“Rockin' the punk look, Rarity!”
“Why, thank you, Mark darling.”
“Kind of daring for you, isn't it?”
“Oh, heavens yes! But one must take risks occasionally when you're in the fashion business.”
“Hmm. I wonder if I can pull off that look with my control over my mane length?”
“Do I hear a request for some punk-themed outfits?” the fashionista asked coyly.
I shrugged. “Gotta go where the muse points you.”
“Indeed! Step into my boutique and we'll experiment a little.”
“Okay. And while we're doing that, you can tell me what brought on this fashion impulse.”
Minutes later, I was rolling on the floor with laughter. “You... you ought to... call it... punk shampoo!” I gasped out between chortles.
Rarity pouted. “Have a care, Mark, or I might determine how efficacious it is upon pegacorns!”
Having to attend to Day Court for only the morning session while Twilight took care of the afternoon enabled me to accomplish some personal tasks. Some were more royal duties, but now and then it was something as ordinary as shopping. To the scandal of the pompous nobles, I never sent out a lackey to buy things for me. Besides not being a stuck-up ass, I actually enjoyed my occasional trips into the Canterlot Market and other stores. Not only did I maintain an approachable face to the Triarchy, I liked to chat with both the storekeepers and the customers. I certainly had more in common with them than the nobility!
And so, with Penny ever shadowing me, I tried to get out at least once a week. Sometimes it was just to have coffee and pastries at Donut Joe’s place. Other times, I was looking for something in particular, frequently a little thoughtful gift for Trixie. Today though, I was wandering through the market and checking out the season’s latest offerings. I was delighted to spot a large crate of mangoes on sale and, because I hadn’t had one in ages, bought a few to eat for dessert that evening. As I turned around after paying for the fruit, I noticed Penumbra staring and actually drooling a little. I waved a hoof in front of her face. She shook her head and her eyes lost their glazed look.
“Something catch your eye, Penny?” I asked.
“My nose, actually.”
I retrieved one of the mangoes from my saddlebag and her eyes immediately riveted on it. I grinned at her reaction. “Like mangoes, do you?”
“Most thestrals do,” she admitted. “Something about their smell attracts us, and these are almost overripe.”
“Must be the fruit bat in you,” I said with a chuckle. “Why don’t you buy a couple while you’re here?”
“You know I don’t shop when I’m on duty,” she replied with a lot less conviction than normal.
“Oh well, you could always come back later.”
Juicy Fruit, the greengrocer, spoke up. “I would not put off buying them too long. These are the first mangoes available this season and they’re very popular. There won’t be more for a while, so when they’re gone, you’ll have to wait a couple of weeks for the next shipment. They can’t be grown locally.”
“I’ll come back as soon as I’m off-duty,” my bodyguard replied, wiping another dribble of drool from her lips.
Thankfully, she failed to see my evil grin. I’d had a wonderful idea. A wonderfully wicked idea. I announced that I was going to put off the rest of my shopping until tomorrow. I’d have to rearrange my schedule a little but it would be worth it to pull off an epic prank on Penny. As soon as we got back to the castle, I headed to my old quarters. I maintained that room to store my alter ego’s dresses and a few other items that Trixie didn’t want in our suite. Steady Flight used it to prepare any special garments I might need for an event besides my standard simple outfits instead of intruding on the privacy of my wife and me. He also packed saddlebags for excursions both regular and unexpected. And finally, he kept a stash of particularly fine liquor there for whenever I felt the need for some stallion talk. I hoped that I would find him there because, otherwise, I would have to send a Guard to track him down. However, I got lucky today.
“You’re back early,” he said as he saw me entering the room.
“Change of plans. First, before I forget, I have some mangoes that I’d like you to take to the kitchen to be prepared for our dessert.” I pulled the fruit out of my saddlebags, noticing Penumbra sniff and then lick her lips. I gave her my best concerned smile. “It seems these are a little distracting, Penny. You’d better wait outside until I’m done with Steady.”
“Probably a good idea,” the bat-pony admitted. She stepped back into the hallway and took up her post as I closed the door behind her.
“I know that shit-eating grin,” Steady said quietly. “You’re scheming something and I’m betting it involves Penumbra.”
“Yep. Got it in one,” I replied, keeping my voice equally low. The rooms were well insulated from noise, but thestrals had excellent hearing and I wasn’t going to screw up my plan by letting her eavesdrop.
“Haven’t you learned your lesson yet? The Archmagus of Pranks always trumps you.”
“Yeah, but this time is going to be different.”
I had my valet’s attention. “How so?”
“You saw how these mangoes affected Penny? Well, this is what I want you to do…”
Cadance arrived that evening for one of her regular visits, bringing along both the foals while Shining stayed in the Crystal Empire to take care of business. Lately, it wasn’t often that both could be absent from their duties at the same time. Sunburst, as usual, accompanied the foals, so Cadance didn’t have to spend every moment watching over them. They all got treated to sweet sticky rice with fresh mango for dessert that night. The way Button squeed in delight at the taste was adorable. Sometimes I had to remind myself that just because changelings subsisted on love, it didn’t mean that they couldn’t enjoy normal food too. I suspected that a hybrid like Shining’s son probably appreciated it even more.
As Cadance intended to spend time with her sister-in-law’s family, I had volunteered to help Sunburst watch the children for the morning. Part of it was as a favor to Twilight, but I also wanted to get a little experience with having foals around. In a few months, I was going to be a father and I knew I desperately needed some first-hoof knowledge of what that would be like. As Sunburst had been there for Flurry Heart from the start, I intended to tap him for hints and suggestions. In return, I kept an eye on the foals while he checked out the Canterlot book stores for rare tomes and magical bric-a-brac for his studies. Naturally, we had to intersperse those shops with visits to toy stores and arcades to amuse the foals, but our destinations frequently had one thing in common.
“Another one!” whimpered Penny.
“What’s wrong?” I asked the bat-pony, keeping an innocent look of concern on my face.
“Everywhere we go, mangoes! The shopkeeper at Edifying Editions had a mango in his lunchbox. There was one in the fruit basket in the window of the café that we stopped at for drinks. The toy store owner had one on the counter. Cunning Collectibles had two! The ice cream parlor had just started making mango sundaes! Treasured Tomes had dust over practically everything except that one fruit next to the cash register! It’s driving me crazy!”
“Didn’t you go buy yourself some after you went off-duty yesterday?” I asked ingenuously.
“They were all sold out!” she practically screeched.
“Ah, that’s a pity. Should’ve bought a couple while we were there.”
“You know I don’t shop while I’m on duty.”
“Who was going to object? I’m your boss, after all.”
The look she gave me said more than words ever could. Time to twist the knife.
“Let’s go to Donut Joe’s place and pick up some snacks for the foals for later. I’m sure Sunburst wouldn’t mind coffee and donuts right about now. I’ll treat you too.”
Sunburst said, “You’re right. I’ve been so preoccupied with my book hunting that I didn’t notice how thirsty I am. A snack wouldn’t be bad either. Besides, I think Flurry and Button could do with a little rest too.”
We soon arrived at the famous donut shop and walked inside to greet its proprietor. Penny gave a strangled moan, her eyes riveted on a very familiar fruit on the counter.
“What’s with the mango, Joe?” I asked. “Not your normal offering, is it?”
“It’s for my lunch,” he replied. “A stallion doesn’t live by pastries alone, y’know?”
I chuckled. “Right. However, we could do with some of those right now. Wouldn’t happen to have a mango-flavored offering, would you?”
“Nope, but that ain’t a half-bad idea. Pity that mangoes are hard to get at the moment. Anyhow, what can I get ya?”
Poor Penny. Even the delicious sugary treat that I got for her was no match for the lure of that mango that so tantalizingly sat mere feet away. The scent must have been driving her… batty!
