//------------------------------// // 16: Vinyl on Trial // Story: But Wait...There's More! // by McPoodle //------------------------------// But Wait...There’s More! - 16: Vinyl on Trial - Several hours later, after all the congratulations had been delivered, and after she had told Oars In Wells that she and Octavia might consider his offer to make them co-composers for the second season of RIAT (“but don’t hold your breath”), Vinyl set up her stand in the park right outside the ballroom, and waited. And waited. And waited. She had just pulled off the third-best performance of her life, a performance that vitally depended on the acoustical qualities of her CD player, and still nopony was able to get past that silly story. “Are you alright?” Twilight asked as she and her friends approached. It was probably closer to one a.m. than it was to midnight. Vinyl shrugged. She was the only blind pony around, so she could get away with silent communication. “I’m sorry my idea didn’t help you out,” said Rainbow Dash from the back of the group. “That idea was awesome,” Vinyl told her. “And I don’t care if it didn’t translate into any sales.” “Ooo! I know what will help you out!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie, rushing forward and putting a small object on the table. “Just let your customers listen to this, and I’m sure they’ll change their minds!” “Is...is that one of your presents, Pinkie?” Vinyl asked cautiously. “Yup!” she exclaimed. “I always get so happy when I listen to it, and who would want to turn you down when they’re so happy?” Vinyl slowly and unsteadily reached for the CD that Pinkie was offering her, but then with a grimace stopped herself, using one foreleg to drag the other away. “No! No, I can’t do that, Pinkie. That CD is enchanted to make anypony who listens to it feel whatever the performer was feeling when they recorded it. I can’t do that with the CDs I make. Perhaps I shouldn’t even if I knew how.” “Why not?” the party pony asked. “Because it’s a cheat!” Vinyl proclaimed. “At least I think so. If music cannot move you all by itself, then it has failed, and if all you want is an emotional state, there’s probably a spell out there that does that without wasting your time listening to anything. No, if I’m going to sell this invention, it will be on what it can and should do. I won’t be making promises I cannot keep.” “...Okay, I understand,” Pinkie quietly replied, taking back the CD. “Well, I gotta go now!” she then exclaimed, her mood suddenly reverting to her usual cheerfulness. “Bu-bye!” And with that, she hopped off in the distance. “I didn’t hurt her feelings, did I?” the DJ asked. “No, that was just Pinkie being random,” said Rarity. “You know, there’s absolutely no other pony to be seen at this hour. Perhaps you should call it a night.” “No, I don’t think so,” Vinyl replied. “Tomorrow morning I head back to Fillydelphia, so I think I’ll make this an all-nighter. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.” Applejack yawned loudly. “Well, we would like to stay and all, but it’s mighty late, and our vacations end tomorrow morning as well. Good night, Vinyl Scratch, and good luck.” The other ponies soon left, with one exception. “Well, if I’m your active partner now, I might as well prove it!” declared Twilight Sparkle as she joined Vinyl inside the stand. Two more hours passed. A few ponies had passed through the park, but they had altered their paths the moment they had spotted the big sign Octavia had put above the stand. “You know, I had hoped there were more free-thinking ponies in Canterlot,” Twilight sighed. Vinyl laughed. “Twilight, you are in a breed apart from the rest of us regular ponies,” she told her. “The rest of us are just sheep. No, worse than sheep—we’re all hypocrites, and I’m the biggest hypocrite of them all. “Look at us going about our lives, telling ourselves that we are ‘modern ponies’, and that we live our lives independent of the Princesses, just the way they’ve told us they want us to be. We read the paper with glee every time one of them admits that they made a mistake or that they have a hobby, just like us regular ponies. But then comes something like this slander, and the true face of a ‘modern pony’ is revealed. We are so terrified of crossing them. Princess Celestia can tell us thousands and thousands of times that she is a benevolent ruler, that her few cases of severe retribution were only when the entirety of Equestria was in the balance, and yet we still imagine her banishing us to the moon of Pluto if we so much as mention the word ‘alfalfa’ where she can hear it. “And what about me!” Vinyl continued. “Princess Luna just tried to give me constructive criticism. She handled what I did extremely fairly, and I responded by trying my best to will myself out of existence! Let’s just face facts: the compact disk as a pony invention is doomed. Whether the cause is a goddess restrained by forces impossible for us mortals to comprehend, or a feeling that we’re not ready doesn’t really make a difference in the end.” “I don’t really know what to say to that,” responded Twilight, suddenly feeling very tired. ~ ~ ~ “Excuse me, could either of you ponies direct me to the Customer Service desk for Equestria Acoustics?” said the voice of a pony suddenly landing in front of the stand. “Princess Luna!” Twilight exclaimed, bowing her head. “What, did I name it wrong?” the Princess asked in confusion. “I was certain my research on the subject was correct. Customer Service