“No, wait a minute.” Bean grabbed a few papers from his left and brought the fine print to within an inch of his muzzle. “I swear I signed off on that back on page nine. Or was it page ten?”
“It was page ten, my love,” Celestia offered with a small snicker before studying the unfinished painting before her. “Hmm. I think I need a touch of burnt umber for your mane.”
“Then why am I signing off on it again?”
“You only signed off on the first third of the order. This signature is for the second third.”
“Do I dare ask why it’s divided up into thirds? That doesn’t make any sense. And why is there a fourth third to this?”
Celestia smiled as she mixed two of the paints on her palette into one with a flat blade. “If I ever find out the answer to that, I’ll be sure to tell you.”
Bean leaned back in his chair, drew in a long breath, and cast a wary eye over the mountains of paper that infested his desk. “Are you really sure this is just one day’s worth of work? I get the feeling you kept a few weeks’ worth just so I could get initiated by fire.”
“And what if I did?” Celestia challenged from under half-lidded eyes. “What sort of punishment would you dare to impose upon your beloved Princess for such a heinous crime?”
“I’d probably try to kiss you to death and fail miserably,” he replied with a smirk. “I could never punish you.”
Celestia hummed a warm note to this, and her eyes twinkled with delight. “No, I don’t suppose you ever could, and that makes me happier than you realize.”
“Why should I punish you when I can love you instead?” he quipped as he signed the paper in front of him. “I know friendship is magic and all that, but I would make the argument that your love is more magical than even that.”
“You are a shameless flirt,” Celestia replied with a small grin, “and I hope you never stop.”
“No worries there,” he replied as he pulled another document in front of him and began to read.
“Burnt umber, Celly?” a familiar and slightly chaotic voice asked from nowhere, and with a flash of light, a bucket of Duck Buoy’s Royal Plaid paint⁽*⁾ appeared by her side. “I hate to question a master, but I should think that plaid would be a far more vibrant option for Bean-o’s portrait. Here, I can even give you a template to work with,” he offered with a loud snap.
(*) For all your pony-painting needs, both large and small. Ask about our country-wide size, to give your subjects a new view on life. When shopping for paint, don’t forget Duck Buoy’s, the sponsor of this show.
—
“Hey, stop that!” Bean tried to twist away from the oversized roller brushes as they applied a layer of tartan to his coat, but they were relentless and fast. “Gah! Not there! I’m ticklish there!”
“Interesting.” Celestia scrutinized Bean’s new plaid coloration as Discord slithered out of a rip in the fabric of reality and produced an easel and a fresh canvas next to hers. “But you need to take into consideration the setting and the lighting. I selected burnt umber because my Bean’s mane takes on a reddish hue in the twilight of the day, and I have him here in repose during the early evening hours.”
“I bet you have him in repose.” Discord waggled one eyebrow with a sly grin as an afro wig appeared on his head. “But really. Perhaps you should consider some phthalo blue? It could be the beginnings of your postmodernist interpretation of epistemological nihilism, all wrapped up in a bright yellow package.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about, do you Discord?” Bean said as he tried to rub away the paint from one foreleg.
“Not a clue, but that’s not why I’m here.” Discord slathered the head of a mop in a bucket of forest green and then applied it to his own canvas. “You’ve missed your last four tea dates with Fluttershy and me, Bean-o, and that’s very unprofessional of you. You did say you would attend the next umpteenth tea dates, and we’re only to teenth, at best.”
“And you said you’d keep an eye on Starlight,” Bean countered, and with a shrug, he gave up on removing his new look. “Besides, I thought I told you that my physical therapy is on Tuesdays. I’ve enjoyed having tea with you—really, I have—but I’ve got to get my leg healed up. I don’t want to be hobbling around for the rest of my life.”
“I suppose that is rather important,” Discord grumbled. “But what am I going to do without your tea cakes and scones, Bean? Even Fluttershy was telling me that she would trade at least three of her friends for the recipe for those blueberry muffins you made for our last get-together.”
