“Ugh, fuck, that still hurts…” James clenched his left side, glancing around. “You sure Celestia is somewhere around here?”
“Positive, Sir. Her signature has been detected nearby.”
“Great... Ruins of her old castle, in the middle of the Everfree forest... A lovely place to visit in the middle of the night.”
Then he saw her. Celestia was sitting about fifty meters away, near the old bridge, almost where John had been when he fell off – her eyes fixed onto the ruins. Her broken regalia were strewn all over the ground, the remains glistening in the silvery light of the moon.
“If she broke her stuff, she must be really pissed... APE, have you adapted the armor to counter that spell?”
“Negative, further research is required.”
“So, if she shoots us with full power, we’re gonna vaporize? I love the excitement...” He sighed. “Here comes nothing...”
He approached her slowly, but not quietly. He wanted to let her know something was coming – just in case she was in the mood to shoot first and ask questions later. But nothing of the sort happened. She didn’t budge, didn’t even look at him. Her blank stare remained fixed, glancing into the distance.
“H-hey. Look, um... I said some things I shouldn’t have.”
There was no reaction. Celestia was a statue.
“I was angry, and I said stuff I knew would hurt you and... now I feel like a fucking idiot... I’m sorry.”
He waited, and waited, and waited, but nothing. An awkward silence was the only answer.
“Ah, I see. You’re processing... I’m just gonna leave you alone, then—”
“Was it true?” She finally answered, just as he turned to leave. Her voice was emotionless and empty. “The part about the moon – was it true?”
“Look, um... I really don’t think you should—”
“Yes, or no?”
When she finally turned, James immediately regretted it. Her eyes were puffy and red, with smudged makeup all over her cheeks. The grotesque image of pain threw a noose around his throat, paralyzing it. For a moment he just kept gaping, unable to utter a sound. But the expression on his face was loud enough.
“I see...” Celestia fixed her eyes back to the ground again. “I wanted to ask her... From day one, I wanted to know how it was, but I never had the courage.”
“You could have asked me, instead.”
“H-how do you ask someone about the nightmare you sent him to? Is it even appropriate?”
“More appropriate than sending people to spy on your own sister, don’t you think?”
“I did it to protect her...” Celestia let out a remorseful sigh. “After she returned, nobility was not exactly fond of the idea of having another princess looking over their shoulders, and Luna’s antics were not helping matters, either. My ponies were to inform me of any suspicious activity happening around Luna, anything nobility could do to compromise her! It was all for her protection! I did what I had to!”
“There is always a reason, isn’t there? Just like with that little spell, you also did what you had to... Right?!”
“It was meant to be used only in case of an emergency...” Her words make him shook his head. “Do you think it is easy for me?! I hate doing this, but I do not have a choice!”
“You really believe that, don’t you? Maybe my coming here was a mistake after all.”
“You want to leave? Go, leave me! It is what always happens.”
“Maybe if you wouldn’t stab people in the back it would not? Ever thought of that?!”
“You just do not understand, do you? I do not have the luxury to trust others!” She yelled, shaking her head. “When something bad happens, I am the one expected to find a solution... Not you, not Twilight, Cadance or Luna, but ME. I am alone.”
“This is bullshit—”
“Is it? How do you think I managed to keep Equestria alive and well during the last thousand years? As soon as the news about lack of Elements of Harmony spread, the diplomacy became a nightmare. Creatures I called friends just a few months before, were suddenly threatening to invade our borders if I do not ‘compromise.’ And by that I mean: give them what they want. I quickly learned that when you are a ruler, you do not have the luxury to trust others. I thought you of all people would understand...”
“Oh, but I do! I don’t even have a problem with you shooting me!” She arched her eyebrow. “Well, OK, maybe I do a little, but after talking with Cheerilee, I can see how messy that situation might have looked from your perspective. But your motivation for that fucking spell? ’I had no choice’? ‘I’m alone’? This is bullshit!”
“You just do not understand—”
“No! You’re the one who doesn’t understand! That excuse might have worked in the past, but now? You have Luna, Twilight, and Cadance, not to mention Discord and me! I would hardly call that being alone—”
“Until things really go bad, and then it is ’Princess Celestia, what do we do?!’”
Squinted eyes and wrinkles on her forehead were screaming escalation. She didn’t know when to back down. Too bad neither did he.
