//------------------------------// // Breaking Bizarre Laws. // Story: BIZARRO Am NOT iN EQUESTRIA // by Hotel_Chicken //------------------------------// BIZARRO POV When the new wagon was finally finished Trixie leapt for absolute joy at the prospect of preforming with me in Canterlot, especially with my new custom suit that Rarity made for me. At the moment, I was still wearing my Goon outfit that I had bought a few days ago over my Bizarro costume. Something I noticed in this world was that Ponies rarely, if ever, changed their clothes, mainly because a simple magic spell can instantly clean your favorite shirt so you never have to wash it. Trixie was able to help me out by cleaning my clothes whenever I took them off, but didn't use magic on them if I was wearing them. After the whole dragon fiasco and then her almost turning me into a teacup after touching some Poison Joke, Trixie had become more careful around me whenever she used her magic. Every time she would use a levitation spell or something small like that she would always look back to make sure she was a safe distance away from me. It didn't really matter though seeing as how I was only severely affected by weak traces of magic around me when the sun was blocked out. So, as long as she didn't fire a magic laser at me, levitate me, or teleport me I'd be fine. Anyway, the new wagon wasn’t too different from the one Trixie and I arrived in. The yellows and reds were a bit brighter, the wagon smelled like pure pine trees, and it had a new space distortion enchantment on it, but aside from that it looked and felt pretty much the same. After a few heartfelt goodbyes, good wishes, and one very tear-filled Pinkie Pie goodbye, Trixie and I made our way into the Everfree Forest towards Canterlot. With any luck the two princesses would be able to send me back home with their magic. If they could move the sun and the moon, then I could only imagine that they were powerful enough to rip holes in space and time… hopefully. It was a nice and quiet trip, but when we set up camp later that day I came across something that shouldn’t exist at ALL in this world. Sitting on the ground near a bush where I was about to do my business was, I shit you not (no pun intended), a genuine Lightsaber. It was a black and silver cylindrical handle with a few nobs that adjusted the power and the length of the blade. The pommel of the blade had a small metal ring attached to it, likely for hooking onto its user. There was also an engraving of a crescent moon carved into the handle near one of the aforementioned nobs. As I reached down and grabbed the weapon a familiar deep and menacing voice rang out inside my mind. “I am Darth Vader. I am the Sith Lord of the Crystal Empire and Griffonstone, Slayer of the false Changeling Queen, husband of Nightmare Moon, Sith Master to the Elements of Harmony, and teacher to the Prodigy Padawans, Spike the Dark Dragon and Twilight the Night Terror. Should you require my aid simply call upon me and I will assist you. However, if you plan to manipulate me and use me to attack those with kindness and purity in their hearts, I will cut you down. You have been warned. So says Darth Vader, the one true Sith Lord of Terra.” As the message finally finished playing, I grabbed my head as my headache started to die down. Holy shit Darth Vader is real… And I have his Lightsaber?! I immediately dropped the weapon and backed away several feet as if the Light Saber was infected with the plague, which it technically was to me. I did not want to be seen holding Darth Vader’s Lightsaber, especially since he would come looking for it. Having his property in my hands when he arrived wouldn't be a death wish, it would be suicide. My heart pounded in my chest as I desperately filled my lungs with air. As I was having my mini panic attack over the prospect of being hunter down by a real life Sith Lord, I began to think about what he had said. He claimed to be the Sith Lord of someplace called The Crystal Empire and Griffonstone. I had no idea what the heck Griffonstone was, but I remembered the Empire from the first Equestria Girls movie. I remembered that somepony named Candy or something was the ruler, not Darth Vader. He also said that he was a good guy. Well, at least he alluded to being a kind person, and he even claimed to be Spike and Twilight’s teacher at some point, along with being the master of something called the Elements of Harmony. It was weird though, neither Spike or Twilight ever once mentioned the Sith Lord. I also had no idea what the heck an Element of Harmony was, but it sounded good, even if they were being used by a Sith Lord. And he said he wouldn’t hurt anyone who was kind or pure of heart, something that I never thought someone like him would say. However, some other parts also stuck with me. Firstly, he married someone named Nightmare Moon, who just by the name alone sounded like a cliché villain. Secondly, he also apparently killed a Queen of someplace called Changeling, and last time I checked killing a Queen was something only a villain would do. And, on a more minor note, he also gave his Padawans really menacing names, something that didn't really scream "good guy" to me. "Me am have bad feeling about this..." I muttered under my breath. Despite the war of thoughts and ideas raging inside my mind, I decided to throw caution to the wind and see if I could reason with a temperamental Sith Lord. Genius, I know. I hesitantly reached for the weapon and picked it back up, the coldness of the handle chilled me to the bone but also gave me a small sense of hope as it