“She would?” Bean paused and smirked. “Let’s see. Tell her I’ll take Twilight, Rarity, and Applejack. If she throws in Rainbow Dash, I’ll include the directions for the spiced cider I plan on making after the Running of the Leaves.”
“Not Pinkie Pie?” Discord gasped. “Bean! You surprise me. You’ve been a Prince for less than a year and already you’re trying to form a harem. For shame, Bean-o. That’s for the other story.”
“Yeah, well, I’m just full of surprises,” Bean mumbled around the steel-tipped wooden quill in his mouth. “Celly, you’re okay with the date for the Running of the Leaves, right?”
“Yes. It’s held on the same second Saturday every year, so I’m not quite sure why the committee keeps asking for approval to hold it then.”
“Follow up question, if I may: I have a hard time believing that there are enough runners here in Canterlot. Most of the nobility that I’ve met would never stoop to such a horrible, sweat-inducing activity.”
Celestia nodded as she tapped her canvas with a fine tipped brush. “I am afraid that the event is inaccurately named. It would be called The Picking of the Leaves based on what actually happens, but the Running of the Leaves is older than Canterlot is. The name carried over from the various villages when ponies began to settle here.”
“It was far more interesting when I was in charge,” Discord said as he sat next to Bean, produced a pair of bifocals, and scrutinized one of the documents before the Prince. “In Celestia’s Equestria, you knock the leaves out of the trees, but in my Equestria, the trees knocked the leaves out of you. It was so much fun, I was going to proclaim a Leaf Running on every Friday, but then Celly and Luna had to show up with their stoner act and ruin everything.”
“Gee, I wonder why they stopped you,” Bean deadpanned.
“Oh, some complaint about it hurting the little ponies. I suppose they had a point, but we could have talked it over.” Discord flipped the page he was looking at, glanced at the words, then flipped it back over. “Bean-o, I think you have an infestation going on. These papers are beginning to multiply and mutate.”
“That would explain a lot of things.”
“No, seriously. This one isn’t a law, or even an ordinance.”
Bean glanced over at the page in Discord’s paw. “Oh. That’s the first page of my novel, Discord. I was hoping to work on it a bit more once I get done with all of this.”
“You’re still working on that?” Discord asked. “I thought you had it finished and published months ago.”
Bean frowned. “Hey, cut me a little slack. I’ve been a little busy and a little foalnapped lately.”
“That’s no excuse, Bean-o. You’ve been working on this for a couple of years now.”
“No I haven’t,” Bean countered. “I didn’t even know I wanted to be a writer until earlier this year.”
“What?” Discord scoffed. “No way. I swear you’ve been writing for at least two years now.”
“My dear Bean is right, Discord,” Celestia chimed in. “He began writing this novel shortly after our marriage a few months ago.”
“Huh.” Discord pulled out a calendar, which promptly began dropping pages until the floor was ankle-deep in dates. “Seems like it’s been a lot longer.”
“With everything I’ve been through, it does feel like it,” Bean admitted. “Honestly, I’ve had enough excitement for at least two lifetimes already, so I hope things will remain calm for a while.”
“Bean-o, if I were you, I would expect a lot more excitement,” Discord said as he began to read the next page of Bean’s story. “Being married to Celestia practically guarantees that you’re going to be living la vida loca for quite some time to come.”
Bean glanced up to his wife, smiled, and blew her a kiss when she smiled back. “I think I can get used to that.”
“Say, I have an idea,” Discord offered as he removed his bifocals and fed them to his afro, which yipped in delight over the treat. “Why don’t we have Fluttershy come here, and we can have a make-up tea date?”
“You know, if you want my scones you can just say so,” Bean replied with a smirk.
“I’ll have you know that this has only something to do with those deliciously divine sugar discs you create,” Discord replied. “I am far more concerned with your mental health. You need to take a break and relax! All of this busywork can wait.” He prodded a lion-claw at Celestia and whispered loudly, “She’s contagious that way, you know.”
