Leather-Winged Oddity

by Deyeaz

XI - Bars of Iron and Fellow Jailbreakers

The rules and fundamentals of life aren’t set as cold and hard as prison bars. They are like quicksilver. They bend, they blur... and more often than not, they break.

Only tragic events that would scar the brain and rip the heart transpire when the latter takes place.

When such a thing occurs, some choose to pick up the pieces and move on. Others? They choose to simply remain in the past, mourning what was lost.

I don't like to perform the latter, though. Usually, I choose to proceed with this life, and accept the outcomes and results I receive as I move on. However, nagging thoughts enter my head and won’t leave. Will my brother be alright? What about my friends, and my teachers?

That... fountain... it practically ripped me apart, molecule by molecule. Regardless, that was when I drank it. Now?

I feel... wonderful.

Literally, I feel like I can take on the world. I feel a tad stronger, with a quick reflexive mind just ready to erupt with knowledge.

But that vision... that vision of the future... I don’t think it will happen, and I only say this because I am rather mersed in chaos theory, so my actions now may not cause that clairvoyant repercussion. I don’t know who those others were, but I think I may meet them in the long run. But if it’s actually powerful deities that crammed this prediction into my mind... why not? Hell, anything is possible.

But after thinking that my stay here in the Urukai village is being overstayed, my next decision is adamant, like an unyielding wall in the path of a battering ram.

It is time to leave.

I go to Akio’s and Kaileena’s hut to grab my backpack before I leave the Urukai village. Some of the villagers said their goodbyes to me as I made my way through the village.

“So... you’re leaving, huh?”

I whip around to see Kaileena in the darkest corner of the room. I panic, especially because I never saw her. Holy shit, she’s good at camouflage... she ought to be part of Spec Ops if she ever gets a chance to visit.

I nod sorrowfully. The cat-woman, or Bast, the name of the species that I have acquired because of the vision, has a sad look in her eyes as she wrings her hands, like she is regretting something.

“Well... I hope to see you soon, Damien... you were a good friend.” She smiles sadly, and hugs me as tightly, yet as gently as possible. I don’t bother letting go: I hold onto her for the life of me. The smell of nature is laced in her fur, which is as smooth as silk.

She pulls away, and looks up and down my face. “And.., Y’know something?” She asks as she painfully slowly leans in closer and closer. “Despite the flesh... you’re actually rather cute....”

“Erm... thank ya?” I say nervously. She closes her eyes and slightly parts her lips as she gets even more incredibly close, until I...

“Get a room, you two!”

...Get saved by the bell.

Me and the Bast turn to face the one who had spoken. Akio is leaning against the threshold of the doorway, arms crossed and a stupid smile on his face. Kaileena and I jump back in surprise at his quiet entry.

“Dad... you have the worst timing ever....” The daughter facepalms at her father's entry.

“Well, excuuuuuuuse me, princess.” I do a double take at Akio’s snide remark. Perhaps it's just a coincidence... right? “At least I don’t go around kissing random boys.”

“...Good point,” I comment. This is rewarded with a punch in the belly from Kaileena. "Ow! Dammit!"

“And besides, you make it seem like you’re not going with him!” Akio exclaims, a smirk on his face. I blink a few times... wait, so that means Kaileena is coming with me?

Ugh... I might need a drink from the massive confusion, irritation, and frustration I’m feeling. Plus, I haven’t had actual liquor in a while....

What? What do you mean there’s no alcohol in Equestria? Hey, who’s the college student here?

…

Yeah, exactly, so shut the fuck up. I don’t give a shit how many fanfictions you’ve read, they’re all wrong. Every single one of them.

Now, onto the matter of getting me some sauce.

I would go to Canterlot for a drink. However, I’m pretty sure all those hoity-toity civilians wouldn’t sell any to me. Plus, I don’t even think Canterlot even has alcohol.

