“Holy fucking shit, it feels like years have gone by.”
Twilight looked up at The Emperor with a quizzical expression, “Huh? It’s only been a few minutes since you started talking.”
“Never mind that.”
“...”
“Ellipsis.”
“...”
“Anyway, that is what I’ve learned about the state of my Imperium so far over the last ten thousand years. I expect to be even more disappointed when my Custodian returns and explains more shit. For some inexplicable reason he seems to be incredibly knowledgeable about the stuff that goes on in the galaxy.”
Twilight grimaced and rubbed the back of one of her front legs with a tentative hoof, “Geez, just… What the bucking Tartarus is wrong with this galaxy? This place is kind of depressing...”
“I know right. That was my general reaction to the massive turd fest I learned about so far, only with much more anger and righteous swearing. Speaking of swearing, why are you saying buck like it’s some kind of swear word? Just be a normal fucking person and use fuck like the rest of civilized fucking society.”
“Eeeh,” Twilight drawled out with an uncommitted shrug. “Buck isn’t really a swear word in the conventional sense back in Equestria, it’s definition refers to the actual act of bucking. It’s just slang that uses the word in some inappropriate context, but even then it isn’t really all that bad. Most Equestrians don’t really swear and I sorta just picked it up over my time in Ponyville.”
“How sad. I feel sad for you. Also, that word ‘Equestria’ rings a bell in my empty and withered skull for some reason. It’s probably nothing.”
“Well, if you want to know a real swear word in Equestria… hehe,” Twilight giggled. She leaned towards Big E with a hoof over her mouth and whispered, “I’m not allowed to say it because the Princess would wash out my mouth with soap but since she’s not here and all…” Twilight paused for dramatic effect.
“Now you’ve gone and roused my curiosity, what’s this big terrible curse word? If I still had the ability to lean towards you in anticipation, I’d be doing so right now.”
Twilight shifted her eyes from side to side and whispered, “Sometimes Princess Celestia would write her letters to dignitaries and she doesn’t organize her quills by size, shape, worn down points, and color. It makes me pretty peeved sometimes.” Twilight gasped quietly and quickly moved her hooves to her mouth, giggling like a naughty schoolgirl in a classic porno.
The air in the throne room was awkwardly silent.
“I’m sorry I must have blanked out for a second and visited some alternate reality that left my mind in a perpetual state of disbelief and empty-eyed shock that one would only get when they see something fundamentally against their own set of beliefs and core values. Because that can’t possibly be the worst swear word you’ve ever said or heard. I don’t even think peeved counts as a swear word. What kind of fucking gumdrop, sprinkle covered, ice cream themed world did you live in?”
“Well, Discord hasn’t changed the landscape of Equestria to that extreme extent since he was freed for the first time, so I guess just a normal world?” Suddenly Twilight glared up at the spooky skeleton and jabbed a hoof at him, “And I’ll have you know that is a swear word! I still have the detention punishment lines I had to write the first time I said it framed and hung on my wall to remind myself never to say things like that again!” Twilight proudly lifted her head into the air as she said that, puffing out her chest in pride like some sort of animal that puffs out their chest to attract a mate and display appropriate social and reproductive hierarchy to establish sexual dominance within the population.
“Ellipsis.”
“Sure, you’re a special kind of person Twilight. Never forget that.”
“Thanks! I knew you were actually a super kind skeleton despite your abrasive personality!” Twilight smiled up at Emps, not a trace of sarcasm on her face.
“I will not dignify that with a response.”
The distant, joyful laughter of a proud man’s son echoed throughout the Imperial Palace cutting off further conversation, the revving of an engine and the screeching of tires could just barely be heard as the sounds drew ever closer to the throne room. The mangled cries of children being run over overshadowed by the fact nobody actually cared.
After a few more moments of awkward silence the manliest of Man-Emperors broke the awkward atmosphere, “Eh, fuck it, your world’s swear words don’t matter anyway. Now, you remember the plan I told you about before that conversation, right?”
“I do, but...” Twilight replied, rubbing a hoof to her chin, looking uncomfortable at the whole situation. “Should we really do this? It seems kind of mean spirited considering he’s your son and all...”
“Just trust me. Magnus is a big boy, he can take it just like how he can take ten thousand years of being Tzeentch’s personal fuck toy. Plus, you can’t deny that this will be funny as hell. Shit needs to liven up around here anyway.” Suddenly there was the sound of a revving engine getting closer and tires screeching to a halt just outside the door, “Ok shut up, here he comes, act natural.”
The doors to the throne room swung open and the red skinned Primarch waltzed through them looking relaxed and refreshed, “I must say father, that was the most fun I’ve had in millennia. I can see why Jaghatai loved going so-”
Magnus stopped short when he reached the foot of the throne as he finally noticed the very brightly colored and noticeable sight of Twilight Sparkle standing at the base of the Golden Throne. The red Daemon Prince blinked and pointed at Twilight, “Father, why is there a small and purple winged unicorn in the throne room? And how did it even get here?”
“I’m not sure what you’re talking about, my son. As far as I’m aware we are the only two people in this room… Besides my custodian.”
