//------------------------------// // I Really Wish I Knew // Story: DON'T CALL ME CUTE // by Flutterpriest //------------------------------// Twilight reviews the scroll in front of her carefully. You can't help looking from her, to the indecipherable runes in front of her, then back to her. "Well?" you ask. "What do you think?" Twilight nods and looks at you. "This should do it, I think. If Celestia has used it on all sorts of ponies and creatures, I have no reason to think that it wouldn't work." "Yeah," you say. "That makes sense." And it does. But there's a weight in the air. A silence. A dread. An excitement. "I guess, we should do it then, and put you back to normal, right?" Twilight says, something in her voice betraying a complex mix of emotions she's holding beneath the surface. A slight space between her words. An unnaturality in her pitch. Enough of this. "Twilight?" you ask. "What happens after?" An uncomfortable pause from Twilight betrays her true feelings. The knife plunges deep into its heart. "What do you mean, Anon?" Twilight asks. "This is it! This is everything we've worked for. You get to go back to normal. Well, the old normal. You'll be back in your human male body, and you can go back to your job, and bacon, and drinking and all of those other things you like. Heck, you can even say that word again." "You mean F$#@?" "Yes that one." The silence hangs in the air once more. "But I mean," you continue. "What's going to happen to us afterward?" Twilight sits on the floor beside you and places a hoof on your shoulder. "Anon, even though you've been in a child's body for months, you've always been an adult in your mind. I adopted you because I felt terrible for the magic accident, and I wanted to fix this, rather than have you swept up into some sort of child system. After this, well, by the numbers... I fixed everything. And you can go back to your normal life. Technically, we don't have to cross paths ever again if you don't want us to." "Well that sounds terrible," you say. "So we can scratch that." Twilight blinks. "You mean, you aren't mad about the whole--" "Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy you fixed this," you interrupt. "I was furious for weeks after the transformation. But you made life really bearable for me. I learned to kind of... accept my new body. Going back is going to be great, but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate everything you did for me." You breathe in deeply through your nose and exhale through your teeth. "I just don't see how we can't be friends after all of this. I feel like I'd be losing something really important if I didn't. And, well. I hope you feel the same." Twilight rests her head on top of yours, reminding you once more that you're smol. "Of course, Anon." After a short moment, you break away from her show of affection. "I hate when you do that." "I know," Twilight says. "What do ya say, Anon? Ready to grow up?" You shake your head while crossing the room. "How long had you been waiting to say that?" "It's the best one-liner I could come up with. Cut me some slack." You turn on the spot across the room, the spot that Twilight always made you stand when you were testing a new spell. You look down at the X on the floor with a sort of wistful feeling in your chest, thinking it will likely be the last day this tape is still on Twilight's floor. "Alright, Twilight. Make me normal again." A bright silver light shines throughout the room. As soon as you see it, it's already over. In sheer astonishment, outside of a near blinding light, it felt like nothing even happened. "Did you do it?" you ask. "Why did you stop?" Twilight stares at you. You look down at yourself, and that's when you noticed that you're on all fours. Your hands and feet are flatly on the ground. Your butt is raised high in the air. You're as naked as the day you were born. "I-I uh. I'll get those clothes we brought!" Twilight blurts as she runs out of the room. "Y-yeah, thanks." "Well, I guess that's it," you say, the cold night air even more frigid against your exposed cheeks. That's going to be one thing you miss about fur. "My house is just up ahead, and you already gave me my key." "You sure, Anon?" Twilight says. "I really don't mind helping you get settled on your first night. It's really the least I can do." "I got this, Twilight. Really. Plus it will be nice to come back home on, well, my own terms." You stop right as your road turns off, any further and you'd be on your way to Fluttershy's cottage and the Everfree Forest. Twilight looks up at you and nods. "Were you always this tall?" she asks. "I swear I'm going to pull something in my neck if I have to look up at you all the time." You chuckle and kneel down to her. "Careful Twi, my mannerisms