"Never ridden a dragon before." I said, settling into place on Torch's back. Rarity was having trouble gripping on, so I had her packed tightly under my arm, something she had argued against for a moment, before begrudgingly accepting her fate. Waving goodbye to the cute dragon princess, I turned to her father. "We ready to go?" He snorted and began lifting off. The power in those wings must be unimaginable.
After fully taking off, he gradually accelerated to jaw dropping speeds, threading the needle through various mountains and volcanoes.
A couple minutes passed, wind rushing over my face, and I swore I could hear Rarity grumble about how this was messing up her mane. "We are nearing the border." Torch yelled over the wind. Fucking hell, that was fast.
Slowing down, I could see the ground more clearly, the countryside had become something more reminiscent of somewhere actually livable rather than looking like Mordor, which was how it was in the place where the Dragon Lord ceremony happened.
Rarity looked like she had spent several months being hit with a hairdryer, her previously curled purple locks, had been pulled backwards, causing her to look like a purple version of Sonic. She tried yelling over the wind, cursing the dragon as we descended.
"Thanks for the relatively short ride." I hopped off of the drake's back. Letting go of Rarity so she could hop onto the ground.
"It is the least I could do. Go now, friend of destruction. Return to Equestria." He took off more abruptly this time, probably because he didn't have to be careful with us now that we were off his back.
Rarity was still being rather indignant, so I told her to grow the fuck up and deal with it. She didn't take it well.
"How dare you, do you know how long it takes me to fix my hair in the morning?" I ignored her, wondering how we were going to move forward from here. Since I had no way of telling which way was which, I just moved in the opposite direction of where we came from, picking up Rarity and holding her by her barrel again. "You uncouth brute! Unhoof me this instant." I headed into the forest at the edge of the clearing, hoping I was going the right way.
"No. You're just going to complain and be mardy for a while." I replied, stepping over a fallen tree branch. She growled, trying to levitate me off of her with magic, an attempt I quickly quashed. "Deal with it. Unless you're gonna walk instead of whine."
"Very well. I see there is no arguing with such a barbarian." She harrumphed, wiggling free, following behind and glaring lasers into my back. "Do you have any idea where you are going?"
"Nope. Just went away from the Dragon Lands and hoped that was right."
"How have you managed to get this far in life with that kind of attitude?" Bitch, how the fuck did you get this far in life with that kind of attitude?
"Luck, mainly. That and my devilishly charming good looks and general sexiness."
"I honestly don't see how Twilight puts up with you." She grumbled.
"She gets by somehow."
"I still believe you owe me an apology for my mane." I OWE HER AN- Ok, fine.
"Oh, boo-fucking-hoo, your hair is messed up! Want me to pull a fucking comb out me ass and do it all back up for you? No? That's what I thought." That shut her up. I could hear a couple snide remarks and turned around as she stopped mumbling.
Despite present company, the scenery was quite beautiful, an idyllic forest, as if out of a Disney movie, a couple rabbits bounding around, squirrels in the trees and a family of ducks swimming through a narrow stream, I made sure to avoid them before jumping over it. Rarity followed suite, having calmed down after the little heated discussion we had earlier.
"I don't agree with the way you're handling Twilight's little crush." Again with this.
"Do we have to talk about this right now? I really don't feel like having this argument a second time." I didn't feel like having it the first time, in all honesty.
"As Twilight's friend, I cannot allow you to toy with her feelings like this."
"I'm not toying with them. It doesn't negatively affect her in any way. Not dealing with it just serves to avoid the possibility of things being awkward if I deny her." Its going to be a right pain in the neck if she ended up sour over it.
"Yes, but not answering means she may keep pining for your affection."
"She'll give up at some point." I hoped so. I would hate for her to just go full yandere on me one day.
"You shouldn't do that, you know! She deserves better than to be lied to." Rarity berated me.
"She does, Twilight's a good mare."
"Then why don't you?" She stamped her hoof, the cloven appendage cracking on a tree root.