“And I thought I was paranoid... Keep lying to yourself if you want, I’m done here,” she let out an unceremonious huff and jerked her head. He turned to leave but needed to throw in the last word. “I realize we’re not exactly friends, but I thought that we at least respect each other. I guess that’s one way only.”
Before he could take a step, chortling filled the air, but not the good kind. He turned to see her chuckling darkly. Almost like a bad guy using the cliché evil laughter.
“Respect?! You, of all people talking about respect?! The one that constantly uses my lewd past to mock me?! The nerve!”
“Your... what?” James cocked his head as his lips curled into a perfect ‘o.’
“Do not play dumb with me! Luna should have kept her mouth shut! But of course, she had to blab about it, and to YOU, of all people!”
“Look. I have no idea—”
“This is all in the past, do you hear me?! And no amount of stupid sex-jokes and innuendos is going to change that!”
James could feel the energy emanating from her body, like a wave of the sun itself. Her eyes were squinted and chilling, and her cheekbones curved, showing off her knife-like teeth. She wasn’t a pony, she was an ancient behemoth or some other mythological beast, ready to tear him apart. But he didn’t care, not anymore.
“OK, first of all, your Highness... Believe it or not, but Luna and I don’t spend time together to talk about You behind your back. I know it’s shocking, but you are not always the center of attention! And second. When you actually do come up, Luna is VERY defensive of your privacy... to my great annoyance, I might add. So, I have no goddamn idea about your ‘lewd’ past or anything!”
“Right... That is why you keep throwing stupid sex jokes, one-liners and innuendos at me! At least have the courage to admit it, you coward!”
“Missy, I was throwing those at people before you were born!” She arched her eyebrow again. “Um… OK, maybe not that far, but I was using them before I even came here!”
“Ah, so it is just a big coincidence? Right.”
James rolled his eyes. “Sometimes you’re an idiotic bitch, you know? Recall when Dash was apologizing to John for turning him into a lightning rod! Recall how John called me!”
“’Cheesy’?” She let out a chuckle and smirked. “For once a nickname that suits you!”
“Right... Now think about it, for a moment... If your theory is correct, then how did I get that lovely nickname?” Her smile disappeared, replaced with a hint of confusion. “Well, miss... Sunbutt?”
Celestia let out an audible gulp, but didn’t react, not even to James using her lovely nickname. Her eyes kept darting from left to right, looking for some way to solve the puzzle. But there was none.
“See? The only thing Luna ever told me was about your funny nicknames from the past – nothing more. The only thing she’s guilty of is being worried about you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m really not at liberty to discuss it. But I will tell you that she deserves a hell of a lot more trust than you give her…” He shook his head. “I told you what I wanted to tell you... and more. I think we’re done here.”
“Wait! Please…” Her voice changed. The bravado that filled it just a moment ago was gone, turning into something insecure instead. “What do you know about what happened between the two of us a thousand years ago?”
“Same as everybody else, I guess? Luna was feeling ignored, she went berserk and got a one-way ticket to the dead rock.”
“That is all?”
“Well, isn’t that the story?” A long, awkward silence was the answer. “Celestia?”
Just like that, the beast turned back into an alicorn, gaping onto the ground with depressed eyes and expression of guilt on her face.
“I don’t get it? Is there more to that story?”
“Let us just say that the... official version is ‘a story,’ but not ‘the story,’” She glanced up, her eyes were glassy again. “Would you like to hear the full version?”
A moment ago he was ready to leave, but that changed everything. He would be lying if he said it didn’t get him intrigued. What the hell could she be hiding? He nodded in silence, and they both sat down on a nearby fallen tree. Then Celestia became a narrator…
***
“After we defeated Discord, for the first time, Equestria was recognized as power by other nations. Even though Discord’s rule left us in shambles, the nobility had sensed the opportunity the Elements of Harmony had brought us, to consolidate our position. From the start, Luna had told me it was a bad idea, that we should concentrate our efforts on rebuilding what Discord destroyed instead. But the nobility persuaded me otherwise.
“At that point, I have become the icon everyone knows. I was the alicorn that moves the sun, the ‘benevolent’ ruler, and someone who can even defeat the Lord of Chaos himself. And with the Elements of Harmony on my side, suddenly, doing ‘diplomacy’ became very easy. All that power and popularity just... went to my head. It was the beginning of my downfall.”