are rubbing off on you." "Says the pony who hasn't been swearing as much." "Person," you correct. "Is that what that feels like?" Twilight asks. "I really need to stop doing that." You wrap your arms around her neck, and she wraps her hooves around you. You feel her wings wrap around your back and pull you tight. And in that moment, you feel a soft warmth well up from deep within you. "Thanks again, Twilight. Really." "It's not a problem. We're still on for lunch on Saturday, right?" she asks. "Of course." You attempt to break the hug, but she still holds tightly. Your smile widens just a crack. You can't help thinking to yourself that whatever foal she has is going to have a great Mom. She lets go, and you stand back up. "See you then, Twilight." "See you, Anon. If you ever need anything, don't be afraid to stop by. Any time." "Of course, Twi." You turn down your road and begin to walk. "Anon!" she calls. "I really mean it!" You wave a hand as you keep walking. If you stopped and said bye for each time she would, the two of you could get into an endless loop. After all, there's no sense in being sad. It's not really the end. She's always going to be on the other side of town, ready to visit, right? There's literally no reason to be choked up or emotional right now. So there's no reason she needs to see your face. After all, this is a really good day. Your home stands in the distance, and you can't help but break into a brisk jog. The speed is almost a little disorienting. You slow down, feeling your stomach churn. But the feeling is short lived when you see the front door wide open. You walk up carefully to get a closer look at your house. One of your windows is completely shattered. Getting closer, you see the majority of the glass fragments are inside the house, not outside. Meaning it was broken from the outside. And with the door being open... "Hello?" you call out. You step through the front door and look around. Your TV is missing. but all in all the house seems to be almost exactly as you left it, with the exception of a thick layer of dust and some glass around the window that's shattered. In a way, the home feels... haunted. "Is anyone there?" you ask. Whoever stole your TV is probably long gone, but you can't help but feel the weight of the world come crashing down on your shoulders again. Welcome back to adulthood, Anon. Of course somepony found out you weren't living here and couldn't get in, and seized the opportunity. That's life. You flip a nearby light switch, and nothing happens. The power is still out. "I guess months of unpaid bills do that." You head over to the fridge whose door is open wide and a few gentle squeaks mumble from inside. Looks like a few mice made sure that none of your food went to waste. That's probably a good thing. No horrible odors or anything. Using the light from the setting sun outside, you ascend the stairs to your bedroom. You've never been a particularly clean person, but you can't help but look at your unmade bed and see it as a kind of child's room. You head to your sock drawer and pull out a small bag. There were more bits in the bank, but of course, without a matching I.D. they weren't able to be withdrawn. And it looks like some good for nothing kids broke in and only took the TV. "Looks like I'm going out tonight." And you have just the place in mind. You pull open the door to your favorite bar in town. And sure enough, right beside your seat, is that familiar mare who never failed to keep your evenings interesting. Berry seems to be on her second glass of wine, because there's at least one empty on the bar in front of her. But who knows. She could have been going at this for hours before this. You pull the stool beside her away and she puts a hoof down on it. "I'm waiting for a friend," she says, her eyes still fixed on the glass in front of her. "Sorry for running late," you say. She turns, visibly surprised. Then a smile creeps on her face. "You little S$#@. What took you so long?" "I believe you mean 'Shit.' And they had human bodies on back order at the body store. Can you believe it? And their prices were out of this world." She slaps you with a hoof and you sit down beside her. "That's really the best you could come up with?" "Honestly, yeah," you say. "I spent the rest of my cash on dick size instead of wit." "A noble cause!" she says, raising her glass. You can't help but chuckle. "Well, there he is," the bartender says, approaching you and berry. "What'll it be." "Well... How about a scotch? To celebrate." "He's on me tonight, Cedar," Berry says. "You don't have to do that," you say. "I've got bits." Berry shakes her head and snickers. "You're cute, you know that?" And in that moment, something drops in the pit of your stomach. Something changes within