I’d also suggest Ponyville. But the only thing that they serve that’s considered as alcohol to them is hard apple cider, and that isn’t what I want.

I crave vodka. Lots of vodka.

And I think I know one place where that kind of alcoholic firepower resides....

...

Stalliongrad.

Me and Kaileena say our final farewell to the Urukai. Akio, being the culinary badass that he is, makes more food for me and my new travel companion to share. Good thing, too, because the rations that Nut provided me with are now spoiled and have gone bad.

It had taken us about four or five hours of nonstop travel to actually reach the massive city of Stalliongrad. I would have mistaken it for a city straight from Earth due to its monolithic size, yet it is crafted entirely of wood and stone rather than the industrial steel of mankind. What blows me away is that the entire metropolis is built on an island in the middle of an enormous lake with rivers branching off of it. Most of the shoreline is level with the water, but in a few places it rose into steep cliffs. I can see the tiny figures of possibly colossal mansions situating in these areas. The only entrance, for those who couldn’t fly, is a series of bridges connecting the urban sprawl with the mainland.

I spot a few guards patrolling the bridges like the wooden paths are toll bridges. Ponies are usually constituted as racists: trust me, I spent some time with Ginger Snap to figure that out. So if a pony wanted to access Stalliongrad, the toll would be fair. But that won’t be the case for anyone other than a pony, like a griffin, or a Diamond Dog...

Or me.

...

Thank God for wings.

I sigh in exhaustion, using Ellipsis as a crutch to help stabilize my posture. “Grab hold of me,” I tell Kaileena. She, in response, jumps on my torso and grabs her legs, arms, and tail around me to get a stable grasp on me. I sigh again, this time in irritation, as I beat my slightly exhausted wings and take to the skies again, making sure to fly out of eyeshot from the guards.

We land in the middle of the city, in a dark alley to avoid being spotted by pedestrians. Stalliongrad isn’t simply a pony-based city. Instead, there’s a mixing pot of other species, like Diamond Dogs and griffins.

Yet, how will they feel about a Devil Imp and a Bast?

“Alright, Kaileena, here’s the skinny,” I tell her as she gets off of me, “stick with me. Stalliongrad is a massive place, but these ponies might do something that’ll get you in trouble... so try not to make eye contact with them.” I grasp her hand and exit the alley, trying to find an alcohol vendor.

“I can’t believe you brought me here just so you can get wasted, you godsdamned alcoholic...” she mutters.

“Screw you, I’m not an alcoholic: they go t’ meetings. I’m a drunk, I go t’ parties,” I quietly admonish playfully.

“Well then, why didn’t we go to Canterlot? The Grand Galloping Gala is tonight,” Kaileena says as she reads a news clipping she spotted on the ground.

“Urgh....” I shiver in disgust. “Ya mean put up with snooty-ass ponies, fancy food, etiquette, and classy wine? Hell no. I’d rather get heavily blitzed in a place where I can break things, and not only not pay for it, but also get rewarded for it with more skull-fucking booze. Speaking of the matter, let’s find some.”

The whole populace fires glances at me and Kaileena every now and then, yet we pay them no mind. Everywhere I turn, each stall is devoid of the illustrious liquor...

...until my nose picks up the smell of something wonderful.

“Booze. Two o’clock.” I turn to see a small hole-in-the-wall pub labeled Buccaneers’ Brew. I start smiling idiotically as I walk up to the place, ready to get my hands on a bottle of vodka.

“Please tell me we're not going in that trashy place,” Kaileena deadpans.

“Oh-ho-hoooo, yes, we are,” I say ecstatically.

“Halt!”

I stop in my tracks at the voice. Surprise overcomes me, then anger.

Who dares to put a halt on my crunk Crusades?

I turn to my left to see a sextet of guards making their way towards me. Half of them are Unicorns, and half of them are Pegasi. Each guard has a spear in their curled forearms as they advanced.