After that break, we had time for a visit to just one more place on our itinerary – an antiques store which Sunburst wanted to check out. As soon as Penny spotted the old mare at the counter peeling yet another of those alluring fruits, she stiffened and then excused herself to wait outside the door.
“What’s so funny?” Button asked me.
I grinned at him. “A little joke I’ve been playing on Aunt Penny. Don’t tell her that I said that though.” I turned to face the proprietor. “Enjoying your mango, ma’am?”
She smiled. “Very much, Your Highness. Thanks for giving me one. Not sure why you wanted me to wait until you arrived before eating it, however.”
I chuckled. “I’d better not tell you – otherwise you won’t be able to claim innocence when my prank comes to fruition.”
“Ah, I see. I hope it doesn’t backfire on you.”
“Doesn’t matter – I’ve already been getting plenty of chuckles out of it.”
“By the way, I’d watch the foals carefully in here. They break it, you bought it!”
Remembering what had happened to me as a consequence of visiting an antique store once before, I shuddered.
“Thanks for the warning.”
Actually, having to keep an eye on Flurry and Button while Sunburst was preoccupied kept me from being as bored as I normally was in stores like these. I also had to watch the time as we needed to be back for lunch with Cadance and Twilight before my wife and I were to preside over the afternoon session of Day Court. Eventually, I had to drag the stallion away despite his protests.
“Come on, Sunburst. You can spend all day in the stores in Ponyville tomorrow. We have to go now.”
“I know. Ponyville has some of the best antiques in Equestria. Still, I’m ecstatic with the hundred or so vintage books I bought. The shopkeeper just got them in and hadn’t even unpacked them yet from their crates yet! She even threw in a mystery barrel! I’ll go through and catalog them when I get home. It’ll be great!”
I smirked. “Just promise me you won’t use Twilight’s cataloging system.” Spike, Moon Dancer, and Starlight Glimmer were the only ones I knew who fully understood the complexities of the Book Princess’ convoluted organizing method.
He frowned back at me. “Yes, I’m sure it works for her, but it just doesn’t do enough for my needs, I’m afraid. Let me give you the short version of the plusses and minuses of our competing cataloging processes.”
I would have to apologize to Twilight about calling her obsessive about her books, now that I knew at least one pony that was more so. “Maybe another time. We really need to leave now.”
I think Penny was relieved that we were headed back to the castle and away from the ubiquitous mangoes. However, I truly thought she was going to break when she saw a groundskeeper inside the castle wall munching on one of the fruits just as we arrived.
We headed directly for the dining room where we found the princesses already waiting for us. Typically, there was a bowl of various fresh fruit on the table. Today, it held just one kind. When Penny spotted it, she locked up, her mouth slightly agape and drool already starting to overflow.
The foals ran over to their mother and Twilight said, “Hi, Sunburst. Did you have a good shopping trip?”
“It was great! I can’t wait to show you what I’ve found.”
Trixie gave me a smirk. “And how was your morning, Demark Misspells?”
“Quite fruitful, Lulu,” I replied with a grin.
“Trixie fears your bodyguard may explode though.”
“You may be right. Frustration is a terrible thing.”
“And what brought on this attack of frustration?”
“It seems somepony bought all the mangoes in town and distributed them to every place on our itinerary. Penny couldn’t even buy one from anypony because she was on duty and won’t do any shopping—”
“You did WHAT?!” Penny screeched.
I rubbed my poor abused ears. They were going to be ringing for hours, but it was worth it. I’d made her crack! The time and effort that I’d spent arranging everything had paid off handsomely. The death glare she was giving me was delicious, but I didn’t let it linger too long or else I might regret it. I scooped up a mango from the bowl and slung it at the bat-pony. She caught the fruit and sank her fangs into it. Better it than me! In mere seconds, the mango deflated until the fruit was nothing more than a seed loosely covered by the skin. Fortunately, I had another ready to pass on. With a bit of luck, she’d eat the whole bowl and be too torpid to insist on an unscheduled ‘Combat Readiness Exercise’. I’d worry about her revenge another day.
A few weeks later, Trixie and I lounged in the Ponyville spa with some of our friends. As a rule, I stayed in my pegacorn form whenever relaxing there. Rainbow Dash, of course, challenged me to a breath-holding competition. I agreed on the condition that floating off of the bottom of the pool was considered a DQ. That way, we would both have to empty our lungs, evening the odds a bit for me.
It didn’t make a lick of difference.
After I burst to the surface gasping like my life depended on it, Rainbow casually raised her head out of the water and looked around. “Where are Twilight and Fluttershy?”
After I could speak again, I replied, “They’ll be along soon. They just got back from a quest for a cure to swamp fever.”
“Huh? What’s been happening while I’ve been training with the Wonderbolts?”
Rarity spoke up. “Oh, darling, it was terrible! Zecora contracted swamp fever while helping Fluttershy gather crisscross moss. There was no known treatment and Fluttershy felt very guilty and was determined to find a remedy. She and Twilight did some research that took them on a journey to Hayseed Swamp.”
When Rarity didn’t say any more, Dash prompted her. “And…?”
“I don’t know, dear. I only know that much because I saw them leaving in a hurry and I got a hasty explanation from Twilight before they took off. And, as Mark explained, they have only just returned.”
Pinkie piped up, “You should have seen Zecora – she looked so silly with branches growing from her head!” She giggled.
Applejack said, “T’weren’t funny, Pinkie. We could have lost a friend if that there disease had plumb run its course!”
“I know that, but she’s alright, so it’s okay to laugh about it now.”
Rainbow Dash turned to me. “So, what did they do?”
I chuckled. “Patience, Dash. Not even I know all the details. They’ll tell you themselves just as soon as they deal with some matters. Fluttershy had to check on her animals and Twilight had a few urgent matters waiting for her return. Moon Dancer wouldn’t let her go without dealing with the priority items first. While she’s Twilight’s advisor and she is empowered to act on some things, she’s not a princess, y’know?”
Dash frowned and slid deeper into the water, blowing bubbles with her grumbling. Fortunately, she didn’t have to wait too long before our missing friends turned up together.
“Sorry to be late,” Twilight said as she got into the tub. “Some responsibilities just can’t be put off, even if you have a good excuse.”
“And Mister Bear had a bee sting on his nose again,” Fluttershy said as she put down some odd headgear that she was carrying and slid into the water between Applejack and Pinkie Pie. “I keep asking him to leave the hive alone but he has such a sweet tooth. Of course, I also had to put out more seed for the birds. We were gone for a few days, after all.”
“Enough about the birds and the bees – tell us about your adventure!” Rainbow demanded. Then she scowled as we all started laughing. That turned into a blush as she realized what she had just said.
Fluttershy gave Rainbow a small smile. “You heard how Zecora came down with swamp fever?” Dash nodded. “Well, Twilight and I searched her library for a cure but we didn't find one.”
Twilight took up the tale. “Then Fluttershy discovered that a famous healer of the past who was reputed to have cured the fever was none other than Mage Meadowbrook, one of the Pillars of Old Equestria. She lived in Hayseed Swamp before she mysteriously disappeared centuries ago. Fluttershy was most insistent that we go out there immediately to see if we could find any clues to how she managed to cure the disease.”
Fluttershy blushed, obviously embarrassed, but I didn’t push her about it.
In an apparent attempt to gloss over the subject, the butter-yellow pegasus continued. “We found a descendant of Meadowbrook named Cattail who knew the cure for swamp fever. The only problem was that it was flash bee honey and nopony knew how to get it from their hive. Meadowbrook didn’t write down the method that she had used to procure some to treat her mother and all the afflicted villagers.”
