//------------------------------// // However much we Might wish Otherwise // Story: TiM: Gone, not Forgotten // by Twidashforever //------------------------------// Radiant Star’s Bedchambers Lying in bed Radiant was forced to admit that Nightshade had a point. Cookies and milk did indeed make a great bedtime snack. Dayspring, Nightshade, and Radiant had left the throne room for the kitchen, the shock of the little filly’s words weighing heavily on the two old ponies. Their shock didn’t last. It was hard to feel anything but happiness and love when around that particular filly. Her kind heart tended to override any other emotions one might experience. I bet she really could make Tartarus smile like a foal, Radiant thought, grinning himself as he finished off his glass of warm milk. The cookie debacle had been rather fun too. Nightshade liked her cookies and milk warmed up, something Radiant hadn’t understood until he’d been browbeaten into trying. He’d been forced to go back and try again three separate times before he’d gotten it right. Dayspring and Radiant both knew that Nightshade was simply playing them in order to stay up as late as she could. And in truth, after their conversation in the throne room, they welcomed the distraction. It was good to smile, to laugh, and to feel love after something like that. Thoughts of their conversation, of what was discussed stole the grin from Radiant’s muzzle. He sighed before laying down on his bed. His thoughts quickly turned to the words Nightshade had spoken in the throne room. “Was that really you, my love? Did you send her down?” Radiant asked the ceiling as he raised a hoof up into the air. He couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed when there wasn’t an answer. Sighing, Radiant lowered his hoof and rolled over. Normally he’d have enjoyed the fresh linens and warm blanket. But tonight his mind was far too busy, its thoughts outpaced any feelings his body might have interjected. Dreams, that’s the common link. Did she dream you? Did I dream you? Was Nightshade right, did you find a way to reach me? Is it… is it because I lost you and you’re helping me find you? “You must be so disappointed in me,” he said to the air. “I promised you, I told you I’d prove myself worthy of you, and I’ve failed. I’ve battled titans, revenants, and gods yet I couldn’t manage that one last thing. I couldn’t manage to live my life without you.” The silence filled the air, almost as if it stood in judgement of him. “Why did you come to me now? After all these years what’s changed? Did Eros let you?” Silence. “You want me to find you. What does that even mean? Do you exist? Are you out there? Am I supposed to storm Hades for you? If that’s what you want, I’ll do it. I’ll do it hogtied with my horn cut off. I’d crawl there for you. I’d do… I do anything. Please, let me know.” If you’d do anything for her, why couldn’t you keep your promise? At that thought, Radiant shut his eyes and sat up, his hind legs hanging off the side of his bed. “It’s… it’s so hard. I can’t just act like everything’s okay. I just can’t. I miss her, I miss her every second of every minute of every hour of every day. And yet… yet time moves on. This castle is full of ponies that never knew her, that’d never even seen her. Ponies are born that have never heard her name.” Life doesn’t stop just because someone‘s gone. You know that full well. “It should,” he argued with himself, somehow losing the conversation and making himself feel worse in the process. He jumped out of bed and got to his hooves. Radiant made his way to the window, looking for something, anything to distract himself from his own thoughts. When your argument is that of a foal you tend to need to change the subject. “Shut up,” Radiant all but growled as he looked out the window. The Crystal Empire that night was resplendent. A small fresh layer of snow covered everything, allowing the buildings to shimmer ever so slightly in the moonlight. The streets were covered as well, providing the illusion of pure untouched symmetry. With a hot drink and the right company, it’d have been a perfect night so simply enjoy the sights. Radiant huffed and closed the window, then returned to his bed. He had neither of those things at the moment, and as such, wanted nothing to do with the sights. He’d just wanted… hoped that he’d see the blue light again, that Nightshade was right, that she’d find some way to return again. She’d have loved it. For the first time that night he didn’t disagree with himself. “Firestar, why do you waste your time on me. How was I worth it? What did you… what did you even see in me? You’d have been better off without ever… without ever even knowing me.” Radiant rolled over and pulled his sheets up. “At least then… then you’d be alive and I’d be dead in a ditch somewhere. Exactly where I belong.” Radiant shot up, throwing the covers off as a very familiar smell reached his nostrils, again. “You… you came back.” Without even checking, he teleported himself to the extent of his abilities, landing with a ‘umph’ several hooves out of the castle’s walls. Radiant pulled himself from the snow and looked around for the light. His eyes darted too and fro until, at last, they fell upon it. “The… the training arena?” He shook the fresh snow off and started running as fast as he could to the training arena. Cresting the top of the stairs, Radiant looked down to a scene from a painting. The same blue light shone in the middle of the field. The same blue waves flowed from it in alternating