desks are a remarkable invention—I can remember a war over three thousand years ago caused by the failure to fully refund a faulty ballista.” “No, you have spoken correctly,” said Vinyl, bowing her head rather less than Luna was used to. “How may we be of service?” “Well...how shall I put this?” asked Luna somewhat sheepishly. “I...obtained one of your playing devices on Saturday afternoon and was unable to render payment, because the pony responsible for sales was temporarily indisposed.” More like zomponified, thought Vinyl to herself. “We are giving the units away as a promotional offer. There’s no need to pay.” “Oh, but I insist,” declared the alicorn. “I was completely satisfied with this product, and I insist on compensating you at the fair market rate.” “Very well,” said the DJ pony. “That will be 33 bits.” And that should be that, she thought to herself, just so long as nopony does something monumentally foalish like... “Oh, can we calculate the optional sales tax?” asked an excited Twilight. “I’ve never done that before!” ~ ~ ~ In Equestria, it is said that there are only two things that can never be calculated exactly by a mortal pony: her own expiration date, and Luna’s taxes. —from The Equestrian Handbook, 2nd Edition, by M.J.P., Chapter 3 At the sound of the fatal phrase “sales tax”, all of the lights in the park besides the one shining on the EA stand went out. Transient ponies fled for the hills. Mother ponies opened the front windows of their houses, just so they could melodramatically close them all in a row. In the distance, a lonely fanfare could be heard, accompanied by tumbling tumbleweed. “Calculate the tax?” asked Princess Luna laconically after levitating three neat stacks of ten bits each followed by a fourth of three bits. “All right.” “This is a manufactured good, so the rate is 6 %, for a total tax of 2 bits!” said Twilight proudly. “That’s the base rate,” Luna corrected her softly. “You need to add 1.5 % for the Canterlot City Tax, subtract 0.875 % for the Urban Renewal Discount, add 2.75 % for the Parasprite Relief Fund...” “...excuse me, but shouldn’t that last one be a subtraction?” asked Twilight, her mane already somewhat frazzled from keeping track of the numbers presented so far. “It is a subtraction in Ponyville and other towns affected by the infestation,” Luna patiently explained. “It’s an addition in Canterlot and other towns not affected. It’s a self-cancelling tax, you see.” She appeared to be rather proud of that. “Now then, the Waterfall Tax is 6.5 thousands of a percent for every pony-height above sea level, rounded to the nearest eighth of a unit.” “Um, hold on, I got this...” Twilight closed her eyes. As her horn lit up, she levitated a few hooves above the ground, and then gently lowered herself. “1868.75 pony-heights.” After running the figures through her head she smiled. “Wow, this is getting pretty big!” She looked over to Vinyl, and was confused to see her idly flicking one hoof in the air. Luna continued her litany of taxes. “Next comes the Redevelopment Tax/Discount Factor, which you multiply against the aggregate tax rate so far. This is computed based on the date when the land under the shop was first claimed by the city. Do you happen to know what date this paving stone was laid?” “Um...Vinyl?” “I knew I should have had Octavia read the permit to me!” “Well, let me look at it, then,” Twilight said, diving down under the stand and coming back up with a large stack of papers. About ten pages in she found what she was looking for. “835! And look, the Redevelopment Tax/Discount Factor is already computed: 13.6!...discount. Aww.” “Minus an additional 12 % penalty for not having it memorized,” added Luna with a smirk. “What?!” demanded Twilight. “No, she’s right,” said Vinyl with a sigh. “It’s a mandatory deduction.” “Now you take the amount of the tax at this point...” continued the Princess. “...negative five,” Twilight grumbled. “...and you apply the square root.” “What?!” demanded Twilight for the second time. “It’s an even-numbered millennium!” Luna exclaimed. “You must show proper respect to the number two thousand. Then add the current goddess count of 2...” “That’s it, I’m done!” Twilight declared, raising her forehooves in the air. She had enough trouble with imaginary numbers; she wasn’t about to wrangle with their complex cousins as well. “There’s a penalty for that as well,” Luna informed her. “That’s only if all sales personal flee for their sanity,” said Vinyl firmly. “I haven’t given up yet.” “Very well,” continued Luna. “In honor of the universe being made mostly of matter, you may now square the tax.” “Wait, I choose to subtract two bits first in honor of the liberation of Stalliongrad in 1762.” Luna tapped one hoof angrily on the pavement. “I knew I should have gotten that adjustment taken out!” “And a 13.25 % Survivor’s Bonus for reaching the finish!” exclaimed Vinyl. “You owe me one bit.” “Correction!” exclaimed Luna. “You owe me one bit.” “Wait...” Vinyl said, continuing the strange motions with her forehoof that she had been performing the entire time. “Yes...right, I owe you one. And that’s why you never ask to calculate the tax, Twilight.” “I’m going home now,” Twilight said with a very simple voice. “My head hurts.” “Go to bed, Miss Sparkle,” Luna said gently. “I’d like a moment to speak with Miss Scratch here alone. But first, please give this CD back to Pinkie Pie. Tell her she was right...as usual.” Vinyl could practically hear the Princess roll her eyes as she