Twilight said, “But it was Fluttershy who noticed that the flash bees would land on one of the masks and completely lose their agitation. The disguise apparently had the same markings as the queen bee which allowed Fluttershy to acquire the honey while wearing it.”
“And that’s the mask you brought in with you?” I asked.
Fluttershy nodded. “Cattail said that he felt that the mantle of healer had been passed on to me and that I deserved to keep the mask. I promised to take good care of it, but I just had to show it to all of you.”
“I’ve submitted a paper to the Journal of Equestrian Medicine fully detailing the symptoms and treatment. After it is published, knowing how to cure the disease will become common knowledge!” Twilight added.
“Common knowledge among eggheads, you mean,” Dash said dryly before turning to the yellow pegasus. “Congrats, Fluttershy – that was awesome,” Dash said. “What else has been happening lately?”
“Not much other than the usual. Oh! Daring Do dropped by Twilight’s place. She left advance copies of Daring Do and the Curse of the Pharaoh’s Tomb for me and you. Yours is back at the castle.”
Rainbow started climbing out of the tub. “It is? I’ll go get it!”
Applejack grabbed the blue mare's leg and hauled her back into the tub. “Now is that the way to treat yer friends who you haven’t seen fer a few weeks?” she chided.
“A-heh. Sorry. You know how I am about her books. What’s Daring doing right now? Is she off on another adventure?”
I replied, “She said she was joining a colleague at an archaeological site on a volcanic island reputed to be the home of a mythical hero named Rockhoof.”
Applejack straightened up and stared at me. “Rockhoof of the Mighty Helm? One of the Pillars of Old Equestria?”
“Yeah, I suppose so. They were looking for evidence that the legend was, in fact, a real pony and not just a tall tale. After uncovering the truth about Somnambula, Daring Do got interested in pursuing the other fabled Pillars.”
“Rockhoof’s no dang fable! He’s a hero to us earth ponies!” Applejack exclaimed.
I nodded my understanding. “Oh, and Trixie decided to make Daring’s job a little easier. Thanks in large part to the mass production of the daggerscale portals and the great impression the adventurer made on all of us, my wife issued a decree.”
Trixie smiled down at me from her lounge chair adjacent to the pool. “Indeed! Trixie felt such a great teller of stories, both in person and in print, must be given the assistance of the Crown, however modest that—”
A chorus of yells from the other side of the room interrupted the blue mare. “COWABUNGA!”
Everypony turned to see four shapes hurtle into the pool in front of us. All I managed to do was turn my head to the side so I didn’t get a faceful of water. I noticed Twilight smiling as the splash deflected off her shield, funneling directly at Trixie who got a double-dose of water. Did she do that on purpose?
Nyx’s head broke the surface in the middle of the other three Crusaders. “RETREAT!” she yelled as she spread her wings and forelegs out to touch her friends. With a pop and an inrush of water, they were gone.
After about five seconds of stunned silence, I heard Penumbra say in a completely unconvincing manner, “Wait! … Hey! … Look out!”
I turned to her and scowled. That had the opposite effect than I had intended as her smile just got wider. “I thought my bodyguard was supposed to keep me safe from threats?”
“Exactly!” she beamed.
My wife grumbled and tried to towel off her mane, only to discover the towel had more water on it than her hair. Part of the job of being a good husband is to help your wife recover her composure. As I waved to the attendants to get replacements for the sodden towels, I prompted, “Dear, you were telling us about the Royal Decree?”
Trixie blinked then her smile and royal bearing returned. “Ah, yes! Miss Do has been added to the list of ponies with full access to the daggerscale portal network. She is the first civilian to be so honored.”
I finished the thought. “The portals cut a couple of weeks of the time and loads of expense off of what it would have taken to get herself and the next month’s supplies out to the dig site.”
Applejack said, “Ah guess we won’t be seein’ her fer a while then. Ah hope ya let me know if’n she finds anythin’ to prove Rockhoof was a real pony.”
“You’ll know almost as soon as we do,” I promised.
Rarity said, “Applejack, darling, I was wondering if I could ask a favor of you?”
“That depends on whatcha need done, Ah suppose,” the farm mare replied.
“Well, in my quest to seek out inspiration in new forms, my eyes were drawn to an advertisement for a gardening competition.”
“Ah, and you need a little earth pony help, Ah suppose? Gotta admit though that Ah never woulda imagined you soilin’ yer hooves with that kinda work.”
“Normally, you would be quite right, but this is no ordinary competition. You see, the Mistmane estate was once home to a wondrous collection of flowers and shrubs. Ponies would come hundreds of miles to see the beautiful landscapes. Alas, time has not been kind to the gardens and the caretaker has not been able to cope with their upkeep. In order to help bring them back to their former glory, a challenge was issued to the best designers and landscapers to bring their skills to this national treasure.”
“And what do they gain for their efforts besides Brownie points?” I asked.
Rarity beamed at me. “Only the most sought-after prize in the gardening world – Mistmane’s everlasting flower!”
“What? A dried flower arrangement?”
The alabaster unicorn looked offended. “No, dear. A living flower symbolic of all that is beautiful, and true beauty never dies so neither does this flower. Any gardener worth their seeds would give their right hind leg to possess it.”
Applejack said, “Now, that Ah’d like to see!”
Rarity gave her a pleased smile. “So, you’ll do it?”
“When’s it on?”
“In two weeks.”
Applejack nodded. “Ah’ll be between harvests then, so Ah reckon Ah can make it.”
“Excellent! And Trixie – the event could stand a little promotion in the way of royal patronage. Apparently, the caretaker intends to hire staff to maintain the refurbished gardens after the competition. To afford that, they’ll be charging admission. With the support of the Crown, the publicity would help attract ponies once more.”
Trixie shook her head. “While the Great and Talented Trixie has many skills, a green hoof is not among them. However, your suggestion has merit, and as senior Triarch, I am appointing Princess Mark to be our official representative.”
I blinked. Had I just been volun-told? “I thought we were equals, Lulu?”
She gave me a smug smile. “We are, but some of us are more equal than others.”
I didn’t believe for a moment that she truly thought that way, but my wife likes to mess with me sometimes. Okay, she likes to mess with me a lot. It was just her way of suggesting that I should be the one to go while having a bit of fun at my expense. No matter – I’d give her my comeback later.
“I notice that you wanted me to go in my pegacorn form – any particular reason for that?”
“Trixie knows you like to be a mare on your weekends and she would not wish you to forego the pleasure for the event. Besides, would Trixie be wrong in presuming that your stallion self would not be as interested in gardening as you are now?”
She had a point. While I was always myself, nevertheless, my male and female sides had different emphases on my various interests. As a stallion, I liked gardens a lot but disliked working in them. However, as a mare, I found myself already thinking about the possibilities.
Trixie took my thoughtful silence as assent. “Now that that’s been settled, Trixie will arrange for some funding on Monday.”
“And I’ll spread the word,” Twilight added. “Once it’s known that the Equestrian Crown supports Mistmane’s garden, that should help bring in the tourists to watch the competition.”
“Excuse me, but could I come along too?” Fluttershy asked quietly, almost drowned out by the alicorn’s enthusiasm.
Rarity replied, “You would be very welcome, darling, but why do you want to join the team?”
“A complete garden is more than just flowers and trees. There are butterflies, birds, and other small creatures. The area should balance out flora and fauna. The right animals can protect your garden from destructive pests while bringing it alive.”
“An excellent point, dear,” Rarity conceded. “That makes four of us. It saves me from trying to find another to fill out the team. We also have a nice blend of talents. While I will still be seeking inspiration for a new Spring collection, I must say that we may be in for a chance of winning that prize.”
“Sugarcube, if’n ya put the honest effort into what ya do, anythin’s possible.”