"Because it's not worth risking the current friendship I have with her." I don't want to accidentally just alienate her because I didn't feel the same way. Call me a coward or whatever. I don't like hurting my friends.
The next couple hours of walking had yielded no signs of civilisation and night was slowly encroaching on us.
The two of decided to set up camp in the forest. I had warded the place to alert me if anything worth worrying about had entered the area. Like bug bears for example. I shit you not, they actually exist.
"I must say, as odd as this is for me, I don't dislike roughing it like this as much as I thought I would." Rarity was lying down, belly up while staring at the stars. "I suppose those sister camping trips with Sweetie Belle may have numbed me to it a bit."
Setting up a bit of firewood, I shot a gout of flame, lighting it. "Yeah, say that in the morning when your back aches like a motherfucker. You think you can get to sleep? If you can't, I can hit you with a sleep spell." I was sat up against one of the many trees, wishing I had a soft pillow instead of hard oak behind my head.
"No thank you. I always find that sleeping spells make me feel more tired in the morning." She seemed a far cry from the irritating, bickering filly from earlier. When she isn't mad, she actually makes for quite good conversation.
"Suit yourself." We got lucky tonight. There was a river close to us and Rarity happened to know a spell for purifying it. She said something about it being in 'top twenty spells every unicorn should know.' A column in some magazine she read at work, apparently. "Hey, you know that water-purifying spell from earlier?"
"Of course. I'm guessing you would want to know it." She turned her head to me, still lying on her back. I nodded. "I'm sorry, but I'm not exactly the best tutor. I would imagine Twilight could explain it to you far better."
"Yeah, but she isn't here right now is she?"
She hummed, "fair enough," turning herself over and facing me, she began to explain...
----
I awoke to the sound of a kettle boiling in the distance, while being cuddled by what my sleep-addled mind perceived as a marshmallow in the shape of a pony. For some reason it took my mind a couple seconds to process the fucker I was currently encountering.
"Something isn't right here." I mumbled, rubbing the sleep from my eyes with my free arm (the other was trapped under the marshmallow).
A slender young mare with a pure white coat and red mane appeared, opening the door gently. Once she saw I was awake, she started speaking while looking me over, resting a hoof on my head. "Oh! Bonne après-midi, je vois que tu es réveillé. Mon père t'a trouvé avec ta copine au bord du ruisseau ce matin. est-ce que tu vas bien?"
"Alright, I guess. You don't happen to speak English do you?" I removed the offending hoof from my forehead. I knew a bit of French, enough to know she said something along the lines of: 'good afternoon, are you ok?'
"Oui, I do." Her accent was very nice.
"Would you mind telling us where we are?" one of the windows was open, and I could hear the bustling of the town outside, various people going about their business.
"We are in a town called Mane. My father found you in the woods outside the town." On inspection, I could see her cutie mark, was a white five-pointed star, outlined in black.
"Why did you put us in the same bed?" I scratched Rarity's ears, causing her to shift in the bed.
"Are you not lovers? Father said 'e found you lying with each other in the morning." I shook my head.
"There's been a misunderstanding. I'm pretty sure she just fell asleep next to me."
She put a hoof over her mouth, "Sorry, I did not mean to assume. Would you like some tea? The kettle is boiling." I waved her off. I wasn't too keen on tea, despite being English (heretical of me, I know).
"It's no issue. Do you know where I should go for passage back to Equestria, by any chance?"
"You would 'ave to sail to Eagland then across to Equestria. The nearest port would be in Mareseille, but you would have to go the long way around. It would be quicker to head to Normanedy by train, then sail from there."
"Thank you." I shook the mare on the bed lightly, "Rarity wake the fuck up."
"Mmm, What happened?" She asked, still delirious.
"A couple friendly frogs carried us to their village."
"Frogs? What in Equestria are you talking about?"
"Frenc- fuck, Prench people. The horse puns in the future are fucking me up." I stood up, thankful I had my pants still on. I wouldn't have wanted to explain to Moonflower about how I woke up totally naked in a single bed with a pretty mare. "Point is, we're in a town."
