Dear Princess Celestia,
I've been Headmistress of my school for a while now and it has been going great. It at least lasted longer than that dumb Friendship University that was approved by Chancellor Nodick. From what I've heard, the press has been constantly pestering him about how he allowed two con ponies to steal the bits of the ponies that he claims to look after. Ha!
Meanwhile, my school has been doing wonders without his EEA excrement! There's even this student named Cozy Glow that has been very helpful to me lately because she takes to heart the halfass friendship bullshit I've been teaching. I even considered replacing Vacuum Cleaner for her since he's been doing nothing but flaunting his wing boner at everyone now. I'm really proud of this overachieving student. I really saw myself in Cozy Glow.
That should've been the first warning sign.
Unfortunately, I didn't have time to ponder that thought as Starlight and Rainbow came running in and screaming about how the students from the class trip, that Rainbow took over for me, nearly dropped from the sky. You see, this is why Rainbow will never get the best teacher of the month award. Give her something to do and she fucks it up. Don't believe me? Ask Granny Smith.
But that was not all, my horn decided to have erectile dysfunction when I tried levitating a book. Apparently, something was causing our magic to not work properly. Did we forget to pay the magic bill? While wondering what was the big deal, Vacuum Cleaner nearly choked on a letter. Guess he finally forgot how to be a fax machine. The letter, as it turned out, was a special summons by you to come to Canterlot. Gee, I wonder what it could be about. Later, you helped confirm my suspicions that we're all losing our magic. Great, that means I'm turning to an Earth Pony. What a downgrade. Guess the dark ages that that Elon Muzzle has been sprouting about to the press are finally coming true.
But what could be causing it?
I suspect an Earth Pony Revolution. Those damn Earth Ponies are so ungrateful to the racial segregation and demeaning we have done to them. They just don't appreciate the time we spent to undermine them specifically.
Too bad we couldn't solve all this immediately with the magic of friendship. It's kinda hard to fire up a friendship ballistic missile at the latest baddie without a magical source to draw from...
Then, we made the unanimous decision to go to hell and visit Tirek to get some answers. And hey, if I'm going to hell, might as well drag my friends along with me! Thus, I left Starlight in charge of the school once again. At least Discord won't be around to disrupt the school this time since everyone was losing their magic. As if she'll fuck up being in charge twice.
So, while we find the cause of this shitstorm, you and your sister had to find some alternative solutions. Well, here's some perfect suggestions. Firstly, we could use another alternate energy resource like coal or oil to replace our magic. There's plenty of it in the human world to steal from. I'd say it's a perfectly justifiable cause. It’s not like those humans are using it properly, anyway. Or perhaps we make a blood sacrifice to appease the Elders Gods by tossing somepony into a volcano? I vote Pinkie because, hey, even if it doesn't work, we'd be ridding the world of another annoying ass.
Anyway, Princess, what's the fastest way to Tartarus? Collect ten blocks of obsidian and a flint and steel to make a portal there? No!?! Just walking? Well, that sucks. Especially with the millions of annoying flies biting our asses. Luckily I had my tail to shoo them away. I even attempted a little bit of seductive tail swinging to hopefully allow me to get some tonight. No such luck, as usual. Rarity even said that she'd never use her tail in such a manner, citing that it'll make her look like a whore despite already being one.
We soon approach a high level security door which won't open even for those cardboard tasting discs from Pizza Hut. Seriously, what the fuck Pinkie!?! Is the intelligence of Earth Ponies another consequence of the disappearing magic?
Thankfully, Cozy packed for us an artifact that allowed us to open the gates of Tartarus, which unfortunately broke after a single use. That artifact must've been one of those dungeon keys that break after unlocking a damn door.
Entering Tartarus, I have to say, it was not what I expected. All these books, scrolls and scriptures in our history detailing what the afterlife is like. All utter crap. Wasn't there supposed to be seven circles of hell? Where the hell was that!?! Just one large cave full of caged magical beasts. There wasn't even anyone stopping us from entering. No magical scale that measures our heart with a feather of truth. No ferryman asking us to pay two bits to ride across a dumb river into the underworld. Apparently, religion really is overrated. Go figure.
Though, I have to say, those four eyed ravens perched all around muttering "Death Battle!" "Death Battle!" felt very ominous and filled me with so much dread.
Luckily, the three-headed bitch; Cerberus, showed up and brought us to the red faced dumbass. At least we avoided all those lava sticks and lava bubbles on the way to the big bad boss. Upon our encounter, Tirek started creepily chatting about how he wanted to consume our magic with fava beans and a nice chianti.
Hmmm… let me think… Anypony got a knife? There's a lava pit nearly and I'd like to conduct a thousand degree knife challenge on Tirek. Perfect payback for getting slammed through a mountain. That seemed to do the trick as the loudmouth revealed that Cozy Cunt was the cause of all this.