that meant it wasn't used in a while, so maybe he would be grateful I found it if he lost it. I assumed that the Lightsaber had some kind of mind link to Darth Vader and attempted to call out to him. “Um… Hello? Bizarro am find sword. You want back?” I asked out-loud. Suddenly a blue colored portal opened up a few feet away from me allowing what should have been the Dark Lord of all things terrifying and evil to use. But that’s not what came out. What came out instead was the inanimate mummified corpse of someone wearing the tattered and destroyed remains of a silver and black moon themed version of Darth Vader’s armor that fell to the ground with a loud thud. It appeared to be missing it’s left arm and a good chunk of its torso. The right hand was gripped tightly around a Lightsaber that looked identical to the one in my hand. His left leg was bent at an unnatural angle, allowing the circuits and bones to poke through his armor. What little remained of his cape was burned to a crisp and was only long enough to partially cover his exposed back, allowing me to see the gaping hole that tore through his torso. His corpse was covered in a thick layer of red rust and ash that smelled like pure sulfur. The husks of dried up maggots clung to his decrepit skin like fleas, the only ones that moved were the maggots that fell off of the corpse when it hit the ground. However, the most terrifying detail was his mask. The left side of the face plate was completely destroyed, allowing me to see the mummified skull of Darth Vader underneath with a look of pure fear evident on what was left of his face. Right on top of his helmet, written in a sinister shade of red, was the word “Deleted”. It sent a shiver down my spine when I saw that. I didn’t even question how I was able to read the single word on his helmet as I backed away in fear. Somepony… No, someone or something did that to Darth Vader, the most badass villain in history. And it defiled his corpse with that ominous word written in blood red letters on his helmet. I had never felt more sickened in my life as I vomited from both the stench and the horrifying sight in front of me, the fresh sting of my vomit burned the back of my throat as I inhaled lung-fulls of air. My eyes began to water as I felt another surge of vomit crawl up my throat, I could do nothing but let my body react and fall to all fours as I gagged and vomited again. I looked back at the corpse with sheer horror in my eyes. My grip tightened around the Lightsaber in my hands but didn’t ignite it as I was waiting for whatever killed Darth Vader to suddenly appear too. However, the portal closed and I was left alone with an inanimate corpse. I’m not sure how long I stood there staring at the body as I listened to the forest around me. Every twig snap, every cricket, every soft growl, every single noise in the forest made me jump as I prepared for the worst to happen. But surprisingly, and almost unsettlingly, nothing else happened after the portal closed. After what felt like a millennium, I finally started to calm down and looked back at the corpse. Even if he was one of the evilest characters in fiction, I couldn’t help but feel sad for him. The Darth Vader I heard sounded… Nice? No, that wasn't it, he was authoritative and fearsome. But, he also sounded powerful and brave, like an inspiring leader who I could follow into battle without hesitation. As I finally collected my thoughts and calmed down, I looked back at the body with a mixture of sadness and sickness building up inside of me until I decided to dig a hole and give him a proper burial. The idea of burning the body ran through my mind but I quickly dismissed that thought, I felt like he deserved a proper burial. Digging a hole near the roots of a healthy tree, I walked over to the body and covered it's face with my brown leather jacket. After lifting the body up ever so gingerly I set him down in the six-foot hole and buried him along with my jacket. I didn’t dare look at his face again. As the final bit of dirt covered his unmarked grave, I took off my Flat cap and said a short prayer for the villain who I just buried. I’m not entirely sure why I did it, but it felt right to put his body to rest. The thought of giving him the Lightsaber in my hand appeared in my thoughts quickly, but vanished as soon as it arrived. The way it felt to me was similar to my stone medallion and Kryptonite ring. It felt… Safe. Like I could not only protect myself, but protect others as well. I hung it on my belt and threw away my boxers. Needless to say, I didn’t need to use a bush after that. The fire for our small camping spot danced with the wind, letting me see the silhouette of Trixie holding a marshmallow on a stick over the fire. I silently joined her with my own marshmallow, letting the flames of the fire burn my marshmallow before I popped it in my mouth. I didn’t tell Trixie anything that happened while I was away in the bushes and she didn’t ask. She did notice my lack of a brown leather jacket but didn’t seem to want to comment on it after she saw the look on my face. My mind was plagued with thoughts about Darth Vader’s corpse. Instantly I thought of my own situation and how I was sent to Equestria as Bizarro. Was there another human sent here as Darth Vader? But if there was another human, why did nopony talk about him? The Dark Lord isn’t someone you just ignore and don’t bring up. I’ve heard so much about Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, so why didn’t I hear a peep about him? More importantly, what killed him and why did that portal just appear in the air