//------------------------------// // The Summer Sun Setback // Story: A Dream // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// This was maybe the stupidest thing I had ever done, and believe me, that’s saying a lot. The B1R airship was going to be powered by a two-stroke supercharged diesel of around sixty liters.  I’d borrowed it from one of the Equestrian Railroad’s prototype next-generation locomotives. It was good to be hammered again. Since quitting at the castle, I’d started un-quitting my drinking habits.  It led to things like putting a fifteen thousand pound engine in a lighter-than-air aircraft.  I’d make the weight difference up somewhere else. I was in the middle of drinking and thinking when Lemon stomped in.  “The railyard is a mess! They needed that locomotive!” “Why were you at the railyard?” “I did as the maid does and tidied up!  I would appreciate it if you didn’t deliberately leave messes!” I frowned.  While Lemon might occasionally deserve trolling, I wasn’t usually one to mess with blue-collar folks.  Well, unless they happened to have a diesel engine I needed. “I’m not the Chief of Staff anymore. Why are you still following me?” “Oh no, you’re still the chief of staff, even if you’re not at the castle.  The Princesses never removed you from the books. However, due to employment rules about spousal employment, they kicked me out.  I can’t work there anymore.” “But if I’m not in the castle, then we’re back to violating the ‘married employees can’t work together’ rule.” “This was my first attempt at getting you fired so I can get my job at the castle back, and apparently it still hasn’t worked.” It was news to me that I was still employed, so I didn’t really mind her trying to cost me my job.  “Well, what do you want me to do? Submit a formal resignation?” Lemon whipped out a sheaf of papers.  “Sign it.” “Are there divorce papers in there, too?” “We were never married, but wouldn’t getting divorced be admitting to it since you have to be married first before you can be divorced?” Fair enough.  I signed the resignation without looking at it.  “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get to work. Feeding a cultural demand is hard work.” I headed down to the salon.  I’d already opened a franchise in Canterlot.  Blueblood was a customer. He hated me. He hated that he had to pay me.  But he wanted to be famous. So I donged him. This was one of the most satisfying jobs I’d ever had.  All I had to do was put a bell on a pony’s head. If I didn’t like them, I’d bang on it with a hammer. The business was really taking off.  We’d already adjusted our prices to meet the demand, but I was already on track to be stupid rich by the end of the week.  Ponies are dumb. Well, people are dumb. I wasn’t really sure what I was going to call this business.  The sign outside said “bell-shaped haircuts” and I had to trademark something.  I wasn’t sure what the inevitable knockoff business would be called. I was also going to trademark everything I could related to dongs. It was a lot of thinking - and a lot of donging - and the work was tiring.  In the middle of all this, as I was pausing to yawn, my eyes closed briefly and when I opened them again, I felt someone run into me from behind and I fell flat on my face. “What the-”  I sat up, realizing I was wearing sunglasses and was sprawled in one of the castle hallways.  Lemon was also getting up, apparently having run into me. “Don’t just stop like that,” she spat. I had time-skipped again.  The difference was, this time, I had a witness. “This is going to sound weird,” I said. “Weirder than anything else you’ve been saying?” she said. “You tell me.  Recite precisely everything that happened since I left the salon.” “Which time?” “What do you mean?” “You left in the afternoon and said you were going to get a pack of smokes, whatever that means.  It sounded temporary, so I stayed to continue sweeping up hair. Instead, you were gone for like six hours.  Then we came here for the Summer Sun Celebration.” Oh, right, that was today.  Well, tonight as ponies partied into the morning sunrise.  “But if it’s night, why am I wearing sunglasses? Why are you wearing sunglasses?” “Because neither of us wants to be seen or can be seen in the castle and you said it would be a good disguise.” That sounded like me.  That sounded suspiciously like me.  Yet I didn’t remember doing it.   We kept walking.  I started trying doors at random, just to look like I was doing something so Lemon wouldn’t suspect that I was actually losing my memory.  She’d already threatened me about excessive messes. In one room, I found Twilight surrounded by charts.  She looked up as we came in. “Who are you?” “Maid staff,” I said.  “Don’t mind us.” “They’re hiring stallions now?  She frowned, but shrugged, and went back to her notes. Lemon and I walked into the next room, which was the bathroom, and mostly closed the door. “I cannot believe that worked,” she muttered.  “How could it have?  Princess Twilight is the most detail-oriented pony in Equestria and you just fooled her with a pair of sunglasses.” “You might say that I have a way with her.” Lemon shook her head. Our conversation over, we were about to exit the restroom again, when Celestia and Luna came into the room.  I saw them through the slightly-open door. Celestia said, “Sorry to interrupt.  We know you’re busy planning the Summer Sun Celebration as we requested.” Luna looked around.  “Things seem, uh, calmer than we would’ve expected.” “With the exception of the odd trivia night, I’ve made a lot of progress since the Royal Swanifying Ceremony,” said Twilight. I snorted.  