Bean moved the paper he’d just signed up to the top of a pile, and he drew in another long breath with an equally long look over the sea of parchment before him. “I do have to admit that a break would be nice. What do you think, Celly?”
A hoof went to Celestia’s stomach, and a smile came with her words. “I do believe a small reprieve would be ideal. I am feeling a bit peckish, and I think a few of your scones would make Epiphany happy as well.”
“That settles it, then,” Bean said, and Discord squealed in delight. “I’ll head down to the kitchen and get to work. Shouldn’t take very long.”
“Wonderful!” Discord cheered as he snagged Bean and gave him a hug. “No time to waste! I can just taste them now!”
There was a bright flash of light, and the two were gone. Celestia chuckled a bit as her magic began to put her painting supplies away, but the hoof on her stomach began to rub in small circles.
“I hope he took that plaid paint off; I prefer my Bean in his natural colors. I wonder if you’ll call him Uncle Discord. I imagine he would enjoy that. C’mon, my little Nilla. We should see if Wysteria and Junior would like to join us.”
* * ✹ * *
“Good afternoon, Your Highness,” Fluttershy offered with a deep bow and a small smile. “It’s very nice to see you again.”
“Good afternoon to you too, Fluttershy,” Celestia replied. “I do hope Discord didn’t pull you away from something important.”
“Oh, no. I was just going to meet Rarity for our spa date, but that can wait.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to interrupt what you already had planned.”
“It’s okay,” Fluttershy said to her hooves. “I know Discord has wanted to have tea with Prince Bean for a couple of weeks, and he even paid for Rarity to get the extra strength, hot stone deep tissue massage. She looked kinda comfortable with Bulk Biceps when I left, so I’m sure everything will be fine.”
“Well, if you’re sure,” Celestia replied with a bit of wariness in her voice. “Everything is already set up in the dining room. I took the liberty of inviting a few extra guests, if that’s all right.”
“Of course, Princess. You can invite anypony you like.”
Celestia smiled warmly, her magic pushed the doors to the dining room open, and both of them were then enveloped in a huge Discord hug.
“Fluttershy, my dear!” he proclaimed. “So good of you to come! I was worried you wouldn’t be able to make it.”
“Um, you brought me here,” Fluttershy pointed out, but her statement went unheeded by the draconequus.
“And Celestia! How is our little seal in there doing? I do hope that you will let little Nilla learn about chaos theory from the unquestioned expert on the matter. A well-rounded education is essential for any young student of yours, and doubly so for your own flesh and blood.”
“I will consider the matter, but I can’t promise anything at the moment,” Celestia replied as Discord put them both down.
The conversation was interrupted by Wysteria’s familiar quiet regurgitation act, and a groan came as she finished feeding Missus Ficus for the third time that day. Fluttershy and Celestia both moved to her side, but when questioned about her illness, Wysteria weakly waved them away with a hoof and a half-smile.
“Honestly, I think some deerjeerling would help settle my stomach at the moment,” Wysteria said while trying to suppress an encore performance. “I’ve been a wreck ever since this morning.”
“Did something happen with Doctor Horsenpfeffer?” Celestia asked with her concern coating every word.
“I guess you could phrase it that way. We found out why my pregnancy symptoms are so horrible.”
“Because you’re pregnant?” Discord quipped.
Wysteria shot him a death glare before continuing. “I’m pregnant pregnant. Turns out the Inkwell Curse has struck again. I’m having twins.”
The overjoyed squeal that came from the two mares ripped Discord’s ears from his head and sent them flying across the room. Half a moment later, Bean burst in from the kitchens, a dripping whisk in his hoof raised and ready for anything, but he relaxed when he saw Wysteria wrapped up in a three-way hug and surrounded by joyful smiles.
“This is wonderful news!” Celestia proclaimed. “Have you told Quillpoint yet?”
“I did before I came here. I think he’s just outside, trying to process exactly what I said.”
“That explains the vacant stare and the twitching eye,” Discord said as he pulled his head back through the solid wall. “Have you told anypony else?”
“My parents and my sister, but nopony else. I’ve been too queasy to do much else today.”