Oh, hell no! That little bitch, Cozy, is so gonna get it when I get back! I'm outta here...
FUCK! Who's the idiot that closed the door behind us? Urgh! Fuck me! There's is no way that I'm booking into the Hazbin Hotel for life!
Unfortunately, throwing Rainbow against the Doors of Tartarus proved ineffective. Therefore, I planned to perform a mass transmutation circle to steal the magic of all the monsters of Tartarus. I get that creature transmutation is strictly forbidden, but desperate times call for desperate measures. While preparing it, I left Tirek with the drug mare so that he becomes mentally scarred enough to help out. I find that it is the perfect torture method. I should know. Being stuck with Pinkie is worse than any Celestia damn punishment in Tartarus... Especially when she brought out the yovidaphone. Revenge never tasted so sweet. It'll be even sweeter once I murder that conniving filly. After crossing the streams, the spell worked! Thankfully, without me having to replace any limbs with metal ones afterward.
Upon escape, all magic in Equestria somehow returned and we teleported to the school to see that the little bitch got burned hard. And that now there are six students, perhaps they may become the new bearers of the Elements of Harmony.
OH, MY CELESTIA!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAAA! I MAY NO LONGER HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT ANYMORE!!! THESE SIX WILL HAVE TO INSTEAD!?! HAHAHAHAHAAA! ENJOY ALL THE PAIN OF IT, SUCKAS!!! I'M FREEEEE!!!! FREE AT LAST!!!! HAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Alas, we send my now bitch ex-student to hell for her crimes. Apparently, that decision wasn't that well received with some dumb ponies claiming that the punishment is too severe. I disagree. Both Tirek and Cozy are both greedy, dishonest and have a knack for betraying others so I'm guessing that Tartarus is the punishment for such creatures. Any other type of evil doer gets banished for a thousand years, gets turned to stone or they get a very poorly planned out reformation that causes everyone to take a piss on the ex-villain.
Speaking of which, does Tartarus have room for two con ponies? They fit the requirements for such a punishment as I mentioned above.
Your fellow ruling princess,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Diary,
Ever since Headmistress Twilight came to town, our place has experienced turmoil after turmoil. I personally think that she's the cause of all of our despair. Today was no exception.
We were having a field trip to Cloudsdale, specifically, the weather factory. I thought it'd be safe since none of my friends were pegasi so they wouldn't get converted into rainbows. I was soon proven wrong as we all started falling from the sky.
This was not how I envisioned dropping out of school!
Thankfully, Smolder saved my hide. Betcha she has a crush on me for her to do that. Maybe I should confirm that with Ocellus later...
Now who was it again that sent us on that field trip? Oh, right... the Princess of Friendship... Thank you, Headmistress Twilight, for nearly sending us to our graves. We really feel the love here. My parents will be hearing about this.
Apparently, the Headmistress seemed to realize that and, therefore, she decided that she and our teachers should go out and "save" all of Equestria from losing magic forever, which I doubt I'll notice, since I'm an Earth Pony, while leaving Counsellor Starlight to deal with the backlash. Seriously, Headmistress Twilight trying to save us for the sake of heroics was as likely as her solving a rubix cube. Thankfully, Starlight realized that too and left Cozy Blows in charge. Smart gal.
As the new Headmistress in charge, Cozy Blows decided to bribe her way to popularity, which should've been rather concerning, but hey, free shit. The fuck do I care?
Well, that is until my friends and I saw Cozy mysteriously climbing out of the catacombs during our study club session. Well, time to solve this Scooby-Doo mystery. I suggested hiding under a box to eavesdrop, but my friends said that that was a ridiculous way of spying.
We soon discovered that Chancellor Dickwad was back and he's decided that he'll take charge now, explaining that Headmistress Twilight leaving the school unattended to save the world is a proper excuse to say that her Friendship School is under wrong management.
Glad to know the EEA got their priorities straight.
Then, we got caught red hoofed straight away. I knew we should've used a box! Thinking quickly, I pulled a double agent shtick and the white racist bought it. Nimrod.
First thing I did was call the Chaos Making Crusaders for help. Best case scenario: they help save the day. Worst case scenario: the school gets blown up in tree sap. We soon found out, however, that Cozy is a power hungry self entitled bitch all along. Who could have guessed? Oh, I know... everyone with a brain!
Part of me really wants to find Cozy’s mother right now and give her a bitchslap for giving birth to that dumb bitch! I betcha Cozy even went out the wrong hole when she was born which would explains why she is such a piece of shit!