when I tried to contact him? So many questions raced through my mind, and yet not a single answer presented itself. At that moment, more than ever, I needed to find a way home. Thankfully, nothing of note happened for the rest of the trip to Canterlot, which we finished much more quickly due to me using a moderate amount of my super speed to pull the wagon through the day and through several nights. I wanted to get away from the forest, away from the corpse, and away from my thoughts and fears. The show we’d perform in Canterlot would be a great way to distract my mind. At least for a little while. It was around rush hour when we arrived in Canterlot and set up in front of one of the fountains near the castle. A few “commoners” or as I liked to call them, normal ponies were gathered around, probably expecting Trixie’s wagon to sell them something or other. A few nobles also gathered around, but I had a strong feeling that it was because they had nothing better to do. Pressing the release button inside Trixie’s new wagon a stage twice the size of the previous one erupted from its cramped compartment as Trixie began her grandiose speech. “COME ONE. COME ALL. AND WITNESS THE AMAZING MAGIC OF THE GRRREAT AND POWERFUL. TRRRRIIXIE!” Trixie exclaimed as the stage finished setting itself up, she then used a flash bomb to appear in the center of the stage. I asked why she didn't teleport into the smoke, and she told me the reason was that teleportation makes a very distinctive popping sound that the audience would be able to hear. It would also take away from the dramatic flare of her performance if the crowd knew what she did, so she uses the smoke to fake a different type of teleportation, silenced teleportation; An immensely difficult spell that very few unicorns can actually pull off. “And her lovely assistant, Bizzzzzarro!“ She yelled, giving me my cue to step out. A puff of green smoke erupted in front of the curtain and I stepped out from behind after Trixie introduced me. I was wearing some rather nice clothes that I helped Rarity design back in Ponyville. When I had suggested the idea of combining orange and purple to Rarity she called it, “Surprisingly stunning.” and said that it would go nicely with my chalk skin and black hair. I was wearing a bright orange waistcoat over a dark green dress shirt. Over that, I was also wearing a purple stripped tailcoat with matching pants, a black formal tie, a pair of bright purple gloves, and a sleek pair of black dress shoes. My left breast pocket had a yellow sunflower with Bizarro’s signature reverse superman symbol stitched onto the seeds of the flower. All in all, I looked like buff version of the classic comic book Joker without the green hair or lipstick. And I have to say, after seeing how some of the Nobles were dressed, I was certain that I was one of the sharpest dressers there. As I stepped out onto the stage next to Trixie I could feel the judging glares the Noble Stallions were giving me as the Noble Mares were staring at me with wide eyes and mouths agape. 
 “Watch in awe as The Great and Powerful Trixie and her lovely assistant, Bizarro, preform the most spectacular feats of magic ever witnessed by Pony eyes!” Trixie exclaimed as she set off the fireworks display behind her. And unfortunately, just like in Ponyville, nopony batted an eye at the pyrotechnics. We weren’t just going to rely on those to woo the audience thankfully, since Trixie had a ton of new tricks she wanted to show off. Twilight was kind enough to special order a book on performance tricks as a parting gift for Trixie before we left, so we had a fully stocked arsenal ready for the unsuspecting Nobles of Canterlot. As we were preparing to preform our next trick a group of white and grey ponies wearing golden Roman armor with blue plumes and spears were led by a white unicorn stallion with blonde hair and blue eyes wearing a black tuxedo. He looked about as muscular as Big Mac, and maybe even a bit taller than him too, but only if someone were to account his horn into his height. “Peasant. Do you have license to be doing this… Whatever it is here?” The blonde stallion asked in a posh, higher than thou tone. “License? Trixie has never needed license to perform in Canterlot before. Why would she need one now?” Trixie questioned. “Well, starting today all commoners are required to get the proper papers and certificates to ‘perform’ as you said. If you do not have permission than either pay a penalty fee or be whisked away to the Dungeons for trial.” He said. “T-the dungeons?!” Trixie said as she hid behind me. “Whoa, whoa. We am be reason able. There am no need for bars.” I said as I held up my hands in a calming gesture, hoping to reason with the white unicorn. “If you don’t have the papers or the bits then you must serve you sentence, filthy commoner. Guards!” ThesStallion said as he snapped his fingers. Suddenly, all of the guards were pointing their spears at us as two guards approached with handcuffs and one approached with a horn suppressor. “By order of Prince Blueblood you have now been placed under arrest. Any attempts to flee or avoid arrest will be met with hostile force.” The guard approaching with my handcuffs warned. “But we am do no wrong.” I said in our defense as he clamped the shackles around my wrists. “Um, excuse me ma’am, could you please put on this suppressor ring?” One of the guards asked Trixie as he gave her puppy dog eyes. Trixie rolled her eyes and did as she was told. “Guards, take them away and impound this hideous wagon.” The stallion, whom I assumed was Prince Blueblood, said. “Hideous?! Trixie’s