//------------------------------// // A Trivial Pursuit // Story: A Dream // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// Celestia stared at me.  “I signed this marriage license, therefore it’s binding.” “But it isn’t!  We didn’t get married!”  I gestured to Lemon, who was standing beside me. “And that isn’t my name!” she added. “Regardless of the reason you used to go by Feather Duster, it says Lemon Pledge right here,” Luna pointed out, reading the marriage license. “Neither of us applied for this,” I argued. “But you must have, because only ponies getting married can apply for marriage licenses.” “That’s what I’m trying to say!  Somebody must have faked this with our names!” “Who?” I didn’t have a clue. A tiny part of the back of my mind reminded me that I’d recently been losing hours at a time, unable to remember what I had been doing.  I told it to shut up or I’d lobotomize it. “I don’t know!  Why would anyone want us to get married?” “Could it have to do with the fact her family is one of the wealthiest in Equestria?” Celestia said. “Huh?”  I looked at Lemon, who didn’t meet my eyes. “Oh yes,” said Celestia.  “I daresay her sizeable castle staff salary pales in comparison to the daily allowance her parents gave her as a foal.  So does yours.” Shit, really?  Now, I ain’t sayin’ I’m a gold digger, but when I’m in need... “But wait,” I said to Lemon.  “If that’s true, then why are you working at all?” Lemon glanced away.  “I...got bored.” “Unfortunately, I can’t help you there,” said Celestia.  “Also, I should remind you of castle policy not to employ spouses.  One of you has to go. I’ll give you until the end of the day to decide who.” “This job was never worth it,” I said, turning for the door.  “I’m out.” “Don’t you want to go to the moon?” Luna said. I stopped. “For that, you’ll need funding and access, will you not?” “I’ve been a self-made man before, I can do it again.” “Interesting that you didn’t also mention your wife’s large inheritance.  Didn’t you just receive an especially generous early payment, Lemon?” I needed to get to the moon and figure out where the mysterious radio transmission was coming from.  I could keep working for Celstia and Luna and hope they weren’t just stringing me along. I could do the best acting of my life and transform myself into the perfect trophy husband for Lem-er, Feather Duster.  I could get out there and put my back into making my own way and rebuilding everything I used to have from scratch. Man, those options sucked.  God damn I would sell my soul to be back in my previous world and not have to go through this bullshit.  I would literally do that. Hell, I would literally sell my soul just to be able to contact Sir Win in this universe so that I could sell my soul to go back to my previous one.  I wasn’t sure how many people I would have to kill and eat to add up to a second soul, but maybe I wasn’t really thinking this through logically, which you would think I should be capable of considering how crushingly sober I was right now. Just then, Prince Blueblood stumbled in.  His mane was still in the bell-shaped style in which I’d left it days ago.  Luna snorted. Celestia said, “There he is, the talk of Canterlot himself.” Blueblood drew himself up.  “I’ll have you know that I’ve made the front page of the newspaper three days in a row.” “Wait, you’re getting a celebrity out of this?” I said.  “Not just ridicule?” “Indeed I am,” he said.  “I have paparazzi following me.” “You look ridiculous,” Luna said. “But I am talked about,” Blueblood retorted. “Oh my God,” I whispered to myself.  “It’s a Kardashian gambit.” “What was that?” Celestia said. I turned to her.  “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.  The public sees and demands more. They think it’s ridiculous, they know it’s bullshit - but they want it.  And I’m going to give it to them.” I pointed my hoof at her face.  “Screw you, I’m out, there’s a hair salon calling my name.” “Why are you on my couch again!?” I glanced at Twilight and turned back to my work.  “I quit my job so I can build a new airship after the last one was destroyed.  Well, first I have to design it, and get money to build it, and start a business that provides a service for which people will pay me.  In the meantime, here I am.” I’d also spent some time trying to figure out what I had been doing during my little blackouts.  I’d hoped I could have followed wax tracks from my hooves the other day, but since then the pegasi had scheduled a heat wave and they’d all melted away. “You quit at the castle?”  Twilight sounded honestly surprised.  “I would have thought your megalomania would have kept you as close to the seat of power as possible.” “Your government is bullshit.  I’ve already handily demonstrated that I’m pretty much above the law, so being in a nominal low-effort position close to the Princesses was so tedious I decided it wasn’t even worth the money.  