//------------------------------// // A Bizarre World and Even More Bizarre Introductions. // Story: BIZARRO Am NOT iN EQUESTRIA // by Hotel_Chicken //------------------------------// BIZZARO POV I’m not sure how long I was passed out for, it could have been hours, days, hell it could have even been weeks. But, as I slowly stirred out of unconsciousness my mind wasn’t questioning how long I had been asleep. Instead my thoughts were focused on my surroundings. The first thing that I noticed was the sound of birds chirping and leaves being pushed by a gentle breeze from my right. The breeze wasn’t too strong, but it was enough to slightly move my cape and let it be carried by the calming wind for a brief moment. As serene and peaceful as this all was it was wrong. I shouldn’t have been outside in the grass, there was barely any grass outside the convention center. And why couldn’t I hear things like people, cars, sirens, or jerks who rolled down all their windows and blared music out of their car? As these thoughts entered my mind I regained another one of my senses, smell, and I could smell EVERYTHING. I smelled the dew of the grass, the fresh scent of roses, dandelions, and various other plants and flora. I could also smell something unholy and rancid. To compare that ungodly stench to shit would be a great understatement and a horrible insult towards shit. It smelled like a sack of skunks were twirled around in the air, throw in the middle of a street, and then run over by a garbage truck driven by Fat Bastard from Austin Powers. My eyes shot open as I struggled not to gag and cry over the suffocating stench. As my eyes widened and looked around I noticed that I was no where near the convention center. Instead I appeared to be in the middle of a dense forest with large ominous black trees. I’m not a… Whatever you call plant scientists, but I was fairly certain that trees shouldn’t be tar black with hints of purple in them. The last sense I regained, aside from taste, was touch. And with it came the feeling of my body. I felt…. Odd to say the least. It was both euphorically pleasurable and excruciatingly painful. My skin felt chalky, coarse, and rough. It had a similar feel to that elephant that I helped my little sister, Lilly, pet for her tenth birthday party. She had the biggest smile on her face when we finally got to see the horses. It was a smile only rivaled by the one she had after I graduated High school. My blissful memories were brought to a screeching halt as I felt all the muscles in my body scream out in pain. It was a horrible discomfort, but also strangely relaxing. It was like cracking your neck early in the morning to loosen it up. It hurt for a second, but felt sooooo good. First came the searing pain from my muscles, followed by the almost orgasmic release of all my muscles. I felt incredible, like I was at the peak of human perfection. All of this however, was nothing compared to the throbbing pain that instantly appeared in my skull after that. My skull felt like it was fighting not to crack under the immense pressure my brain was forcing on it. Meanwhile my brain was struggling to not be crushed inside the vice like grip of my skull. This was pain I never knew before. I had gotten headaches, concussions, brain damage, once I even cracked my skull open when I fell from a tree. To put it simply, this pain was incomparable to any of those injuries or pains. I screamed in agony for god knows how long, never questioning why I didn’t pass out from not breathing in as I clutched my head and rolled around on the ground. As the pain slowly died down I finally noticed that my screams sounded different, my voice was immensely deeper. It was gravely and raspy, like someone had drank a glass of salt and pebbles. It was oddly familiar, almost like… “Bizarro?…” I asked myself in a voice that wasn’t mine. I looked down at my body, everything looked normal, I still had my costume, my necklace, and my ring box was just two feet away from me. But, as I looked at myself more closely I realized that I wasn’t wearing the fake muscle suit I bought, this was all real muscle. My body had grown to a… well, a bizarre scale. It wasn’t the overly obnoxious amount of muscle that you’d see body builders show off at competitions, but it was still incredible strong. My chest was absolutely massive, and I could see the clear outline of a six pack pressed tightly against my skin tight suit. It clung to my body as if it were a second skin, which it may as well have been for all intense purposes. I was also able to see the skin on my exposed hands. They were bone white and felt like cold hardened stone. and OH MY GOD! My fingers! Ignoring how utterly fucked up my fingernails looked, I stared at my fingers as I was mesmerized by their immense power. My