pulled a newspaper out of somewhere and showed it to me. “What ja fuck?” said me. “Dick read this headline! I dont have my reading glasses on so I cant see it”
so Dick took it and read it. “Lord Tirek found dead in Canterlot?!”
“WHAT?” I shouted
“Lord Tirek, age 9783156948398937190987, died last week of a heart attack, before Celestia was murdered. So he could not have been the one who murdered Celestia. That is what the paper said”
“Dang,” said me. “So Tirek cold not be the killer. But who else is a suspect?”
“I dont know,” said Assbeard. “FUnny thing though, that guys age is the same as my credit card number.” (please do not steal this guys money he is poor)
“Well this sucks,” said me. “Guess we gotta keep lookin for clues.”
“Thats right matey,” said Assbeard. “TIme to sail you to the Everfree Forest and you can complete you duty.”
so we got to the forest and as I was gettin off the ship, Assbeard came to me and said “Detecive jakkid I want you to take this,” he said and gave the Sword of Demon Ass Kicking to me. “You will ned it more than me. It is the only way to defeat demons.”
“Woah,” said me. “I am For Honored.”
“Yes,” said Assbeard “Just do not lose it, it cost like 50 bucks.”
“Hey,” I said “What is this name on the blade?”
“That is Gilliam Bickers, my ansester who made the sword.”
“Ok I dont care anymore. Bye”
so me and Dick left off the boat and headed to the everfree forest.
TO BE CONTINUED