Luciferian tried to scream, but there was no air. There was not even space for air to occupy, or a version of the laws of physics that would be conductive the to the construction of anything that could reasonably thought of as matter, let alone as air.
He plummeted, streaming across the space between space, a realm whose only existence was created by mathematical uncertainty concerning the definition of borders between regions that could not be circumscribed by any sane means.
As he fell, his sanity began to fray, torn apart by the presence of himself- -and countless other versions of himself. He saw them spread thin across endless words, some like his and some unlike, a smattering of Lucferians drawn across a series of malignant spheres. Each stood beside him, each vying for control, to assert themselves as the true Luciferian, perpetually in conflict with one another to the point that being able to perceive one another was intrinsically toxic. Their existence was mutually exclusive.
Then he looked upward, and he saw her, the pony Thirteen, her body surrounded by the course of her direction and unified across realities that began to rip apart Luciferian’s mind. He saw her- -countless versions of her, thousands, millions- -standing across all realities, all unified in thought and purpose. As her hoof came to meet his chest, the endless Luciferians cried out in rage, trying to flee him or take control of him, their minds driven by rage and hunger and loneliness- -but Thirteen stood unified with the other Thirteens, her hoof the hoof of millions.
When she struck, the unopenable door to the unspeakable void was shattered and Luciferian was thrown through.
He cried out, his body suddenly unified back into a single corporeal being. Air touched his skin and its sudden presence was both immensely relieving and vaguely agonizing.
Then came the pain as his back struck something hard and stone. The pain was strange to him, because parts of him that he was not aware of having began to ache as he fell to the ground.
He looked up and around, not sure where he was. Luciferian had landed against the base of a statue, the subject of which seemed to be a horse. Behind it was a large building, a school perhaps.
Then, to his abject horror, he saw two people. They were not ponies, but people. As in, things that walked on two legs. One was a short girl with blue skin and a long black dress, holding books, and the other was a taller white girl with tri-colored hair and a bookbag.
Space was torn open and Thirteen emerged, her own body contorted hideously into the form of one of the ugly bipeds.
Luciferian attempted to summon his magic, intending to strike her square in the chest with a quantum displacement spell- -only to find that no magic appeared.
“Wh- -what?” He reached for his forehead, only to find two things. The first was that he had no horn. The second was that he had HANDS.
“MY ORGAN!” he cried. “What have you done to my horn?!” He looked down at himself. “What have you done to my ME?!”
Thirteen stood over him and Luciferian tried to flee, only to fall over. He had no idea how to run on two legs. Thirteen grabbed him by the collar and lifted him easily. Then she punched him with such force that he struck the base of the statue hard enough to be thrown out of the universe entirely and into the next one.
Thirteen continued to follow, passing into the base of the statue. Behind her, Luna and Celestia looked at each other, terribly confused. Celestia dug through her bookbag and found the flask she had been trying to sneak into school. Luna nodded as Celestia held it out a moment before lobbing it as hard as she could into the nearby woods.
Luciferian burst across words, suddenly emerging back into a different atmosphere. He immediately began choking on it; it reeked of smoke and metal.
Worse, he was a considerable height over the ground- -yet there was no sky over him. Only metal and concrete, and endless towers of strange buildings built along great supports of the ceiling that defended this dying world from the icy air beyond its borders.
He fell, and as he did, he tried to summon his magic- -only for no magic to arise. He was not even sure what he was, or who.
There was no way to arrest his momentum as he fell through the metal roof of a building. Fortunately, the ground broke his fall, as well as a woman who was immediately and instantly crushed beyond recognition.
Luciferian sat up, alive but in bad shape. He had no idea where he was, but founded that he was completely surrounded by ponies. All of them were almost perfectly identical: violet alicorns with long bangs and amethyst eyes, all dressed in robes.
He wondered if it had been one of them he had landed on, but instead found that it had been a bipedal woman- -and that she had been splattered quite severely. She was thoroughly dead- -except that she was not. Her flesh was grainy and white and reeked of potatoes; even as Luciferian sat in the mess that had once been her body, she was attempting to pull herself back together and regenerate.
“He smashed Russet!” cried one of the alicorns.
“Intruder! INTRUDER! He’s come to steal our BOOKS!”