"Oh, thank you Ms..?" Rarity had stopped, unsure of our mystery host.
"Estelle." The slender mare had put a name to the face. "It is only what any good pony would do."
"No, Estelle, really. Thank you very much." Rarity had gotten up now, hoping off the bed and trotting up to the mare, shaking her hoof.
"As I said, it is no problem. We will be 'aving dinner in a couple hours, if you would like to join us?"
"Thank you, but no, we should probably be on our way. Is the currency here still bits? We'll probably be in need of supplies."
"Oui, your bits will suffice as money here."
"Nice, where did you put my clothes?" She pointed to the dresser to the side of the bed. "Oh. Didn't notice that." Rarity had walked out of the room, probably talking to one of Estelle's family members.
Estelle was awkwardly standing there as I put on my clothes. My time in Equestria had done me a lot of good. While I wasn't fat or skinny before I came, I certainly wasn't fit in any sense of the word. I had sort of let myself stop exercising a couple years ago, and a bit of purge had started to creep up on me. Fast forward to a couple months in Equestria, and I'm in top notch condition. Probably the better diet combined with more physical exercise. I wasn't sporting a six pack or anything obvious like that, but I had gained a lot more definition.
Which made it all the more awkward as Estelle was feeling me up.
"What are you doing?" I asked, tensing.
"Admiring the scenery." She rubbed at my arm.
"I have a mare." Frowning, she reluctantly pulled away.
"The best ones are always taken." She sighed, seeming a bit down, she briskly moved out of the room, closing the door behind her.
I dressed myself much quicker after that. Do loads of ponies have weird hidden human fetishes or some shit? Maybe it's because to them, I'm exotic. I know I've got the hot monkey dick, but it ain't that hot.
Peeking out the window, I could see a collection of ponies, griffon, hippogriffs and farm animals such as pigs walking in the street below.
"I really need to ask someone about the whole situation with my bacon."
I exited my room, ducking as the door was too short for me to fit through normally. I could hear Rarity talking with someone downstairs.
"Thank you really, we might not have made it out of that forest if you hadn't picked us up."
" 'onestly it is no problem, cherié." A gruff looking stallion, similar in coat colour to Estelle was talking with her. He spotted me on the stairs, "Ah, the big one is up. You are doing well, I gather?"
I gave him a thumbs up. "Yeah, I guess. Is there a market anywhere, or does the town have a high street?"
"The farmer's market is in the centre of the town. You can get food there, or sit with us for dinner." The stallion offered.
"I already said no to Estelle."
"Of, come now, John." Rarity began, "It would be easier to eat here and then make our way home tomorrow."
I shrugged, "Fine, geez. We'll eat here then. I still want to check out the market though." I turned to the stallion, "Sorry but I don't think I caught your name?"
"Sauvignon." Now that I could see him correctly, he had grapes of various of colour as his cutie mark. Most likely a wine maker.
She seemed content with that. "Wanna come with me? I'd prefer not to walk around town alone."
"Your temperament seems much... meeker, than before." Diamondbutt said.
"Its because no one is being a fucking asshole. I only act like a dick because other people keep doing it." I replied.
"Oh, it's back." She sounded disappointed. "Very well, I'll accompany you to this farmer's market. I do wonder if they are anything similar to back home though."
"They'll be the same. It's not like good food is something exclusive to Equestria." I said a quick goodbye to Sauvignon before opening the door and ushering Rarity through.
Dropping down the front steps, I could see we or more accurately, I was turning heads. I imagined no one would've seen a human yet so the curiosity was forgivable, but there was some level of disgust from a group of older unicorns sat at a table in a nearby cafe.
I shrugged it off, as long as they didn't outright stop or attack me then I could care less what they thought. Thankfully, they just sat there and grumbled.
"Its weird, being an oddity." I sort of blended into crowds pretty easily back home, so this kind of attention still sometimes made me feel odd.
"Oh, hush, it can't be that bad." I snorted derisively at her comment.
The market was chock full of stalls, farmers of various types were here. Rarity was easily caught up in the culture of the town, chatting up any pony who could speak back to her. I decided to leave her alone; she was a big mare, she could take care of her self for a couple minutes.