said that last part. ~ ~ ~ “Do you care to tell me how you managed all that calculation in your head?” Princess Luna asked when they were alone. “Imaginary abacus.” “Imaginary abacus?” The Princess sounded truly awed. “You must teach me how you do it!” “Alright,” Vinyl said with a smile. “But it takes a bit of practice.” “You know, if we’re going to be meeting more often, I should tell you about your eyes...” “Please don’t tell me,” Vinyl said very quietly. “I may have wanted to know earlier in my life, but my blindness is now a part of who I am. Don’t tell me there was a reason, and in your name please don’t tell me it was an accident.” “But I would like to make it up to you,” Luna said. All of Vinyl’s fur stood on end, but with a few slow breaths she managed to calm herself. As Pon-3 had so often told her, “One more sense would make Vinyl Scratch less, not more.” “If you would like to do something for me,” she finally said, “I’d like you to fix my friends.” “I don’t understand.” “You probably don’t remember,” said Vinyl. “Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Rarity all tried to stand up to Nightmare Moon on the night of the Summer Sun Celebration in Ponyville. They obviously failed, and she obviously muddled their minds. I would like you to restore their true memories to them.” “I still don’t understand,” said a confused alicorn, lowering her head. “Look, they think they defeated you...er, her—Nightmare Moon. By themselves. Now we both know that is impossible. Celestia used so much magic to banish her the last time that she was close to death for weeks afterwards—” “She never told me that!” “Nevertheless, it is true,” Vinyl told her coldly. “And so Princess Celestia obviously defeated Nightmare Moon this time. Sure, those other ponies probably helped, but they did not do it single-hoofedly. I would like you to remove their delusion, before their overconfidence leads them to do something rash. Unless...” She put two hooves to her mouth in utter panic. “Ooh, wait, forget I said anything!” she exclaimed. Inside Vinyl’s mind, Luna effortlessly saw her imagine a scenario of “Trollestia” implanting the false memories into the ponies herself; just to see how much trouble they could get into thinking they were more powerful than goddesses. Luna shook her head to break the link. “I...I frankly don’t know which truth...or lie...I should be telling you. I’ll just have to get back to you. But I almost forgot the true reason why I am here.” ~ ~ ~ “I am here to judge you, Vinyl Scratch.” ~ ~ ~ It was a simple statement of fact, with no accusation behind it whatsoever. Precisely like you would hope that an all-powerful being would address you under the circumstances. “What am I accused of?” Vinyl asked, head held high. The Princess had evidently moved on from her little slip-up, and so she would as well. “You are accused of being in the right place at the right time. I can tell you no more than that.” Vinyl smirked. “And you have already told me that being at the right place at the right time is an incredible inconvenience to you, just by being here,” she said. “What do you desire? Do you wish me to move, to give up, to go back home with my tail between my legs?” “What I want is not in your power,” Luna told her. “It is up to me and me alone. That is why it is a judgment.” Vinyl raised one eyebrow while she considered this. “You want me to help you decide one way or another, between two different fates for me, neither of which I am allowed to know about?” “That’s about the size of it.” “What could I possibly tell you that you don’t already know? We ponies are open books to you. My innermost thoughts, my most shameful secrets are already laid bare before your all-seeing eyes. Including...yeah, the distrust. I can be a regular mule of a pony, Princess. If you need me to tell you that I trust you as much as I trust your sister to act in the best interests of Equestria, then you’re going to have to come back to me in ten years or so, when I have your actions to judge you by.” “So!” Luna said with a lightly-mocking smile, raising her head. “You would dare to judge me?” “By all means. I demand the right to judge my creators, the right to second-guess, the right to think I could have done things better. Why would you create us the way we are, with our flaws and tempers and our incredible powers of reasoning, if we are not allowed to exercise that power upon the very summit of Creation? If I cannot judge my goddesses, what use is it to judge which apple goes best in the cobbler, why even bother to get up in the morning, to face ‘the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune’?” “Indeed!” said the alicorn with pride. “Very well, Miss Scratch, I have decided. You are condemned to be free to live your life as you wish, and we Princesses are freed to do with you as we please. So be it!” And with these words she launched herself into the heavens, generating a fierce wind that battered the stand on all sides. Vinyl scrambled out from inside the stand and craned her neck upwards, her horn glowing brightly as she tried to use her horn sight to see her. She was therefore the only pony in all of Equestria who witnessed what Princess Luna did next: a true demonstration of the power of the Ruler of the Night Sky. She didn’t know if she wanted to sing her goddess’ praises to the rooftops, or crack a sarcastic remark about the overwhelming pride of the same deity. She decided this indecision was a good thing, and turned to take down the stand.