“What are you doing?” I ask them frustratedly, my grip on Ellipsis tightening by the second. “Why did you interrupt me booze-loving?”

“You won’t need alcohol where you’re going,” The guard who spoke earlier says coldly.

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Kaileena demands.

“It means that you two are under arrest.”

“WHAT?!” We both exclaim.

“What for?!” I ask.

“One: not paying the toll to get into the city.”

“How didja-?” I start.

“We saw it,” a female guard informs. “Next time, pay the toll.”

“And two:” the first male guard presses on, “being in possession of a weapon. No species other than a pony is allowed to have a weapon in Stalliongrad.”

“That is the biggest pile of shit I could’ve ever heard!” Kaileena screams.

“Well, guess what?” The guard stomps on the ground. “That ‘biggest pile of shit’ is the rules here in Stalliongrad. Now come with us... we got a nice cell for you....”

“And what’re ya gonna do if we don’t go?” I demand vehemently.

“For starters, we’re gonna (Horrendous and erotically disgusting dialogue that has been omitted to protect the not-so-sacred teen rating). How does that sound?”

“...” Kaileena is silent, face contorted in disgust as she shudders from the pure grotesqueness of it all.

“Me body won’t be ready for any of that!” I complain in a whiny voice.

And even worse, I have the WEIRDEST boner right now....

“Well, too bad.” I feel cold metal around my wrist and see two guards cladding both me and Kaileena together with a pair of handcuffs... or is it hoofcuffs?

Damn you, grammar... I salute you with a middle finger.

The six guards take away Ellipsis and Kaileena’s hook sword and begin pushing us towards their destination. “Move it or lose it, freaks.” The female guard from earlier demands.

Seven minutes of forced walking transpires. We look up at the jail before us, and we both go wide-eyed in a mixture of awe and fear.

The jail is styled like a chess rook, or a castle tower, for those of you who aren’t submersed in chess terminology. The landmark stretched to a staggering one hundred feet, carved entirely of ash-gray stone. Small, bar-wrought windows jut out of the building, and the foundation is as wide as a house. Judging by the number of columns of windows, I assume there are about nine or ten floors. A wooden door, a typical beige hue, at the base of the building signifies that the tower isn’t simply just an impressive, albeit intimidating, statue.

In Kaileena’s eyes, a place like this must be to die for if it was a house.

But to me? That rook is ready to claim a pawn for its own.

“The tower of the damned, rising from the pits of Tartarus up to the heavens. The conflicting sides of life and death mix and distort space. As you climb further up the tower, the closer to Tartarus you go. If you continue you will only reach your ruin, for at the top you shall fall off the world and into the abyss. Built to reach salvation, only to bring about damnation. The ponies unknowingly sentenced themselves to death, the tower that was meant to be their bridge becoming their grave. Welcome to Stone Tower, freaks,” the male guard says. The guards push open the door and guide me up the spiraling staircase. I watch, out of the corner of my eye, the guards with our weapons place them in a room on the left. We are pushed up the twisting flight of stairs.

“Why is this place so huge?” I ask. Each floor we pass is large and circular, with jail cells set up in a circle as well.

“Our chief decided that we needed a large facility and more security after the last breakout, so we built this place,” The female guard answers, irritated by my very presence.

“Breakout?” Kaileena raises a brow.

“Yes. Several months back, two griffins helped a Unicorn escape from here. We got quite a field day from the chief after that.” The male guard shivers. I spy a floor with the big number “5” written on it, signifying that we are on the fifth floor. We are taken down this floor towards an empty cell on the far left area of the circular room. All around me, the inmates whisper words of disgust at my presence, due to my unusual appearance. I pay them no mind, but their words still sting like hornets. The guards unlock and open the door before unlocking our cuffs and shoving us inside. The door slams shut behind us, and the guard locks the door, preventing us from escape.

“Hang on!” I demand.

“What?” The guard spits angrily.