“Well, we should share the good news immediately!” Discord snapped his talon, and with another flash, Shining Armor and Princess Cadence appeared in the dining room, their lips locked firmly together and oblivious to the change in their surroundings.
Cadence was the first to notice the sudden change in location, after a few moments of pleased pony noises, and she had to place a hoof on her husband’s chest to push herself free from his tongue tango. The two quickly stammered a greeting, but Shining’s grin remained set at pleased while Cadence asked about the unexpected summons.
“Haven’t you heard the good news yet?” Discord swept Wysteria up into a hug, which turned her face green and send her glasses flying. “We’re having twins! Isn’t that just delightful?”
“You’re having twins?” asked Cadence with a puzzled expression that rapidly turned into wide-eyed joy with an excited squeal. “Wysteria’s having twins! That’s wonderful!”
“And you’re going to have an unpleasant mess all over you unless you put me down right now!” Wysteria managed through gritted teeth.
“Wysteria, I’m so happy for you!” Cadence offered as she sidestepped and allowed the secretary to make her way back to Missus Ficus. “I don’t know if the Crystal Empire has ever had a dual Crystalling! Shiny, we’ll have to find out how to do that as soon as we get back.”
“I’m sure Amethyst Maresbury will be able to get us the information,” Shining replied. “But couldn’t you have just sent us a scroll? Cadence and I were just on our way to a—” he cleared his throat “—very important meeting.”
“I’m sure you were,” Discord replied with a waggle of his eyebrows. He then donned a derby hat, handlebar moustache, and monocle before adding “but I thought it would be simply smashing if you and the Princess could join us for a spot of tea. It’s been simply ages since His Most Royal Beanness has joined Fluttershy and myself in this simple indulgence, and I felt that inviting a few colleagues over would be quite splendid.”
Shining glanced to Cadence, and she shrugged with a small smile. “Oh, I suppose we could join you, but not for very long. Despite what you saw earlier, Shining and I really do have several important meetings we need to attend this afternoon.”
“I suppose we should get to it, then,” Discord said with a wave of a paw to the empty seats. “This way, please. The good Prince Bean should be done with the refreshments momentarily.”
“Wait! They’re not done yet!” Bean shouted as a tray of scones floated out of the kitchen and towards the table. “Tea first, tea first!”
“Oh, fine,” Discord grumbled while Bean grabbed the tray and rushed his creation back into the depths of his workshop. “I suppose we could enjoy some tea first.”
As if on cue, Celestia’s personal tea set then marched out of the kitchen and towards the table, led in a crisp double-time by a spoon-wielding sugar bowl and kept in formation by the flanking flatware. The entire troop somehow managed to salute to Celestia before arranging itself in the proper positions, but the teapot needed a sharp stab from the sugar to motivate it into filling the porcelain cups.
“There, now. Isn’t this quaint?” Discord asked. “I do so enjoy sharing tea with my friends.”
“This is nice,” Fluttershy softly said in agreement. “I don’t think I’ve ever had tea at the palace before.”
“If you would like, we can make arrangements to have tea here on occasion,” Celestia offered. “Having you and Discord is a delight,” she hesitated as she watched the sugar bowl add a spoonful of the granulated goodness it held within itself to her cup, “if not a bit more lively than what we usually experience. Oh, that’s enough sugar, thank you.”
“Here we go!” Bean announced as he emerged from the kitchens, a fresh layer of honey glaze atop his prepared scones. “Have as many as you like; I can easily cook up more if needed.”
There were a few moments of chatter as the treats and the sugar bowl made their way around the table, and most of it was centered on the delicious food that Bean had provided.
“Ah, these are easy,” he scoffed with an ill-hidden grin for the praise. “Next time I’ll add some raisins and raspberries. Those really bring out the flavor.”
“Shiny, we should serve a batch of these when that delegation from Trottingham comes next week,” Cadence said. “I bet they’d love them. Any chance we can borrow Bean?”
“Hey!” protested Shining Armor. “No stealing another alicorn’s husband!”