The ponies immediately turned on him. One raised a hoof and the hoof separated, its mechanical parts dividing and barrels revving up as she and the others began pouring bullets in Luciferian’s direction.
They tore through his body, which was itself forged from metal and electronics instead of flesh. He was a machine in this world, as ponies were nothing more than the characters in a children show brought to life through technology and a desire for profit. Although he felt no pain, his the damage to his identity was extreme.
Thirteen emerged, leaping through the air and tackling him, pulling him back through space and to elsewhere once again.
In a dreary, swampy wilderness, a pure white unicorn sat beside a peasant so hideously unpleasant that it was impossible to look upon him without potentially vomiting out both ends- -truly a feat for unicorns of this particular realm, as their digestive system only had one opening. Not to mansion the smell. It was so bad that beings in other realities were being forced to hold their noses and blaming each other for the distinct odor of medieval poverty.
Then a tall gangly man emerged from the bushes, where he had probably been trapped.
“Great,” sighed the unicorn. “You’re still alive.”
“Aye! And I have found food!” He held up a wet sack. “I was inspired by divine inspiration to place meat, cheese, and rats between two pieces of BREAD!”
“Cheese?” said the peasant. “Where did you find the cheese?”
“I scraped it from you when you were not looking. I ate it and only passed out for two hours. In a swampy area. Woke up with half my blood gone. Not sure where the rest went.”
They both looked at the unicorn.
“What? I’m not British. I don’t eat blood.”
“And what is this creation called?” asked the peasant.
“I call it: the SANDWICH!”
He beat the peasant with the sack. The peasant removed one of the objects, and it was made of pure charcoal that collapsed to dust in his hands.
“It’s...burned.”
Both the peasant and the unicorn looked up at the Witchfynder, seeing the enormous smile on his face.
Then space opened and a unicorn was thrown through, engaged in mortal struggle with another unicorn. They rolled around for a moment before falling into a swampy area and vanishing completely.
The human, the unicorn, and the peasant stared for a moment, unsure of what they had seen.
“Well,” said the unicorn. “That’s the last time I lick myself.” He laughed. “Just kidding, I’m totally going to lick myself right now. And you two are totally going to watch.”
He then raised one of his legs and began licking.
“Ugh,” said the peasant, staring intently at it. “That’s disgusting.”
“Agreed,” said the Witchfynder. “But...I can’t look away...”
As they fell through spacelessness, Luciferian managed to break free of Thirteen’s grasp. At the cost of his sanity, his mind was beginning to compensate. He was beginning to understand- -and to comprehend the true power of Thirteen’s mind. That this was not detrimental at all to her. It was mundane.
He did what he could to change his course, having developed a sensation that she was leading him somewhere. As he did, he skimmed across the surface of something vast and fell through.
Luciferian found himself in a white room of exquisite craftsmanship- -and of ponderously tiny scale. Confused as to why such a place would exist, he looked around- -only to find a number of exceedingly tiny unicorns fleeing his presence.
“What in the name of Celestia’s butt…”
“Hey!” squeaked a voice. Luciferian turned to look down at what appeared to be a throne of sorts- -or, rather, a place where an alicorn about half the size of the tiny unicorns was sitting atop a pile of stallions. “Stop making my subjects squeak in fear! I can’t stand the stupid sound!”
Luciferian reached down and picked her up. She barely filled his hoof. Then he squished her flat.
“Hey,” she said, now standing on the tip of his horn. “Has it ever occurred to you that I am small enough to be inserted into an orifice?”
Luciferian shivered and was promptly blasted in the rump by Thirteen as she emerged from space. A third eye erupted on the tiny alicorn’s forehead and an enormous worm swam out of a hole in space, immediately devouring him.
The tiny princess dropped to the floor and bounced once, not caring especially much. She was, after all, completely and utterly immortal.
Thirteen trotted afterward but stopped to bow to the High-Princess of Hiwurld. She then summoned a large bowl of silver pudding using her magic.
“Ah, Starlight. Excellent. You have brought a gift. As such I permit you to live. Hussars!”
Her pile of genetically engineered stallions converged on her, picking her up and carefully inserting her into the pudding, slowly twisting her until she was up to her neck.
“Excellent. It is still warm. You are now forgiven, Starlight. On your way, chop chop!”
Thirteen bowed and was shoved through an inter-dimensional hole, leaving the princess to stew.