The gardens were in a far more dilapidated condition than I had imagined. Once I learned that only one elderly gray-coated unicorn with a pink mane and tail was all that was left of the family that traditionally cared for the plants, it was understandable. I noticed that her mane and tail moved slightly on their own, an effect I had previously only seen in the mirror… in this Equestria at least. That certainly dispelled any doubts of her ancestry to the legendary mare of old. I hoped that the competition achieved the revitalization that the old mare sought.
With Rarity’s vision, my planning, Fluttershy’s knowledge of interdependent species, and Applejack’s talent for growing things, we attacked our allotted section of the garden with gusto. To my surprise, Rarity was as adept with a pair of pruning shears as with dressmaking scissors. While Applejack naturally took care of the heavy lifting, I was able to contribute unicorn magic also.
The competition was a two-day event, so, when the bell rang at six o’clock to signal the end of work for the day, all the competitors were invited to a pavilion set up in the caretaker’s yard for a feast. Everypony in the twelve competing teams had worked up quite an appetite, so it was fortunate that I had arranged both the food and the catering staff as part of the sponsorship by the Crown. The elderly mare would have probably been completely overwhelmed otherwise.
The second day, we had exactly six hours to complete our work before all competing crews had to put down our tools. While the landscaping teams went to have a well-earned luncheon, the public was allowed to enter to view the results. Each attendee had a ballot card that they filled out with their votes for the best garden design. We also checked out our competitors’ work and we were very impressed. Obviously, only the best landscapers and designers had been allowed into the competition, which is how Rarity had qualified. Of course, we had been able to see some of this being done while we were working on our section, but you couldn’t truly appreciate the results without being up close and immersed within them. After seeing them all, I honestly couldn’t tell who was likely to win. Rarity’s design was a modern take on the old formal style that took advantage of the existing foliage, but there were some radically different arrangements that were equally pleasing to my eye.
When the votes were tallied, I admit to being a little shocked that our team had won. Rarity had spent half the afternoon sketching new designs, working off the nervous energy, but she looked fit to burst with pride when it was announced that we had taken first place. I was glad that the voters had no clue who worked on which section until the results were announced because that assured there would not be any hint of bias in the voting.
When we returned home with our trophy, we agreed that we would share it around, each of us having it for a week before passing it on to the next. As it had been Rarity’s idea to participate, she got to put it on display in her shop first. The rest of us took possession in the order in which we joined the team. I was eager to have my turn because I had something planned.
The everlasting flower was well named. It was a magical object and virtually indestructible, yet still possessing all the vibrant life of a fresh bloom. Naturally, I had to do something silly with it. The first night I had it, Trixie came to bed to find me lying there provocatively with the flower clenched in my teeth.
When she finally stopped giggling, she said, “Trixie wants to find out if you can outlast the flower.”
Obviously, I couldn’t, but I gave it my very best try!
Tuesday morning’s day court was going so well, I started to relax. For a change, there was not a full slate of petitioners and the cases brought to us were being expedited by Starlight and Raven’s thorough prep-work. With only two ponies left on our docket, I shared a happy smile with my wife. Unscheduled time was a luxury that we both cherished, and for both of us to have it together was a rare treat indeed.
When the doors to the throne room crashed open, I couldn’t suppress a groan. Not because of the sight of the visiting Yak prince and his two attendants loudly tromping their way into the room, but because I knew we had jinxed ourselves.
I slipped back into ‘regal triarch’ mode. “Prince Rutherford, what a pleasant surprise! Trixie and I weren’t expecting to see you until this evening. How can we help you?”
The prince finished making tremors that rattled me in my throne when he got to the center of the room. “Yaks demand explanation! Yaks not happy with grave insult to all yaks!”
And then we waited. Eventually, Trixie cleared her throat. “And what insult would that be?”
Prince Rutherford pulled something out from under the blanket on his back. “Yaks want to know what is meaning of THIS?!”
From a distance, the object in question looked like a highly accurate plush doll of the being holding it. “Your stuffed animal likeness?”
“Is it too fat?” asked my wife.
The three yaks laughed. “Oh, no! Fat looks good on yak. Like this.” He turned to face the attendant on his right. “Hey, Bartleby! You look especially skinny for yak today.”
The second yak laughed and said. “What! How dare yak insult yak like that!” They slammed their horns into each other a few times then laughed again freely.
“No!” shouted the yak leader with a stomp of a hoof, silencing his companions. “Yak no take offense at plush poofiness of little yak toy. Material used is not yak fabric, but yak understands ponies don’t have access to yak fabric because talks not finished on countervailing subsidies. Better pony fabric is OK substitute. Yak even like cute smile on yak doll. Reminds yak of little yaks back home. Makes yak homesick.”
All three teared up for a few moments. Trixie and I shared a worried look. Twilight had told us about her earlier dealings with the prince. His cultural norms were often inscrutable and he was painfully easy to take offense. Which translated into ‘just plain nuts’ from the average pony perspective.
“This yak and all yaks take offense at bad portrayal of yaks. When pony make yak doll, yaks treat as yak doll. Needs to be just like real yak doll…” The attendant on his left bumped Prince Rutherford to get his attention then whispered into his ear. “Oh. Yes, with the exception of pony fabric for yak fabric because yaks understanding that way.”
He jumped up and down a few times with a scowl on his face, his companions immediately followed suit. The resulting tremors put a dozen cracks in the stained glass window of the night sky that had the misfortune of being closest to their royal party. When they stopped, my wife triggered the spell that began repairing the damage. I saw pieces of glass floating upwards and cracks shrinking back down to the floor.
“NO!” roared the Prince. “Pony leaders listen to this!” He shook the doll, and a light ringing sound could be heard from the tiny bells in the toy’s ears. “Now listen to yak’s!” Prince Rutherford shook his head and I could hear the much louder ringing of his own bells. “Pony bells are C sharp note! Real yak bells are B flat! Add to this pony doll has blue eyes. Yak’s eyes are greeeeeeeeeen! YAKS DESTROOOOOOOOOOOY!”
He and his attendants spent much longer jumping up and down on the plush toy, grunting and yelling the whole time. To my surprise, the doll stayed in some semblance of its shape, bouncing back into its original form between each stomp. That gave me an idea.
I turned to talk to Starlight but she was no longer by my side. I looked around until I saw she had fallen into one of the waterfall pools that flanked the top of the dais. I waved for her to come closer. She levitated up next to me with worry etched in her face. I had to yell over the sounds the yaks were making and the shattering of glass in the room. There was no point fixing them until the yak-quake was over. “Go get the flower!” I yelled. My advisor nodded and disappeared in a flash of light.
The prince stopped his bouncing and picked up the doll. The fabric was torn off and one ear was gone, but it was still recognizable and still smiling. “Hey!” said the yak attendant on the left. “Pony stitching pretty good! Tougher than yak stitching.”
Prince Rutherford frowned at his companion. “Uhhhh… that because yaks like to crush things! Yak make toys so can be crushed!”
The other yak looked confused for a second until he caught his prince’s head shake towards the throne. “Oh,” he said, backing up a step.
The prince looked up at Trixie and me. “Anyway, yaks take greaaaaat offense at mostly inferior yak toy made by ponies. Yaks mad now. Yak’s take out mad on weak pony castle.”
I heard Starlight teleport back to my side. I gave my warmest smile. “Well, Your Highness, I’m afraid the Crown will have to disappoint you. You see, pony magic is stronger than yak magic.”
The three yaks fell over themselves laughing. They pounded the floor with their hooves as tears leaked out of their eyes. I swear as a race they were bipolar.
Prince Rutherford got his breath back first. “Pony prince is funny! Yaks like pony prince, but not enough to prevent weak pony castle from falling down.”
I sniffed the everlasting flower after taking it from Starlight. I then nodded my head to indicate she float it out to the yak party.