“My recipe book is at Your Highness’ disposal,” said Bean through his snickering. “My heart, however, will forever belong to another.”
“Wysteria, would you mind if I told my friends about your twins?” Fluttershy asked.
“Sure, though Raven may have beat you to the punch.”
“How did you go so long without knowing about the other one?” Shining asked. “It seems like the twins should have been found sooner.”
“Horsenpfeffer said I have one very outgoing foal and one very shy one,” Wysteria replied as she held her teacup to her nose and savoured the steamy aroma. “The little turkey was hiding behind the other one. Their heartbeats are strong enough now to hear them individually.”
“Do you think you’ll have more after this?”
“I hadn’t really thought about it,” Wysteria replied with a smile. “If I wasn’t so nauseous all the time, I’d be willing to talk to Quill about having a third.” She paused and winced. “Or a third and fourth. I suppose I’ll just have to survive this pregnancy first, and then I’ll figure it out.”
“Does your sister have any foals?”
Cadence gave her husband a curious glance, but he missed the look entirely. She then mouthed “he’s never asked questions like this before!” to Celestia and Bean as Wysteria answered.
“No, not yet. From what she tells me, the pickings are slim in Ponyville, but she also keeps mentioning a nice young stallion who’s caught her eye. If my glorious tales of seeing my lunch from both ends doesn’t turn her off to the idea, I would put some bits down on her starting a family here in short order.”
“WHEN, WHEN!” Discord bellowed. “Blast it all, when!”
The sugar bowl suddenly beat a hasty retreat, and Discord muttered something threatening but unintelligible as he brushed the small mountain of sugar out of his teacup, off the table, and into Cadence’s cup.
“Insolent piece of crockery,” he grumbled. “You really need to train your staff better here, Celestia.”
“I’ll schedule a staff meeting to handle the matter immediately,” she replied. “Though I do believe it is his first day on the job, so you should be a little more patient.”
“Fluttershy, may I ask you a crazy question?” Shining pressed on, unfazed in the slightest by the interruption.
“Oh. Well, I guess you could, Your Highness. What is it?”
“Have you ever thought about having foals of your own? I mean, you’re around all of those animals all day—cute animals, don’t get me wrong—and I’m sure they have babies of their own all the time. Has that ever,” he hesitated for a moment, “y’know, made you think of having one? Foal, I mean. Not a baby animal.”
Fluttershy’s blush burned brightly on her cheeks, and her gaze went to the tea in her cup. “Oh, I’ve thought about it once or twice, I guess. It’s hard not to think about foals when I’m taking care of those precious little lambs, or the adorable bunny kits. I don’t think I’m ready to have any foals of my own yet,” her eyes lifted from the cup and settled on Discord, “but when I find the one who was meant for me, just like Prince Bean and Princess Celestia, then I think I’ll want six or seven.”
The gentle and knowing smile that Fluttershy then gave to Discord nearly made him shoot tea out of his nose, but he somehow managed to stifle the unwanted action with a wierd, gagging-honking sort of noise that ended with tea dribbling out of his nostrils.
“Say, looks like we’re all out of scones,” Bean said, and he quickly grabbed the platter that had been holding his creations. “Shining, why don’t you help me make s’more? I can ask Chef Beet to get another batch going, too.”
Shining glanced to Cadence with some confusion, but she nodded and gestured with her head for him to follow Bean. “Make sure you get the biggest one for me, dear.”
“Um, sure. We’ll be right back.”
Celestia gave Bean a knowing smile as they stepped away from the table, and Bean was kind enough to hold the door for the Prince of the Crystal Empire. Once in the kitchen, the two of them walked towards the back corner that had been designated as Bean’s personal cooking space, and the Celestial Prince began to gather his needed ingredients.
“All right. Am I really that obvious?” Shining asked.
“What?” Bean asked with a smirk as he grabbed a large bag of sugar. “I have no idea why you would want to talk about having a foal of your own.”
