//------------------------------// // Contentious Fourths // Story: A Stupid Answer // by Frazzle2Dazzle //------------------------------// Light shone onto the stage from a big, red, glowing circle as it rose up from the floor on the back wall. “NAAAAAAAAA-Chupenea! Thissooooongissocoooool~!” Pinkie sang as she trotted onto the stage, a wooden stick with two gourds on it in hoof. “IIIIIII’M, NOT SURE OOOON, WHAT THE LYRICS ARE~!” Discord, a stuffed lion toy on his head, sipped some coffee grounds from his ‘Best Princess Discord’ mug and sighed in exasperation. “Pinkie, I know you’re excited about that movie, but the author hasn’t seen the live action version yet, so please don’t spoil the differences.” After a moment a voice drifted down from the rafters. “Was... Was Discord just... Doing something nice for me?” “I want the pleasure of spoiling it to him.” Discord ended. A loud sigh was heard from above. “And thus, all is right with the world... I won’t even bother yelling.” Pinkie gave a reassuring gesture to the rafters from her spot on Discord’s right... Somehow. “There, there, Frazzle, you’ll get to watch it when it’s out on DVD.” Discord could only stare at her in confusion. “I can see in seven different flavors of sound, and I have no idea how you got there.” Shrugging, he turned back to the audience with a cheese grin. “Welcome back to the mostest, wonderest, funniest, unbelievablest, sensationalest, craziest show in Equestria, A Stupid Answer!” As Discord ate his cheese grin, Pinkie continued with, “We’re your hosts, Pinkamena Diane Pie and Draco Iglesia Senor Chinchilla Odyssey Roger Davis, otherwise know as Pinkie Pie and Discord!” “We’re here to answer your questions about life, liberty, puppies, Equis and Equestria!” “And we would like to remind you that, while we are the hosts, we are not the main focus. I mean, all those different parts of Equestria need letter parties, too!” “Besides, your questions are a little too... Personal, sometimes.” Discord added, incidentally eating a cheese sandwich with pink frosting. Pinkie, also coincidentally, blushed a little at seeing that. “*Ahem* Anyway, let’s get on with the show!” “Of course, milady.” Discord said, giving a slight bow. “Without further ado...” “LET’S GIVE A STUPID ANSWER!” Pinkie pulled a very shiny white envelope out of the Mailmare bag and toasted it to Discord. “Catch~!” Was his only warning as the envelope, now extra crispy, landed on his face. Discord gave a small glare at Pinkie. “Just... Why?” “Blame the typo!” Sighing, Discord pulled a green letter out of the envelope. “A letter from a ‘Scoping Landscape.’ Hmm... ‘Dear Pinkie, how old are you? I know Discord is older than the Sisters, no questions there. But Pinkie... I don't know, really.’” Discord frowned. “Didn’t your mom ever tell you not to ask a mare her age?” “What about gender equality?” “Pssh, as if anypony is actually equal when dealing with genders.” Pinkie just gave him a hard stare for a moment before turning back to the audience. “To answer that question, Landscape, I was nineteen years old when the show started, but since we don’t know the actual timeline... You’ll never know...” “And now for the second question. ‘How long is it from Ponyville to Canterlot? Cause when Pinkie was on the train to Canterlot, guarding MMMMM, it's an overnight trip. But most of the time, it's about 2 or 3 hours.’ Ah, I can answer that. You see, the crow travels about five hours from Ponyville to Canterlot, as the train travels. But, when the MMMMM was on board, they were using a slower train to make sure the deserts would remain safe.” Discord pulled some cotton candy from his beard and started munching it. “Personally, I think they should’ve just catapulted everything to Canterlot. Much more efficient.” Pinkie grabbed the letter from his claws and read the rest of it. “And to end the letter, ‘Thanks for the answers. P.S. Careful, there is a knife and a cupcake in the mail.’” Suddenly, a cupcake with a knife in it launched out of the envelope, sailing through the air before splatting on the floor between the two hosts. “....Next question.” Pinkie said, shredding the letter. Pinkie shook the bag for a bit and pulled out a black envelope with what looked like the design of three scratch marks on the front of it. “Well somebody’s emo.” Discord muttered. Tearing it open, Pinkie pulled out the letter. “This is a letter from ‘Slashclaw!’ ‘Dear Discord and Pinkie, I must ask if a pony friend of mine has chaos powers, as he is quite random. Although he is much more cynical than others, I suppose.’” “To answer your question, everypony has chaos powers, it’s just that I have a lot while everyone else has less.” Discord said, now drinking from a mug of LEGO bricks. “Your friend might just have a larger amount. Or you have a smaller amount. Or both.” Pinkie fed the letter to the shredder. “Next!” Just as Discord touched the Mailmare bag, an Easter egg fell on his face, cracking open and letting a letter float gently from inside it to his claws. “...I’m guessing it’s Chaos04-“ “Chaos Tetroxide~!” “-again. *Ahem* Let’s see,” Discord brought the letter to eye height. “Yup, Chaos04. ‘Dear Pinkie and Discord, sorry about not using 'dear' in the last letter, normally I don't write letters. I got a few more questions and not all of them are about you Discord so don't worry. Question one. Discord what are your relations to Twilight, Pinkie, Rainbow Dash, Apple Jack, Rarity and Fluttershy?’ Well, to answer that, in order, Lavender, Unberry, Twilivision, Horse-apples, Entrenched and Rawrsome.” “He’s right, we have Unberries every Thursday at fourteen seventy-three.” “And question two. ‘Who was the strongest villain you ever faced?’ Eh, I’d say Tirek, if only because of his muscles.” “VEEEEERY big muscles. Like, size of your coconut, huge!” “He was as muscular as Iron Will.” “But WAAAAAY more evil!” “And now for question three. ‘Discord I know you are my favourite so sorry if this offends you but why was Twilight so willing to forgive you to trade all of the alicorns magic to save you as well?’” Discord stared blankly for a moment. “...Fate, Dust, and Friendship Trust. That’s my answer and I’m sticking to it.” He promptly folded the letter into a paper airplane and threw it off to stage left. “Next!” Pinkie stuck her hoof into the bag for a few moments before pulling out a... Xylophone? “Ooh~! A Xylophone! Oh, there’s a letter on the back!” Pulling a piece of paper off of it, she slid the Xylophone to Discord(Who started playing Megalovania on it, somehow) and read the letter. “One letter from ‘Vinyl Scratch!’ ‘Dear Pinkie Pie, what’s Celestia’s favorite kind of music?’ Oh, that’s easy, she really likes classical music, with a little techno every now and then.” Another letter shredded later, Pinkie yelled, “Onwards!” Pinkie stuck her mane into the bag for a moment before pulling it back out, a single, silver envelope stuck in it. Discord snatched it out of her hair, opening and reading it. “A letter from ‘Samurai.’ ‘Dear Discord and Pinkie pie, did you two ever tried to time travel to the future?’” Pinkie sighed. “No, sadly. Too many spoilers.” “Can you imagine what would happen if we found out the plot of gen five before it releases? We’d be written out to avoid spoiling stuff!” “And I reeeeaaaally don’t want to not exist.” “Quite right. Now, next part... ‘And Discord, have you ever pulled a great prank on Sunbutt?’” Discord started laughing, so hard his gut flew apart from the rest of his body to hit the floor. “Oh, she doesn’t even know the greatest prank! I wasn’t ever really in the first statue that she thought she made me into, I was living the high-life in New Bork for a thousand years!” Pinkie took the letter from Discord, crumpling it up, and threw it randomly behind her. She decidedly ignored the explosion noise it made. “Next~!” Discord snapped his talons and a green envelope popped into existence in Pinkie’s right hoof. Opening it, she quickly started reading. “This is a letter from ‘Fetch!’ ‘Dear Pinkie, do you prefer your yellow dress or your blue dress?’ Hmm... I’d have to say neither. They’re both really special, so I try to wear each of them as often as I can. And the second part, ‘Dear Disqord, here is finally an easy question for you: Why haven't you let Fluttershy know what it's like to be a tree? (Since you can be anything you want, you must know what it's like to be everything.)’” Discord waved it off with a carefree talon. “What makes you think she doesn’t already know? A lot happens off camera, you know.” Pinkie chowed down on the piece of paper while Discord held up a sign with a single word on it: ‘Next!’ Discord shoved his arm into the bag for a moment or two before pulling out a... Translucent envelope? “Ooh, a hologram!” Pinkie said. Discord shrugged and tapped twice on the envelope, and it immediately unfolded into a white piece of paper. “Let’s see, this is a letter from ‘Hololynx. ‘Dear Discord and Pinkie, why do ponies have doorknobs?’” “An excellent question, Lynx!” “Well, I believe that doorknobs are leftover bits from a Minotaur construction contract phase a few hundred years back, and Ponies liked them so much, they just continued making them on doors.” “Good theory, good theory... But I personally believe that it’s so food can’t escape the house. Have you ever seen bread try and use a doorknob? It’s a very hopeless struggle.” There was more than one awkward stare at Pinkie Pie after that, with Discord lightly coughing and shredding the letter. “Next!” Discord pulled a green and purple envelope out of the bag, and, opening it, was treated to a bout of green dragon fire that coalesced into a scroll. Discord, his face now a charming shade of sunburn, stared at it for a moment. “...Calling this now, it’s Spike.” “Could be a reader who has a dragon themed use- Ah, a dragon themed name.” Discord humphed and unrolled the scroll. “No, it’s Spike.” “Darn! Oh well, what’s he asking?” “‘Dear Discord and Pinkie Pie, who is Rarity’s crush?’” The two stared awkwardly at the scroll before Pinkie wrote ‘RETURN TO SENDER’ on it and Discord belched out some bubbles that surrounded it and carried it off. “Next!” Pinkie snatched an envelope from right at the top of the bag. It was a greyish black, and, glancing down, she noticed it had dyed its shadow silver. “Now this one should be interesting!” She said, opening it. “A letter from ‘Silver Shadows!’ ‘Dear Pink Pony and Discord, if you could only choose one pony as your best friend, Pinkie, who would it be?’” Pinkie stared at it for a moment. “Uhm... Everypony!” “...That’s a technicality and you know it.” “Second half! ‘Discord, are you in love with Fluttershy? (By the way, you should take her out to dinner if you do.)’” Discord spat out a stream of minifigures at that. “Ah, Uh, uhm, ehe, I...” Discord quickly snapped his fingers and the letter shredded itself into dust, eliciting a sneeze from Pinkie. “NextnextnextNEXT.” Discord shoved a foot into the bag, his hands busy filling up his mug with Fortnite Skins, and pulled out a green envelope, which he quickly opened. “Let’s see, another letter from ‘Fetch.’ ‘Dear Pinkie, why do Twilight and Sunset sound so alike when they sing? Why does Rarity sound like Adagio when she sings? And why do you sometimes sound like Silver Spoon when you sing?’” “Oh, simple, it’s your brains tricking you into thinking we sound like each other. No ‘Voice Actors with multiple roles’ thing going on at all.” “I don’t know... It is a bit weird.” “Doesn’t matter, onto the second question!” Pinkie grabbed the letter from the Draconequis. “‘Dear Disqord, now that I got that crazy reaction out of you, let us see if this will cause another: When will you confess to Fluttershy that you love her?’” Discord plucked the letter from Pinkie’s hooves and crumpled it up, somehow turning it into cheese in the process and fed it too the shredder, which burped in satisfaction. “Just... No, Fetch. No.” Pinkie gave a nod of agreement. “Next!” Pinkie fished a red envelope with the image of a green apple on it out of the Mailmare bag, and, unhooking it from the line, she opened it. “Hey, it’s a letter from Big Mac! ‘Dear Pinkie and Discord, could ya please tell me why there’s a statue of Professor Plum on my front lawn?’” Discord gave a nervous grin while Pinkie gulped. “Weeelllll... We MAY have been playing a game of supersized-superfun Clue earlier this week, and we MAY have forgotten to clean up everything.” Pinkie said, sweating a bit. “Uh, besides, it let’s you branch out to other fruits!” Pinkie quickly shoved the letter into the shredder. “Next!” Discord pulled a light purple envelope out of the bag, opening it and starting to read. “A letter from a Pony called ‘Superfun.’ ‘Dear Discord, back during Starlight Glimmer's time travelling shenanigans, what happened to you in all of the timelines we didn't see you in?’” “Oh yeah, we didn’t see much of you during that! What DID happen all those other times?” “Well, I assume that most of the other me’s didn’t have enough chaos to come back fully, due to no Rainboom happening, so they were easily defeated, completely sealed in stone or died of chaos deprivation. I’m guessing the former two more than the latter.” Discord shoved the letter into the shredder, and, before he could yell ‘Next!’... “Wait! We’ve run out of time!” “What? Already?” “Yeah, the author’s been lazy, so he needs this out ASAP!” “Darn. And I wanted to answer Thorax’s question next, too.” “Maybe next time. But until then...” Pinkie turned to the audience, a big grin on her face. “Here’s hoping you all have a wonderful week!” “Please feel free to ask more questions,preferably not about us, so we have more to answer next time!” “Until next time, toodaloo!” And the sun on the back of the stage sunk into the floor, plunging the room into darkness.