wagon is beautiful you pompous prick!” Trixie yelled as she was then lifted in somepony else’s magic after lunging towards the white stallion in question. Trixie’s outburst didn’t seem to sit well with the supposed Prince, as he decided to glare at her. “You will hold your tongue commoner! Once my Aunty comes back she will punish you severely for insulting me.” “Oooohhh. Your ‘Aunty’ will come. Trixie is quivering in her luxurious and magnificent purple high heels.” Trixie responded. The Prince's hateful gaze soon morphed into a sadistic type of smug joy as he peered at Trixie. “Oh yes. My aunt, Princess Celestia, should make you very scared.” The Prince said smugly. Trixie immediately paled as she realized who she just insulted as we were escorted towards the dungeons. Now, I know what many people will ask, why didn’t I break out? I could very easily do it too since they were made from aluminum. While aluminum was a great material to block earth pony magic and unicorn magic, it couldn't do squat to a guy like me. So, I could have probably fought back, but they had magic and it hurt like a bitch when ponies used it on me. Not to mention punching a guard probably wouldn't be the smartest move if I wanted to to be in the princesses' good graces when I asked them if I could go home. Though getting locked up wouldn't really help me with that goal either. I didn't know why the hell magic hurt so much, it never did this to Superman in the comics. Then again, I'm different than him in more ways than just being Bizarro. For example, I don't think I was as strong or as fast as the real Superman, at best I could break Titanium and travel slightly faster than the speed of sound. Now that's nothing to idly sneeze at, it was still incredibly awesome by human standards, but it was still nowhere near the strength and speed of Superman since he could benchpress the planet and reverse its rotation. And, worst of all, while bad magic hurt Superman if it was used on him, all magic, even good or passive magic, harmed me in some way. If a simple levitation spell was able to hurt me while I was sick then what could a more dangerous spell do to me? It was a question that I never wanted to be answered, and hoped never would. Thankfully I still had my Kryptonite Ring Box tucked away in my tail coat, so if it came to a fight I might be able to use it. I knew that green Kryptonite made Ultraman stronger on Earth 3 in the comics, but I wasn't sure if it was the same for Bizarro. I mean, I don't think blue kryptonite made Superman stronger, so it probably wouldn't do much for me. Even so, it was worth a shot if it could possibly help us out in a pinch. The rest of my things, mainly my Lightsaber, I’ll definitely never gonna get used to that, and stone medallion were locked inside the wagon. I wasn’t too worried about my medallion because for all intense purposes it was just a rock with my new name on it. The Lightsaber however, that at least looked appealing, even if nopony knew what it was. And if they actually found out how to work one of those things… Well, I really didn’t want to test my invincibility against a blade made of hot plasma. But, I did a pretty good job of hiding it away in my belongings, I don’t think even Trixie knew I had it. As we were led through the streets in handcuffs and a horn suppressor, many of the Nobles and other ponies were looking at us with either interest or hate filled glares. The Mares stared at me with interest while the Stallions glared at me and the opposite happened for Trixie. I almost felt naked with so many people looking at me with their judgmental eyes. But I couldn’t just blow them all away with super breath. That is if I even have that. What would the opposite be? Would it be breathing in? It would probably be something stupid like that. I was able to test out some powers while in the Everfree Forest, such as using Fire Breath for starting our campfires and using my Telescope vision to see behind my while I pulled the Wagon. The latter power wasn't too useful and was actually quiet disorienting to use while walking. I tried to think of every time that power could be useful, and I could only think of using it to prevent sneak attacks. But even then, my super hearing did a better job of warning me because I could hear in all directions. And I could hear everypony talking at that moment. Dozens of voices filled my head as I heard judgmental conversations about me and Trixie. "He's repulsive." "Look at those filthy commoners." "Ugh. That mare is dressed awfully." "Street urchins." "Hopefully Princess Celestia will punish them." "Look at those bafoons." "Did you hear that that mare insulted the princess?" "They'll be shown their place." The hushed comments continued as we were escorted towards the castle and taken to a side entrance that led into the dungeons. Despite being a dungeon, it actually looked pretty nice. It wasn't a five star hotel or anything but it was clean, had decent lighting, and had a red shag carpet lining the floor of each cell. Trixie and I were placed into two cells across from each other at the far end of the dungeon with a guard stationed outside of each of our cells. My guard was a white unicorn stallion while Trixie's was a grey earth pony stallion. Another thing that I noticed was that the dungeon was surprisingly empty. Besides the two guards, the dungeons didn't have anypony in them. There were no criminals down here except for us, and even we didn't really even classify as criminals. Each of our cells were nearly identical. Red shag carpets lined the floor, in the right corner of each