Finally, Luciferian burst into a new reality. He had become so nauseous that he doubted he could continue.
Something ran away from him, screaming in terror. The sound nearly rendered Luciferian deaf, and he focused on the thing, only to find that it was a peculiar furry creature closely resembling an ambulatory kiwi fruit.
“SCREEEEE! No huwt babbehs! AM ONWY WIDDWE BABBEHS!”
Something peeped and chirped loudly beneath Luciferian. He shifted his weight, only to see the most horrible thing he had ever seen sitting beneath him- -and to see that it, in turn, was staring back at him with its big, realistic eyes.
The world reeked of vodka and ionizing radiation. Looking around, Luciferian saw that it was completely devoid of color. The walls were dripping with various unnamable fluids. Several inexplicable posters had been hung around the area, each with his cutie mark and- -much to his chagrin- -a distinctly ironic entreaty to “Hail Satin”.
A hairy fruit-horse approached him. It was a tiny unicorn, its cheeks puffed out and its horn sparking with tiny flecks of light.
“Dummeh butt-howsie-munstuh! Dis am SMAWTIE wand! Go way ow get WOWSEST sowwy hoofsies!”
It then proceeded to stroke Luciferian repeatedly with its tiny pointless hooves. Luciferian summoned his magic and nearly passed out. He had no idea how to use it properly, mainly because he was unsure if he was a real pony, a robot, or a human brain grafted into a robot, or some combination of those things.
On the plus side, his spell caused the furry creature severe pain. And that made him inexplicably happy.
Something rustled from beneath a pile of bottles. A man sat up. He was not even close to being human. He was, in fact, Soviet.
“Small wizard horse would be having the wise to not touch the churpo,” said Ivan, pointing one finger at Luciferian. The finger, like all of his eight fingers, was stuck in an empty bottle. “Ivan once tried to drink the churpo. It worked about as well as Ivan expected. Nearly died. But when Ivan tried the SECOND time...” He chuckled. “Was so much worse...”
A badly drawn hole appeared in space and Thirteen stepped through. She, like everything else in this reeking world, was devoid of color.
“Ah. Magic pointing-horse. Have you too come for the free vodkas?”
Thirteen sighed. Her horn glowed, and the bottles were removed from Ivan’s fingers. He smiled a V-shaped smile and immediately produced a full bottle. From where, no one knew.
Luciferian tried to take a defensive stance.
“Don’t bother,” said Thirteen. “No one ever gets hurt in this dimension.”
“Speak fow yusewf,” grumbled one of the hairy kiwi fruits.
“GAH!” Luciferian clapped his hooves over his ears. “You’re talking! You fool, you’ll kill us all!”
“Ha! Ivan’s wife says same thing when Ivan talks! Is probably why she is being the great much of fat...”
“Paradoxing isn’t a problem. Not here.” Thirteen smiled. “We are on the very edge of reality, the farthest reaches of the pony multiverse. Causality and consequence do not exist in this realm.”
“Is true!” claimed Ivan, now with a bottle in both hands. “In this dimension, communism actually WORKS!”
“No it doesn’t.”
“LIES! Communism ALWAYS works! Is best form of government! Or is magic pointing horse...a capitalist WRECKER?! Ivan knows where the Mosins grow! Will give you the poke…if you give Ivan the poke too?”
“Go home, Ivan, you’re drunk.”
Ivan laughed. “Drunk IS Ivan’s home! That, and houses are for kulaks. A TRUE proletariat sleeps in glorious Soviet snowbank.”
Thirteen sighed and turned to Luciferian. “Now, if I was reaaaaaaly cruel? I COULD give you paradoxic foreknowledge and send you back to your own reality. You would probably explode. Or implode. Or both at the same time. I mean, that sounds impossible, but I’ve seen it. Twice. At the same time.”
“You wouldn’t dare!”
“No. I wouldn’t. Because you’re basically of no consequence. Not anymore, anyway. Your own universe has moved beyond you, even if you can’t see it.”
“Then why bother, if you’re so sure?”
“Because you are making my job SO much harder. And I am not getting paid enough to deal with you getting in my way and trying to change fate.”
“A job...” Luciferian’s eyes narrowed. “What exactly are you?”
“I am Starlight Glimmer NX2.3712’XNJ 47b8g 10.7- -oh, why am I bothering? Your society is too primitive to understand the nomenclature. I’m a freelancer in the Starlight Corps.”