Trixie caught on immediately. “No, Prince Trademark Barbells is correct. Trixie can’t get ourselves to believe that yak magic is stronger. In fact, yak magic is so weak here in Equestria that yaks can’t even crush a flower.”
I winced, anticipating what was coming next. Sure enough, with an impressive flying tackle from all three yaks, the flower was squashed beneath them. For another quarter-hour, the sounds of smashing, stomping, and breaking glass filled the throne room. Eventually, the Prince lifted a hoof to stop his attendants. He held up the flower, looking just as fresh and beautiful as when I first saw it.
“Good workout!” said one of the yaks with a smile.
For his part, the Prince frowned. “This above-average pony flower.” After a few more seconds of contemplation, he dropped it and looked up to the throne. “Fine! Yak honor satisfied. Ponies can keep weak castle. Yaks go try slip-and-slide at amusement park now.”
The three turned around, trotting to the open doors. Just before exiting, Prince Rutherford looked back over his shoulder. “Too bad ponies can’t make everything out of pony flower!” After giving us a wry smile, he and his companions clattered down the hall.
“Trixie wonders what trick you will pull next time we need to calm Prince Rutherford.”
“You and me both, dear.”
The next Saturday saw the return of Ogres and Oubliettes night at Twilight’s castle. While Trixie and Twilight headed out to dinner, Discord, Rainbow Dash, Spike, and I lounged around the Map Room while we waited for Big Mac to arrive. This time, I elected to experience the adventure as a stallion. Penumbra was given the choice of joining the adventure or guarding the hallway. She walked out, saying she didn’t need any more craziness because life with me around was insane enough as it was. Ouch.
That left Rainbow Dash’s wheedling as the main source of entertainment. “Come on!” she whined as she repositioned the knotted blindfold/scarf around her neck. “You have to give us a hint!”
Discord shook his head. “What kind of Dungeon Master would I be if I gave you a clue when your full party wasn’t here?”
The pegasus raised her front hooves over her head. “An awesome one!”
The draconequus folded his arms across his chest. “No, no, and absolutely not. You can’t make me talk. I will not be persuaded no matter what devious ploy you try. You will just have to wait, young lady.”
Rainbow leaned over the table. “Please?”
“Of course! All you had to do was ask.” Discord smiled. “I hope you brought your snorkels!”
“Yes!” The mare pumped her hoof. “Underwater adventure! Just you wait! I’ll be the one wearing a necklace of shark’s teeth by the end!”
I smirked. “Oh, I don’t know. The first beach we come across, you’ll find a nice shady spot under a palm tree and take a nap. After all, aren’t you the Element of Sleeping In?”
Spike covered his eyes with his hands. He knew where this was going. For her part, Rainbow raised an eyebrow. “Better than being the Element of Cross-Dressing.”
I laughed. “Good one! You’ve been taking lessons from Penny, haven’t you, Element of Laziness?”
“Naturally, Element of Lame Jokes.” She started to circle behind me, grinning.
I moved away from the table a bit and turned to keep facing her. “I thought so, Element of Slowness… of Wit.”
“Oh my!” said Discord, pulling binoculars out of thin air, quickly followed by opera glasses, a telescope, and a microscope. A moment later, they were all trained on me.
I glanced back to Rainbow Dash to see her in a crouch, all traces of her happy smile gone. “No pony calls me slow.”
Her wings buzzed at incredible speed and I could only make out a blur coming towards me, doubtless to smash me into or over the table. I was already rolling backwards, moving my forelegs and rear legs as Crimson had taught me through hours of painful sessions. My timing was perfect and I got a quick glimpse at Rainbow’s surprised face as I tossed her above my head. I saw her tumble over the lip of the table, flipped upside down and wings angling to control her trajectory. Then the table erupted with flares of color.
I rolled onto my hooves to see showers of light illuminating the entire room and the root system above us. Directly across from me, Rainbow was on her hooves at the far edge of the table. What was remarkable about the sight was her scarf. It glowed a deep golden color.
“Rainbow! Your… Oof!” The breath left my lungs as the mare tackled me hard. We skidded to a stop against the far wall, my head being used as the brakes. “Ow.”
“And that’s what you get for allowing yourself to get distracted.”
I blinked to see a smiling Penumbra looking down at me. She turned to Rainbow Dash, gave an acknowledging nod, then trotted out of the room.
Rainbow looked down from directly on top of me. “Dang it, Mark. I can’t properly roughhouse with you if you’re going to be such a pushover. And why is your face glowing anyway? I couldn’t have hit you that hard.”
I ground my teeth. “First of all, you’re not my wife, so get off of me.”
“Oh, yeah. Sorry.”
The lithe mare grabbed one of my forelegs and back-winged. As a result, I ended up on all fours again, though a bit wobbly. After getting my balance back, I pointed with my nose, not trusting to use a hoof. “Second, it’s your scarf that’s glowing.”
“And the map!” yelled Spike. “And your blindfold is on it, too!”
Big Mac trotted through the doors and came to a stop at the table, looking at the light show and then around to the rest of us. “What did I miss?”
“Absolutely nothing that can’t wait for later,” said Discord, raising his clawed hand. “And off we go!”
After he snapped his fingers, the four of us were on a desolate beach, the sun directly overhead. However, the map table was still with us, glowing cheerfully. Discord frowned and snapped again, this time we were all underwater with huge indistinct shapes swimming around us. All I could make out were large eyes reflecting the light of the table back at us. With another snap, we were in a forest, then in outer space (fortunately with spacesuits on), then we were all clinging precariously to a path about a hoof and a half wide three-quarters of the way up a wind-swept cliff side. Every time, the map table came with us.
Spike lost his grip and started to plummet. “DISSssscooorrrr…”
I spread my wings and took a strong beat downwards to catch the drake, only to smack my nose on a crystal floor. “Ow.”
“You say that a lot,” said Rainbow Dash. Looking up, I saw we were in the map room again. I lurched to my feet… again.
Discord said, “Fine! Duty calls and at least two of you can’t put it off, it seems. Maybe next weekend. Maybe.”
The draconequus positively drooped. His hanging ears and antlers accentuated by scales falling off of his body.
Spike got down from his crystal throne. “Looks like it’s mission time again. I’ll go make snacks. Big Mac, want to help me make Mark’s ‘Buffalo Dip’? He says it’s missing one ingredient but I think it’s great as is.”
Big Mac nodded as he ambled next to the little dragon. “Eeeyup!” If I needed any more confirmation that O&O night was over, that was it.
Rainbow Dash said, “Huh. No helping it now. I’ll go get the girls.” With a whoosh, she was gone.
Looking back to Discord, seeing him so sad reminded me of something. I came up beside him, still rubbing my sore nose. “Say, Discord. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”
He used his paw to lift an eyebrow, staring down at me skeptically.
“I noticed that you were crying at Twilight’s wedding, but not at mine. Would you be willing to tell me why?”
If anything, he looked even sadder. After a full minute, he sighed. “Oh, alright. Fluttershy tells me I should share the good and the bad with my friends, though she had the tact not to ask me directly about it.” He glared at me, but I was ready for the near-omnipotent demi-god’s displeasure.
“You don’t have to tell me. Just let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”
He stared at the floor. “No. Not in this case.” With a snap of his fingers, we were sitting in two lounge chairs at the beach we had first travelled to a few minutes earlier. Since he chose to ignore the ever-present map table, I did the same.
He took off his sunglasses and held them in his paw, looking more thoughtful than I had ever seen him before. “As you know, I’ve been visiting neighboring universes, looking for clues to the Sister’s disappearance. During that time, I’ve run into more copies and variations of myself and my friends than even you and Twilight did. Out of all of these, there was only one dimension that left a lasting impression.”