directions. His mind went blank as he saw her again. Firestar stepped from the light and pawed the snow like a cat seeing it for the very first time. She rolled a small amount into a ball and tossed it high into the sky. She raised her head to watch it as it fell apart, coating her in soft snowfall of her own making. To Radiant, she’d never looked as gorgeous in all the time he’d known her. The unicorn made his way down the stairs, doing his absolute best not to trip and fall on the way down. He didn’t know if he could actually hurt himself in a dream, but he didn’t want to find out either. After all, he didn’t want to miss a second of this. Firestar stretched her back like a cat. She began stretching, almost as if she was warming up. The pegasus started with her wings, first the right, then left, then her legs. Radiant took this moment to re-familiarize himself with every inch of her body that he could see. He stared at every contour, every curve, every feather. Firestar arched her front shoulders, flexing them over and over again as one might after a long sleep. Radiant finally made the field. He walked over to his love. Ready to share another night with her, another gift he never thought he’d get again. “Firestar, it’s really y—” Smack! Radiant almost did a one-eighty, the speed and power in her hoof shocking him to his core. He landed on his flank stunned into absolute silence. The burning sensation on his cheek and the loose tooth almost went unnoticed by the unicorn. “Wha… why?” Firestar didn’t say a thing. She simply glared at him. Her face was one that said ‘I love you, but you bucked up’. Radiant rubbed his muzzle, feeling the sting as a sharp contrast to the cold weather. “Okay, yes, I probably deserved that.” In response Firestar simply raised an eyebrow. Her expression telling him to try again. “I definitely deserved that?” She sat back on her flank, closing her eyes and nodded sharply, once. “I deserved that,” Radiant repeated. At that the harshness in her demeanor changed. Firestar got up and walked over, kissing him on the cheek. It soothed the burning but did little for the pain in his mouth. Radiant made to stand up but was stopped when Firestar unexpectedly pushed him over onto his back. The mare stood over him and looked him muzzle to muzzle. She wants something from me. What is it? Radiant thought as he tried to hold her gaze. For the first time since they’d been together, Radiant found that next to impossible, the shame at his confession earlier weighed heavily upon him, especially as he was looking at the mare who he made the promise to dead in the eye. However, just as in life, this ‘dream’ version wouldn’t let him go until she got exactly what she wanted from him. “It’s because I broke my promise to you, isn’t it.” In reply, Firestar did nothing. “Because I said I wanted to… I wanted to die?” Still nothing. It finally dawned on the stallion. “I… I know why you’re mad.” Firestar closed her eyes and gestured for him to continue with a small head nod. “It’s because I still haven’t learned. I still don’t know what you see in me. I still see myself as unworthy of you, that I’m not worth your time and you shouldn’t… you shouldn’t bother with me.” In reply Firestar pressed her hoof on his chest, she pressed firmly, but didn’t apply any pressure down. “I’m not! You shouldn’t… you shouldn’t waste your time on me…” She applied pressure, far-far more than he’d ever thought possible. The Titan falling on him did so with less force than that one hoof. Radiant grunted, unable to even scream out as pain washed over him. Then, just as suddenly, it stopped. He opened his eyes to see that she was off him. “It… it really is you, isn’t it?” Radiant asked between deep breaths as he got up. Firestar looked at him, her expression was one of hurt, hurt that’d it took him this long to figure that out. “You’d never let me be this pitiful when you were alive either.” Those words brought back the smile, the most beautiful smile in all of Equestria. “How… how is this possible? Did Eros grant you… us this boon?” Firestar looked past him, to the north, an uncertain expression on her face. “It was you that woke Nightshade up, you sent her to me, didn’t you?” At those words, she walked up and nuzzled him, as if to say, ‘of course’. He nuzzled back, taking deep breaths of her scent. “Thank you. I needed that.” The double entendre of his thanks weighed heavily in the air. Her hoof wrapped around him, applying pressure in a deep hug. One he welcomed, one that he became deeply self-conscious about when it found a fat fold and started to squeeze lightly, as if unsure just what it was touching. Radiant pulled back, embarrassed as Firestar moved in closer to inspect Radiant’s frame. She pawed the fat-fold and several more with her hoof in total disbelief at what she was seeing. Disbelief at how fat he’d become. “I… it’s… you’ve been gone a while and I…” Radiant stammered. Firestar gave him a ‘are you for real with this’ look, turned around, and sashayed away. Her walk exaggerated to be almost a trot, her tail flinging back and forth in an extravagant motion, her head held high like a noble that just saw a pile of dirt on the floor. Radiant gaped in total disbelief as she turned and left, making for the light. “You can’t be serious!” he shouted. She paused right before reaching the light, turned her head to look at him, and then threw a snowball directly at his muzzle. This one, unlike the one she’d thrown before, didn’t break up in the air. It collided with his gaping