“And is that supposed to mean something?”
“No. Not to you. Your perception of the world is still very limited.”
Luciferian tried to stand, getting woozy from the fumes. “I am the most powerful sorcerer who ever lived- -”
“In your own reality, sort of. Considering your temporal location. But I think it’s a little arrogant to think that there won’t eventually be ponies more powerful than you. I mean, your universe will eventually produce a Starlight. Most do.”
Luciferian did his best to understand, but his mind was too small. He understood what she meant only in terms of mathematics, and what it might mean in a practical sense. Too many times he had heard Sombra babble endlessly about his dream of opening the doors to a great multiverse, although only Luciferian himself had found a way to do so. He looked down at his hoof, and the marks carved into his leg.
He smiled, then looked up. “Then we’ve had a misunderstanding, haven’t we?”
“Ivan has that all the time,” said Ivan. “Partly because vodka.”
“No,” said one of the fruits. “It am because you am weaaaaawy stoopie.”
Ivan blinked, then pointed. “See? Ivan does not understand what tiny fruit-horse says at all. Solution is to nationalize...something. Also, vodka.”
Luciferian ignored him and stood. This world did not really have gravity; he was forced to orient himself by the horizon lines- -and even then, those were sometimes completely forgotten. “You are clearly more powerful than I am, Starlight. I thought I could conquer you but that is clearly not the case. Why not join me? Rule beside me! With your power, taking Equestria would be easy. And then we can open all the doors we want, to conquer endless words in an unending Twilight Empire!”
Starlight laughed. “Ha, that’s really stupid.”
Luciferian blinked. “Wh- -what? No it isn’t, you twit! I just offered you a chance to rule the WORLD!”
“Yeah. No. I don’t do ‘ruling’. I tried it on a village once, it was a hassle. That, and the Starlight Corps won’t let me. I mean, to a primitive like you, sure, I probably look like a god. But I’m actually one of the lowest-ranked Starlights. I mean, the system is totally rigged, of course. I fought Thebe THRICE! Which is like ‘twice’, but three. In case you didn’t know.”
“I’m not stupid.”
“Really? Huh. Regardless, Thebe. Fought her. Lost every time. But every time you can crawl away from a fight with the Wingless Goddess is a win in my book. Even if one of those times the Corps had to resurrect me from a single cell. Which, by the way, is a SUPER weird experience. Kind of like passing a camel through the eye of a needle, except you're the needle. And also the camel.” She laughed. “Sorry. I’ve had to not talk for a loooong time. And you’re kind of a captive audience.”
Luciferian frowned. “Then what is it you want from me? Why are you interfering?”
Starlight’s smile faded. “Because I need you to stop getting in my way. I’m in line for a promotion, and if you ruin my stats, well, I’ll turn you into a varnak or something. Which, just so you know, is- -”
“I know what a varnak is.”
“Evewybody know what vawnak am,” said one of the fruit horses, rolling its eyes.
“That, and one other thing.” Starlight pointed to Luciferian’s leg. “That infection. I slowed it down, but my spell is temporary. When you get back to your own realm, back near her, it will break, and you’ll be right back where you started.”
Luciferian grimaced. “And why are you telling me this?”
Starlight sighed. “Because you look like her, I guess.”
“Her?”
“My best friend. And the pony that destroyed my own reality before I could manage to destroy her.”
“I do not understand.”
“You are not meant to. But you have to listen to me, VERY careful. Even I am not powerful enough to remove that curse, but given enough time your universe will create six ponies that can. Your only option is an Alduin leap. Freeze yourself in stone and wait until a cure is developed.”
Luciferian laughed. “Do you have to be an idiot? Was I really that wrong in thinking you were some kind of god? I have a plan. You have no need to worry.”
Starlight’s eyes narrowed. “No,” she said. “I know exactly what your plan is.”
“Really? How?”
“Because from my perspective, you’ve already attempted it. Again and again. Across endless worlds. And every time, you fail. You are toying with forces that ponies are not meant to...well, to toy with. There are some places even the Corps refuses to go. Some doors were not meant to be opened, Twilight. For once, listen to me!”
“I do not need your help, interloper. I know what I am doing.”
