The sun-baked desert stretched for endless iles in all directions. Two mares crested a rise, hooves kicking up dust and startling the occasional lizard or desert-dwelling rodent.
Of these mares, one had a sun-bleached lavender coat and a pink-streaked blue-violet mane and tail; she was draped in stark white blankets and a matching poncho, with heavy saddlebags clanking noisily against her flanks as she walked. Her gait was more of a trudge; her eyes were dull and weary, heavy with telltale bags.
The other mare was more upbeat and cheerful in both attitude and appearance. The twin suns had not managed to leach any vibrancy from her bubblegum pink coat nor her poofy, vividly pink mane and tail. Even with the heavy suede poncho draped over her and the bulging saddlebags she carried, she was positively bouncing alongside her companion.
"How far do you reckon it is to St. Germain, huh Twilight?"
"A few more iles, Pinkie."
"Goodie! I can't wait to see what kind of sweets they have there...Strong had all those tasty sugar bubbles but they also had that weird--"
"Could you PLEASE focus, Pinkie?!" Twilight interrupted. "We're not on a world food tour. We're on an important mission!"
"We are?" Pinkie asked, confused.
Twilight facehoofed. "The whole reason we're OUT HERE in the middle of nowhere, remember? What the chief sent us out to do?"
"I...uh...huh?"
The purple pony sighed in frustration. "Nevermind. Just...keep your eyes peeled. She could be anywhere. If we're not careful, we could end up dead. Or worse."
"Who could be anywhere, Twilight?" Pinkie asked.
"HER. The Equine Typhoon. The pony with a bounty of sixty billion bits on her head. The pony we were sent to find. Dash the Stampede."
=THE 60,000,000,000 BIT PONY=
"Dash the Stampede? Why, I heard she passed through Weseluck 'round about a few days ago."
"Yeah, an' y'heard what happened to th' town, right?"
"Oh yeah, I heard there ain't nothin' left nowhere, 'cept a pile of bodies."
"Naw, what I heard is, a lotta ponies got hurt, but ain't nopony got killed."
"Kinda like a miracle without Celestia?"
Everywhere she went, she was used to hearing this kind of gossip.
Presently, she was seated on a cloudstool in a saloon called Thirsty Wings, a pegasus bar that perpetually hovered above the town of St. Germain. She tried her hardest to drown out the incessant chatter as she poured a shot of Zap Cider.
So engrossed was she in her drink that she almost failed to notice the entire top half of the bar disappearing.
The other barflies had completely freaked out and bolted for any convenient exit, of course--those that were still whole, anyway. Quite a few of them had been shorn in half by the enormous cloudplow that had demolished the saloon.
The cloudplow sailed back on its original course and was caught in the mouth of a massive, heavily-muscled white pegasus stallion with tiny wings and bulging legs that had been liberally modified with the sort of odd, barely-reliable steampunk implants one saw all over this Celestia-forsaken planet.
"YEEEEAH!!" the hulking horse roared, bloodshot beady red eyes bulging. His thick red duster coat billowed impressively about his hooves. All around him, several smaller pegasi raised hailguns. The rapid staccato thunder of gunfire roared out; the din was joined by the ear-splitting cacophony of shattering glass as the saloon's surviving wares spilled out into the fluffy clouds, which were themselves being chewed to wispy white shreds by hundreds of small hailstones. Within seconds, the saloon had ceased to exist, save for one cloudstool, upon which sat one mare, holding a bottle of Zap in one sky-blue hoof.
She looked up, magenta eyes narrowed annoyance. With her free hoof, she flipped a pair of orange-tinted glasses onto her face, adjusting them as she stood, kicking away the stool she had been seated upon. Setting aside her bottle, she dipped her snout into a pocket of her travel-worn old red longcoat, emerging with a massive chrome steel revolver clenched in her teeth. She took one step forward with her left front hoof, which was wrapped tightly in black leather and shod with a gleaming, studded steel shoe. The wind picked at strands of her wild rainbow-hued mane.
The cylinder of her revolver clicked once, the small sound somehow deafening in the stillness of the sudden showdown.
- - - - - - -
"Dash the Stampede?" the sheriff asked. "Yeah, I saw him. Him an' his whole damned posse, come ridin' right inta town like Hell's own cavalry."