“What if this world orbits the sun?” I ask, the greatest troll face plastered to my own as I try to get a rise out of him in a last-ditch effort.

It isn’t very effective...

“...What if your girlfriend orbits my dick....”

“I’m NOT his girlfriend!” The Bast that’s imprisoned with me charges at the cage and tries to swipe at the guards through the bars with her claws. The guards only laugh even harder than before the joke was made.

And what am I doing?

I sit on a cot in the sidelines and do nothing, donning one of the largest poker faces I’ve ever had the misfortune to be plagued by. Only problem is that my face is beet red with mortification.

The guards go back downstairs, still giggling like morons. Kaileena draws back from the bars of the jail, still seething slightly. She sits down on the other cot and sighs. “Those... those pricks!” She hisses, her fists balled up.

“Hey, hey, hey, what happened t’ bein’ peaceful?” I quip. Kaileena stops her hissy fit and begins to gradually calm down.

“Yeah, yeah... you’re right. Sorry, Damien.”

“Don’t mention it....” I turn my head and see two other Bast staring at us. One has fur the color of mahogany, and bears eyes of a vivid green. He is clad in a brown tunic and pants. The other has silver fur, sharp blue eyes, and dressed in rags. The silver-furred Bast is incredibly middle-aged, yet seems to possess wisdom due to his age; the brown one appears to be at his prime in his younger years.

They’re both staring at me, the brown one in confusion, the silver one in disdain.

“Hey Ren, remember when you asked what a human was?” the brown one says.

“Yeah...”

“That, just without the bird legs and the bat wings.”

“Hmmm...honestly, not as ugly as I thought it would be.”

“Hold the phone, lad,” I interject. “How in the hell do you know what a human is?” I then ask the brown one.

“The same way you do,” he says while rolling his eyes.

“Y...you got blasted here, too?” I finally say.

“No...mine hit me on the head with an umbrella,” he says sheepishly.

“Ah... mine threw a magically-enhanced pencil at my face. Woke up at the beach with the biggest migraine ever.”

“Dammit! Mine made me climb down a cliff! Infested by rocs!”

“Oh gods, not the rocs again. You were attacked by a giant bird. It happens. Get over it,” the grey one grumbled.

“Somehow, I know that feel,” I tell the brown one. “Got chased by a wild boar with the biggest tusks I’ve ever seen. Your little roc experience makes my problem look...” Pause for dramatic effect... “Boar-ing.”

Don’t get me wrong. I think that was a funny pun, but it is absolutely foolish of me to expect someone to shout “YEEEAAAHHH!”.

And plus... no one even laughed.

“I’m going to have to hurt you for that at the earliest opportunity,” the grey one says plainly.

“Seconded,” the brown one concurs.

“Hah!” Kaileena chuckles. “Good luck, assholes! We’re trapped in here.”

“How is that a good thing?” I say blandly. I then turn towards the two other Bast across the room. “So what’d you guys get in here for?”

“Not being a pony,” the grey one growls.

“We beat up a ton of guards,” the brown one says with a smile. “You?”

“Same thing that grey one said. Only, I just wanted alcohol, an' those bastards downstairs prohibited it.”

“I told you we should’ve gone to Canterlot!” Kaileena admonishes.

“Oi! An' I told you that I am not putting up with snooty ponies if it meant receiving booze, alright?” I fire back.

“Hold on a second,” the older one starts, “you came to Stalliongrad, one of the most dangerous and racist cities in Equestria, to get drunk?”

“...I am not a clever man,” I deadpan. Plus, like I mentioned, there was a high chance that Stalliongrad had liquor. But I think after this experience, I may wanna stay off the sauce.

“I’ll say. Even I’m not that dumb and I lost my hand flipping somebody off!” The brown one holds up his right arm for emphasis. Now that I examine it more, I see that it is indeed slightly blockier than his other arm.

YA KNOW WHAT, FUCK YO- Yeah, he’s right...