you. You feel... almost hurt. You feel... small. "Yeah?" you ask, quietly. Berry blinks and takes a sip of her drink. "Anon. I'm sorry. I meant it as a compliment. I didn't know it would get under your skin." You try to find the right words to say as the bartender puts a scotch in front of you. "Welcome back to being a Stallion, son," the bartender says as he trots away to the next guest. "Honestly? I didn't know it would," you say. You take a sip of the smokey, charred whiskey and feel it burn down the back of your throat. You eye its amber like glow in the lights above you. Is this really that special? "Are you okay, Anon?" Berry asks. "I thought you wanted this." "I did want this," you say. "I'm happy to be back in my body. My REAL body. I just. I don't know. I thought it would be different. I thought I would feel more like me. When I was a filly, it was easy for me to point at my body and be like BOOM. That's what's wrong. But now..." You open your mouth to say something, but then just turn in your chair to her. "Do you know how weak and helpless it felt to be, like, 2 feet tall? Sure you do. You were a filly once. But I mean, I never had that. And I felt just so weak and helpless and It never really clicked in my head until, like, right now that I'm weak and helpless even as an adult. My house was broken into. And sure, maybe only my TV was taken, but I've got to restart from almost scratch, and it just feels so daunting. Like I can't hold up under the pressure. And I can't help but feel like I'm going to hear someone tell me 'You just gotta be an adult. Just be a bigger man about it and you'll be fine.' But I don't feel like a man. At least, not all the time. Hell. Sometimes, when I was a filly, I felt like I was in the right body. And I could just accept that I was weak and helpless and had to ask ponies for help. I mean, SHIT man." You slam your scotch down on the counter. A few ponies around the bar look at you. You catch yourself for a moment. Your breathing is rapid. You raise a hand to the other ponies around the bar and they go back to their business. "Anon..." Berry says softly. "I don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if I made the right choice. Maybe being a kid was better." Berry puts a hoof on your arm and you look up into her eyes. "Do you know what I mean?" Berry looks to her glass of wine and takes it by the stem. Then sets it down and pushes it away. "I have this friend, Anon. You might have seen her before. Brown mane? Orange fur? Now, I know this will be a weird comparison. And maybe it's not fair to really... do this, but I'm trying to understand, okay?" she says, then pauses before continuing. "She wasn't always. Well. A mare. And when she wasn't. She always felt like she had some sort of... Stallion Standard that she had to hold up to. And it ate at her. All the time. Because she never really felt like a stallion. Ever, really. So, she did a lot of counseling, and, well, she decided to transition." You nod and look down at your body. "It's not really fair to make that comparison though," you say. "I mean. I didn't want to make the transition the first time, and I wanted to go back. So, I'm not sure that talking about someone whose trans is really appropriate to my situation." "And it isn't," Berry says. "But one of the things she felt was... S$#@ it's on the tip of my tongue. Body Dysphoria. And it's this really serious condition where people stress and about their appearance. And to be clear, I'm not trying to diagnose you. For one, I'm not a doctor. And two, I haven't had enough wine. But the point I'm trying to make is that at the end of the day, if you're in a body that makes you feel comfortable and feel more like you, that's what's most important. Because at the end of the day, things like gender or fur color don't matter. You have to like who you are on the inside." You wrap your hand around Berry's hoof. "Heck, not liking myself is why I stopped drinking as much." The silence hangs in the air, drifting between the space between you and Berry. "When did that start?" you ask. She opens her mouth then shakes her head. "I'll just say, I wish I remembered what happened when you woke up at my place that one day. Can I leave it at that?" You nod then look at the scotch in front of you. "Yeah, and I won't press." "After all, we're talking about you," she adds, quickly pushing the subject away. "I guess," you say. "I guess. I'm just trying to say that sometimes I don't really feel like I'm a guy or a girl. I mean. It's hard to explain. And it's hard to talk about. I don't really know what I'm saying." "And that's okay, Anon," Berry says. "Maybe it's a result of the transformation. But hey, if it isn't, maybe you're non-binary, and that's okay too. You are my friend. And