cell was a comfortable looking bed, and... and... And there was something important missing. "Um, guard. Where am potty?" I asked the guard who was standing at my cell. "Oh, if you need to go now then you'll have to wait. Bathroom time isn't for another ten minutes." He told me. Bathroom time... So we need to go to another room to use a bathroom. I'm glad nopony is going to stare at me while I'm using the toilet, but this is just demeaning. I'm a fully grown man, not a child! Even if I do say the word Potty. God damn Bizarro speak. "Here's your harmonica sir." The white unicorn guard offered. I looked at him with a raised eyebrow as he held the musical instrument towards me. “Bizarro am get Harmonic?” I asked skeptically. “Of course. You’re criminals, not Prisoners.” The guard said with a dismissive wave of his hand. That… made no sense to me. But, deciding not to look a Gift horse, or in this instance Gift pony in the mouth I shrugged and just took the harmonica to my seat. I played a few notes by blowing into it as I tested out my musical talent with this body. “Does Trixie get an instrument?” She asked. “Sorry, that there’s our only harmonica. All the criminals have to share that one.” The guard said. I instantly removed the harmonica from my lips and started rubbing whatever germs were on my mouth off. "Ummmm, you do clean it, right?" Trixie asked my guard. "DOH! I knew there was something I forgot to do. Sorry, I'm a little klutzy." The guard responded as I was still trying to clean off my lips with my sleeve. I didn't want any magic germs or something to get on me because of a mistake a stupid guard made. “Guard. Am Princess Celestia going to visit?” I asked, hoping that we could just explain the situation to her and get the hell out of this funhouse of a dungeon. From what Twilight told me, Princess Celestia was a very understanding pony and always does what she thinks is right. “Not today. Usually she meets all the new law breakers, but she went down to Ponyville for some business.” My guard said. I just stared at the guard wide eyed. “…..What?” I asked. “Yeah, apparently she needed to head there for some urgent business or something.” 
 He told me. "You're serious?!" Trixie yelled. "Yup. She should be back a little later tonight or tomorrow morning." The Guard at Trixie's cell replied. .... Nothing.... I could say nothing to that. All I could do was walk over to the nearest wall in my cell and count how many times I hit my head against it till the pain went away. Smack. “One…” Smack. “Two…” Smack. “Pineapple…” Smack. “Four…” Smack. “Seven...” “You alright there?” The guard stationed at my cell asked. “Yup. Bizarro am just trying learn numbers. Elephant…” Smack. "Seven again..." Smack. Trixie tried to tell me to stop hitting the wall with my face but her pleas fell on deaf, super-hearing, ears. I’m not sure how long I banged my head on the wall for, but when I finally stoped there was a deep imprint of my face engraved into the wall of my cell. If I continued, I could have accidentally Saw Shank Redemptioned myself out of the dungeon with my face alone. I turned towards my bars to see that three more guards had apparently joined the other two and were all watching me intently. Something of note was that they were all stallions with white or grey skin. The only differences between them were their heights, eye color, and the fact that they were either a unicorn, earth pony, or pegasus. As I was looking at them they exchanged bags of bits between each other. “Told ya he’d make it over an hour.” The tallest of the guards said, who appeared to reach my chin. He was a large grey skinned pegasus in a slightly darker gold version of their guard armor. He was larger than the average stallion, he looked strong like Big Mac and that Prince Blueblood guy, but still paled in comparison to Snowflake. Hell, I paled in comparison to Snowflake. The guy has muscles on muscles. "Are you ok, Bizarro?" Trixie asked from across the hall as she stifled a yawn. "Bizarro am good. Am just needed to get anger out." I told her. "By hittin' yer head against a wall?" The tall pegasus guard asked. I shrugged as I grabbed my bars and looked at him. "We all am have ways of cope." "Geez. Yer denser than lead if that's yer way O' copin'. Though, I guess it could'a been werse, ya could'a balled yer eyes out like one'a these bitches." He said as he pointed to the guards, much to their chagrin. "Oi, don't look at me like that. You all know that we're jus some eye candy for the mares in charge. Not my fault you were all raised ta be so prissy and needy." He told the guards. "Eye candy?" I asked. "Yeah, JaneFillies like you an' me get the job done, while prissy lil' Colty Stallions like them jus stand around an' look pretty. But, unlike them an' you, I'm brain, brawn, badflank, and sexy~." He bragged as he struck a confident pose. This whole situation just felt like it was getting weirder and weirder by the moment. I didn't understand anything this guy said. What the hell is a Jane filly? Is that like a Mary Sue or something? The grey earth pony guard at Trixie's cell scoffed. "Please, Roid Rage. Mares may say they like a Bad Colt, but we all know when it comes time to find a herd or a partner, you're going to be plumb out of luck." "Oi, buck you too Marble Toss. Ya know I ain't inta mares anyway. Nah, I'll settle down with a griffon or somethin'. Over there the lasses have the nicest asses." Roid Rage responded as he cupped his hands as if he were holding something round. "There am griffons?" I asked. I honestly thought there were only ponies and dragons in this