pinky finger alone looked like it could snap a dozen #2 Pencils in half with one flex, and I bet it could too. Grinning like a little boy on Christmas morning, I clenched my fists and felt the raw power that emulated off of them. If this was a dream I never wanted to wake up. I jumped to my feet only to completely overshoot and fly into the air at unimaginable speeds laughing like a mad man. As I soured into the clouds I came crashing back down to earth, creating a massive crater around me that blew dozens of trees away. This was one awesome dream! And then I realized something, I knew I was dreaming. That’s something that has never happened to me before. Whenever I would find out I was dreaming, my body would instantly wake me up, denying me the ability to create the dream world as I pleased. It was something that always pissed me off. Other people talked about how they could have lucid dreams and do amazing things like fly and be super heroes, while I was just stuck in my childhood park on a bench avoiding the scolding hot Iced Tea that flooded the park as mutant shark people circled around me… Now that I think about it that does sound pretty weird. No wonder I have to go to therapy so often. So I was either having a really lucid dream that didn’t immediately dissipate after I realized I was dreaming or, less likely, I wasn’t dreaming. I couldn’t really pinch myself or anything. That whole “can’t feel pain in dreams” is total bullshit. Remember how I mentioned the scolding hot Iced Tea lake? How would I have known it was scolding hot unless I dipped my leg in and felt it. I also couldn’t just piss myself, no way was I ruining either my bed or the hospital bed that must have been prepared for me after the convention. Maybe I was just having a really bad trip on the drugs the doctors were pumping in my body. They could have easily meant to give me morpheme but accidentally grabbed some of the heavier stuff instead. It wouldn’t be the weirdest thing. It would certainly explain how weird and vivid this world looked if I was stoned out of my mind. Deciding to not look a gift horse in the mouth and just enjoy this weird drug trip, I picked up my lead ring box, chose a random direction, and started walking. Why didn’t I fly? Because it’s been far too long since I went on a nature hike, and I planned on enjoying myself how I saw fit. I was worried I would just have to carry the box in my hand the entire time, but it turns out my hallucination thought ahead of me as it magnetically stuck to the yellow sash on my red tights. Looking at the strange hallucination forest was a surreal experience for me. All of the trees had a creepy yet beautiful vibe to it. Jeez, what is it with this hallucination and contradictions? First I’m in a mix of agony and bliss, and now I’m in a creepy but serene forest. I thought to myself, as I continued walking in my randomly chosen direction. Suddenly, I heard a noise coming from my right, it sounded like a woman grumbling about something. “Stupid wheels… Never trust wheels again….” The mysterious voice said. Even though it wasn’t close enough to hear it, it felt as if the mysterious person was talking right next to my ear. Well, I might as well follow the white rabbit down the rabbit hole to find Wonderland. I made my way to the mysterious voice, it’s voice growing louder but simultaneously becoming more unrecognizable. The mysterious voice was no longer using intelligible words, but instead turned into a series of grunts and angry yells. Once I finally made it through the thick line of trees I saw a decently sized yellow wagon on three large wheels. The roof of the wagon appeared to be made of red shingles which was a little lighter the the red on my costume. There was also a pole at the front of the wagon that had a purple flag hanging off of it. On the flag was what looked like a slightly deformed blue crescent moon, with a star wand laying on top of the moon. I didn’t realize it yet, but that symbol looked awfully familiar. It was only when the exasperated… woman, stepped out from the other side of the wagon carrying a replacement wheel that I realized who I was looking at. Standing at about a dozen feet away from me was a blue skinned woman with long flowing white hair. She wore a long sleeve hoodie that was nearly an identical shade of blue to my costume. She also had on a purple skirt that had the same symbol that was on the flag hanging outside her wagon. And finally, the details that were the most striking were the blue horn that jutted out of her head and the white tail that poked out from the top of her skirt. I couldn’t believe it, even in hallucination land Equestria Girls had wormed it’s was into my thoughts. But why? As I stepped forward my foot snapped a twig underneath me. Trixie turned around