“Hello,” Kitten said, finally being acknowledged this chapter. I bet you forgot about him.
“My species are actually called alicorns, just so you know, my name’s Twilight Sparkle. And I’m also a mare, not an it, thank you very much,” Twilight replied, puffing out her chest with an indignant huff.
Magnus looked at his father, still pointing at Twilight, “You don’t see this? You don’t hear ANY of the things she’s saying?”
“Sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about. Perhaps spending all that time dicking around with the foul energies of the warp with no restraint and playing with daemons has knocked a few screws loose in your head.”
“First of all my sanity is perfectly fine barring a few… not very proud moments over the millennia.”
Magnus stood in a circular room filled with books, sitting at the head of a long table. The chairs at the other spots of the table each had a pile of books sitting on top of them. For a long moment Magnus said nothing at he sat quietly, a cup of tea floating in front of him with its matching pot sitting in the middle of the table.
“Mr. Bookington…” Magnus slowly growled out as he started shaking in rage. “MR... BOOKINGTON! YOU DARE CALL THIS MUD TEA?! FEEL MY RIGHTEOUS FURY! HURAAAAAH!”
A great gout of flame shot out of his outstretched hand, burning one of the piles of books seated on the chairs.
“THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO RESPECT SOMEONE OF MY POWER! I, MAGNUS, AM THE GREATEST PSYKER IN ALL THE GALAXY, NO, THE UNIVERSE!”
“But I am one hundred percent certain that that purple unicorn-pegasus is not a figment of my imagination,” Magnus insisted. Then he held up a hand, “And I’m going to prove it.”
“Wait, wha-,” Twilight started, then yelped as a ball of warp-fire blasted the floor where she had previously stood. A pop and a flash of purple signaled her reentry into real space a few meters away. “Are you insane?!” Twilight screamed, “You could have hurt somepony!” She was breathing hard thanks to the sudden adrenaline in her system.
“I shall not be swayed purple horse! Now sit still and-,” Magnus was interrupted by a glowing golden hand smacking him upside the head and several buckets appearing out of nowhere and dumping water everywhere, putting out the fires on the floor and the next fireball in his hand.
“No fireballs in the throne room, Magnus.” The Emperor chastised.
“And what about me?!” Sputtered Twilight, indignant that her near death by warp-fire was overlooked.
“And don’t kill Twilight either. She is the only other intelligent conversation on this planet.”
“What about me, my lord?” Kitten asked.
“The only other intelligent conversation with an actual personality on this planet.” The Emperor amended.
“Haha, only too true my lord!” Kitten cheerfully exclaimed.
“So you DO admit she exists!” Magnus exclaimed.
“Of course she exists, I have eyes, you know. Now apologize for trying to murder her.”
Magnus just grumbled to himself, sounding, to Twilight, suspiciously like ‘No, you don’t have any eyes’. He then sighed and turned to face Twilight, with a tone that suggested he was at the very least a little bit sorry he said, “I’m sorry for trying to kill you.”
“Apology accepted,” Twilight said, calming down from her near death experience. “And I’m sorry that I helped trick you, it was Mr Emperor’s idea and I thought it was kinda mean,” Twilight added, making sure to throw The Emperor under the bus.
“Yeah, I figured it was his idea,” Magnus said. “He can’t help but be a bit of an ass from time to time, like when he refused to do anything when my brother’s teased me about my book collection.”
“You were a grown ass man when that happened. I shouldn’t have to hold your hand whenever something mildly distasteful happens. You could have easily fixed that yourself but instead you locked yourself in your room with your books and moped.”
Twilight’s eyes sparkled, “You have a book collection? So do I! I used to live in a library until it was blown up by an evil centaur, I’m just glad I had several backup copies of my books hidden back in Canterlot just in case something happened to them.”
Magnus grinned, “I’ll have you know that my room is also a library, last time I checked I had several hundred thousand books lying around in there. Perhaps we can head there sometime and study, I could always use the company of someone that is capable of rational thought. A commodity that is sorely lacking in the Imperium right now.”
“Are you ignoring me?”
Twilight clipped her hooves together excitedly, “Ooh, sounds fun! My horn is already itching to write essays on everything in there!”
“Yes, yes. You two can make out on your own time. Just don’t do it in the throne room, I really don’t want to watch whatever this is.”
“That is not what is going on and you know it,” Magnus insisted, finally acknowledging his father. “Now, if you all don’t mind I’m going to reorganize my room. Can’t imagine it’s been kept in any sort of good shape over the millennia…”
“Ooh, mind if I help? One of my favorite days was reshelving day back home!” Twilight strained her neck to look up at Magnus, hope in her eyes.
“Well I don’t see why not! Let’s compare organizational systems while we do it!”
While the two walked off to do nerdy things Kitten spoke up, “I should attend to a few of my other duties, my lord. When I get back, how about I tell you something else about the galaxy?”
“Very well. I’ll just sit here and do nothing, then.”
“Great! I’ll be sure to be right back!” With that cheery tone Kitten marched out of the throne room to go do whatever his job actually entails.
.
.
.
.
“Fuck. This is boring.”