“Downfall?”
“Yes... You see, Luna was working day and night to rebuild Equestria, to make sure ponies had enough food and water, while I was going from one party to another, doing ‘diplomacy.’ And by that I mean... eating, drinking, and...”
“And what?” She bit on her lip and glanced away. “Oh, that must be the ‘lewd’ part, huh? What did you do? Some good old ‘diplomacy through the bed,’ with someone?”
“If by ‘diplomacy through bed’ you mean… regular orgies, including delegates, my guards and their guards? Then yes.”
Once again, James’ lips curled into an ‘o,’ this time followed by one of eyebrow arching. He shot her a glance and kept on gaping in silence. She was definitely pulling his leg... This had to be a joke.
“No, I am not joking, nor am I making this up,” she shook her head and glanced away. “The truth is, Luna was the one really running the country, while I was a drunk wench, traveling from one party to another, sleeping with everyone and everything I could lay my eyes on. The worst part was that I was still getting all the... praise... Are you listening?”
He was trying to, but his mind was on an acid trip, producing a hundred different images of the ‘old’ Celestia per second.
“Um… I’m sorry. Just trying to process the information...” James said with a sheepish smile and scratched his head. “Why were you getting all the praise?”
“Nobility... They thought that the ‘Lightbringer would give ponies hope!’ That was the excuse anyway. In reality? They just hated Luna because unlike me, she was not their puppet.”
“So, in the past nobility was hating Luna too... Why am I not surprised. Old habits die hard, I see.”
“She was not their favorite, no. But... the truth is it was my fault too. I... I loved it, all of it. The admiration, the parades in my honor, the endless parties. I was like an addict, running on praise, cake, and sex.”
“This is... If you’re not making that up then... fuck me! It’s as if Molestia was real.”
“How do you think that nickname came into being?” His empty stare was the answer. “I did so many things I regret. In the end, it cost me almost everything.”
“So what really happened? Between Luna and you, I mean?”
“Nobility called off the ‘Week of The Moon’ – a festival in Luna’s honor, the only holiday when for once, ponies would praise her. They said it was because the treasury was empty, but it was an excuse.”
“And you didn’t stop them?”
“Actually, I...” She bit her lip and glanced away in shame. “I signed the decree myself.”
“You... what?!”
“I was drunk! They just gave me a stack of papers and I signed them without reading...”
James’ expression was a volatile mixture of disbelief and rage. She had expected a jab to the muzzle, but it never came. He just kept staring. His giant eyes were like a dagger, cutting her deeper with each passing second. She would have preferred a punch.
“When Luna found out, something broke inside of her. She locked herself in her room for a few days and... The rest of the story goes, according to the history books.”
“So, to summarize... Luna was working her ass off day and night, getting nothing but crap for it, while her big sister was having fun and screwing around... And when the time to get out of this shit for a while came up, she learned that you had canceled it?” James’ dark chuckle only intensified Celestia’s pain. “Fuck me... I see you have a lot of experience stabbing people in the back. How many more have suffered for your mistakes?!”
“Too many...” She lowered her head and sighed. The confession was not over. “Do you remember how I told Twilight that after banishing Luna, I could not sleep and ended up in the mental hospital? Doctors did their best, but I was slipping, further and further away. But there was a single young pegasus – doctor Marbles, that did not give up. When everything failed, he came with an unorthodox idea... He told me it was all my fault.”
“Unorthodox? Seems like a simple truth to me.”
“I know that now, but back then, after the initial shock wore off, I went from blaming myself to a complete denial. I began blaming Luna for everything.”
“This is getting better and better... So what happened when he told you, you were the one who fucked up?”
“From what I gathered, he had believed that it would be the shock to my system, and by accepting it, it would allow me to start on the road to the recovery. He was not wrong, not entirely. It was a shock, but... it did not do what he thought it would. Instead...”
She closed her eyes shut. The thousand years old memory felt so fresh and real. She could see her sitting in the Marbles’ office, see his diplomas hanging on the wall and pictures of his wife and two fillies on his desk. The damp aroma of the Everfree turned into a pleasant smell of cinnamon and coffee. A place of comfort. But what he had told her, was anything but comfortable.