The stallion who had just woken him up from his nap scowled, the wild blond mustache above his lip quivering. "Him? But...Dash the Stampede is a mare, not a--"
"Nah, he's a stallion alright," the sheriff interrupted. "Saw him myself. Big fella. Huge. Pegasus, tiny wings. Earrings in both ears, bloodshot red eyes. Wears a red coat. Carries a huge weapon." He gestured vaguely with a hoof. "Saw 'im ter headin' east, that was right around supper yesterday. Want my advice? Stay away. Y'heard about Weseluck, right? Whole town shot right t' hell. Funny thing is, nopony died. Lotta ponyfolk got hurt, but nopony died."
The blond-mustached stallion snorted. "Like a miracle without Celestia, huh?" He shook his head, his long blond mane fanning out from beneath his wide-brimmed hat. "Anyway, thanks." He tossed two bits onto the desk and turned, adjusting the harness carrying his rifle. The tail of his gray suede coat whispered on the ground around his hooves as he turned and left.
- - - - - - -
Two exhausted mares trudged into a saloon in St. Germain. They had hoped to stop and rest in Weseluck, but by the time they arrived, the town was in shambles, the latest victim of the Equine Typhoon.
"What'll it be, ladies?" the stallion behind the bar asked.
Twilight slammed a purple hoof on the bar, upsetting and annoying a white bunny that had been napping there. "I'll have an alfalfa smoothie and an oat muffin with raisins!"
"And I'll have a big piece of raspberry meringue pie!" her pink companion bubbled. "Oh, with whipped cream and a cherry! Oooh, and ice cream!"
The bartender stared flatly at them.
The patrons, a collection of rough, ill-mannered, drunken stallions, laughed raucously and gathered around them. "Hey now, just where'n the hay d'you think you are, little lady?" asked a stallion whose cutie mark was completely encrusted with lice eggs.
"This ain't one'a them fancy-dancy city places, silly filly," another pony with a cloud of flies swarming around his hindquarters grunted in a gravelly voice. "You wanna make a joke like that, you gotta remember t' ask fer milk."
"Yeah, we'll give you all the mi--" the speaking stallion's mouth abruptly snapped shut, surrounded in a red-violet magical glow.
"You really don't want to go there," Twilight advised sweetly.
Beside her, there was a loud, sharp THUMP; the entire saloon shook. The gathered barflies stared, wide-eyed, at the massive, colorful, gaudily-decorated cannon which had fallen out of the pink mare's saddlebag.
"Whoopsie," Pinkie lamented. "Broke another saddlebag."
"Good thing you have a spare, huh?" Twilight asked.
"Yeah..."
As Pinkie resecured her frighteningly large weapon, and the bar patrons scurried away from the two mares, Twilight turned back to the bartender. "We're looking for information about Dash the Stampede."
"Oh, him," the bartender grunted. "Yeah, saw him an' his posse breeze through town a little while ago. Reckon we're lucky t' still be alive."
"I thought Dash was a mare?" Pinkie asked.
"Naw, Dash is a big ol' fella. White, red eyes, tiny wings, earrings in both ears. Wears a big ol' red coat an' carries a huge weapon." He paused to spit into a glass and wipe it with a grimy rag. "Yep, heard he done steamrolled right over Weseluck, t'ain't nothin' left but rubble an' a whole lotta scared, confused ponies." He peered sharply at the two mares. "Don't tell me two sweet li'l things like you...you ain't after that bounty...?"
"We're only here on business," Twilight said curtly. "So, which way was he heading?"
"East, I reckon," the bartender said with a snort and a shrug. "Y'all better get a move-on if'n ya want first crack at him."
"Thanks," Twilight said, turning to leave. "Come on, Pinkie."
"But...I never got my raspberry meringue..."
"NOW!" Twilight snapped. Pinkie squeaked and bounded after the irritable unicorn.
- - - - - - -
"I'm telling you, boss, I don't think that was Dash," a dark gray stallion with a short-chopped mane and tail said. He let out a choked whinny as the massive white pegasus cuffed him on the head with a steel-clad hoof.
"AN' I TOLD YOU, I DO THE THINKIN' AROUND HERE. YEAH!!"
"S-sorry boss..."
The overly muscled pegasus returned to scanning the dusty, rocky terrain below with his beady red eyes. "Now, where the hell'd that slippery little shit..."
At the base of the mountain, the posse was busily searching for their escaped quarry. An old stallion with a gray mane and mustache crept stealthily along the ground, gun clenched tightly in his mouth.
Had he been looking up instead of down, he'd have noticed the red-garbed blue pegasus mare falling out of the sky. He'd have noted, with an appropriate level of alarm, that she was about to collide with him at potentially catastrophic speeds.