with her horn already lit up, most likely expecting something akin to a Timberwolf to be there and not me. “What the? Who are you, what do you want!” Trixie demanded. Well, I might as well see where a conversation with a hallucination will take me. Hello, don’t worry, I'm not here to fight you. “Goodbye, Bizarro am clobber you!” I said with a smile and a cheerful tone…….. .................. WHAT?! The next moment I felt something hit my chest and send me flying into one of the trees behind me. A resounding crack echoed throughout the forest as the thick piece of wood broke from my trajectory. After bouncing off of the broken tree and hitting the ground I looked up groggily. And then a new-found sensation of unbelievable pain washed over me. Ouch… So, remember when I said I didn’t believe that whole, “can’t feel pain in a dream” opinion I had. Well, I would like to revise my earlier opinion and statement by saying that people can’t feel pain this IMMENSE in dreams. God... Ok, this pain is too real to just be a trick of the brain. Trixie walked up to me, her horn still glowing. I raised up my hands hoping to calm down the… Mare, and show her that I wasn’t hostile. Please, wait there’s a misunderstanding. “Keep coming. You am know best.” FUCK! “YIPPIE!” I jumped away from another magical blast before it hit me. Damnit why was I saying such stupid shit!? “How did you avoid Trixie’s spell!?” She yelled, as I dodged another one in the blink of an eye. I don't know! "Me know!" I dodged another blast of magic as it came flying at me. Damnit, why am I saying the…. exact…. oh damnit. I stopped running and held up both of my hands. “STOP! NO FIGHT!” Surprisingly, she actually listened. “Oh, had enough have you? What are you, some type of bandit?” I wanted to beat the ever loving shit out of you when I first saw you, you understand this situation perfectly. I have an amazing grasp of the english language. I thought to myself, but what came out instead was, “Me no want to fight, you no know! Words hard for Bizarro.” “Then why did you threaten to attack Trixie?” She hissed. “Words bad. Mouth say not what brain want. Me want say good, it say bad. Me think right, it say other right.” I tried to explain. Jesus, thinking in opposites is difficult. “And why should Trixie believe you?” “Me can’t make you believe Bizarro, but me am sorry for scaring you. Let me make up.” I offered, pointing to her clearly broken wagon wheel. “Oh. You’ll fix my wagon wheel?” She snickered after that. “As if a stallion can do it. Leave it to the mares, hun.” She said as she went back to her wagon and fruitlessly tried to lift it with her arms. Well, screw you too you apparently sexist ass. I was half tempted to leave her there and figure her own shit out. But I still felt bad about scaring her like that. And now that I realize this isn’t a hallucination, thank you indescribable pain, which means I was away from home and away from civilization. Walking up to her wagon I effortlessly lifted it up with one hand as she stared at me in awe. “Mind take off wheel and put on new wheel?” I asked her. As her horn lit up the old broken wheel was quickly taken off of its axis and replaced it with a new wheel that was slightly darker than any of the other wheels on the wagon. Putting it down slowly I dusted off my hands and started walking away. “Be safe!” I yelled to her, only to feel a slight tugging on my cape. Turning around, I noticed the bottom of my cape was coated in a magical blue aura that was emanating from the tip of Trixie’s horn. “Wait, that’s it? You threaten Trixie and then you fix her wagon? Why?” “Like Bizarro say, me am bad at words.” I told her as I held my hand to my chest. “Me want to say no be scared but instead me told you be scared.” She had a thoughtful expression on her face as she considered my explanation. “hmmm. So then you were bewitched then? Or perhaps cursed?” “Cursed.” I told her, I mean, I technically was cursed. What else would anyone call this situation? “I see. Then Trixie apologizes for thinking that you were a bandit.” She said as she released my cape from her magical grasp. I turned around to fully greet her as she walked towards me. As she did so, I noticed that even with three-inch purple high heel shoes, Trixie only came up to my chest. “So, what will you do now?” She asked, clear interest prevalent in her voice. “Bizarro am need to get home, but me no know way out forest.” “Hmm….” Trixie tapped her index finger on her chin for a while, mauling her thoughts over. “Well Trixie can’t just let a stallion roam around the Everfree Forest alone. Alright, Trixie will assist you on the condition that you help her with her next performance, it can also be your repayment for startling Trixie with your words. Trixie could use an assistant, especially one