“What did you say?!” Celestia’s wide eyes shot him a glance that could melt stone.
“You heard me correctly, Celestia – you are guilty. I know it’s hard to face it—”
“No! It was not my fault! Luna could have... tried talking with me!”
“When exactly? When you were recovering from a hangover, or having another wild party?” Marbles’ said, readjusting his glasses. His voice was stoic and professional. “We both know that’s an excuse. Your sister is the victim here, not you.”
“She turned against me! She betrayed me!”
“How so? You told me yourself – you were the one neglecting your duties, you were the one having parties, you were the one living a good life while she was working hard in the back.”
“I was... manipulated! That is why I said those words!” She yelled, gritting her teeth. Her burning gaze trying to tear him apart.
Marbles nodded in silence, letting her cherish the thought of victory for a moment. For his technique to work, he needed her to drop her guard, and getting her angry was the simplest way to do it. He glanced one more time at the magic suppressor at the base of her horn, making sure it’s in place, and began.
“Pathetic...” Marbles said, shaking his head. His stoic expression turned into disgust, and his voice was full of contempt. The combination hit the spot just as he thought it would.
“W-what?!”
“Your excuses are pathetic, that’s what.”
“I’m warning you! Watch your mouth—”
“Or what… you coward?!”
His interjection was like a punch to the face, designed to knock her out of her game. It worked, turning some of Celestia’s anger to confusion, and stopping her tirade.
“B-be quiet!” Was the only response she could muster, her bravado swallowed by the sea of confusion and the pain coming from the heating up magic blocker. “I order you to be quiet!”
“No. Someone has to tell you the truth, and here it is... You were the one who betrayed your sister—”
“Shut up!”
“You betrayed her, you forced her hoof, and now you don’t want to face it—”
“Shut up!” She yelled again, frantically shaking her head. “Just... Shut up!”
“Face it, Celestia! You’re a coward!”
She let out a growl, and her shivering hooves covered her entire head. The air around her changed into a cloud of something pungent, turning each gasp into a painful chore. His words were meant to be like a shock from a defibrillator, to restart her senses, and for a moment, it seemed to be working.
“I know it’s harsh, I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, but you can change all that. The sooner you understand it and face it, the sooner you will regain control and respect of... "
Marbles’ suddenly stopped, feeling a wave of heat radiating from Celestia. She remained hidden behind a guard, but her sticking out horn lightened up like a piece of hot steel.
“Celestia, stop! Before you hurt yourself!”
She didn’t stop, but instead dropped her guard, revealing a figure trembling from the agony, with a wicked smile on her face. This wasn’t the broken pony Marbles’ had expected, but a twisted person, ready to tear him apart. Then, the magic suppressor turned to liquid gold and hit the floor.
Celestia’s mad eyes locked onto him, and her smile turned into a grin, sending a shiver up his spine. He realized he made a mistake and jumped towards the door, but it was too late. Before he knew it, he was splattered on the wall.
“Oh, trying to run?” She walked up to him and let out a dark chuckle. “Who is a pathetic coward now, doctor?”
“Celestia, p-please calm down...”
“Oh, I intend to, but first, I need to teach you a little lesson...” Her grin turned savage. “It may hurt a bit, but as they say, ‘no pain, no gain...’”
“W-what are you... Argh!”
“You killed him?” James said.
“That is an understatement... I barricaded the door and... tortured him for hours...” Celestia shook her head. “This is one memory I would really want to forget, but it is still so vivid after all these years. I can remember everything, every single detail. His scream as I broke every bone in his body... His pleas to stop as I tore off his wings... In the end, he begged me to just finish it. Not that it stopped there...”
“There’s more?”
“Even after he let out a ghost, nopony was stupid enough to try to force me out. So I stayed locked in the office for days... along with his rotting carcass. I only gave up his body after his widow came and begged me for hours... And, once she saw him, or rather, what was left of him, she…”
“I think I get the picture. So, what happened next?”
“I completely lost it after that. It is a jumble of images, but I basically did not leave his office, and nopony dared to try to force me out. I stayed locked in there for days. We are talking about 4x4 meters wide room, smudged with blood and viscera and without a toilet. So, you can imagine... Or maybe it is better if you do not.”
“Too late...” James’ face crumpled up in disgust.