However, the poor old pony failed to notice any of this, which is how he wound up flat on the ground, his spine twisted at an odd angle, as the very mare he was searching for crashed plot-first into his face.
He might've even enjoyed that last part, if he were still conscious.
"CRAP that was close!" the mare said as she stood, dusting herself off. She looked down at the old-timer she'd landed on, and smirked. "Enjoy the show? Think I'll charge you, oh...all your bullets for that."
As she rifled through the stallion's possessions, she reflected on the incredibly awkward moment, back at the remains of the saloon, where she realized she was completely out of ammunition.
"Talk about being hip-deep in manure," she muttered. "Almost bought the farm there..."
"THERE SHE IS!" a voice cried from a rocky outcropping.
"CRAP!" the mare spat, bucking the unconscious old-timer's gun at the lookout. It collided with his face, knocking him off the rock. Three more ponies popped up behind him, raining hailfire on the sky-blue pegasus. Whinnying, she rounded up her newly-acquired stash of ammunition and scrambled for cover.
"IT'S NO USE HIDIN'," a rough voice bellowed from above. "WE KNOW YOU'RE DOWN THERE, DASH THE STAMPEDE! YYEEEEEAHH!!"
"Alright, if you want a fight--"
She heard a click and felt hard, unyielding metal press against her right ear.
"--shit."
- - - - - - -
"So what's the plan?"
Pinkie and Twilight were galloping briskly over the rocky terrain. "Well, we catch up to Dash, and we give him the peace offering..."
"We're only giving him one piece? I thought we were giving him the whole box! Oooh, can I have the rest?"
Twilight muttered something impolite under her breath. "Look, just...stay on your guard, okay?"
"Okey-dokey-lokey!"
Ahead, through the shimmering waves of the afternoon heat, they could see a huge, red-clad pony. Several other armed ponies stood around him; at the base of the mountain just ahead, a miserable-looking blue mare with a wild, rainbow-colored mane was tied up helplessly.
"There he is. That's him." The two mares slowed to a trot.
"Okay boys, good work. Let's get out little bounty head here to the feds--"
"Hey boss, look behind you."
The massive pegasus turned, fixing his red eyes on the two mares. He sneered. "Whadda YOU want?" he grunted.
The two mares crept slowly toward him. The purple unicorn's horn glowed; a cardboard box lifted itself out of her saddlebag and hovered in front of her face as she approached. The pink mare behind her was hunched down, trying her best to hide behind her friend's rump, eyes wide and terrified, ears flat against the sides of her head.
"Mister Dash the Stampede?" the unicorn began. "My name is Twilight Sparkle. On behalf of the Barnyardelli Insurance Society, my partner Pinkie Pie and I would like to present to you this token of respect..."
"Nice, Twilight!" Pinkie whispered.
The white stallion snorted. "You fillies with her?" he asked, gesturing with an enormous hoof at the trussed-up mare on the ground, who offered a sheepish grin.
"No," Twilight said curtly. "As I said, we're representatives of the Barnyardelli Insu--"
A gunshot rang out, silencing her.
The posse turned and stared up. Perched atop the rocks was a steely-eyed, brown-coated, blond-maned unicorn stallion with a mustache. A wide-brimmed black Stetson topped his head, and his long gray duster flapped in the hot wind. A cross-shaped shotgun hovered in front of him, enveloped in a brown magical aura. The ponies on the ground heard the sound of another shell being chambered as the stallion's narrowed eyes came to light on the hulking pegasus. "There you are, my little sixty-billion-bit pony."
The pegasus snorted. "Who the hell are YOU?"
"My name is Loose Hoof," the unicorn said in a calm, conversational tone. "Also known in some parts as Constance Rifle. I'm a bounty hunter, and I've come to collect your head, Mister Dash the Stampede."
The blue pegasus on the ground blinked. "Wait what?"
The dark-gray pegasus henchpony laughed. "Oh man! Hey boss, this guy thinks you're Dash!"
The white stallion blinked. "Huh? What the hell?"
"Don't try to deny it!" Loose Hoof said, gun aimed squarely at the massive pony's face. "I heard it all from a reliable source. Dash the Stampede is a huge white pegasus with tiny wings, beady red eyes, earrings, a big red coat, and a huge weapon."
"Uh-huh, that's what we heard too," Pinkie spoke up, coming out from behind Twilight.
The hulking horse snorted. "You dumbass," he replied, "Dash the Stampede is a mare in a red coat, with a big handgun!"