I like who you are. Not what you look like." You grab your scotch again and take another sip. "The dick helps though?" you ask. She snorts an unexpected laugh. "Sure, let's go with that," Berry says. She looks up to the glass of wine, then to the bartender, then around at the ponies in the bar. "Let's get out of here." You squirt scotch out your nose. "What?" "Fine, I'll spell it out. Anon, we've had enough drunken conversations to know we like each other. We have more in common than just drinking. You're a good person. And I know you're going through a lot, and it's not fair to ask, but we've been friends for... I've lost track." You blink and sip your scotch. "You want to date... me?" you ask. "I'm not even your species." "Trust me, I know having you meet my parents won't be easy. That's a whole mess. And. I." Berry then stops. Something strange begins to happen in front of your eyes. In front of you, you almost don't see the grown mare that you've gotten to know over your time in Ponyville. Instead... well. It's just a scared filly. Trying to figure out life one step at a time. "Listen, if you don't want to, I understand. It was stupid of me to ask." "No, I do. I want to give this a shot," you say. "I'd regret it if I threw away giving us a shot." She leans on your shoulder. "Then. Do you wanna meet up at my place?" "Sure. Just. Can I ask two things?" you ask. She looks up at you and nods. "First, well. I guess I wanna take it slow. If that makes sense," you ask. Berry gently places a hoof on your leg. "Of course, but I reserve the right to gently flirt with you, if that's okay." You chuckle and nod. "And second. And I know this is weird, but, do you mind if I pick up some stuff from Twilight's place? I left a few things there that would make it easier to crash at your place." Berry leans back in surprise. "Er, if that's what you suggested. Sorry. My house just feels weird to go into-- and I dunno. I shouldn't have assumed." "Well, all I have is my couch or the bed. So you'll have to choose between one of those two. We can hash it out when you get there." You can't help but smile. "Thanks, Berry." You lean forward and give her a tight hug. You down the scotch and make your way outside. You knock on the door of Twilight's Castle. You look up at the moon and think to yourself it must be no more than 10pm. You shift on your feet, feeling uncomfortable. The door opens slightly. "Listen Twilight, I just need to make sure that we don't love-" Spike peeks his head out. He remains silent as he looks up at you. A part of you feels like you drank a bottle of mouthwash. "Five bits if you never say a word." "Deal," he says, holding out his claw. You deposit five bits and he takes them. "I'll get Twilight for you." You step inside the castle, and the familiar warmth returns. Twilight descends the stairs eagerly. "Anon? Is everything alright?" she asks. "I knew I should have followed you to your house. Did something happen." "Twilight, it's okay. Really. I'm fine." Twilight exhales in relief. "For a second I was worried somepony broke into your house or the power wasn't back on or something." "Actually both of those are true. But I--" "WHAT?!" "Listen. I want to talk to you about something serious." Twilight examines you for a second. You can see the creases of her face firm into her typical anxious worry. "Sure, I'll make some tea." She ushers you to the kitchen, but you feel as if you're simply following her through your home. Honestly, even though you were meeting up on Saturday to get whatever things you wanted to keep, a part of you wishes you could just stay here. But that wouldn't be the adult thing to do. Everything is different when you're an adult. It's harder to find the levity in things. Problems feel like they just get harder and harder. And when you're young, you only care about simple things. Like games at recess. But when you get older, everything changes. And the same old simple problems just... change. You sit down at the table and watch as Twilight frantically puts together a kettle of water and two mugs. "It must be really important if you came here this late. You know, if you need to stay here until everythings settles at home, that's okay." "That means a lot Twilight, but no. I actually needed to get a firm answer on something." You look down at your hands and firmly squeeze them into fists. Twilight sits down from across from you. "I'm all ears," she says soothingly. And in that moment, you feel like you could ask her anything. Tell her anything. And wonder if you aren't about to make the worst mistake in your life. Maybe you are. "This bond we have. It's not romantic, right?" Twilight blinks. "I mean, do I have to spell it out?" you say. "I think I love you. But not like... in the pretty, romantic kissy