weird world of make believe. "Yeah, me pa was a griffon, and a right tough bastard too, not like these lil Colty Stallions. Not a single strong bone in their body. What about you? Raised by dragons or somethin'?" "No, me am raised by smarty stallion. Though, he am not have much time for Bizarro... Me no think he like Bizarro..." I said dejectedly. My dad always put his work before me when I was younger, and I could never live up to his expectations. It didn't help that our moral beliefs were worlds apart. I thought family should come first, and he clearly thought money and work should come first. I guess Bizarro and I have something in common since his dad was a prick too. "Then how'd ya end up so tough? I don't even know a Mare who could carve their face into a wall with their head. Well, cept fer Tough Love, but she's more demon than mare." "Bizarro just am." I responded simply. After a few more minutes of Roid Rage bragging and talking about himself, he and the other new guards left, leaving me and Trixie with the two guards who were still stationed outside our cells. With nothing else better to do except wait and try to make idle chit chat with either the guards or Trixie, I took a nap to rest my mind. It wasn't too hard to pass out like a drunken sailor, apparently hitting my head against a wall for an hour took more out of me than I originally thought. My sleep was peaceful and quiet for the most part. Just like every other night I didn't have a single dream, which was a bit odd for me. I didn't remember my dreams often back home but I knew when I had them or not. And to go for nearly two and a half weeks without dreaming was a bit disconcerting to me. I was eventually roused from my dreamless slumber from something poking my chest. I swatted the thing away with my hand unconsciously as I tried to sleep. "Mommy~. It Saturday, Bizarro am no have school.~" I said in a groggy voice as the persistent poking continued. "Get the buck up bitch!" A new mare yelled at me. Looking up from my bed I saw a grey skinned Mare with a blue mane, two large batwings, and a pair of golden slitted eyes poking me with the back end of a spear like a zoo animal. I noticed she was wearing a purple variant of the armor I saw the Stallions wearing, but hers also looked more heavily armored to protect herself and covered more of her body than the Stallion armor. I thought that she must have been one of the higher ups if she had better armor. "Princess Sunny Disposition just got back and she wants to see you two." The new guard told me. I instantly got up off of the bed at the mention of a princess, I quickly glanced around the room to make sure I had everything, which was pointless because I only had the clothes on my back in my dungeon cell. After that, I followed her out of my cell door. "Am Trick come too?" I asked after I noticed Trixie was still sleeping in her cell. "Another guard will come for her a bit later to inform her about her property. In the meantime, your flank is going to talk to Princess Sunshine. Lucky you." She commented dryly as she led me up the stairs and out of the dungeons. I was somewhat weary about following this guard, mainly because I didn't know who she was taking me to, Twilight never mentioned a Princess Sunny Disposition or Princess Sunshine. I wondered if they could have been Celestia's daughters or something, but I realized that Twilight would have probably mentioned if she had any children. "So, who am Princess Sunny Position and Sunshine?" I asked. "Princess Luna's older sister. We have to serve Luna and her sister.... Unfortunately." She grumbled out. "Wait. Me thought Princess Celestia am Princess Luna's sister." "She is. It's a running joke in the Night Guard to call her Sunny Disposition or Sunshine. We used to call her Molestia for a bit, but a new law was placed so it would be illegal to insult the princesses." She told me. "That... am sound like abuse of power." I replied. She scoffed in response. "Damn Straight! It was all Sunny and Lovey-Dovey's idea. Although, at least this stops the dumbflank stallion Day Guards from calling Princess Luna Nightmare Moon or something stupid like that." I didn't understand how that insult related to Princess Luna, but I decided to nod as if I understood. "True. So at least that am good." "Yeah. Still wouldn't mind punching some of those Solar 'guards' though. I know it's wrong to hit a stallion but when they keep pushing and pushing you just want to punch them right in the face!" She yelled as her grip on her spear tightened. "Sorry, about that. I'm sure you're an alright stallion. It's manly the Solar 'guards'. They don't do anything except-" "Be eye candy?" "EXACTLY! Only a few of them like that Shinning Armor guy are decent at their job. The rest of them are a couple of Brotherlies. I swear, they could all be taken down by one mare armed with nothing more than a butter knife and a kitten." She scoffed. She continued to rant about how much better the Night Guard was because they had more mares working in it. I'll be honest, I learned a lot from her rant, including a few things that should have been pretty obvious to me. Mainly that the gender roles and stereotypes that went along with them on Earth were flipped on Equis. I would have beaten myself up more for not noticing sooner, but because of my "JaneFilly" friends, Big Mac and Snowflake, I thought that gender roles were pretty normal here. Turns out, that couldn't be farther from the truth for ponies. Mares apparently outnumbered stallions about seven to one, leading Mares to take up more serious professions like