Loose Hoof blinked, as did Twilight and Pinkie. "That's weird," Twilight said, "the rumors don't match at all."
The white pegasus' henchpony suddenly noticed something, and sidled up to his boss. "Hey boss," he whispered, "look..."
As Loose Hoof's duster flapped in the wind, its red satin lining was clearly visible.
The stallion grinned. "YYYYYEEEEEEEAH!!" he whinnied. "So that's your game, is it? Even came up with that stupid fake name...Dash the Stampede! C'mon boys, LET'S GET 'IM!" He slung the massive cloudplow out of the sheath on his back and took to the air, his posse spreading out around him.
Loose Hoof backed up a step, his shotgun wavering. "Well I'll be damned," he whispered softly. "So that's how--"
"Oh my gosh! The Equine Typhoon is on the loose! This is bad!" Pinkie squeaked. "What do we do?"
"What do we do?" Twilight asked. "I'll tell you what we do..."
- - - - - - -
"We get the hay outta here!" the purple unicorn cried as the two mares galloped back to St. Germain as fast as their hooves could carry them.
"But should we really run away?" Pinkie asked. "I mean, aren't we abandoning our post?"
"Right now, it's more important that we warn the townsponies," Twilight replied. "The same thing that happened in Weseluck could happen here, and if we can get everypony out of town--" She trailed off. "Wait..." She turned to look behind and to her right, eyes narrowed. "Hey, you...!!"
The blue pegasus mare had somehow managed to extricate her wings and one forehoof from the ropes binding her, and was racing alongside the two ponies, happily chowing down on the box of cupcakes Twilight had been carrying earlier. "Ffnks ff thf fffd," she said around a mouthful of frosting. Licking her lips, she added, "That really hit the spot!"
"HEY!" Twilight cried. "That wasn't for you, you--"
"So, don't tell me you ponies are after that bounty too," the rainbow-haired pegasus said as she finished off the last cupcake.
"No, we're not," Twilight said. "Our company sent us to find Dash the Stampede and stick to him like glue 24/7--" She trailed off as she realized she was talking to empty air.
The blue pegasus had stopped a short distance back, wings beating idly, blinking distractedly behind her orange glasses.
An idea suddenly formed, and Twilight circled back. A money pouch floated out of her saddlebag, and several coins drifted out, landing in front of the bound pegasus. "Tell you what," she said. "How about in exchange for this and the cupcakes, you go on ahead and warn the townsponies about Dash?"
"Twilight, you're not thinking of--" Pinkie asked, a hoof raised to her mouth.
"Yep," Twilight replied, face set in a hard, determined expression. "We're gonna go back up there, and we're gonna do our job!"
The ropes binding the blue mare glowed magenta and began to unravel.
"There, that takes care of that," Twilight said happily, smiling at the pegasus. "So, we're agreed then? Good! Good luck!" With that, she and Pinkie charged back in the opposite direction, toward the battle they had just left.
The rainbow-haired pegasus just stared after them.
- - - - - - -
"Wow, it's quiet up here," Pinkie whispered as the two mares entered the shadowy pass near the outcropping where the stallions had been fighting.
"Yeah...wait, there they all are. Doesn't look like anypony's injured," Twilight said softly.
"But didn't they kill that bounty hunter?" Pinkie asked.
A shotgun pumped behind her, its muzzle buried in her flank. "Not exactly," Loose Hoof said calmly.
"Huh? Hoof, did you find 'er?" the gruff voice of the bulky pegasus called out.
"No, it's just those two silly mares from before," Hoof replied, gesturing for the two ponies to trot out into the open.
The white pegasus snorted. "An' what th' hell're you two doin' back here?" he grunted.
"Mister Dash the Stampede," Twilight began, bowing down low with her front hooves, "on behalf of the Barnyardelli Insurance Society--"
"Ah, shut up, I don't really care," the stallion snorted dismissively, beady eyes scanning the ridge line. "Any sign of her at all?" he asked the bounty hunter.
Hoof shook his head. "Pretty sure she's cleared outta here by now..."
"Dammit, it took forever to catch that little bitch..."
Twilight blinked. "Wait...you're all working together now?"
"Well, when we realized we'd made a mistake..." Hoof began.
"Hey, YOU made the mistake," his erstwhile partner rumbled, jabbing with a hoof for emphasis. "We HAD Dash, but YOU let her get away..."
"It doesn't matter," Hoof said dismissively. He eyed the two mares. "Well, I suppose we should get back to town, see if maybe she's gone back that way. But first..."