“You have officially been hanging around Celestia too long,” Shining said with an amused snort. “It’s bad enough that every alicorn I know can read me like an open book, but it’s a bit disconcerting to think that you can, too.”
Bean scoffed at that. “Join the club. You knew that I felt overwhelmed and inadequate as soon as you met me. Celestia and Luna have always known how I feel, and Cadence has been pretty spot on so far, too. I bet your sister could pin down my emotions too, once she had a chance to confirm her findings with Starswirl’s Complete Guide to Pony Body Language or whatever.”
“Don’t tempt her.” Shining chuckled.
“So do you want to talk about it?” Bean asked as he began to measure out flour into a large mixing bowl.
Shining rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah, I’d like to. I just… I don’t know how to start.”
“Do you want to have one?”
It took a few moments, but Shining eventually nodded. “Yes. Mostly. I don’t know. But, yes. Look, it’s a huge step, and there isn’t just one answer,” he managed. “The little things all add up into big things, and the big things are huge! I mean we’re talking about another princess of Equestria, even if she isn’t an alicorn. Or a filly,” he added with a bit of well-suppressed hope. “I can handle diapers and feeding schedules and all that other stuff. It’s just... another one of us, made from both of us. I don’t think I can be a prince and husband and a father and the Captain of the Crystal Guard all at the same time. I may have to nominate somepony else to be Captain while I... adjust.”
“Would you have to resign?” Bean asked.
“No, there’s nothing that would force me to, other than my own feelings. In fact, most of the guards have families of their own. It’s just a lot to do, and to take care of.”
“It is,” Bean agreed as he added several large spoonfuls of sugar to his bowl. “Celly even wanted to hire a governess for Epiphany.”
“I hadn’t thought of that.” Shining rubbed his chin with a hoof. “A governess could take care of appointments and lessons, but I’m not sure that I like that idea.”
“That’s what I said. In the end, we decided to try to make do without one. I know that means I’m going to be playing peek-a-boo with Nilla while Celestia hears petitions during Day Court, but I want my daughter’s memories to be of me and my wife, not of someone who was paid to look after her.”
“Yeah. I don’t think Twily or I would have turned out the way we did if my parents hadn’t been there for us.” Shining paused, but then after a moment, he drew in a deep breath. “Bean, how do you know you’re ready? What made you say ‘I want to be a father?’”
“Well, that’s just it. I’m not ready,” Bean replied as he slowly added milk and an egg to his mix. “I can think of a dozen reasons why I shouldn’t be a father yet.”
“Really?” Shining hesitated, but then added “So, was this pregnancy an accident, then?”
“A planned, intentional, organized and discussed in great detail, sort-of accidental on purpose,” Bean replied. “Celly and I had talked about having a foal before I was abducted, and we had agreed that we wanted to have one. I think the only accidental part was that we weren’t expecting one so soon. I thought it was going to take a bit longer to get her twelve-hundred-year-old factory back up to full operational capacity, y’know? Clear out the cobwebs, lubricate the gears, that kind of stuff.”
“That’s one way to describe it,” Shining said with a laugh.
Bean nodded and chuckled. “Horsenpfeffer later told me that the factory was never idle to begin with. But when did I know I wanted to be a father? I think I realized that happened after I ran into Sego Lily for the second time. Celestia asked me if I still thought about what could have been, and I was able to tell her that I did not without any hesitation. Celestia was my wife, and I realized then that all of my doubts about my relationship with her had been destroyed and swept away by the love I felt. I knew I loved her then, and I wanted to experience everything with her, no matter how extravagant or mundane. It was that night that I knew I would be a father to her children, in time.
“I think it’s a bit like diving into catering some gigantic occasion, like a wedding or something. You’re never going to be able to cover every possible problem, so you’ve gotta be flexible and adapt to last-minute changes. If my parents had walked away every time a job went sideways on them, they’d have gone out of business a long time ago. It’s the same thing with life, really. If you get stuck on the details, you might miss your opportunity.”
“I suppose so,” Shining said. For a moment, Bean whisked the batter and thought over his next words, but once he was satisfied with them, he grinned slightly.