maw. Radiant wiped the snow from his muzzle, his mind racing at what had just occurred. She… she pranked me, from beyond the grave she… His eyes caught hers, the mischievous look she gave him unmistakable. “You little minx,” Radiant said with a laugh as he got up and started to run after her. Firestar smiled and ran as well, right across the field and to the track. Radiant grinned as he followed. The mare was fast, just as fast as she’d been in life. However, she stayed on the ground, giving Radiant a chance. It was—technically—cheating, but Radiant didn’t follow the same path she’d taken, not exactly. He cut across the corner, making up ground. Firestar made him pay for that. As soon as the stallion made the track she increased her speed, leaving an almost comical trail of dust in her wake. Radiant grunted through it. The energy he’d felt pent up in him today returned tenfold. He focused, giving himself to this chase, this opportunity to do something that mattered, to prove himself, to her, and to himself. One last time. For her part, Firestar kept stealing glances back to him. She’d look over her shoulder every time Radiant increased his speed, every time he’d start to gain on her, and run just a little faster. Radiant felt his heart in his throat as he ran. He focused as hard as he could, pushing every fiber in his body to the brim and then beyond. He gave himself to this, to this run, this last chance to show her, and himself, just who he was, what he was made of. They rounded the fourth corner, Firestar ten hooves away from him. He pushed harder than ever in a zealous frenzy to catch up. Nine, eight, seven hooves. Closing the distance gave him extra motivation. The stallion felt his muscles burn throughout his body. But, at this moment, his body could be damned as far as he cared. She was in front of him, within his reach, all he had to do to get her was to catch her. He’d said he was willing to do anything for her, this was his chance to prove it. Six, five, four hooves. The two rounded the first corner again, leaving puffs of fresh snow in their wake as they raced for all their worth. Fifteen years ago, this would have been a normal day in the Crystal Empire. But those times were in the past, this event, once so common, now existed only in dreams. That didn’t matter to Radiant. If anything he found himself more motivated than ever as he dug deep, deeper than he’d done in a long time. Radiant forced his body’s protests to the back of his mind. Right now his heart was in control, it was the only thing that mattered. Three, two hooves. Radiant felt his front hooves come down on the ground, hard. He cried out as something tore in his front shoulder, the pain radiating up his body and lancing into his brain. Experience told him that he’d just torn a muscle tendon in his right shoulder. Logic told him the race was over, that he’d be lucky to not fall on his muzzle after that. His heart bucked logic right in the face. Radiant’s back hooves came down and kicked off the ground, lifting him up and at Firestar with all the strength he could find. Radiant crashed, muzzle first, into the ground. Snow rushed by him, filling his nostrils and mouth with the bitter taste of failure. The burning sensation from his shoulder increased, joining the new feeling of having ripped some of his fur off in the impact. His breathing deepened, tears started to reform in his eyes. The pain of his wounds was secondary to the pain of failure. A warm hoof touched the side of his muzzle. Radiant opened his eyes and looked up, right into the blue eyes of his lost love. “You idiot. I never loved you because you were the best, or because you always kept your promises. I loved you because you always tried, you always give it your all, no matter how much it might hurt.” Despite the pain, joy returned to Radiant’s heart at the words his wife spoke. “I had to make sure that my husband was still in there. That you were still him. Glad to know that I was right.” “Y-you can talk?” The mischievous grin returned to her muzzle. “And of everything, that’s the thing you say to me, really?” “I-I-I didn’t think you could…” Firestar bent down and whispered to him, “That’s because you’re my idiot. Leave the thinking to smarter ponies.” Radiant found himself laughing at that. The pain in his chest hurt, his exhaustion and injuries taking their toll, but he just couldn’t stop. Firestar kissed him on the forehead before quickly glancing to the east, the sunrise had started. Radiant saw it too. “We’re almost out of time, aren’t we?” She nodded. “Radiant, something’s off. This connection isn’t natural. I feel… I feel split. I’m dreaming too, in my Elysium, but even when I wake I feel disconnected. I need you to find out why.” “What… what’s going on?” Radiant asked, the concern evident in his voice. “I don’t know. I think I’m in your world, but not. I think I exist in both now. I need you to find me, out here.” “Where?” Radiant asked, worry written on his muzzle. “To the north. The mountains. I think… I feel myself there,” Firestar said as she started to fade. “Firestar, wait.” “Make it quick,” Firestar replied as she glanced back over her shoulder at the quickly rising sun. “Are you… are you okay, where you are I mean?” Firestar’s smile lit up as she faded away, her words left behind on the wind. “Well it is paradise after all. That being said, even paradise can feel a little lonely at times.” That made Radiant smile too. He smiled until the sun rose in the sky, all but blinding him and forcing him to close his eyes.