The sunglasses morphed into a small statue of a creature that was a draconequus, but with an overall lavender color scheme and obviously female. Discord said, “Screwball was the child of that realm’s Discord and Twilight Sparkle. Loyal. Smart. Bold. Willing to do anything for her friends regardless of the personal cost. The absolute best of both of us.”
The statue faded away slowly until nothing was left above his paw but air. “Mark – understand that a being of chaos doesn’t experience reality the same way mortals do. Probabilities feel real. With effort, I can steer towards or away from them. Sometimes I get glimpses of lifetimes down one path or another. That was definitely the case with Screwball.”
His paw dropped to his side and his head lowered further. “When Twilight said her vows to Thorax, the thread of probability that connected me to the child we had together went to zero.” He paused. “It was like losing the daughter I never had.”
I didn’t know what to say, but I had to do something. I stood up from the lounge chair and walked up next to him, placing a hoof on his shoulder. Finally, words came. “I’m sorry, Discord.”
We stayed that way for a few minutes. Then his ears perked up and he smiled. “Thanks.” He looked back behind himself where I could see nothing but an endless stretch of sand on the coastline. “And I think that’s my cue.” With a flash of light, he was gone and I was standing in the map room again next to the returned table. I was just in time to watch Rainbow Dash fly back into the room.
She landed on her crystal throne and beamed up at me. “All done! They’ll be here soon. Pretty easy to convince them thanks to my own personal overpowered magic item!” She waved a hoof unnecessarily at her scarf which had not stopped glowing. “I’d challenge you to another fall… by you… but I think you’ve absorbed enough punishment for one day.”
I grinned back at her. “Thanks for that, Element of Consideration.”
“You bet!” She turned to look at the door. “Where’s Spike with the goodies? Can’t he just breathe flame on them or something to get it done quicker?”
With nothing else to do, I decided to get a head start on studying what the table was showing to us. The standard translucent blue and purple map of Equestria was displayed, along with six golden icons glowing above the table. Two hovered over Canterlot and three over Ponyville. The last appeared to be a worn book that floated over the Crystal Kingdom. Sighing, I settled down to wait.
Once all of the Element Bearers and Trixie arrived, everyone took their seat with the exception of Trixie and myself who stood next to Twilight’s throne. Oh, and Big Mac came in with Spike, carrying the king-sized (or should that be triarch-sized?) dip bowl on his back. He seemed more interested in the pita chips and spicy dip if his grin and swishing tail were to be believed. He happily dug in, ignoring the ghostly image of Fillydelphia that emerged from the jumbo-sized dip bowl.
Twilight called the meeting to order. “Isn’t this exciting! The map table is calling on us to retrieve these powerful magic items. They must be the next step in restoring Harmony to Equestria!”
Rainbow Dash yawned. “Speak for yourself. I think your glowy furniture just wants to congratulate me on doing such an awesome job!” She spun the scarf around her neck to emphasize the point.
Applejack rolled her eyes. “Ya ever hear a sumthin’ called ‘subtlely’, Dash? You should try it, sometime.”
“Nope. Never found use for it.”
“I agree with Dashie!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie.
With no apparent effort, Twilight expanded the image of Ponyville on the table. “I believe these items to be the tokens of the six Pillars of Old Equestria. They all disappeared without a trace over thirteen centuries ago. In town, we have Meadowbrook’s mask…” Everypony looked at Fluttershy who cowered a bit under the attention but still managed a smile. “… Mistmane’s everlasting flower…” I nodded. Alongside the mask’s symbol, the flower’s icon hovered above a familiar cottage outside of town where I had earlier dropped it off because it was Fluttershy’s turn to have it for a week. “… and Somnambula’s blindfold.”
“It’s a scarf!” protested the prismatic mare.
Twilight continued without pause, causing the map to swiftly traverse the countryside until it centered on a view of Canterlot that covered the entire table. I blinked. “Twilight, why is that image of a shovel moving?”
As we all watched, the glowing icon exited the castle grounds and moved over the city.
Pinkie snorted. “Well, obviously, it heard there was a reunion party in Ponyville and didn’t want to be left out.” As much as my rational brain wanted to disbelieve the mare, I couldn’t think of anything more reasonable. It did seem to be heading in the right direction.
Rainbow Dash had been studying the shape with her eyes narrowed. She pointed with a hoof. “Nah. A pegasus is carrying that thing. She’ll get here in an hour and a half, tops.”
“Not a carriage?” I asked.
“Nope.”
“And a mare, not a stallion?”
She gave me that insufferable grin. “Trust me. I betcha one bit to your ten that she’s coming here. We’ll all be seeing that whatever-it-is soon enough.”
Twilight clapped her front hooves. “Based on the evidence so far, that has to be Rockhoof’s shovel.”
Big Mac said, “Rockhoof?” Everyone looked up to him, surprised at his uncharacteristic outburst. They hadn’t heard anything yet. “Don’t believe what others will tell you about him being a myth. He was as real as any of us here. He and his friends travelled Old Equestria, helping ponies wherever they went. His bravery and compassion made him the paragon of what all earth pony stallions yearn to be.”
All the mares continued to stare. Eventually, Rarity said, “Spikey Wikey, darling. You positively must give me that recipe. It turns Big Mac into a brand new pony.”
The earth pony stallion gaped and turned a slightly brighter shade of red. He dropped his head and his tail was tucked between his legs as he started towards the door… only to turn around and return to the table. He dug out a large scoop of the dip and placed it on a big, round pita bread. So encumbered, he swiftly trotted out of the room, now with his tail moving in a slight but happy wave.
I narrowed my eyes at the map table. “Twilight, I think that’s a shield floating over Canterlot.”
The purple mare nodded. “Yes. That’s Flash Magnus’ token. He used it to protect himself while distracting a group of dragons so his fellow soldiers could rescue some ponies who had been captured. According to legend, it’s fireproof.”
I nodded. “Could you zoom in?”
When she did so, Rarity said, “Isn’t that the First Lipizzan Bank?”
I looked up. “It’s called the First Draconian Bank now. You can also see the construction going on. They bought out the entire city block and have razed or repurposed all of the other buildings to suit their needs. Many of those needs relate to accommodating the size of their new owners.”
Trixie said, “Doubtless, this priceless and powerful artifact of Equestria’s past is being kept in one of the safety deposit boxes managed by the bank. You simply need to visit the bank and order they all be opened for your inspection.”
Twilight gaped. “You can’t do that! I mean we can’t do that! Even the triarchs have no legal way to compel the bank to do so.”
My wife raised an eyebrow. “Do you know for certain whether Spell Nexus was one of the bank’s customers?”
I said, “Trixie makes a good point. We probably know less than half of the aliases he used, and no pony on his staff has cooperated with the authorities. Can we do a security and safety inspection?”
“I…” Twilight blinked a couple of times. “Well, yes. Only bank employees are allowed to touch the contents unless a clear threat is found. And the entire process is thoroughly documented and witnessed.”
I smiled. “Then I know what the two of us will be doing on Monday afternoon while my lovely wife sits on the throne at Day Court.”
Trixie bumped me in the side with a hoof. “Trixie knows you are just flattering me, but Trixie will graciously accept your praise. Dealing with fawning sycophants and duplicitous nobles sounds much more fun than hours spent rummaging around boxes of letters from previous lovers.”
I chuckled. There was no way every safety deposit box would contain mundane and perhaps crude items. Worst case, I’d find out that the average pony was a bit boring and lacked imagination.
Without warning, the map shifted at blinding speed, mountains, valleys and villages whizzing past in the blink of an eye. I felt disoriented and had to look away, meeting Applejack’s gaze who looked just as queasy.