Plus, I solely disagree with her that friendship equals power. First off, Friendship is Power doesn't really have a nice ring to it... Also, it's kinda hard to be the Empress of Friendship with powers beyond imagining when all magic will cease to exist by the end of all this. Plus she still has to deal with the current ruling two sisters. And the fact that we may be dealing with eternal day or night depending on which one gets stuck in the sky after the third day.
For such a well thought out plan, she sure is a surprisingly stupid sociopath. Betcha Cozy's only doing this to compensate for her small size.
Furthermore, how in Tartarus does the mare that bested the Headmistress in magic with some magical boogaloo time loop trap get trapped by a maniac filly just like that!?! How'd Cozy Blows even do it? Politely ask Starlight to stand in front of the transmutation circle before pushing her in!?!
Trying to get Counselor Starlight out, the spell decided to be touchy-feely with the CMC before I pulled them away. Getting my friends, we decided to take matters to our own hooves and save the day. I mean, six friends all coming together under the strangest of circumstances overcoming all odds to save all of Equestria from the latest big baddies? Sounds like it's the Students Six's turn to shine! As for the CMC, I bet they get locked up or something since the Tree of Harmony only needs six users, not nine. Plus they were the reason Cozy even ended up in the school sooo.... you snooze you lose!
First order of business, beating the shit out of Chancellor Racist. We soon found that the dumbass got tied up and screwed over by the pony hellbent on world domination. Wow... The irony of it all. A pony turned out to be the cause of all this instead of other species that Chancellor claimed were the cause. Ha! The karma that was bestowed upon this senile prick was as nature intended then.
Sadly, we didn't end up getting Yona to smash this dipshit to a pulp. Instead, we had to release him, trusting that this racist had a last minute moment of reformation such that he'll help even the lesser creatures for the benefit of saving Equestria. We must be really desperate for help if we're doing that, you guys!
Then, Ocellus expositioned to us that to return the magic, we had to remove the six artifacts which, in the process, may cause the school to explode. No more school? Bonus!!! Let's do this! Unfortunately, Cozy decided to steal another ex-villain’s idea for world domination by getting an entire mindless student body to stop us from saving the day. Luckily, the Tree of Harmony decided to troll Cozy instead us six this time. And thus, we returned magic to Equestria! Awesome!
Starlight then teleported us out before the school self destructed. Personally, I think it would've been more cool if she used some sort of super speed spell and swooped in with her super speed like in that one movie where Fili-Second runs into an entire school and saved an entire school full of teachers and students in less than a millisecond while an awesome song was played throughout. Oh well, at least Cozy got the bitchslap she deserved.
Ha! Anyone up for a bag of Crispy Cozy?
In the end, she was sentenced to Tartarus which I don't get what's the big fuss is about. Has anypony considered that she might have been executed instead? Anyone considered that? Personally, I think she should've been locked up with Headmistress Twilight in a bedroom full of kinky toys. Betcha she'll sing a different tune after that experience. In more ways than one.
As for the six of us, we didn't even get the chance to graduate after risking our lives. Oh, come on! Saving Equestria with Friendship should have counted for immediate graduation from the "School of Friendship"! At least give us one of those shitty brave medals that Counselor Starlight got!
Guess Headmistress Twilight had the last laugh on us. Bogus, if you ask me.
For now, I'm just marking my calendar for when the next big baddie shows up. I betcha there will be this one villain who will try to bring all the other villains together like some sort of League Of Super Evil Rebels or L.O.S.E.R for short.
Villains are pretty predictable.
Your not graduated yet friendship student,
Sandbar
Dear Princess Celestia,
Our country has been attacked by dozens of villains and most have been reformed. Yet you just throw a filly in TARTARUS!
Why!?!
Signed,
All the Damn Citizens of Equestria
To All the Damn Citizens of Equestria,
Easy. Cause there's only room for one maniacal manipulative mare.
Signed,
Princess Tyrantlestia
Dear Princesses,
Why couldn't we leave Twilight in Tartarus?
Confused,
Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Spike
To Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Spike,
Because even Tartarus can't contain that bitchy attitude of hers.
By Royal Proclamation,
The Royal Sisters
Dear Princess Celestia,
So, we couldn't help but notice from our time in Tartarus that it isn't exactly actively patrolled. How are those prisoners fed? How do you keep an eye on all the creatures down there?
Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Applejack
Dear Rainbow, Rarity, Pinkie, Fluttershy, and AJ,
Why would we do any of that? What, you think this nation has a sophisticated prison industry?
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
So, what if they try to escape?
- Mane Five
To the Mane Five,
How would they do that?
- Princess Celestia
Dear Princess,
Like, what if somecreature as powerful or more powerful than you opened a portal or winked them out or something? The country could literally go months without realizing that a couple of supervillains escaped.
- Mane Five
Dear Mane Five,
Come on now. I don't really think there's much chance of that happening.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
