//------------------------------// // WHY IS SUNHORSE HERE // Story: DON'T CALL ME CUTE // by Flutterpriest //------------------------------// Life often leaves you with more questions than answers. For instance, if Twilight meant: “The most powerful sorceress” in Equestria, why did she say magician? In addition… “Why does your mane wave like that all the time?” you ask Princess Celestia. She eyes your form carefully, gently humming to herself when studying your tail and ears. Spike sits in the corner of the magic lab, flipping through a comic book and Twilight sorts through dozens of papers with her magic, each document flying through the air like a pigeon who is kind enough not to shit over everything you love in life. “Anon, please let Celestia focus,” Twilight says, flipping through the pile of notes she made.  “He’s really quite alright, Twilight,” Celestia says. “I know the effect I have on children.” “Is that gross?” you say. “Cause that sounds gross.” “It’s not gross!” Twilight interjects. “Anon. Behave.” “So, this happened because you used a teleportation spell,” Celestia clarifies. “You were aiming to teleport an apple from one side of town into your castle. Then, somehow, you accidentally teleported Anon here into your home, as a pony.” “Yes,” Twilight says. She sets down her papers and approaches Celestia. “And tell me about the satyr spell,” Celestia says, placing a hoof on your lower jaw and opening your mouth. “Nice teeth.” You feel proud of your recent exploits in dental hygiene, and throw Twilight a proud look, which she pretends she didn’t see.  “The satyr spell was what I came up with when I reverse engineered the teleportation spell and what could have gone wrong. Three strange phonetic changes were able to give him half of his body back. Roughly translated from old poneish runes, I turned: ‘Bring the object I desire closer to me’ into ‘Bring the person who’s annoying into our form.’” Celestia nods in understanding. “Translation never was your strong suit. I always had Starswirl do my translations for me. Did you ‘A’ when you should have ‘Ae’d.” “That, and I ‘o’ed when I should have ‘Ou’d. And I completely mumbled over an ‘eyh’.” “Are you guys having a stroke?” you ask. “Because I can’t be expected to be a responsible adult.” “Then why do you even want to be an adult human again,” Celestia asks.  “Because it feels icky. And sex is good.” “ANON!” Twilight exclaims, her face fully flushed in irritation. “No, it’s quite alright, Twilight,” Celestia says. “Sex is good. You should find out sometime.” Twilight’s mouth drops in surprise, and beyond all comprehension, her face grows even redder. “F$#@! burn,” you say. “I like you, Celestia. You can stay.”  “Don’t get any ideas,” she says. “But speaking of ideas, I’m genuinely surprised you’ve never mentioned transfiguration spells.” Twilight’s mouth closes and her head tilts slightly. “Transfiguration? But live being transfiguration is outlawed magic. The implications of changing a being from one form into another is so unethical.” “Well,” Celestia says. “Like it or not, that's where we are. Some form of accidental black magic was cast and it turned poor Anon here into a pony.” “Does this mean I broke the law?” Twilight asks. Celestia shrugs. “You’re a princess.” “Good point,” Twilight says. “Wait, are we seriously just going to gloss over this?!” you shout. Spike, who has been sitting in the corner, trying not to be noticed decides to pipe up. “It’s really better when you just let go and let them do stuff to you.” “NOBODY CARES, SPIKE,” you shout at him. He sighs and grabs another comic book. “I tried,” he mumbles. “But still,” Twilight says. “We would have to do so much research to try and find a spell that would return a being back to it’s original form. Even if we decide to push aside the ethics of performing this kind of magic-” “Twilight,” Celestia interrupts. “I fought Discord.” A silence falls over the room. “Oh,” she says. “Yeah, that seems like something that would be good to have to clean up his messes.” “It’s been a long time, mind you,” Celestia says. “But I believe I even still have a fully translated version in my study. I could just send it to you and then, boom. That’s it. Problem solved.” Twilight shakes her head. You step forward and fall off your seat. Spike looks over his comic in surprise. “Wait, that’s it?” you ask in disbelief. “Just like that? Back to normal.” “It would sure seem so,” Princess Celestia says. “The spell is supposed to return any creature back to its original form. I don’t see why it wouldn’t fix it.” Twilight sits and looks from Celestia to you. “I guess I got so wrapped up in me being the one to fix this, that if I just would have asked sooner, we would have avoided a ton of-” “Bulls$#@?”  “No, Anon. Shenanigans.” Celestia smiles and nods. “Well, it seems that we know what comes next,” Celestia says. “I’ll give all of you some time alone. In the meantime, I’ll fly back to Canterlot and get you that translation, Twilight.” The room remains silent as Twilight looks from you back to Celestia. “Would you like for me to come back and help with the spell?” she asks. “Uhm,” Twilight opens her mouth to say something, but closes it. She shakes her head, and moves to stand up, but quickly retakes position, as if her legs forgot how to stand. Honestly? It would be better for all of us to talk about this in private. Worst case, Twilight can send a letter, right? “I trust Twilight can do this,” you say. Celestia nods.  “Then I will await your message to hear how it turned out. Good luck, everypony.” Celestia moves to the door of the lab, and lets herself out. You look to Twilight, who stares at the floor. You move beside her and place a hoof on hers. “You okay there, Twilight?” you ask. She looks from you back to the floor. “No. Honestly, I’m not.”