“Sorry... Anyway, after a few days, I was lying on what was left of the bed, when the door suddenly burst open. I was expecting an army of hulking orderlies with an anti-magic straitjacket, but instead... a janitor’s cart rolled inside...”
“Would you kindly move your fat flank off the bed so I can clean this pigsty?” Before Celestia could say anything, a mop hit the floor, going from left to right.
“Who are you?”
“Name’s Keen Sweeper, I came here to clean the mess you did. So kindly move your big ass out of the way.”
Celestia couldn’t believe her ears. Some low-life just barged inside and order her to move her flank. The fire inside of her rekindled in a blink of an eye, filling her face with a wicked smile.
“How dare you! Do you know who I am?”
“Judging by the smell and the looks, a pig rolling in her own shite!”
“W-what?!” Her horn lightened up. “I am warning you, watch your mouth or I—”
“Holy hell...” Keen Sweeper’s head jerked to the side, and his hoof covered his nose. “Where was the last time you brushed your teeth?”
His question turned her anger into embarrassment that filled her cheeks. She covered her face behind her wing and exhaled involuntarily. It must have been a lie. He just wanted to get her angry, to lower her guard! That’s what she told herself, but that fairy tale ended abruptly when the rotten-egg like smell went from her mouth to her nostrils, almost making her puke.
“I don’t know what smells worse, the room, or you.”
“I... I am warning you! Leave, or I—”
“What? You’re gonna shoot me with your darn magic? Hrmph! You wanna impress me? Use some of that mumbo-jumbo to clean your filthy flank! You look like a pig and stink even worse! Or at least move out of the way, so I can clean the room!”
She said nothing. His unceremonious interruption caught her off guard. Some bum was talking back to her as if she were an ordinary pony. That wasn’t something she was used to dealing with. But the stench in the room was really unbearable.
“Fine, clean it,” Celestia finally said with a hint of irritation. “Just do it fast!”
He nodded and began mopping immediately. That she expected, what she didn’t, was the happy tune he was whistling as he did it. He was cleaning off blood and more nasty stuff, and he acted calmly... coolly, as it was every day’s job.
“That weather is really getting to you, isn’t it?”
“What?”
“The rain, I mean. I can always feel the middle of the crop season in my old bones.”
“It does not bother me.”
“Lucky girl.”
“Girl?” Celestia’s eyebrow curled from confusion. “I am two hundred years old, Mister.”
“Really?” He scanned her from top to bottom. “Hrmph... I would say you look no older than a hundred and fifty to me.”
She arched her eyebrow, ready to explode, but realized he let out a gentle chuckle. Maybe it was the giggle, or perhaps the wink that followed it, but she smiled and chuckled herself. For the first time since the banishment of Luna, it was a genuine feeling of satisfaction, she subconsciously longed for. But her paranoia quickly struck back, turning it into a sense of suspicion.
“Is that your plan? To make me soft, so I lower my guard?!”
“Missy—”
“Do not call me that! You shall address me as Princess Celestia!”
“Um… No.”
“What did you say?” Her eyes locked onto him with a frown. “I am a Princess!”
“No, Missy. In here, you’re a patient like everypony else, not royalty. Unless we count you being a royal pain in everybody’s ass, that is...” He rolled his eyes. “Look, I came here because this room stinks to high heavens. Can I get back to cleaning it, please?”
Celestia huffed and turned her head.
“Thank you...” He began mopping again. “You really need to drop this paranoia, you know. It’s not healthy.”
“Oh, you are a doctor now too?”
“Nope, I’m not... then again, I’m not the one who locked himself inside a room with a rotting corpse, am I?” There was no answer. “A pony with half a brain could see you’re not well.”
“I am fine, thank you!” A lie. His arching eyebrow told her he didn’t buy it, but it did shut him up. As he mopped, she walked to the window just in time to see the sun going higher. “Who... who is moving the sun?”
“That thing? Um… I think they’re asking for unicorn volunteers…”
She waited for it. She expected him to say how Equestria needs her, how it’s her sacred duty to move the sun, how she should just do everyone a favor and start acting her age. She waited for it, but the words never came. He just kept mopping and whistling again. Maybe it was the smell of cleaning solvents, or perhaps the conversation, but her senses began coming back to her, and for the first time in days, she took a good look at herself.