guards, doctors, nurses, and construction workers, while the stallions, "Stayed in the kitchen." This also explained why everypony in Ponyville doubted that I could beat Rainbow Dash in an arm wrestle. For me to beat a mare like Rainbow Dash would be the equivalent of a child beating a grown adult. It was pretty much a Dystopian Future gender bent 1950's world. At least it wasn't like George Orwell's 1984 or Aldous Huxley's Brave New World. I'll take Gender Bent Dystopian 1950's world over those Dystopian futures any day of the week. It could have been so much worse; this world could have easily been a Gender Bent Handmaid's Tale. Thank god for small miracles. Speaking of miracles... The pony, whom I learned was a thestral named Miracle Star, led me to a giant pair of golden doors that had two stallions, both white earth ponies, stationed outside of it. Next to the large doors were several stained-glass windows depicting artistic representations of either real events or religious stories. The newest stained-glass window showed a group of six colorful silhouettes under a dark figure that was surrounded by a circular rainbow. There were two pegasi, one yellow and the other blue, two unicorns, one purple and the other white, and two earth ponies who were pink and orange respectively. There were several other stained-glass windows that filled the hallway that depicted scenes of two unicorn silhouettes with wings pointing their horns at the sun and the moon, a group of silhouetted Ponies battling a red centaur, and the black silhouette of a unicorn stallion attacking a giant blue colored castle under a large dome. I didn't have much time to interpret the symbolism behind the artwork since the doors began to open slowly, signaling me and Miracle to enter the Throne room. As we entered the Throne room I saw the Equestrian Girls character, Principle Celestia, sitting on a large red velvet and gold throne which sat atop a dias that raised it about five feet off of the ground. The first thing I noticed about this world's Celestia was that she had whiter skin than I did, which was a bit weird because I could have sworn her skin was pink in the cartoon. She was also my height, meaning that like me, she towered over the other ponies, especially with her horn. Her horn was about a foot and a half long and her wings were massive. She was wearing a long flowing white silk dress that had a picture of the sun on the bottom right of her dress, and she wore pair of golden slippers that hugged her feet tightly. Lastly, she was wearing a moderately sized golden tiara with a purple diamond as the centerpiece. Once we were a few yards away from the throne my guard begrudgingly bowed and I quickly followed suit. "I've brought the stallion you asked for, Princess Celestia." "Thank you, my little pony. You may return to your post." Princess Celestia said with a motherly voice. My thestral guard saluted and walked out of the throne room as quickly as she entered. "So, may I ask your name?" Celestia asked. I took that as an invitation to stand up and explain my situation. "Hello, me am Bizarro." I said. "Ah~. So you're this Bizarro character I've heard so much about?" She asked. I raised an eyebrow at her statement. "You am know me?" "Yes. My student, Twilight Sparkle, wrote to me about you when you were ill and asked if I knew anything about a pony being allergic to magic. A few hours later she wrote me another letter explaining that somepony used a spell to make you allergic to it. I'm sorry to hear that such a thing had to happen to a kind soul like you." "Oh... Um, me am thank you Princess." I replied, shuffling nervously in place. I didn't feel too comfortable lying to an actual princess, but at that point I was too deep in the allergy lie to back out. "Bizarro am ok now, but... Bizarro was hoping if you am help?" I asked. "This is about sending you back to your planet, correct?" She asked in return. I looked at her with an expression of shock clearly written on my face after she said that which seemed to slightly amuse Princess Celestia. "My student also informed me of your other worldly origins. I must say that I find it interesting to know you hail from another planet, I had assumed Equis was the only inhabitable planet left in the universe." She explained. I shook myself out of my shock induced stupor as I looked up at her. "Yes, me am alien. Can you help Bizarro?" I asked. before holding my hands together to silently beg her for help. Princess Celestia's smile faltered as she looked down at me with sad eyes. "I'm sorry, but I can't." She said quietly as she looked away from me. I stared at her blankly for a bit, completely taken aback since I wasn't expecting such a blunt response. My arms fell to my sides as I continued staring at her. "... Why not?..." I asked in disbelief. "While I would like to help you in any way, I'm afraid I can't send you home because I don't know how to. The only planet my sister and I have the ability to go to is the moon. And even then, a great amount of magic is needed for that. Even if we knew where your planet was, I'm afraid that the amount of magic needed to send you there may kill you with the allergy spell placed on you. I am truly sorry, my little pony." She finished as she stared down at me with sympathetic eyes. Once again, I couldn't find any words to properly express the amount of... not pain, but something else. Hopelessness? Grief? I just felt... numb. I had bawled my eyes out like a baby when I found out the bear I punched was a baby, but this sadness, no, this hopelessness was something else. My mind tried to work out what