The three of them glanced at the bathroom, but disregarded the noise and kept talking. “This may be the last Summer Sun Celebration you’ll need to plan,” said Luna. “Now that we’re leaving, we don’t see a need for the holiday any longer,” said Celestia.  “My sister and I have decided. The time for us to retire is upon us. You and your friends have proven you are ready to lead Equestria.  So let this be the last Summer Sun Celebration as Equestria leaves behind the old to embrace the new!” “Over my dead body!” I shouted, dramatically throwing the door open.  “Ain’t nopony taking away my federal holidays!” I stomped out of the room, Lemon hurrying behind me.  I heard Twilight mutter, “What’s a ‘federal?’” In the hallway, I said, “Classic, she’ll be thinking about that one for weeks.” Lemon shook her head. We stopped by my office, where the inbox was overflowing.  Apparently they really did still think I worked there. I wasn’t sure I could move the pile without spilling it, so I just swapped the tags on the inbox and the outbox.   That done, I was surprised by the sudden appearance of clouds outside the window and a lightning strike.  “What the hell?” I had thought Canterlot weather was good as a rule.  If I remembered correctly, there was a literal law. Not only that, but the Summer Sun Celebration was just about to kick off. Back downstairs, we encountered the Elements minus Twilight, Spike, and Discord.  They seemed concerned about the unfolding disaster. Just then, Braeburn stumbled in, glassy-eyed and sluggish.  “Earth ponies sick... Food missin'... can't... bake... anythin'...”  He flopped on the floor. It had taken me a second to recognize him.  He wasn’t a cyborg in this universe. Shame. Next, a Royal Guard burst into the room, gesticulating wildly out the windows.  “Something is wrong with the weather! Storms, hurricanes, fog – you name it! It’s a disaster out there!” And finally, a group of sequin-clad unicorns came in.  The one in the lead announced, “Inform her highness that we will not be performing!  A simple fireworks show is beneath us! We’re better than that! Talk about getting hit with a triple-whammy.  “Everything was fine a minute ago!” Applejack exclaimed. “It’s total chaos out there now!” Rainbow added, her face pressed to the window. “Don’t look at me,” said Discord, who nonetheless looked amused. “What are we going to do?” Fluttershy hyperventilated. “Do about what?” asked Twilight, arriving just then. Applejack opened her mouth, but Rainbow jumped in front of her.  “Nothing! We were just saying that we don’t have anything to do now that everything’s ready!” “Well if that’s all,” said Twilight, laughing.  “Thanks for setting everything up like I asked you to.  This is going to be the best Summer Sun Celebration ever.” She walked away, completely ignoring Braeburn, the guard, the fireworks ponies, and the raging storm outside. Lemon glanced at me.  “Now I think I can understand how you get away with just sunglasses.” Meanwhile, everyone else was trying to figure out what to do since they had just lied to Twilight.  Well, almost everyone. “Explain to me why we didn’t just tell her the truth,” Applejack demanded. “Twilight is finally learning not to let her stress get the better of her,” Rarity pointed out.  “If she finds out everything went wrong, it could be devastating!” “Let's just fix it all before she notices,” suggested Pinkie. “We’d need a miracle,” Spike moaned. I stepped forward and whipped off my sunglasses.  “I believe I can be of service.” Reactions were mixed.  My favorite was Discord, all set up to be a saviour messiah at Spike’s comment, getting forgotten by everyone else. “Well...what should we do?” Rarity said. “First of all, Applejack’s in charge, like she should have been from the beginning.” Applejack gulped, but then put on a brave face.  “Alright. We need to figure out what the problem is and fix it.” “I know where to start,” I said.  “Look at Braeburn. He’s obviously had his magic drained.  It looks exactly like what Tirek did to ponies.” “That’s impossible, Tirek is locked in Tartarus!” said Rainbow. “When was the last time you checked?” There was an uncomfortable silence. Applejack said, “We’ll figure it out when we have time.  What next?” I directed, “Discord, use your cheaty magic to unsuck Braeburn’s soul.” Discord shrugged and snapped his fingers. Braeburn was up on his hooves in a flash.  He took a huge, deep breath, staring into the distance while his eyes seemed to be projecting a light show.  In a tiny voice he said, “I can see the air.” “Cool, back to the kitchen with you.”  I turned to the frazzled guard. “You said something was wrong with the weather?” He nodded.  I pointed at Rainbow.  “Go fix it.” “Is that it?” she complained. “You’re fast, you work with weather, and you don’t like micromanagement.” Rainbow still wanted to be angry, but she couldn’t find anything to argue about in my words, so she went. Finally, I turned to the troupe of fireworks ponies.  “And what’s your problem?” The mare I took to be the leader said, “It’s demeaning as unicorns to waste our talents on something so inconsequential as a fireworks display!  The most powerful ponies in the land are not meant to be mere performers!” “Oh, a race riot.”  I shook my head. “Okay, let me break this down for you.  You were paid by the crown to perform, right?” “Yes, but-” “So to do otherwise would be a breach of contract.”  I leaned forward and lowered my voice. “Do you remember the fine print?” “Uh...no.” Of course not, which was good, because I was pulling this out of my ass.  “Then I’m sure you’ll understand when I remind you that breach of our contract carries penalty of death.  