“For what it’s worth, I think you’d be an awesome dad. You’re dedicated, you’re kind, and you would do anything to keep Cadence and the crystal ponies safe. Trust yourself and your abilities. You’ll do great.”
“Cady sounds just like you.” Shining sighed and rolled his shoulders. “I dunno. It’s really easy to let my concerns make the decision for me.”
“And you should listen to them,” Bean offered. “Hand me that rolling pin right there, would you? Thanks. You don’t just want to rush into the decision, either. That’ll cause a whole heap of problems, too. Honestly, I think you’ll know when you’re ready to be a dad. Just give it a bit of time, and share your feelings with Cadence. It’s obvious she wants to help you with your feelings, just like you want to help her. Work together, and you’ll get the answer you both need.”
“You know I’m supposed to help you figure things out, right?” Shining chuckled. “I’ve been a prince longer than you have.”
“Oh, you’ve been an immense help,” Bean said with a warm smile. “And since you bring it up, I have a question.”
Shining perked up, and he stood just a bit straighter. “Whatcha got?”
“Who in their right mind decided that summary orders had to be signed off in thirds?” Bean exclaimed. “And how is it possible for there to be a fourth third?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” Shining said with a scoff. “For starters, there’s nopony throughout the whole bureaucracy in their right mind. You see...”
* * ✹ * *
Queen Chrysalis, the feared monarch of the Changeling Hive and Queen of All She Surveyed, drew in a heavy breath as her eyes slowly wandered over her throne room. At the moment, the cavernous space was devoid of drones, and that condition mirrored the bleak void that had taken up residence in the center of her chest.
Life had become dark and dreary for the ruler of Lovey Dovey Smoochy Land. Day by day, hour by hour, Chrysalis found the miasma of depression slowly taking over her life, sucking the joy and delight out of her activities in a way that was ironically similar to how Changelings consumed the emotions of others. There was no delight in punting a drone down a hallway anymore, no amusement in threatening overtime in the larva pits for those whom she wanted to torture for fun. Even her trademark sarcasm and snark had been suppressed, crushed by the weight of emotionless monosyllabic answers that merely allowed the hive to function.
Oftentimes, she wouldn’t even deign to speak. A simple wave of a hoof would convey her uninspired answer to a drone’s questions, and in the sounds of silence that followed, the cold emptiness would send a shiver of fear throughout her entire body.
Her wings twitched as one of those chilling stabs of barren nihility flooded her senses, and she drew in another heavy breath. Not even the thought of revenge against Celestia’s Bean could motivate her into action, despite the humiliations the pest had brought to her. All she wanted to do was sleep.
Sleep, and cry.
Her eyes slowly settled on the crossword puzzle book that sat at the base of her throne. The only relief from her depression had come from the precious puzzles contained in the book, but Chrysalis feared that the little bit of light that they provided would soon be smothered.
But for now it still worked. Her sickly green magic brought the book up and summoned a pencil, and with bared teeth at the challenge, the changeling queen began to work.
“Let me see. One across: ‘courteous and gallant, especially towards mares.’” Chrysalis’ pencil spelled out chivalrous in the boxes. “Just like my Hokey. Hmm. ‘Feeling or expressing deep affection, love, or admiration.’ That would be adoring, I suppose.”
The queen’s grin faltered as she read the next clue. “Relating to or involving gratification of the senses and physical or sexual pleasure.” She quickly wrote in sensual and moved on to the next clue. “Expressing feelings of gratitude, pleasure, or approval in an unrestrained or heartfelt manner. Hmpf, that would be effusive.”
The grin disappeared completely as Chrysalis found the next answer to be fulsome, and the one after that to be monogamy. This book was pushing its luck and her patience.
Devotion was next, followed by fidelity, and Chrysalis grunted. She was beginning to feel one of her more familiar emotions, but if this book was one of her minions, it would know that its life expectancy was rapidly diminishing because of it.