way. More, like. I dunno. I never got the chance to be close to my Mom when I was young. Especially after the divorce. And I think I have feelings for this other mare in town. But it also just didn't feel... the same. And everything feels weird now that I'm not a filly. And I just had to tell someone. Because everything is all jumbled up in my head. And I really need someone in my life I can lean on. I just don't know what to do now, Mom." You inhale. The alarms in your head scream. "Er, I mean, Twilight." Twilight smiles and looks down at the table. "That probably shouldn't have made me feel good, huh?" Twilight asks. "I don't even know anymore," you say. "I should probably talk to a therapist or something." "That's probably smart," Twilight says. "And I'm more than happy to be somepony in your life you can lean on, Anon. I'm here for you. And no, our relationship isn't romantic. Whatever you want to call it is okay with me." You collapse against the table. The kettle begins to whistle. And all you can do is just laugh. "Do you have any idea how much better I feel?" Twilight shakes her head, rises from the table and begins to pour the tea. "You're a lot like me, Anon. Although you don't realize it. You get really anxious over really small things sometimes. Part of the reason I really began to enjoy helping you as a filly was how much you reminded me of myself. And hearing you talk about your feelings, it reminded me a lot of how I felt about Princess Celestia. And it's... well. I'm not used to being on the other side. But I certainly don't mind. It's nice." She levitates a mug to you and she takes her seat once more. "So, no. I don't care if you date anypony. I'm happy for you. After all, what could I say. No? I'm not your real mom." You can't help but laugh, pulling the mug to you and pressing it against your cheek. You probably should sit up, but it feels nice to just let go right now. "But more importantly, who is this mare?" "Berry Punch," you say, running your hands through your hair. "She's awesome. We've always been good friends." "I heard she started drinking a lot more for a while after you became a filly. Then when she heard you were trying to turn back, she began to try and limit herself," she said. "But maybe that's a rumor." "I dunno," you say, going back to sitting like a normal person. "Until she called me cute, I'm not sure she would have ever told me." "Oh I bet you hated that," Twilight said after a sip of wine. "Are you sleeping at her place tonight?" "Probably," you respond. "I'm still getting my head on straight. I kinda feel like I swallowed that dragon dildo." "That reminds me," Twilight adds. "You really need to take that tonight or Spike might find it and get ideas." "Good thinking." You take a sip of your tea and nearly burn your mouth. And for the first time since you had your body, you feel like you. Like things are going to be okay. "You probably shouldn't keep her waiting though, Anon." Twilight says. "If you need to stay here, I understand." "I know, I know. I'm just trying to figure out how I can walk over there with a dragon dildo and say I'm not in the mood." Twilight shrugs. "Sword fight?" Another involuntary laugh escapes you. "My sense of humor really did rub off on you." You rise from your seat and stretch out your arms, trying to get used to all the muscles you recently reclaimed. "Can I ask you something, Anon?" You nod, placing your hands on the back of the chair. "Of course. Shoot." "Why do you hate being called cute?" she asks. "Boys and girls can both be cute. And usually it's seen as a sort of compliment. I've seen you bask in praise before. I guess it just never really made sense to me." You look down at the half empty glass of tea. "I guess, in a lot of ways, it made me feel weak. Like I was less of a man. Or. Well. Person. I know people are supposed to like it, and should just shrug it off. Why are you taking it so seriously or whatever. But it always made me feel... reduced." "I think I get it," Twilight said. "But, you do know that it's okay to be cute, right? Like, ponies like you. It's okay to be who you are. Even if one of the words to describe it is cute." You fidget with your fingers, trying to find the right words to say. "I guess I'm just not really comfortable with who I am. And I've still got a lot to figure out." You sit back down in your seat and drain your tea. Berry can wait a few more minutes. Maybe it's something in the air, or something about this place, but right now, you're having a special moment with one of the most important peop- ponies, in your life. "Do you have any idea how long it takes to feel comfortable in your own skin, Twilight?" you ask. Twilight mulls it over for a moment then takes a sip of her tea. "Anon, I really wish I knew."