After a while I found what I was looking for. A Griffin who was selling various forms of meat: steaks, sausages, etcetera. "Excuse me," I called out to the Griffin behind the counter, who was just checking something behind the stall. He pulled his head up, in his confusion, his head twisted to the side a bit, like a dog. "Do you speak English?"
"Non." Good thing I looked up that universal translation spell from that mare a week or so ago. A quick wave of my hand had him speaking the queen's. "Oh, a magic user. I believe that was a translation spell?"
"Yeah, how'd you know?" I asked.
"Many foreign unicorns use them. I was unaware you were capable of such a thing. Anyway, to business: what are you after?"
"Moreso a question. Are the livestock your using sapient? I've seen cows and pigs around that speak." The Griffin laughed, wiping a tear from his eye with a talon. Something that didn't seem very safe in my book.
"No, no. You see these meats are from monsters. Dire Hogs, Brazen Bulls, Blood Eagles and the like. My brother is a hunter of such beasts and very good at what he does. He finds them in the mountains over yonder," he motioned to the east. "Beasts such as that are imported or slain over in Equestria as well. Although in my humble opinion, quality Prench meats are far superior to Equestrian cuts."
I breathed a sigh of relief. "Well at least I haven't been eating murder victims." The Griffin squawked as he chuckled. "Thanks for the information." I dropped a couple bits on the counter before leaving.
"Hey!" The Griffin called out. As I turned around he threw the bits back, and I caught them with my magic, "Common knowledge is free. Don't give me bits unless you're buying something."
I levitated the coins into my pockets, before navigatingtheough the market again, taking any and all free samples I was allowed as I passed any food stalls.
"Rarity!" I yelled out, searching for the mare in the crowd. "Rarity! Where the fuck did she go?" As tempting as it was to consider, I had no intention of leaving her behind. The crowd parted, and a fucking crossbow bolt flew past my face.
"Die, monster! You don't belong in this world!" What's up with the Richter Belmont impression?
"It was not by my hand that I was once again given flesh... wait, no. No jokes right now." I composed myself. "Right, so I ain't a monster." I pointed at the unicorn. "If you launch another bolt, I'm gonna teleport it up your ass." He hesitated before firing another bolt. Halting it in mid-air, I made it disappear to you-know-where while the unicorn doubled over in pain.
"John! Oh thank goodness, you wouldn't believe the nerve of this ruffian." She pulled herself from the side of another unicorn, dressed similarly to his friend on the floor."
"Pretty sure I can, actually. The dude literally just fired at me with a crossbow. Talk about rude."
"I suppose you are right in this case." She looked back at the bolt that missed, thankfully it was lodged into a cart instead of anyone else.
I put my hands over my mouth in mock shock. "Wow, you agreed with me for once instead of arguing? You alright Rarity?"
"Oh, haha," she deadpanned. "You really are uncouth aren't you? I suppose I might just have to go with this lot instead." She teased.
"By all means, do as you wish, milady." I put on an overly posh accent.
"Jokes aside, we really ought to deal with the situation at hoof." Rarity turned to the hunter's buddies, who seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. "My good stallions, is there no way of resolving this peacefully?"
"Non." One of them replied.
"Well, you tried." I stretched my arm, lighting it as I readied myself to fight.
"Hush now, John. These things require a mare's touch." She gently tried lowering my arm with her magic, the aquamarine aura poking into my own. She turned to the group. "Now, now, what seems to be the problem?" She batted her eyelashes. Let's hope she rolls high for charisma.
The largest of the stallions, about as tall as Luna had moved forward, looking down at Rarity. His accent was too thick for us to understand, so I cast the translate spell again, that shit was starting to tax me. The dude on the floor had recovered now, thanks to his friend taking you-know-what out of you-know-where.
"This beast 'as threatened the town and attacked our associate." He scowled at me.