Her coat was tangled and sticky, and the odor was unbearable. She looked like a diamond dog after a month underground and smelled even worse. It was bad, but what really started turning her stomach, were the bloody smudges on the floor. Each one like a stain on her conscience that no amount of solvents would ever wipe away.
“I... did not want this to happen…” Celestia’s voice was almost like a whisper.
“You mean your sister or the poor Marbles?”
“Both... I do not understand how it happened.”
“You messed up, that’s how.”
“I would watch it if I were you... Doctor Marbles said the same thing, and...” She let out a sigh. “You know how it turned out...”
“Well, unlike him, I have a big mop, and I’m not afraid to use it,” his chuckle made her eyebrow arch.
“How can you be so calm about this?”
“I’ve been working in this place for thirty-two years. Let’s just say that those things happen from time to time. Although I must admit, they’re usually not so... gruesome.”
She lowered her head and fixed her eyes onto the floor. A silent scream of guilt.
“Feeling bad, huh? You should. That means, there’s still hope for you... Which is more than I can say for this mop. Darn blood...”
Hope? She was a murderous alicorn that had driven her own sister to madness and sent her to the dead rock. Hope wasn’t in her vocabulary at the moment.
“Could you help me out here?” Keen Sweper’s voice came out of nowhere, waking her up from her daydream.
“With what?” Celestia cocked her head only to see him, pointing at the largest blood spot on the floor, and the second mop. “You are joking!”
“Not really, blood is not easy to wipe away, you know. But if we work together—”
“No, I cannot!” Her head began frantically jumping from left to right. “Even looking at those stains brings back the memories of that day. You do not understand what I did to him!”
“I kind of do. Marbles’ screams were loud enough to wake the dead.”
Celestia took a step back, shaking her head in silence. During the past few days, her crazed state was a barrier, guarding her against her conscience and ironically keeping her from completely losing it. Their little chat cracked the barricade, and bad memories were quickly rushing inside.
“G-get out! Leave me!”
“This again? Look, I—”
“I am warning you! L-leave at once!”
Her lightened up horn was sparkling with power and screaming for him to leave, but her trembling lip and shaking body were telling a different story.
“You don’t really want me to go. You want someone to help you.”
“No, I do not!”
“Really? Then answer me this, and I’ll leave: with that fancy magic of yours, you could have just teleported out of here days ago. Yet, you stayed... Why?”
Her eyes began darting from left to right, trying to solve the riddle. Why did she stay? A simple question she had no answer to.
“I think you stayed because you wanted to punish yourself for what you did to your sister and poor Marbles.” She kept quiet, but her glassy eyes were a dead giveaway. “Missy... Celestia. Marbles’ is dead, and you can’t change that. But if you don’t start cleaning this mess right now, you’ll end up rotting in here forever. I’ve seen it happen, many times.”
“Maybe I deserve this...” Some tears of anguish escaped her eyes. “Have you ever thought of that?”
“Everybody makes mistakes—”
“This was not some mistake. It is not as if I spilled someone’s coffee. What I did...”
“Was awful and gruesome, I know. But if you’re in this wing of the hospital, then it wasn’t you, not entirely anyway. I know it’s little comfort, but it’s true.”
Her magic died down, and her hollow eyes fixed themselves onto the bloody stains on the floor. He was right, deep inside she wanted help, hoping someone would pull her out of this hell. But at the same time, the macabre abstract expressionism work of art, formed by the blood and viscera was screaming she didn’t deserve help.
She let out a sigh. “Even if I would want to fix it, I would not know where to begin...”
“I’m not saying you can do it overnight, frankly, after thirty-two years, I can tell you it’ll take time. I could try to help you if you’d like.”
“Why? You do not even know me.”
“Seriously? Wanting to just help someone is not good enough reason?” Keen Sweeper let out a chuckle and smiled. “You politicians are weird. Look, I’m not a doctor, but if you need someone to talk to...”
“Y-you would really do that, for me? Like a… friend?”
“On two conditions... One, you take a bath – seriously, you really stink.”
A comment that would make her mad, just a few minutes before, this time make her smile. The sense of smell was one thing she would prefer not to have at the moment. Her stench could force dead out of the grave.
“Yes... a bath would be nice. And the second condition?”