A few seconds later, the map stopped on the Crystal Empire, though with a pulled-back view. “Sorry, everypony,” said Twilight. “I can’t seem to zoom in. I’m guessing because of the magical interference caused by the Crystal Heart.”
The map table projected a golden book high above what looked to be near the center of the city. The purple mare continued. “And lastly, but certainly not leastly…” she giggled at her own joke. She was alone in this. “… is Star Swirl’s Journal.”
Rarity asked. “Do you mean spellbook, darling?”
“No. He kept a series of personal journals of his adventures. Each is a powerful magic item in its own right. Only a few survive to this day, but it’s known that the last one was lost. Reading it could solve the mystery of what happened to the greatest unicorn magician who ever lived!” She had gone back to clapping her hooves, and if her smile was any indication, she would not be stopping any time soon.
A thought occurred to me. “Twilight – if Star Swirl disappeared centuries ago, how did his journal turn up in the Crystal Empire?”
The alicorn considered the question. “I suppose it depends on whether he disappeared before or after Luna and Celestia fought Sombra and the city was banished. History is a little unclear on the order of events a millennium ago, and neither of the princesses is here to clarify.”
The map expanded out until it covered the entirety of Equestria again. All of us stared at the golden image of a shovel moving at almost imperceptible speed toward Ponyville.
Applejack sighed. “Well, it looks like we’re gonna have some company. Ah’ll fetch us all some cider.”
I heard Pinkie say, “All you had to say was ‘party,’ silly!” I looked up to find dozens of paper lanterns hanging from the root system overhead, every color of balloon, three levels of garlands along the walls, and even a balloon arch over the entrance. When did this happen? No, don’t think about it. The only way to stay safe was to stay sane. Or at least try to stay sane.
Applejack walked to the door, only to jump back in surprise as her brother came in, a wooden barrel on his back. The farm mare said, “Big Mac, what’s all this?”
“Triple X Cider. Special order,” he replied, unfolding a flimsy-looking stand, then gently placing the barrel on it. Considering the barrel was doubtless full and about the size of the stallion, I was surprised the frame didn’t so much as creak. He jogged over to Pinkie and held out a clipboard. “Sign here, please.” The party mare quickly put on some lipstick and kissed the paper. Big Mac looked at the returned clipboard for a moment, shrugged, and trotted back towards the door… after a quick detour to the dip bowl.
All of us were soon very relaxed and… happy. This may have been partly due to the drinking games that Pinkie insisted everypony play. Spike stuck to hot chocolate, though with whipped cream and diamond dust, which was a double luxury for him.
I had stopped my wife before her first drink, concerned about the harmful effects of alcohol on our developing foal. She informed me that every pregnant mare is treated monthly with a warding spell that protects the developing fetus from not just alcohol but also many poisons and countless diseases. A magical inoculation, I suppose you would call it. When Twilight asked if pregnant mares in my world were known to drink, I sadly had to answer that this was sometimes the case. The shocked and sad mood didn’t last, however, as Pinkie pulled all three of us into a playing card drinking game called “Pony Race” where you bet on the aces with your drinks.
Let’s just say Twilight’s rotten luck at poker extended to other games of chance. So much so that she was soon sound asleep on the map table, complete with a cone on her head. Rainbow had scrawled “drinking dunce” on the headgear before taking a few photos.
The doors burst open and a proudly smiling Daring Do marched in. “Aha! You’re all here! You’ll never guess in a thousand years… no, over a thousand years what I brought with me.” I saw a bulky object on her back wrapped in wide strips of cloth.
Rainbow called out, “You mean besides Rockhoof’s Shovel?”
The tan pegasus’ smile fell. She jogged up to the map table. After studying it for a few seconds, she scanned the room, her eyes settling on the cards in front of Pinkie. I noticed that the pink mare now wore a green translucent visor and a snazzy gold vest. I could have sworn she didn’t have those on just a minute ago.
Daring Do took off her pith helmet and tossed it to the center of the map table. “’Pony race’, huh? Deal me in. And double the size of my shots. I have some catching up to do!”
The bank’s new president was a very shrewd young dragon, barely out of his teens. Xyrdur had just finished his apprenticeship under the old president who was now fully retired. Torch had selected the drake because his temperament did not let him fit in well in the Dragon Lands, but his intelligence and focus were well suited to running the dragons’ first venture into high finance in the city. Ponies had at first been a little concerned about having a dragon in charge of a bank, but he had quickly proved his mettle. The fact that dragons were reputed to be fanatical about protecting their hordes – and by extension, their customers’ – the First Draconian Bank had soon become the institution of choice for ponies to store their valuables. Therefore, it was no great surprise that Xyrdur had been very unhappy at being required to open the safety deposit boxes for the sake of state security. However, the inspection was perfectly legal. After we were sworn to keep customer identities in the strictest confidentiality, the dragon, Twilight, and I were in the designated vault.
Even though I hadn’t said anything aloud, I owed my wife an apology. I had scoffed at the suggestion that I’d find scandalous items in the safety deposit boxes, but the truth was even weirder. As it turned out, it was more than jeweled heirlooms that the bank had been protecting, which I should have anticipated in this land where gold and gems were so plentiful. Not a few reputations would be tainted if knowledge of what we found got out. I wasn’t talking about illegal stuff, although there were a couple of suspicious items. No – it was such things as the diamond dog porn found in the box of a famous unicorn who preached about racial purity, or the lingerie collection obviously sized to fit its portly stallion owner that would have raised a few eyebrows. I saw evidence that one stallion was running a herd to which I turned a blind eye. It worked in alternate worlds and I didn’t think it was any of my business as long as it wasn’t formally put to me in my position as Prince of the Realm. Twilight blushed mightily at the contents of another box which she hastily told Xyrdur to close again before I saw what was inside. Too late! I was impressed by the collection of Playmare magazines, even if sexily posing stallions weren’t my thing. The stash that made me smile the widest were pristinely bagged and boarded comics – the one on top an advance proof copy of Power Ponies #1 signed by the artist. I’m sure Spike would have given half his hoard for it!
Then there was the truly unusual. Twilight levitated a small wooden case out of the current deposit box. At least four colors of magic fields surrounded it. She murmured, “The current version of Hilldale’s Cryptic Lock spell, a scanning phase disruption charm, Balderdash’s Impossible Puzzle Field, and Final Problem’s Calculation Padlock. Disappointing.” She smiled back at me. “Good thing I’ve been doing those thirteenth roots for fun!” A few seconds later the case was free of any magical glow but Twilight’s. Xyrdur stared at my friend for a moment, swallowed, then went back to taking notes on his clipboard.
The lid slowly opened, revealing a squat crystal vial with a dropper. The container was about three-quarters full of a red liquid. Twilight frowned. “My scans can’t penetrate the crystal. The color and viscosity look consistent with blood.” She began to unscrew the top.
“If I may, Princess,” interrupted Xyrdur. Twilight paused and floated the bottle over to his outstretched palm. The dragon put down his clipboard and used that hand to grip the lid with two claws. Carefully, he unscrewed the top and lifted the dropper in front of his nose. He took a tiny sniff and blinked furiously.
Hastily, he returned the lid and screwed it tight again, but not before I got a whiff of what was inside and my eyes began to water. “That’s what I thought. Death blossom extract. This sample is especially pure. The spiciest substance on Equus.”
Xyrdur picked up his clipboard as Twilight floated the vial back to its container. A few seconds later, the multi-colored glow of the protective spells had been restored and she returned it to the safe deposit box.
I asked, “So I take it this box belongs to a dragon?”
“No. A unicorn mare actually. The extract is a very… acquired taste even among dragons.”
I smiled. “You don’t like it, do you?”
The dragon hesitated. “Can’t stand it. I was forced to try it once and couldn’t taste anything for a month.” He scratched something onto his clipboard. “That much of the extract almost qualifies as a biological hazard. Despite my personal preferences, bank regulations allow it to stay… though that may change at the next board meeting.”