"I haven't threatened shit. You lot fired first. I gave the dude a chance to acknowledge the fact that I was not a monster by telling him not to fucking shoot me but then he did." I noticed the plaza we were stood in had quieted, Ponies, Griffins and a couple others were watching the conflict.
"If you were to apologise humbly we would be satisfied." Oh boy.
"Sorry for shooting your utter mong of a friend." I apologised.
"What is a 'mong'?" The stallion asked.
"It's a compliment." It wasn't but I'm not exactly gonna tell him that. The squadron of hunter creatures left the area and the usual atmosphere of the market returned, although several stand owners were looking at me more warily than before.
Rarity wiped her brow with a cloth that she had stashed... somewhere. "Well, that went better than expected. I was almost sure it would've devolve into a rumble, given your propensity for violence." She stashed the cloth away again, but I couldn't see where she put it.
"I dont want violence. I stick to self-defense mainly, unless there are special circumstances." Like the majority of times it's happened. I think I broke that rule once or twice, but who gives a shit? Not me. And definitely not whoever is reading this.
I still don't know how you would have gotten your hands, hooves, talons, tentacles or whatever on this though, seeing as I always keep it on me now, since Celestia got her grubby little hooves all over it.
"Then maybe you aren't as much of a scoundrel as I assumed." You're damn right I'm not.
"I'm an angel from on high. You should have more faith in me." My voice oozed with sarcasm.
"Pah! Faith, in you? Not a chance darling." Her tone matching mine. "Well! As we are done with that little upset, shall we do as Rainbow Dash says and 'hang out'? This town is quite beautiful when it's not overrun by buffoon like them."
"Ladies first." I grinned, motioning dramatically with a hand.
"What a gentlecolt." She said, rolling her eyes and proceeding onwards.
The walk around town was nice and quaint, a couple of street musicians were playing something disturbingly similar to the Song of Storms. I had thought to mention it, but realised that nobody else would get what I was talking about. I found out that the group from earlier had been causing trouble around here recently. Not a great idea in my opinion but it was none of my concern anyway. The faster we got out of here tomorrow, the faster I could put those tossers behind me.
----
The day had run its course and we were heading back to Sauvignon's home for dinner.
"Ooh, my hooves ache from all that trotting." Rarity said disdainfully.
"You're telling me. You have four hooves to spread the weight on. I only have two feet."
"Well that just means I go through double the pain." She rebuked, staring at her alabaster hooves.
"Ah, quit your whining. We're almost there Diamondbutt." You could see Estelle walking towards the front door from here, she noticed your approach and stopped to wave.
"I really wish you wouldn't call me that. It's so distasteful." She looked up from her hooves, noticing the mare in front of us and giving a wave of her own. "Oh! Hello dear, we've had a wonderful time in your town. The market was quite lovely."
Estelle smiled, "I love it 'ere as well, Rarity. I am glad my father decided to raise me 'ere. Come in, come in. Father has cooked a special meal tonight. We would usually eat this on Sunday's but 'e was so 'appy to 'ave guests for dinner that 'e decided to make it today." She opened the door, beckoning us through with a hoof.
"Oh, how kind of him!" Rarity dashed through the open door. "Thank you dear."
I sniffed at the air as I hopped up the porch, a familiar scent caused my eyes to widen. It couldn't be...
"You made Sunday Roast?" I queried as Sauvignon set each plate down.
"Yes. My wife was a Griffin from Eagland, so she taught me how to make the stuff, she used to love it, before she passed on."
"Sorry for your loss." He waved it off.
"Bah! She spent the time she had making me the happiest stallion alive, so I owed it to her to keep smiling after her time ended." A bittersweet expression graced his face as he sat.
I pulled out a chair. "How did you end up with Estelle then?"
"I adopted. I wouldn't trade her for the world." His daughter put a hoof on his fore leg, coling around it. "How about you? Got any family?"
I nodded, " I had...Two Sisters and a Brother. One of the sisters had kids. Haven't seen my mum in over a year now, and my brother is ok for now." I resisted the urge to scowl. "Dad passed away." I started to dig in, picking up a couple pieces of carrot with a fork, rolling it in the gravy and then eating it. The taste even reminded me of home.
