When Shining Armor came to, everything was still black.
What the… Why can’t I see? he thought to himself. He turned his head, but still, his eyes were met with a void of nothingness. What is going on?
Thinking something was wrong with his sight, the prince tried rubbing his eyes. However, when he tried to move his hooves, he could barely reach his face. From his sitting position, he tried moving his legs apart, but couldn’t. Hoof cuffs?! His heart was racing. Confused and afraid, Shining went to stand up, but instead found a rope around his torso, preventing him from moving very far. Eventually, it hit him.
Great. Just great. I’ve been kidnapped.
Sighing, the prince tried levitating whatever was on his head, blocking his vision, but found his magic wasn’t working. Work, horn! This is the WORST possible time for you to malfunction! He strained himself, trying to ignite even a spark of magic, but to no avail. Groaning, he leaned backwards in anguish, only to feel with the tickle of feathers.
“Hello?!” Shining asked, rocking whatever was attached to him back and forth. “Is somepony there?”
“Shining Armor? Is that you?” It was Boomer. “I can’t see anything!”
“Neither can I,” the unicorn replied, trying to wiggle out of the ropes. “I think there’s bags over our heads, and we seem to be tied together.”
A gasp. “Oh, no. I thought you learned your lesson about kidnapping, man! Why’d you gotta do this to me?!”
Shining rolled his eyes. “Why would I kidnap myself?!” he shouted. “We’re in the same situation here, Boomer! I can’t move! I’m literally in hoof cuffs!”
“Wait, are they like the pink, fluffy ones?”
“Does it matter?!”
“Hey, I just want to know what we’re in for.”
Shining tried to facehoof, but again, his hooves couldn’t reach his face and he almost lost his balance. “Okay, Boomer, we both went through the Royal Guard boot camp, and they taught exactly how to get out of situations like this one.”
“They did?” the pegasus asked. “Huh. Must’ve slept through that part.”
“How in Celestia’s name did you become a royal guard?”
“Believe me, I’m just as surprised as you.”
Shining Armor groaned. “Look, we need to make a shim out of a mane barrette. Do you happen to have one on you?” Boomer shook his head, which Shining Armor couldn’t see, so he took the silence as a no. “Crud. If only Cadance were here…”
Boomer gasped. “Maybe she is!”
“I can’t see, but if she’s here, I’m going to be very, very upset.”
“No! I mean, we’re still wearing your suits. If you’ve gone to events with Cadance wearing these, maybe there’s a chance one of hers is in the pockets!”
Shining Armor quickly began patting himself down. While he may not have been able to reach his face, his pockets were at just the perfect height for his cuffed hooves to reach. He searched inside, and sure enough, there was something that felt like a barrette.
“Okay, now I see why you’re a Royal Guard,” the unicorn chuckled, fidgeting around with the accessory. He inserted it where the hoof cuffs locked, and sure enough, he was able to open it up and break free. “Haha! It works! Now, Boomer, extend your wings as hard as you can, Maybe we can loosen the knot on this rope.”
“You got it, Mr. Bossman!” The pegasus spread out his feathery appendages, and, sure enough, with enough force, the rope snapped.
Shining Armor squealed in excitement.
“Yes, yes, yes!” he cheered, leaping into the air. He ripped the bag off his head and twirled. “Haha! We did that! Hoof-bump!”
Bommer tilted his head. “Um, I still can’t see where your hoof is.”
“Oh, right.”
Shining Armor used his teeth to rip off the guard’s bag, then made quick work of his hoof cuffs. The pegasus stood up and hugged the unicorn. “Teamwork at its finest.”
Now that they had both been freed, the two took a moment to observe their surroundings. The area was dark, but there was natural light seeping in through the cracks in the seemingly cloth walls and ceiling. The floor beneath them was wooden, and felt like it was vibrating slightly. Boomer listened intently, and heard the noise of wood creaking, and something rolling. His face lit up.
“Dude!” he exclaimed, grabbing onto Shining Armor’s face and bringing it way too close to his own. “I think we’re inside a horse-drawn carriage! Oh, man! I’ve always wanted to ride one of these! Not like this, of course, but I mean, if this is how I cross something off of my bucket list, then so be it!”
Shining gasped. “No, no, no! A horse-drawn carriage is bad! It means somepony is taking us far away from Canterlot! We need to get out of here!” He tried running toward a wall, but tripped over something and fell flat on his face.
“Smooth,” Boomer laughed. Shining glared at him, then looked on what he tripped over.
There was Flam, bag over his head, his hooves duct taped together behind his back.
And he was tied to Soarin.
“Tartarus!” Shining cursed, putting his face in his hooves. “Why is he here?!”
Boomer gasped. “He’s your boyfriend! I thought you’d be ecstatic to see him!”
“Not Flam! Soarin!”
“So you admit Flam is your boyfriend, then?”
Shining rolled his eyes. “Just help me free him, please.”
The two crouched down lifted the bags off the other stallions’ heads, who were both still unconscious. Shining tried pulling off the duct tape, but it was wrapped too tightly around Flam’s hooves and wouldn’t come off. He tried biting through it with his teeth and slicing it with his horn, but neither were successful.
“Why do we put criminals in hoof cuffs when duct tape is clearly more effective?” Shining asked, briefly getting his horn stuck to the tape.