Keen Sweeper cocked his head, motioning at the second mop once again. Her smile faded.
“I know you don’t want to do this... I mean, that big royal flank of yours is probably above all that peasant labor...” She countered his smirk with an angry, pouty face. “But I could really use some help. And I think it will help you too.”
She paused again, but his smile was like a beacon of hope. It quickly erased all her doubts, pouring some much-needed faith in her heart. A faith for change.
“Let us do this...” Celestia grabbed the other mop with her magic. “But first, tell me. Who are you, really?”
“I already told you – a janitor.”
“Nothing more?”
“Nope, just a simple pony who says what he thinks,” his words put a gentle smile on her face. “Not something you use to deal with, huh?”
“As a matter of fact, I am not, not really. Ponies I deal with would not say the things you said. Maybe that was the problem, maybe all I needed was a breath of fresh air, so to speak?”
“Glad to help, but... speaking of fresh – are we gonna clean this mess or not?”
“Lead the way...”
“So, he was the friend you talked about, earlier?” James said, tapping his chin.
“Yes, he was. That night, we cleaned up the office, and he got me back to my room. He even helped me convince the doctors to restart my therapy. If it were not for him, I would be rotting in that asylum forever.”
“OK, it’s an interesting story, but... I’m not sure why you told it to me? If you expect some sympathy, then don’t count on it.”
“I do not expect sympathy. I told it to you because... I need an unbiased, straightforward opinion.”
“From me?” James said, and grinned. “You, of all people, would ask little me for an opinion? Why? You run out of advisors?”
“No, I did not. Frankly, you are often a rude, inconsiderate person that thinks that acting like an idiot and throwing sex jokes is the latest trend.”
James arched his eyebrow. “I really hope there’s a ‘but’ coming...”
“But, you are also one of a few creatures I know that really say what they think. Just like Keen Sweeper, was. And I need a blunt opinion right now. Can I count on you, or not?”
The depressed stare that followed the question turned it into a plea. The misery coming from her eyes was making James feel bad... again. A secret weapon that almost always worked. He hated her for it but nodded in agreement.
“Ever since Keen Sweeper pulled me out of that rabbit hole, I swore I would make things right. I swore I would never make the same mistakes again. For a long time, I thought I was doing what was necessary and that it was all justified. But now... I feel like I am doing it all over again...”
“Doing what, all over again?”
“Things that others may have to pay for...” Her glassy eyes locked onto the ground, and her head began going from left to right. “Luna already paid for my actions once, so did doctor Marbles. Has my pride blinded me again? I need to know...”
Looking at the shaky figure, James knew where this was going. If this had happened just a few minutes ago, he would probably enjoy pricking her with the metaphoric needle, but now, he was looking for a way to soften the blow. He couldn’t find any...
“OK, you asked for it…” He inhaled feverishly and began dropping bombs. “Yeah, I think your pride blinded you. And yes, Luna, me and probably others are paying the price, or will have to pay it in the future.”
The silence was the only response. Celestia just kept gaping to the ground like a statue, but the eerie tranquility was louder than a wail. He told her what she wanted to hear, it was the truth. But that didn’t stop him from feeling a little guilty.
“I cannot let this happen,” she finally said, her voice silent as a whisper. “Not again...”
“Then don’t...” James let out a sigh, shaking his head. “Look, I can understand what you did to me, even if it feels like a stab in the back. But Luna? Sending ponies after her? That one is beyond me!”
“I did it to protect her, I swear!”
“Even if this is true, she didn’t take it that way. She felt as if you don’t trust her. And what about the real story behind Nightmare Moon, huh? The way you described it, she was the one running entire Equestria, and it was a combination of stress and disrespect that drove her into madness. Pretty far off from the official version, don’t you think?! I don’t even want to think about how she feels about that... So yeah! You keep doing things like that, and you’re gonna lose her, and others!”
His last yell forced her eyes shut, but it didn’t stop the tears from pushing themselves through. And once it started, it quickly went from bad to worse, drowning her cheeks. The water coming from her eyes quickly put out the flames of his anger, turning them into remorse. He wasn’t sure if he went too far or not until she spoke again.
“H-help me...” She looked up with her puffy eyes and trembling lips. “Help me make this right.”