The hulking white pegasus followed his gaze, beady red eyes narrowing. He leered. "YEEEEAH..."
Twilight's eyes narrowed. Her saddlebags suddenly burst open, and several dozen tiny pistols erupted from within, surrounding the surprised stallion and pointing right at him. "Don't. Even. Think about it."
The pegasus gulped.
Hoof coughed. "Now, Miss...t'ain't no need to get all in a huff over a little...misunderstanding..."
"Oh, I think we 'understood' just fine," Pinkie said from behind him, blue eyes narrowed. Hoof turned and swallowed audibly as he beheld the enormous pink cannon aimed right at his flank.
"Ah...heheh...yeah..." the musclebound stallion said nervously, ears twitching as he backed away from the two mares. "Um...we'll just get back to lookin' for..."
He fell to the ground suddenly as a colorful blur shot past him, scattering Twilight's magically-levitated guns all over the place. The flying blur curved, leaving a rainbow trail in its wake as it slammed into Loose Hoof, who was knocked clear into the wall of the mountain pass, nearly knocking over a startled Pinkie Pie.
"What the--?" the white pegasus grunted, shaking his head to clear it. He looked up, and his eyes widened. "YOU!"
"Now, you fellas weren't gonna throw down over little ol' me, were ya?" the blue pegasus asked, batting her eyes playfully as she hovered in the air.
"GET 'ER, BOYS!" the bulky brute below bellowed.
The pegasus posse took to the air, their hailguns blasting away. The red longcoat of the blue mare flapped wildly around her flank as she dodged, ducked, and dived at dizzying speeds. Twilight and Pinkie could only stare in shock and awe.
"She's...she's crazy..." Twilight breathed. "Totally, completely horse-apple crazy..."
"Could she be..." Pinkie wondered, blinking her bright blue eyes. "Could she really be...Dash the Stampede?"
"No. There's no way. There's absolutely no way that completely insane pony is the world's most dangerous outlaw..."
"DIE, YOU LITTLE--!" the muscular horse bellowed, unlimbering his cloudplow. The belted mechanism on his foreleg whirred and hummed to life as he drew back to throw.
High in the sky, the blue mare listed wildly to the side, dodging the enormous blade as it whizzed past...in the direction of the two insurance mares. Scowling, she darted after it, violently kicking it to knock it off course. It slammed into Loose Hoof, who had just been getting to his hooves, knocking him out cold again.
The rainbow-maned pegasus turned and faced the bulky stallion, cocky smirk firmly in place. She flew high into the air, then streaked down in a steep suicide dive. The beady red eyes of the white stallion widened in alarm as he took a hoof to the face and was laid out cold.
His posse bolted off in multiple directions, not daring to look back.
The blue pegasus came to a stop, hovering just above the two insurance mares, who blinked up at her. "Well, whaddya think?" she asked, grinning cockily. "Did I work off the money and the cupcakes?"
"You...came back...to save us?" Twilight asked.
"Eh, I couldn't just leave ya hangin'," the rainbow-maned mare said.
A cluster bomb tumbled across the rocky ground, landing just beneath her hooves.
The three mares looked down at it.
"Oh SHI--"
- - - - - - -
A bedraggled Twilight Sparkle sat at a desk in their room at the inn in Klassen. A quill floated through the air in front of her, scratching furiously on a sheet of parchment.
"Our investigation has determined that the rockslide which destroyed half of St. Germain was caused by the illegal use of explosives by a bounty hunter named Loose Hoof. Please pay all insurance claims related to this incident as per company policy." She sighed, setting the quill down. "And we still haven't completed our mission...we never DID find Dash the Stampede..."
Behind her, Pinkie lay on her back on the comfortable feather bed, snoring loudly, a huge bubble of snot dangling from one nostril.
- - - - - - -
"Didja hear about St. Germain?"
"Yeah, they said Dash the Stampede buried half the town in a pile of rubble."
"Yeah. Strange thing is, nopony got hurt."
"Who needs Celestia for a miracle, huh?"
The wind carried the gossip through and past the ears of a blue pegasus mare in a red longcoat, who flapped slowly east, the setting suns at her back making her shadow stretch out in front of her.
It's in our nature to doubt what's right in front of our eyes. Sometimes you wonder, "is this the truth?" Sometimes you wonder, "is this really right?"
It's in our nature to wonder about those we encounter in life.
The next chapter of Skygun, "Wonder of Doubt", is gonna be 20% cooler...