“Fondness,” Chrysalis’ growl pitched up to a screech as she continued. “Kissing. Snuggles, Wing hug, Nuzzling! Intimacy!”
The paperback book spontaneously combusted at that point, leaving a pile of ash in the lap of the fuming Queen. Even her beloved crosswords had turned against her! No matter where she ran, or what she did, that thrice-cursed Hokey Pokey invaded her every waking moment, turning her life into a living nightmare that she could not rouse herself from.
This was ridiculous. Who was the Queen of the Changelings, after all? She was the most powerful creature in Equestria⁽*⁾, the most beautiful and the most wise. She had laid Celestia low twice, after all, once at Cadence’s wedding and then again when she chased the Sun Princess through the wreckage of her castle, blasting her at every opportunity⁽¹⁾. In both cases, she had been betrayed by circumstances⁽²⁾, and no mere slip of a Royal Guard could stand before her might!
⁽*⁾In her opinion.
⁽¹⁾As she preferred to remember.
⁽²⁾And minions, and many other things outside of her control.
—
A small sneeze cut through her silent rage, and Chrysalis snorted as her eyes snapped to the source. A tiny hatchling had somehow toddled into the throne room, and the grub had the audacity to glance around the cavernous throne room of its Queen with wide-eyed wonder and a touch of delight.
“What are you doing in here?” Chrysalis whispered in a barely restrained rage. “I gave explicit orders that I was not to be disturbed.”
The ignorant infant turned at the sound of Chrysalis’ voice, and all of the Queen’s rage melted away when those large, trusting eyes connected with the Queen. A swell of love surged out of Chrysalis’ empty core, and for the briefest of moments, she imagined herself as the one who could provide the care and nurturing that this bug would need.
Yes, she could just see it now. She, the beautifully resplendent Queen, would sweep into the very center of that miserable pony stronghold known as Canterlot undetected. She would steal… er, liberate her one and only Hokey Pokey from the legions of guards that would dare to oppose her, and they would be mated as soon as her hooves hit the hive once more. A momentary thought made Chrysalis frown, and consider her relative lack of experience in that regard.
“I wonder just when I’m supposed to bite his head off,” she mused. “Well, that will wait.”
There would be dozens of little grubs, too. Wonderful grubs who would be endowed with the power of ponies and the natural grace and charms of the changelings. The vigor of these hybrids would render her and her hive unstoppable.
It was all there, right for the taking. All she would need was—
“MANDIBLE!” she bellowed as she scooped the tinyling up and tickled a laugh out of it with a belly rub. “GET IN HERE!”
A loud thump came from the other side of the throne room doors, followed by a series of scuffling scrapes that sounded like somebuggy was pushing Mandible into the room against his will. For a few moments, the bug in question tried to stop the inevitable by throwing all four legs against the doorframe and screaming something about how Chrysalis was going to skewer him alive with a toothpick, but the combined effort of three other bugs finally managed to shove him into the room.
“Y-you bellowed, Your Majesty?” Mandible stammered from somewhere within the fetal position he’d taken.
“I’m going out,” Chrysalis replied as she gently booped the larva’s nose. “When I’ll be back is not your concern. If anything goes wrong in the meantime, I will hold you accountable for it. Do I need to elaborate on that?”
Mandible whimpered a bit and twitched, clearly remembering the last disciplinary session he’d been subjected to with his Queen. “No, Your Majesty. Your implications are quite clear.”
“Good. Take care of this little one, too,” she added. “It would be quite unfortunate if I return to find that she has been neglected in any way.”
“I’ll make sure she is taken care of,” Mandible said, and he uncurled just enough to take the toddler from his Queen.
“Good.” Chrysalis licked her lips, and for the first time in weeks, a delighted grin crossed her features. “Hang on, my sweet Hokey. This time, nothing shall keep us apart.”
* * ✹ * *
Many miles away, in the Canterlot barracks, Sergeant Hokey Pokey got out of bed and shuffled over to the window, giving it an extra push and rattling the latch. He could have sworn there had been a cold gust of wind across his bed a short while ago, but it must have just been his imagination.