“Me?” James’ said, arching an eyebrow in confusion. “Celestia, I don’t think—”
A hoof around his neck stopped him dead, frozen, and gaping. “For the love of Equestria, I beg you! Help me fix this before it’s too late!”
When he came there to apologize, he expected yelling, name-calling even another magic blast. Getting a tearful hug wasn’t high on the list... if at all. He wasn’t prepared for this, and the dumbfounded expression was the proof.
One part of him wanted to push her away and to tell her to go to hell, but another wanted to return the embrace and tell her everything will be OK. Yes, she had fucked up, but when it came to that, James was a goddamn master. He made up his mind.
“Goddamn it. You’re such a manipulating bitch sometimes, you know?” With a deep sigh, he gently returned the embrace, getting a bit mushy himself. He couldn’t say no, even if he wanted to. “I don’t know how much I can do, but I guess I can try.”
“T-thank you...” She said and glanced at his wound. “I am so sorry. I really hoped to never use that spell.”
“Seeing a drunk guy armed to the teeth, holding a pony hostage didn’t exactly help matters, did it? I guess we both fucked up. But tell me one thing, did Twilight knew about this spell?”
“No, and I would appreciate—”
“You’re gonna tell her,” Celestia glanced up, her stare like a plea. But James just shook his head. “You want my help, you must tell her about the spell, and about your fears of ruling alone, and of course, admit to Luna about those damn spies. Those are my conditions.”
“All right. And, what about my... past?”
“I doubt your ponies would believe you were a murderous... um...” He paused, looking for words, but she was faster.
“Slut?”
“I was going to say ‘sex machine,’ more politically correct, you know.” He smiled, and to his surprise, she smiled as well, even let out a quiet chuckle. “Seriously, though – you’re not pulling my leg here? Those orgies were real?”
“Yes, they were,” she said, but James’ face was telling her he wasn’t convinced. “What? You want the details?”
“Well, I certainly wouldn’t mind hearing about the techniques used back then,” his face brightened up. “You know… double stuffing, sandwiches, spit roasts – stuff like that.”
“Oh, you mean that positions for beginners?” Her smirk erased his smile.
“If that’s for beginners, then what the hell did you do?”
“Hmm, let us just say that if you were to pick up a most hardcore pulp erotica fiction from the library, I probably did everything from that book... and then some.”
“Fuck me... So, that little dream with your horn up my... backdoor, wasn’t exactly a fluke, huh?”
She let out a sigh. “What do you want me to say? Unlike what my ponies think, I am just a mare, with my own goals, dreams and—”
“Fetishes?” For the first time, there was no denial. “Interesting...”
“But I know where the line is drawn. And my past is called past for a reason.”
“See, that’s one thing you could learn from Luna – you don’t have to jump from being a… sex machine to the virgin Mary, you know. Balance is the key. You have to stop isolating yourself from others.”
“I am not.”
“Yes, you are, and Luna’s worried for you. Don’t get it the wrong way, but... after seeing us talking a few times, she kind of asked me if I could try to become your friend. I guess it didn’t really work out.”
She broke the embrace and sat up. When James thought it was all going well, her eyes locked onto him with a piercing gaze. But it transformed into a silly smirk.
“You are such an idiot...” Celestia shook her head and chuckled. “What makes you think we are not friends?”
“W-we are?”
Her smile faded. He wasn’t pulling her leg, he really was asking the question for real.
“You really are not joking?” He bit her lip and shrugged. “Good heavens... Mister, if we were not friends, then your nasty comments would get you a nice cell in Canterlot’s dungeon a long time ago.”
“Hey, I’m not really good at this friendship stuff, OK? And after you shot me, I thought... you tolerate me, at most.”
“You have some nasty habits, true, but all in all, since you say what you think – being around you is refreshing. You have no idea how hard it is for me to find someone who would treat me as an ordinary pony.”
“Huh... So, you’re not angry that Luna asked me to befriend you?”
“No. Especially, since she asked me exactly the same thing.”
“Huh, interesting… Maybe you should inform Cadance that someone else is trying to do her job.”
Celestia smiled. “First thing in the morning.”
“Well, I would like to see her reaction to—”
A buzzing sound went out of James’ arm then, filling the air around them. His smile faded to nothing. He glanced to the ground with a look of defeat on his face.
“What is it?” Celestia said but got no answer. “James?”
“John is dead.”