“No. You don’t. But frankly I don’t care. You would be better off letting her manifest than what you’re going to try. But fine.” She shrugged. “Do what you want. It’s not my job to stop you. I’m paid to handle Cadence UNWH4.589’GT87 72. Which is your Cadence.”
“You mean Penumbra. The pony destined to be my wife.”
“Ah. So this version of you got the prophecy too.”
“Ivan never trusts such things!” growled Ivan, standing up so suddenly he fell over in a stupor. “Prophets are always liars! Profits are symptom of filthy CAPITALISM!”
Starlight winced. “Ivan, that pun doesn’t work in writing.”
Luciferian shivered. “What did you just...why do I feel like...”
“Like the fourth wall just broke a little bit? Ignore that. But listen very carefully. I have business with the princess, and I don’t want you interfering.”
“I own her. She practically my wife already.”
“Fine. Then I’ll make you a deal.”
Luciferian raised an eyebrow. “I’m listening.”
“Take the throne first. The prophecy says a white unicorn of House Twilight will rule beside the princess, right? Well you can’t rule unless you’re king. Do that part first, then marry her or whatever. My business will be done by then.”
Luciferian’s eyes narrowed. “Is that it? You threw me across the multiverse and put me in...wherever in the name of Celestia’s fine rump we are- -”
“Glorious Soviet Union!” cried Ivan, who had now gotten his nose stuck in a Mosin Nagant.
“- -to TALK to me?”
“Paradoxes. Also, I don’t like you. You’re a huge jerk. And I needed to keep you away while Sunbutt and Moonbutt finish of Sombra.”
“Do you really think they have a chance?”
“Eh, forty thirty. But just as long as they don’t cast him into the interdimensional void.” Starlight laughed nervously. “Because THAT would be SUPER bad. As in, that might cause Sombra NX4.4 to form. And that would get me in HUGE trouble. But what are the chances of that happening?”
“So...you are just going to send me back now?”
A disturbing smile crossed Starlight’s face. “Oh no. Not by a long shot. You're clearly a pervert, both to the princess and to me. She's like, seven months old. And I'm well over three thousand, even if you don't count orthogonal temporal movement. But I don't appreciate the creepy comments. Plus? I don't really like you." She paused, and her eyes narrowed. "That, and...well...you look like HER."
“So then...what?”
“Well, I could send you to a dimension of PURE ITCHINESS. Or the one with a Moose. Even if the Moose is really just a representation for humanity’s collective pain and suffering...”
“What is ‘humanity’?”
“Stop talking stupid. I mean, I could shove you so far into the multiverse you’ll never find your way out. I did that to an evil Rarity once, she's still there. Probably. I could send you to Pandora. Which one do you want? Blue cat people or rednecks and a Butt Stallion? Or the one that plays music?”
Luciferian took a step back. “I think you may be insane...”
“So then I thought, what is the worst POSSIBLE thing?” the smile on Starlight’s face grew. “So that’s when I realized, I know EXACTLY what the worst possible fate a mortal being can experience.”
Luciferian had begun to grow frightened. “Wh- -what?”
Starlight’s horn ignited- -and she picked up the horrible chirping, peeping monstrosity that Luciferian had landed on before, holding it by its nose. Its lips opened and closed as it wheezed and drooled, its eyes staring blankly into space as it squirmed relentlessly.
“No huwt babbeh!” cried one of the fruit-horses.
"Ohhhh man," said another fruit-horse. "Somebody gonna get da BAD ENF."
“By the hair on Ivan’s wife’s Mosin!” cried Ivan. “Magic pointing horse has touched...the CHURPO!”
Luciferian backed into a crumbling wall. “You wouldn’t. You- -you wouldn’t dare!”
Starlight approached him, slowly. “Oh, I would. You know you deserve it.”
“I- -I’m the most powerful wizard in all of Equestria! I am the future king of the Crystal Empire! You are just- -just a unicorn! A colored commoner! Put it down! PUT IT DOWN NOW!”
Starlight did not. She lifted the churpo and, with only the slightest hesitation to wonder if this fate was too terrible for even him, slapped him in the face with it.
As he felt the touch of its hairless, pulsating, clammy skin against his own, Luciferian passed out from sheer peeping horror. As he did, he was flung back into the void, barely missing Sombra as they passed one another.
And once again, Starlight followed. The time had come to complete her assignment.