In the meantime, Twilight had returned the previous safety deposit box and levitated the next one, this one the size of a loaf of bread. Although the shield we sought couldn’t possibly fit in it, we had to check all the boxes due to the statutory loophole we had used for this search. When she got the nod from Xyrdur that he was ready to continue, she opened the lid a crack and both Twilight and I recoiled. The stench was overpowering. Like all the nightmares of Tartarus had been rolled into one and then left out in the sun to spoil for a month… maybe two. Fortunately, Xyrdur took charge. He jumped forward and grabbed the box with one clawed hand and slammed the lid shut with the other. He shoved the box into his mouth and pulled back his lips. Pointing his head at the ceiling high overhead, he shot gout after gout of flame between his teeth for a full minute. When he stopped, the ceiling water-cooling spell turned off, sensing no more flames present.
A very sodden Twilight got to her hooves. “What… what was…”
After swallowing, the bank manager scowled. “Durian. Extremely overripe durian fruit. Every civilized nation bans their use in times of war. I believe I will have a little talk with the owner of that box about using my bank to hide his banned produce. Plus charge him for the cost of getting the stench out of this room.”
I recalled something from Twilight’s two-hour lecture on fiscal laws and regulations I had to endure before I was allowed to set foot in the bank. It would have been less than an hour if I had passed her pop quizzes, but she didn’t let up until the information was properly drilled into my brain. “Excuse me, Xyrdur, but isn’t it true that only the Crown’s Inspector is allowed to dispose of a bank customer’s property?”
The young dragon’s eyes became very wide and unfocused. Twilight said, “And that’s what happened. Teleported straight into the sun.”
The bank president gave us a pleased smile and a nod. So he could feel that emotion. He picked up his clipboard and his quill scratched on it for a few seconds. “So noted. Shall we continue?”
I frowned. “Not until the stench is gone. Twilight, can you do something about that?”
Recycling the air a dozen times and Twilight casting a cleaning spell on each of us four times did not do enough to clear the stink. Ultimately, my shirt was lost to the cause as were the original copies of Xyrdur’s notes. Only then did the inspection continue.
To our disappointment, the last box was opened without finding the shield. After securing the safety deposit vault once more, we followed Xyrdur back to his office.
“Thank you, once again, for your cooperation in this matter, sir,” I said as we settled down into chairs.
Xyrdur nodded curtly. “While I am happy to be able to confirm that the First Draconian Bank harbors no contraband or threats to this institution or Equestria, I trust that this will be the last time that this exercise will be done?”
Twilight replied, “The Crown certainly hopes so. We will compensate you for your valuable time, of course.”
The drake smiled toothily, always happy at the thought of getting more money. “Shall we conclude with a drink? I have a particularly fine wine distilled from lava berries from the Dragon Lands.” He pulled a bottle containing a red liquid from one of the drawers in his desk.
As it would have gravely insulted the dragon to refuse, we both accepted with caution. Lava berry wine was reputed to be able to blow the head off dragons, let alone ponies. “Just a small one, please,” I said.
The glasses that Xyrdur supplied were small enough, but even a sip of the potent brew started both of us sweating.
Time to make some small talk. “So I understand you have completed the transition period and Fiduciary Trustee has now retired?”
The young dragon took a long drink from his wine glass before leaning back in his chair. “Yes. The cranky perfectionist had me learn by preparing for both sides of a different business deal every week: Venture capital, re-amortization, currency exchange, business loans, guarantee of credit, corporate purchases. I would study my tail off and then fight for every possible bit on Saturday, matching wits with the old stallion. I had my mistakes deducted from my salary, which was very good for my motivation and learning process. Each Monday, I would go over the fine points of what I did right and wrong with the bank employees who were experts in that area.”
He finished off his wine and set the glass on his desk. “Then came the topic of real estate purchases. The applicable case law, regulations, and breadth of different classifications of land was far more than I could adequately prepare for. Not to mention the variances of these across cities, counties, and kingdoms. Late in the afternoon on Friday, I had an epiphany, doubtless because being around all you ponies was rubbing off on me.”
He looked us in the eyes. “I had gone in with the assumption that the testing was for me alone. I showed up on Saturday with ten experts in tow, only half of them bank employees. The old stallion smiled and told me he could finally retire, knowing the bank was in good claws.”
Despite having sweat trail down her back, Twilight smiled. “I’m glad you learned about teamwork. I’m sure that was a novel lesson for you after your experiences growing up in the Dragon Lands. I recommend you next learn the power of friendship. Please let me know if I can help you in any way.”
Xyrdur smiled for the third time that day, which I believe classified him as borderline-psychotic for a banker. “Thank you, Princess. I’ll take that into consideration.”
I said, “So where did Fiduciary Trustee end up?”
The dragon waved a clawed hand. “Oh, that was my ‘final exam.’ I negotiated the purchase of the Villa Jodhpurs Resort in the Hebridal Archipelago. He was so pleased with the resulting price that he decided to invest the savings into expansion. The Trixie Wing will be open for guests in little over a year.”
Twilight’s body shook for a moment. “The… the Trixie Wing?”
“Yes. She is the senior triarch, after all. I understand she has committed to be at the ribbon-cutting, regardless of schedule changes.”
The mare's wings shivered. I stifled a laugh but may have smiled a bit. Twilight might be the senior and most powerful alicorn of the rulers of Equestria— by benefit of being the only real alicorn in the triarchy – but that didn’t carry over to the public’s eye. “Would you care for another shot of wine, Twilight?”
She blinked. “Yes, I think I could use that right now.”
I gamely joined her in downing another dose of the powerful beverage. Twilight didn’t fare as well the second time around, leading to her having a coughing fit.
“Are you well, Princess Twilight?” Xyrdur asked.
My friend cleared her throat twice. “It seems… to be a bit warm in here,” she replied.
“Ah, yes. My apologies. I tend to keep my office warmer than the rest of the bank. Gives it a homey feel. Let me cool it down a little for you.”
He went to the window and raised the sash, letting in a pleasant cool breeze. Reaching behind the curtain, he pulled out a large object which he used to prop open the window. “I need to get the renovators back to fix that sometime. I can’t get it to stay open without something to hold it up.”
I stared at said prop. It was the shield that we had been searching for. It was horribly dented and blackened, but the shape was unmistakable. All this time, it had been in the bank president’s office even as we had been negotiating with him to allow us to examine the safety deposit boxes. I gave Twilight a nudge, my eyes glancing toward the shield. Hers widened in recognition.
Twilight said, “Thank you for the fresh air. That’s a particularly interesting shield you have there. It seems a bit strange to use it just as a window prop.”
Xyrdur replied, “That old thing? I suppose that it is. I gathered up what few Equestrian items I could find in the Dragon Lands before setting out. I haven’t found a place suitable to display it, so I felt I could put it to good use in the meantime.”
“Would you consider selling it?”
The dragon’s eyes narrowed and he looked at Twilight keenly. His genial smile suddenly turned more shark-like. “My dear Princess, even window props are of great value to the First Draconian Bank. How much are you offering?”
That overgrown lizard screwed us for every bit we had brought with us but, eventually, we walked away with our prize. We now had five of the six tokens of the Pillars of Old Equestria. Guessing that we would find Star Swirl’s journal in the Crystal City’s library, we figured that we’d have all of them soon. It remained to be seen what Twilight could make of them once they were together again. I just hoped that the alicorn wouldn’t get too carried away with her research. Then I mentally kicked myself. Of course, she would get carried away. What I should be wondering was how to contain it! But that was a problem for later. Right now, it was time to get back to our royal duties. The map table’s riddle could wait another day to solve.
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