that would be good eye candy for the Mares in the audience.” Screw you, I’m not just some slab of meat. “Me am in agree.” “Great! You look like a fairly strong earth Stallion. Your first task will be to pull Trixie’s wagon. Trixie has been pulling it non-stop for several days now, and Trixie could use a break.” “Ok.” I grabbed the harness off of the ground and readjusted the straps for my massive chest. Oh man I am never going to get over that. Trixie went through the door in the back of the wagon and popper her head out of a fairly large window at the front of it. “Onward stallion! MUSH!” I turned around and glared at her which caused her to smile sheepishly. “Um, that is to say, Trixie is ready when you are mr…” Did… Did she really not know my name? I was talking about myself in the third person ever since I met her. How did she not know it? Well, at least I can give her my real name. I can explain why I called myself Bizarro later. Hi, I’m Michael Goodman. “Goodbye. Me name am Bizarro.” ….God Damnit. “Bizarro? Hmmm, that's a rather… strange name. Well, the Great and Polite Trixie will introduce herself as well!” She boasted. She leaned out of the window and held her hand out. “Hi, I’m Trixie, it’s nice to meet you.” She said politely. If it wasn’t for her full 180 from boastful to normal I probably would have made a comment about how unnecessary introductions were. Instead, I just smiled and shook her offered hand. “Nice to meet Tri… Tix… Triex…” What the hell? I know her name, it’s Trixie, so why can’t I say it? “Trix… Tirex…Um… Name hard for Bizarro to say. Tick mind if I call her Trick?” I asked. She thought about it for a second before she shrugged. “Very well, so long as you do not address Trixie that way on stage. It could hurt Trixie’s brand if ponies started associating her name with trickery.” I nodded and started walking walking in the direction Trixie was going before our… first encounter. I have to admit this was all a pretty surreal experience, no more than two minutes ago she was ready to, somewhat justifiably, attack me. And now we were acting all buddy buddy like it never happened? This was all too weird… Luckily the walk was far less weird than our unusual introductions. For the first few minutes it was pretty silent as we both enjoyed the scenery passing us by. It reminded me of the hikes I used to go on with my Great Grandma near her farm. She might have been up there in age, but she could give Granny Smith a run for her money when it came to being active. I remember that while we were walking down the path Great Grandma brought along her two dogs, Susan and Blackey. Guess which one I cleverly named at the ripe old age of ten. Blackey was a good dog, but really misunderstood. After he bit Great Gram’s hand he was never let back inside the house and was always chained up to one of the hundreds of cars, vans, and rusted trucks my Great uncle bought and left at the farm. He basically turned the place into a parking lot graveyard. I remember my cousin Rob and I were terrified of Blackey when we were younger. To be fair, he was a giant black dog, probably part German Shepherd, with missing patches of fur on his back, tail, and legs, along with a heavy chain connected to his collar, and the loudest bark you’ve ever heard. I remember one day my Great Gram asked me if I could get some eggs from the chicken coop near the back of the farm. Here’s another guessing game, it’s called, “Guess which dog was chained up near the only path to the chicken coop.” If you guessed Blackey, then congratulations, go grab a cookie and come back when you’re done. I was honestly surprised when he didn’t bother me as I walked past him. I half expected him to growl or bark at me, but instead he looked at me with wide eyes, his tongue sticking out of his mouth as he panted and wagged his disheveled tale. It was so strange to see this terrifying creature look so happy. The next day I did something potentially stupid and dangerous, I pet the dog that my mom told me to never go near. It actually turned out that Blackey was just a giant ball of love and energy, all he really wanted was a little attention, and I was more than willing to give it to him. And, after a good amount of pleading, begging, and coxing, I was able to get my cousin Rob to see it too. Lilly was a lot easier to convince that Blackey was a good dog when she was old enough to come to the farm with us. She promptly gave him the title of bestest boy after hugging him vehemently. A title he definitely deserved. Lilly loved Blackey, but my parents still had their reservations about the dog so she didn’t get to see him too often. Whenever I would go to my Great Grandma’s farm after that I would always make sure to visit Blackey as soon as I arrived. I would feed him canned dog food, pet