“Well, if you get sweaty or wet,” a voice behind them began, “duct tape is actually really easy to break out of.” It belonged to Cheese Sandwich, who was upside down in a corner, balancing on his bag-covered head. As he said this, he demonstrated by slipping out of the duct tape that was around his own hooves. “I duct taped myself to the wall for a party once. Woo! That one was a doozy! Let me tell you, sticky things and curly manes are not friends!”
“You’re here, too?” Boomer asked, scratching his head. “They just kidnapped everypony at the table, it seems.”
“Wait, we’re being kidnapped?!” Cheese gasped, tipping over so the bag fell off his head. “I thought we were headed to Lyra and Bon Bon’s after party!”
Shining shook his head. “You got tied up, and your first thought was I’m headed to a PARTY?!”
“Hey, some ponies are into some weird stuff. I don’t judge!” As Shining Armor and Boomer looked at him, he cracked up and started rolling on the floor, laughing. After almost grating twenty seconds of that, he shot up like a pole, completely serious. “I have the perfect thing to cut that duct tape!” He reached inside his mane and pulled out a knife.
“Boomer, we are going to die today,” Shining whispered, backing away from Cheese. “I can just feel it.”
The earth pony pulled out a knife sharpener and began rubbing the blade against it. “I use this for cutting cakes, pies, pumpkins, sometimes giving myself a manecut--”
“I’ll take that.”
Shining Armor quickly took the knife away from Cheese, placed the handle in his mouth, and walked over to the remaining captive stallions.
That’s when Soarin woke up and opened his eyes.
The first thing he saw was Shining Armor standing above him, carrying a knife.
Naturally, he screamed and kicked the prince in the face.
“Oww!” Shining cried, dropping the blade to the floor. “What was that?!”
“Says the pony with the knife!” Soarin shouted, unsuccessfully trying to move away. He looked down what was binding him and gasped. “I know you’re upset that I was talking with Cadance, but you didn't have to kidnap me and kill me!”
“I wouldn’t do either of those things!”
“You already kidnapped Apple Bloom!”
“Wait, can I get some clarity on that?” Cheese asked, walking between them. “Cause ponies keep mentioning that, and I feel like I might need some context if I’m going to keep rolling with you.”
“Nopony’s rolling with anypony!” Shining groaned. “We’re being kidnapped!”
“Huh?” Flam yawned, opening his eyes. “Oh no. Did we get drunk and kidnap somepony again? Man, I really thought we had learned something from the last time!”
“Did you commit murder last time, too?” Soarin asked, trying to wiggle himself free. “Cause Shining Armor is trying to!”
Flam gasped. “Honey! Jealousy is natural, but you’re taking this way too far!”
They heard a door open and shut behind them, and they all turned around. Emerging through one of the cloth openings was a small head, belonging to an earth pony wearing a black ski mask. She looked into their frightened eyes, and gasped.
“I knew I heard something back here!” She signaled to something behind her, and two similarly dressed unicorns appeared, their horns glowing. “Get down right now, or else!”
“Or else what?” Flam asked, genuinely confused.
The unicorns laughed. “Ahh, I see. We got a stallion over here who thinks he’s brave.”
“No, no, no,” Shining corrected. “Brave is most certainly not the right word!”
“All of you, down to the floor, hooves behind your head!” the mare yelled, to which Boomer, Cheese, and Shining obliged. She turned to her unicorn companions. “Tie them up again. But better this time. Can’t have the S.M.I.L.E. agents slipping out of our hooves!”
“Smile?” Cheese asked, getting a new bag tossed on his head. “As in, come on everypony, smile, smile, smile, fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine--”
“Is that the agency’s anthem?” one of the masked unicorns asked. “It’s awful!”
“Hey! I'm quite fond of the musical stylings of Pinkie Pie!”
The mare grinned. “Pinkie Pie?” she said curiously. “Hmmm. An interesting name. We’ll have to look into that.”
After successfully tying up Cheese, the two unicorns walked over to Shining Armor and Boomer. The latter winked at the former.
Boomer, please don’t do what I think you’re about to do.
Without warning, Boomer dove for the knife on the ground, but overshot by a couple of feet, and instead crashed straight through the cloth.
Falling outside.
“That was totally intentional!” they heard him scream. His voice grew further and further away.
“NO!” the masked ponies shouted. They tried to jump onto of Shining to pin him down, but he expertly dodged and ran over to Cheese Sandwich, who had somehow already freed himself again while nopony was watching. The two gave each other a nod, then made a mad dash for the bundle of Flam and Soarin, secured their hooves around it, and leapt out through the same opening.
They fell on a dirt pathway, and rolled down a hill of dirt and trees.
“Woohoo!” Cheese Sandwich cheered as he slid down the forested terrain. “This is so much fun!”
“We have very different definitions of that word!” Shining screamed.
As they disappeared, one of the masked unicorns peeked out from the carriage, which was still being pulled away. “I can’t see them anymore! Stop the vehicle!”
The mare pulled him back inside. “It’s fine. Let them run for now. They can’t go very far.” She laughed. “No matter where they go, we’ll find them.”
“What if they go into, like, the ocean or something? We’re not prepared for that!”
“Shut up and search. We’ve got stallions to rein in.”