Also, I think the B1R I’m building is more important.” I still didn’t have the technology base built up to produce heavier-than-air aircraft, so I would just have to do a more advanced airship.  Since it was a clean sheet design, I could do pretty much whatever I wanted with it, and first priority was weapons. Considering it was an airship, attacks would be primarily air-to-ground, so I might as well call it a bomber.  It was my first design, so number one. I added the R because that makes things go faster. “What’s a B1R?” said Twilight. “Snerk.  Of course you’ve never seen one before.” “Did you just say ‘snerk?’  And what is it?” “Like I’d show you my B1R before I present it to the public.  It’s going to be huge.” She shook her head and started to leave the room.  “Whatever you say, Valiant.” “Laugh at my B1R, will you?  I’ll show you many B1R’s I can make!” Well, if there was that much public interest, anyway.  Just like an erection, sometimes airships are things you can only make for yourself. Something was still missing, though.  If the airship I was designing was as high-performance as I hoped, I might have trouble staying aboard during high-g maneuvers. “Also, Twilight, since you’re not using them, can I borrow your magic alicorn seatbelts?” Her wings involuntarily popped up and she took a step back.  “How did you know about that!?” “...because I’ve seen them?  Is that a big deal?” She shook her head.  “I don’t have time to discuss this right now.  I’m going to Trivia Trot.” “I consider myself pretty good at trivial things.” “I’m the two-time, soon to be first-to-threepeat Trivia Trot champion!” “I said I was pretty good, not that I was Twilighting levels of nerdiness.” Twilight looked like she wanted to be angry, but then she shook her head.  “No, I can’t let you distract me. Any more than you already have. I was in the zone before you stopped by, and now I have to get back into it.”  She turned and walked out. Still, she had me curious.  Trivia about what? I wandered down to the Trivia Barn after Twilight.  Huh, so that was what it was for. I had always wondered, though I guess in a town where they had a store to buy Quills and Sofas, they could also have a specific building just to hold trivia night.  It was no Richard Nixon Multipurpose Community Auditorium, but it wasn’t bad. Upon realizing that I was following her, however, Twilight started to hyperventilate.  “No! You can’t come in!” “Why not?” She whipped out a huge graph with a bunch of data and ponies’ names.  “Based on the regular attendees of trivia night, I’ve charted every potential teammate’s strengths and weaknesses, plus my percentage of winning with each one, and you attending would throw it completely out of whack!” “You think I don’t know trivia?” “That isn’t what I said, and I’m not asking you to prove it, either!  I mean that I can’t predict what would happen-” “I don’t care.”  I walked past her into the building. Applejack was maybe the last person I expected to see at a trivia event, but there she was.  She glanced over my shoulder out the door. “Somethin’ wrong with Twi? She must be Twilighting over the pressure.  Tonight she could become first pony to win three Trivia Trots in a row.” “That would explain it.” I saw Rainbow.  She was maybe the second to last person I would expect.  Then again, she probably heard there was winning and losing to be done.  Then Sunburst walked in. Finally, a nerd. And then Fluttershy walked in.  “I hope there’s a question category on fur maintenance for adorable creatures, because I’ve been brushing up.” If she hadn’t giggled at her own joke, I probably wouldn’t have even caught it.  Fluttershy, joking? “Technically, that was a category last week,” said a flat voice in response to Fluttershy. “Oh goddamnit,” I said.   It was Mudbriar.  He turned to look at me. “How’s your dick?” I asked. “...absent.” “Good.” “We’ve been going on adventures to find it,” said Maud.  “Though so far success has eluded us.” I didn’t actually know where the thing had gone after Mudbriar had been temporarily petrified and had it broken off, but that was okay, because it wasn’t the kind of thing I would have wanted to keep around anyway. “How does this affect your relationship?” I asked cautiously. “We decided not to have kids anyway,” said Maud.  “My rocktorate took a while to earn, and we both are so caught up in our work that it would be professionally difficult to organically start a family.” “I’m not sure if that was a rocks-are-inorganic joke or if it was just a lead-in to adoption plans.” ‘“Sure sounded like a joke to me!” Pinkie shouted as she came in. “Pinkie Pie!?” Twilight also shouted, pausing in her scribbling notes on her chart.  Apparently now she had to deal with two ponies she’d never seen at trivia before. Maud seemed to notice, too.  “Does this happen a lot?” I asked. “Twilighting?  Yes.” We watched Spike try to console Twilight.  “Do I have to do that thing where I list all your successes as Princess of Friendship to put things into perspective and remind you this is just a game?” “Spike!  This has nothing to do with being the Princess of Friendship!  And this is not just a game! This!  Is! Trivia Trot!.” I facehoofed and sighed.  “As often as I see her do this, I still can’t believe it.  Not that I would promote drug use for the already unstable, but I really can’t think of a better way to get Twilight to calm down than getting her stoned.” “I think you’re speaking figuratively, and not about actual stones,” Maud said.  “But you should try it anyway.  Trust me, I’m a rocktor.” Before I could figure out where to procure marijuana, Granny Smith, who was apparently the game master, started calling out the random-draw teams.  Rainbow was paired with Mathilda the mule. Sunburst was with Cranky. Fluttershy was with Bulk Biceps. Twilight was with Pinkie, much to her consternation.  Maud and Mudbriar were together. Applejack was paired with Doctor Whooves.  The doctor had, in the past, seemed to know more than he was letting on.  I wondered if it was the same for this universe, and made a mental note to ask him. I realized that I was the last one standing around without a partner.  Granny dug my name out of the drawing jar and looked around. “Who wants to be this feller’s partner?” Mrs. Cake stepped up.  I shrugged. She probably knew stuff.  I figured our complete opposite life experiences would probably complement each other. All the trivia groups sat down at individual tables with our dinger bells, and the game began. Granny read the first question.  “Who is the pony that despises the holiday season in the old classic A Hearth's Warmin' Tale?” As a former avatar of Christmas, I kind of had to know the Equestrian version of things.  I dinged the bell on the table in front of me. “Snowfall Frost.” One point for us.  Mrs. Cake smiled at me. The next question.  “Which topographical locale used to be a cavern, but after thousands of years of erosion, is now a gorge?” There was only one gorge in Equestria that I knew about.  Ding.  “Ghastly Gorge.” Twilight stared at me from across the room, surprise tinged with horror. Fluttershy got the next one.  Which variety of apple only blooms for five days?  Zap apples. The game continued.  We took a snack break.  Pinkie was totally torpedoing Twilight’s attempt at a three-peat.  Mrs. Cake and I actually held our own pretty well. She even showed off some Olde Ponish she had apparently picked up from reading archaic recipes. Mrs. Cake may also have known “What flavor cupcakes did Princess Celestia order for Princess Luna's surprise birthday party last year?” but since I had just recently worked in the castle, I knew it, too.  “Double midnight chocolate fudge with chili pepper frosting.” Also, yuck.  I guess when you get to be a couple thousand years old, you’ll eat anything just to feel something.  That really said a lot about Celestia, honestly. I correctly answered a question about how flint can be used to start fires - I’d done it. Desperately falling behind, Twilight engineered a plan to get Pinkie and Cranky disqualified so Sunburst could be her new partner.  It didn’t help much. I was on a roll and answered questions about Tirek and Daring Do’s hat. You might say I had personal experience with them both. Sunburst almost got Twilight disqualified, but then she realized she was a terrible person and got Pinkie and Cranky back in the game.  I wondered how long until she forgot everything she had ever learned about friendship again. Mrs. Cake correctly answered a question about Ponyville Day Spa's most popular candle, and with that we wrapped up an easy win.  I mean, if everyone else could just chill the hell out and play a goddamned game, they might have done better. “So what so we win?” I asked. Nothing, as it turned out.  I mean, my consolation prize was that Twilight hated me now, but she hated me before, too. Shit, if we were only in it for bragging rights, I guess I got them, but I couldn’t even really stick it to Twilight because of how sad she’d been at being petty over a game. The event over, people started drifting out of the trivia place.  I’d mostly finished up my airship design, so I figured I should probably get around to setting up my hair salon. Snippy Snip the salonist was sweeping up when I violated his closed sign and stepped into his store.  Startled, he said, “Son, how did you sneak in here?” I gestured over my shoulder.  “I’m good with doors.” I turned and picked up the closed sign, turning it over, and wrote Prince Blueblood bell-shaped haircuts - patent pending - ten bits. Putting the sign back in the window, I said, “I have a proposal for you.  How would you like to sell out to consumerism?”