him, and on the more rare occasions when he wasn’t begging for attention or playing with one of his toys, I would just sit near him as he was eating or sleeping. You should have seen him when he was let off of his leash for the hike, he was jumping around, running, and maybe even doing a little prancing as he just ran around and looked at everything like he was a new born puppy. It was one of the most heartwarming things I ever saw. Which made it all the worse when he died. It was a sad day when I learned he passed away. He died of old age, but no one was really sure how old he was. For his last few weeks of life he was let back in the house to be with his family. Well, almost all of his family. I didn’t learn about any of that until a week later when I went to the farm and noticed he wasn’t there on his leash next to the old white van that he used to sleep in when he didn’t want to use his Doggie house. I cried all night when I found out my best friend had died. I was brought out of my bitter sweet trip down memory road when Trixie asked me something. “Hm? What Trick say?” Trixie rolled her eyes. “Typical stallion. I asked where you were from. You’re obviously an earth pony, and you’re practically as tall as Princess Celestia, but your clothes are really weird. It doesn’t look like anything I’ve seen before. Well, aside from Power Ponies Comics.” I had to think about that for a moment. Should I tell her I’m from another planet? Would she believe me? The answer to both of those was a resounding no. I just met this lad-er-Mare, no need to scare her off yet. “Me from far away. From place Trick no know about.” “Try Trixie. Trixie has been to Saddle Arabia and back.” “Ever hear of Pencil-Vania?” “Um… no?” “What bout United Estates of America?” “Nnnooo.” Trixie said hesitantly. “Then Trick no been there.” I told her. She could have been all over the globe and she wouldn’t have been able to get to it. The only ones who might are… “Only ponies that can help Bizarro am princesses… Me think?…” I told her, recalling some basic information from My Little Pony. While I wasn't an avid fan of that series, I did know some things, like how the Princesses were the most powerful, the main character was called Twilight, and she had a magic crown that Sunset Shimmer tried to steal. Other than that, all my information came from Equestria Girls. “Why is that?” Trixie asked. “Like Bizarro say, me am from far far away.” “Well, how did you end up in the Everfree then?” I thought that as long as I didn’t mention the fact I’m from another planet it should be safe to tell her. “Bizarro was at big party when me notice seller guy in corner of party. Me walk up to seller guy and buy nice necklace and shiny ring. After that, Bizarro sleep and wake up here.” If Trixie was drinking water, she probably would have spat it out. “You were drugged?!” She asked. I thought about that. Technically I wasn’t drugged, but I might as well have been. “Close. More magic than drug.” I told her. “What, like a sleep spell?! A spell like that can cause severe head trauma to the pony it was cast on! No wonder you were saying the opposite of what you wanted! Sleep magic is a very dangerous magic that is only practiced by the most skilled and professional unicorns in Equestria, if anypony unskilled in sleep magic tries to use it, the pony they used it on could die!” She exclaimed as she threw her hands up to the sky. “Is there anything else wrong with you besides your voice?” She asked slowly, as if I was a kicked kitten. “Me did have hurty head earlier, but Bizarro am fine now.” I reassured her. Damn, I didn’t want to give her a panic attack. “So now Trick know why Bizarro need princess help.” She nodded her head. “Trixie can certainly see why. If such a spell was used then it must be reported to the princesses. You know, The Great and Generous Trixie was planing on going to Las Pegasus after this next performance, but Trixie can change her plans and go to Canterlot instead. You can come with Trixie and be her assistant there before you see the princesses.” Trixie offered. She would actually do that for me? I didn’t know much about My Little Pony, almost all of my information came from watching Equestria Girls with Lily, but I did know that Trixie was NOT supposed to be this nice. I mean, I’m a complete stranger that shouted that I was going to attack her, and yet she’d change her plans to help me? It was… Wow, I don’t think anyone’s done something like that for me. “Thank Trick. You am very kind.” I told her, as I sniffed through one nostril. “Are you ok?” She asked. “Mhm." I nodded. "Just allergics. Me am fine.” I replied. Damn it, don’t cry because the cartoon character is being nice to you. You’re a man damnit! The rest of the trip remained silent as we made our way towards Ponyville.