No pony has dared break a deal with the castle for entertainment services in nearly five hundred years, when a juggler was executed for canceling a show due to catching a cold.” I turned away.  “Also, you’re racist, so when you get finished with the show, come see me for some individual counseling.” The group of them hurried away. “Alright,” I said to everyone else, “I guess we’ll have to kill Tirek.” “Er, we have to find him first,” said Rarity, looking distraught, but grateful for an excuse to object. “Speaking of villains, when was the last time anyone checked on Sombra in the dungeon?” There was another uncomfortable silence. “Get it done, Applejack.”  I started to walk away. Lemon glared at me.  I paused. “What?” “You just casually spread mayhem as if you don’t even care about the work it creates for me.” I gestured.  “None of this was my fault, so if your assigned job is following me around to clean up my messes, then you don’t have to do anything.” She blinked.  “Oh.” “Now follow me, because I’m going to go mess with Twilight.” I found her upstairs talking with Celestia and Luna.  Unfortunately, I had forgotten to put my sunglasses back on and was spotted. “There you are, Valiant.”  Celestia held up a piece of paper.  “Somepony tried to submit a fake resignation letter for you.” “What are you talking about?” I said.  “It’s real. That’s my signature.” “Signatures can be forged,” said Luna.  “On top of that, the letter was obviously not written by you.” Well, that was true, but, “No, really, I want to resign.” “In the end, you are merely the Chief of Staff and your word can be overruled by us,” said Luna. “So you still have the job,” Celestia finished.  “You’re still married, too. You and Lemon Pledge make a cute couple.” “Screw you!  You can’t make me do anything!” Luna spoke.  “When one is immortal...let’s say we can be very patient.” I tried a different tactic.  “Speaking of patient, how about how you’re just rushing Twilight into power?  What’s the deal with that? Are you trying to get out of a job you hate?” “She’s qualified,” Celestia said, ignoring my ironic point. “Bullshit.  Just the other day she damn near lost her marbles over a game of trivia.”  I pointed to the small sky-changing device Twilight was carrying. “She still can’t actually do your job of raising and lowering the sun without help.  On top of that, her friends lie to her because they’re too afraid of what she might do if she found out that all her carefully laid plans for the Summer Sun Celebration went awry.” “What!?” Twilight shouted. “I hate my government job, but even I can see this transfer of power isn’t going to work!”  I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. “I have half a mind to bitchslap the shit out of you for not doing your job right.” “Jeeze mister, I just work here,” said a mare wearing lingerie. I blinked.  Why the hell was I in a strip club? “Valiant, why are we in a strip club?” said Lemon, sitting beside me. Oh shit, it happened again.  Timeskips seemed to be happening more and more often.  I gathered my wits as quickly as I could and said, “I know why I’m here.  Why are you in a strip club?” “I followed you, because I’m still cleaning up your messes.”  She glared at me. “Fair enough.” I blinked.  “When did you get so jacked?”  I hadn’t expected this at all. Tinkerbell she was not.  Tankerbell, maybe. I wouldn’t have even noticed if she had been wearing her usual maid outfit.  “Also, why aren’t you wearing your uniform?” She glared at me, veins popping out in her forelegs.  “One, cleaning up your increasingly large messes. Two, I didn’t want to get confused with one of the performers.” “You don’t have to say it like that,” said the stripper defensively. “What’s your name?” I asked.  I always made a point to ask strippers their names because the answer was usually interesting. “Plot Twist,” she replied. For a stripper in Equestria, it was honestly hard to tell if that was her stage name or her given name. “I’m surprised you don’t remember me,” she said. Lemon turned to me.  “Do you come here that much?” “I was talking to you,” Plot Twist said. Lemon’s head jerked towards her so fast I heard the bones in her neck pop, only supported by the massive cords of muscle.  “Excuse me!?” “Your father used to come here,” said Plot Twist.  “He stopped bringing you when he thought you might start remembering.” A look slid across Lemon’s face.  It was the repressed-memories-long-buried-have-now-surfaced-and-oh-shit-I-was-too-young-to-know-what-was-happening-then-but-in-hindsight-oh-my-God face. Plot Twist said to me, “But I recognize you too.” it was my first time coming to the strip club in this universe, and in the other universe it was usually because Pinkie dragged me along.  So unless this stripper could see through time and space, it meant she knew me from somewhere else. Or that I had come here previously during one of my blackout moments. “If I give you a hundred bits, will you enumerate for me the exact details of every time you’ve encountered me?” I said. “Weird fetish, but okay.” “I’m afraid you won’t be telling him anything,” said a voice.  Another mare approached. She wore a jacket. Despite being in the dim strip club, she also wore sunglasses.  There was something about her, but I couldn't quite figure out what. She handed me a small key.  I looked at it in confusion.  “What’s this?” “You’ll need it.” “I will?”  I looked at where the newcomer was currently strangling the stripper.  “Why are you choking that bitch?” The sunglasses-wearing mare smirked.  “Don’t worry about it.” She dragged Plot Twist away. “Well that was weird,” I said.  “I wonder who she was?”