was going on, it tried to accept the reality of what I was told, but it couldn't do it. I felt broken inside. "I... Me... I—“ I was cut off from my rambling when I heard Trixie scream far away. "HE DID WHAT?!?!?" I heard Trixie yell, causing me to turn around and look at the doors of the throne room. "Are you alright Bizarro?" Princess Celestia asked. I turned around and locked eyes with her sympathetic gaze as I responded. "... Me... Bizarro... No... No it am not..." TRIXIE POV BUCK PRINCE BLUEBALLS THE BASTARD! "I'm sorry Ma'am, but under the Prince's orders we had no choice." The yellow earth stallion told me. "That was Trixie's property! He had no right to have it destroyed! He thinks it's an eyesore?! Well, the Great and Vengeful Trixie will show him an eyesore after she kicks in his smug face!" I yelled at the stallion. "W-well I understand that Ma'am, b-but at least your clothes and things are ok." "HE DESTROYED ALL OF TRIXIE'S PROPS! Now all she has is her and Bizarro's clothes!" I was about to yell at the stallion more so I could vent out some of my frustration until I heard a teleportation behind me, followed by the sound of Bizarro coughing. "Oh, I'm sorry Bizarro! I teleport so often that I didn't think about your illness." Princess Celestia said to Bizarro as he recollected herself. "P-Princess?!" I stammered as I quickly bowed to her royal highness. Princess Celestia walked towards me with her elegant steps hitting the ground with the elegance of a divine god. "Rise my little pony." Princess Celestia commanded, I followed her order without hesitation. "I'm sorry for the actions of my nephew. If I had any carpenters available, I would commission them to build a new wagon for you, as compensation for my nephew's wrong doings." "Thank you Princess Celestia. That means a lot to Trixie and Biz—“ I stopped talking as I noticed the vacant expression on Bizarro's face as he looked out the window and stared at the clouds in the sky. "Um... If it's not too much to ask, can Trixie ask why Bizarro looks so distraught?" I asked Princess Celestia. Princess Celestia looked uncomfortable with my question as she rubbed her hands nervously. "I'm afraid neither I nor my sister have the ability to send anypony to another planet, especially one we don't know the location of. Even if we could we have no idea if the magic used for the spell would kill Bizarro with his unique condition. I'm afraid we can't help him." Princess Celestia finished as she looked to where Bizarro was standing. "So.... there's really no hope?" I asked. "I'm afraid not. The only creature who might be able to do it would be Discord. But even if he could he most likely wouldn't do it out of the kindness of his heart. And then there is still the problem that the magic needed to perform such a spell could kill Bizarro. It's a miracle he survived the spell here." She said. I took a moment to look back at Bizarro as he continued to stare at the sky. I turned back to Princess Celestia to see her also staring at Bizarro. "Do you think he'll be ok, Princess?" "Unfortunately, I don't know. I can ask my sister to keep an eye on his dreams, I've never had to tell a pony they couldn't go home before... I can only imagine how he feels..." "I understand Princess... I think Bizarro and I should go. Thank you for everything, Princess." I said to her as I bowed in respect to the princess of the sun. "I'm sorry I could not do more. I could have a chariot sent out for you and Bizarro to take you wherever you want." Princess Celestia offered. I nervously averted my gaze from Princess Celestia as I tried to look anywhere but her direction. "Um, I'm sorry princess. It's just... Trixie has a teeny, tiny.... fearofheights." I blurted out. "Ah, I understand. Well, I would offer a train ticket, but because of a Parasprite infestation earlier today, the rail road tracks have been seriously damaged and are out of commission for the time being. I'm afraid that if you want to go somewhere the only way is by walking. I'm truly sorry my little ponies." "Thank you for your generosity and kindness your majesty." I bowed to Princess Celestia once more before going over to Bizarro. We wordlessly collected our remaining belongings, clothes, Bizarro's necklace, and some odd metal cylinder that fell out of one of his pockets. He quickly picked it up and shoved it into the rest of his belongings before he followed me out of the Castle courtyard. “Stupid stallion Prince. Make Trixie’s wagon spare parts... Stupid.” I grumbled under my breath as I recalled the rude "Prince" who sent Bizarro and I to the dungeons. My anger quickly evaporated and turned into worry as I looked over my shoulder and saw Bizarro's face. He looked completely devoid of any positive emotion, his usually happy smile was completely gone, and the life in his eyes had disappeared without a trace. “Bizarro, how… Are you ok?” I asked him. Bizarro slowly nodded as he kept his eyes on the ground. “Bizarro… Bizarro just need time think.” He told me. I nodded as we silently left Canterlot. As we finally left the gates I stopped walking and turned to look at Bizarro.I stopped myself form looking into those sad eyes that just made me want to hug him and tell him everything would be ok. “Trixie is going to head back to Ponyville in hopes of getting a job so she can buy a new wagon. Do… Do you want to come with me?” I inquired. A small smile made its way across Bizarro's face when I looked at him. “Bizarro am... Me am like that. Lead way.” He said, before he gestured for me to take the lead. I nodded firmly and trekked into the forest with Bizarro in tow.