“Well, damn, lad...” I mutter. “Either you’re very stupid, or ya have balls o’ steel.” The brown one flips me off at the former option. “However, that’s not important.”

“Then what is?” Kaileena asks.

“Freedom, me friends.”

“We’re working on that,” the grey Bast says.

“Then allow me t’ assist ya....” I open my palm and concentrate on summoning Ellipsis. I have never tried to teleport it to me unless it was in the Abyss... but maybe... and just maybe....

“PSHING!*

“Awww yeah, baby!” I exclaim evilly as my trusty scythe reappears in my hand again with a flash of light. The gold and red wrappings, the long and thin bat wing-shaped blade, the slightly meandering haft, and the gem at the top all appeared, the latter still glowing a bright white light.

“Huh...look at that,” the grey one says, wide-eyed.

“Holy shit!” The brown one shouts.

“Relax, he’s got this,” Kaileena reassures the two of them. I cock my arms back and give the door a mighty swing...

...only for the blade to beat uselessly against the iron bars. Granted, I do leave a little nick in the bars, but that’s it. The bone-jarring vibrations rush through my body and make me shake violently. “What the hell?!” I grumble when the vibrations subside.

“Nice try, kid,” the grey one tells me, “but if there’s one thing ponies know, it’s magic. They probably enchanted these bars to resist attack.”

“Dammit...” I sit back down. C’mon, Damien, think, think, think!

…

“Hmmm...” I get back up and look at the gem at the top of Ellipsis. Strange... I feel like I recognize that glow before...

…

AHA!

Alright, Damien, time to think! What’s the Latin word for ‘unlock’?

“Reserare,” I say automatically. The gem flashes slightly before dimming down a bit, and my brain gives off a very dull, yet easily ignorable pain. A clicking sound comes from the lock of mine and Kaileena’s prison door. I kick the door, swinging it wide open.

So that’s not all that that fountain did... seems I have more mana than prior to my fountain incident.

“Thank ya, Reverend Peters, despite your bullshit Scripture lessons!” I say happily. I walk over to the other cage containing the two other Bast and use the unlocking charm on their door. With a click and the sound of rusty hinges being turned. The grey and brown Bast vacate their cell.

“Well Fault, what do you have to say about that?” the brown one says, looking over my shoulder.

“I say he cheated,” a female voice says, accompanied by the sound of a cell door being swung open. From the room next to ours steps a dark grey unicorn with a rich blue mane and eyes to match. In her magical grip, she held a screwdriver and bobby pin which she moves to her tail for safekeeping. “I opened mine with pure skill. Not some fancy shmancy...whatever-the-hay-you-are trick!”

“Devil Imp, damn it,” I mutter angrily. “Honestly? Must I fuckin’ staple a piece of paper with those words onto me chest?”

“I’VE never even heard of a Devil Imp,” the brown one reasons. “I don’t think anyone around here even knows what a Bast is. You have to expect this stuff.”

“That’s not true: I know what a Bast is,” I tell him.

“You’re dating one,” he deadpans.

Once again, me and Kaileena both facepalm. “We’re not dating!” We both say in unison.

The unicorn rolls her eyes while the two Bast share a look. “Right.”

My eye twitches at a ridiculous rate before I take a deep breathe to prevent from skull-fucking someone with my scythe. “Let’s... let’s just go. This is not the time for that.”

“He’s right,” the unicorn starts. “Remember what I said about the beating? And solitary? We need to get moving before the guards find out we’re gone.”

“Yeah, yeah. Quick introductions. I’m Jack or Khajiit, whichever you prefer. He’s Ren and she’s Faultless. And you?” the brown one asks.

“I’m Damien. She’s Kaileena.” The Bast in question waves. “Let’s get your weapons an' get the hell outta here. I take it ya know where they are?”

“Probably in the first floor armory,” Fault answers. “That’s where they keep confiscated weapons until they find someone to buy them.”