"I feel like you aren't telling me something, son." He narrowed his eyes.
"And I dont plan to, as much as I'm grateful for the food, it's none of your business." I replied defensively, spearing a bit of the monster beef on the fork.
"I'd prefer not to cause a ruckus at the table, but whatever it is you're holding in, it ain't good for you." I frowned.
"I dont need some random old dude telling me I have issues." I'd had enough of that with my own dad, nevermind other people.
"John, are you alright?" Rarity was alarmed as I had stood up without realising it and was leaning across the table at the stallion.
"I'm fine, Rarity. Just lost my temper a bit." I settled back into my chair. "Sorry about that. It's a sore subject."
"I could tell." He finished, eating a mouthful of his own food. We continued to wat in mostly silence, aside from Rarity or Estelle trying to engage us back in conversation, to no avail.
After finishing the food, I turned in early, having suddenly lost the urge to sit around and talk. Plodding hoofsteps had alerted me to Rarity's presence in the room. Sauvignon had placed another bed in the room for her after we had left, and she had quickly hopped onto it and began talking.
"John, are you sure you dont want to talk about earlier?" I turned over, facing away from the concerned mare. "I may not be your closest friend, but I believe you can trust me with anything. A lady doesn't tell tales."
"Its not a matter of trust. I just... don't want to talk about it. Its painful." I'd rather not burden her with these kinds of issues. I'd done a good job hiding it, aside from Lavan knowing about it, and maybe Celestia because he might have told her about it, or she could've picked up the pieces from reading a bit of my journal. "Goodnight, Rarity." I said coldly.
"If you truly aren't ready to talk, so be it. One day you will be, and I, along with the others will be ready to listen." The sincerity of her words hit me.
"Thank you." I mumbled, closing my eyes. She decided to keep fairly silent after that, aside from getting up to go to the loo once.
As time went on, I found it more awkward to sleep, the bed was too small, the room had a draft, or the pillow wasn't comfy enough. You get the idea. I got up, sitting at the bedside while contemplating tomorrow.
Supplies? gotten. My brain? Attached firmly to body. Marshmallow horse? Acquired. I ran over various problems in my head, trying to figure out if I had something wrong. All signs pointed to no.
I had thought of using a sleep spell but remembered what Rarity had said about it just making things worse, so I refrained from using it.
My inability to sleep had plagued me all the way into the wee hours of the morning and my only way of alleviating the monotony was to dive into my imagination, wondering whether Twilight or Celestia would win in a fight? would Moonflower and I ever get a bit of time to spend together? That kind of stuff.
I started doing a bit of messing around with fire in my sleep deprived state, accidentally burning a pillow. I put it out and then turned the case inside out so no one would notice.
The morning was almost here so I decided to get ready. Having fully clothed myself I tried waking up Rarity. She didn't budge so I just slung her over my shoulder with the rest of the stuff and made my way downstairs. I thought for a moment before using my magic to write a little 'thank you' note to Estelle and her dad. It was times like this when I had my hands full that I was so glad I had magic. Holding an annoyingly heavy load as well as the supplies through the door would have been impossible without it.
Rarity had woken up as we hit the outside, grumbling as she did. Once she was cognizant enough, I set her down and she continued on with me, taking a bit of the weight off of me.
"Sleep well?" Rarity yawned, flicking an ear while looking distasteful at her unstyled mane. I wasnt about to waste three hours waiting for her to get it ready. "Oh, couldn't we have waited a while before leaving?"
"Nah, couldn't get a wink. I'll probably just snooze on the train. Your mane looks fine anyway. I also left them a thank you note." We were approaching the railroad as we spoke, a couple other early risers waiting for a train to pass at the edge of the tracks.
The station was one of the places we had checked out yesterday, having booked tickets to Maris (yeah that's seriously what it's called here), since Rarity insisted upon it and I also wanted to satisfy my own curiosity. This was the first time I was going to see somewhere I'd been before while in this new future. What could go wrong? Spoilers: A lot.