“Correct,” Kaileena tells her. “Let’s get moving.”

“Like hell I’m letting them sell those swords! I’ve had them for years,” Ren growls.

“We could probably fight our way down there if we need to. After all, you have...that thing and I have this.” He grabs what I now realize is a wooden hand and pulls it off, revealing a gold-white blade underneath. The blade shines in the light of the sun streaming from his and Ren's cell window.

“Niiiice... ever pulled an Assassin’s Creed on anyone with that?”

“Once...kind of...it was on this rat chick that was going to have me stuffed after she raped me to death,” Khajiit explains as we all head down the spiral staircase in the middle of the room. Some of the prisoners are begging us to let them out as well as we make our descent.

“Please let us out!”

“We wanna go, too!”

“Please! I beg of you!”

And how do I react?

Well, let’s just say that I don’t have enough middle fingers for them all.

We reach the bottom of the staircase and see the armory that Faultless mentioned earlier. Unfortunately, two guards are there, sitting in chairs as their chests rise and fall, the both of them deep in sleep.

“Quiet Bast with soft paws first?” I whisper to Khajiit, Ren, and Kaileena.

“Yeah, yeah, we know the drill.” Khajiit and Ren quickly and silently run up to the two sleeping guards. Ren starts a countdown with his fingers and when he reaches zero, the two of them bash the sleeping ponies heads together, leaving them unconscious. The two Bast then slip inside.

For a moment, all is quiet. Then: “SWEET LUNA, NOT THE FACE!”

After a couple of solid thumps, Ren calls out. “You can come in now.”

“Awesome,” Kaileena says as we both go in. I see both Khajiit and Ren throwing on a pair of exotic scimitars, Khajiit’s being black as ebony, Ren’s being white as ivory. On the ground lays a single pony, blood trickling from his nose and mouth as he lay on the ground, unconscious.

“Whoa, Ren, for an old fart, you’re good at this ‘beat the shit outta people’ thing,” I comment as Kaileena grabs her hooked sword and I look at the unconscious stallion with a hint of pity.

“I should be. I’ve been doing this for probably twice as long as you’ve been alive,” he says with a chuckle. Over in one corner, the unicorn was buckling on a pair of saddlebags. For no reason, she pulls a leather case out of them and kisses it.

“It’s okay, boys, mommy’s here.”

“Oookay, I’m gonna pretend that never happened,” Kaileena mutters.

“Agreed,” I say. The unicorn, Faultless, fires a menacing look at me. “Don’t look at me like that!” I argue. “You’re th’ one talkin’ to leather cases and shit.”

“What? You name your weapons! Why can’t I name my things?” she asked in a whining tone.

“...Touche... let’s just get the hell outta here,” I say again.

“Agreed,” Khajiit starts. “Besides, this is usually the moment where-”

“THE PRISONERS ARE ESCAPING!”

“Goddamnit! Every time!”

“Aw, Christ!” I say nervously. I look around and see the vials of liquid still in my bandolier. Hah! Bastards forgot to take that from me!

With a wicked smirk, I quickly pull a knockout gas vial and throw it at the guard who had shouted, the vial breaking in pieces and the green noxious fumes inside incapacitating him. However, more guards continue to pour out through the front door, and my knockout gas supplies aren’t exactly abundant.

“Ah, shit! I’m out!” I complain when the last vial of knockout gas is thrown. “Now what?”

“Now this,” Ren says casually as he and Khajiit charge the guards and start annihilating every single one of them with their fists, viciously knocking out each one of them within one or two blows to the face.

I let out a low whistle. These guys are almost as violent as I am.

Almost....

With the guards now knocked out and rendered useless, we all exit the Stone Tower prison, glad to be in fresh, breathable air again. Not wanting to hesitate and let the guards recapture us, we take off down the western road.

Sweet God, I must’ve broken a fucking record: I’d only been in that prison for about six minutes and already, I’m scot free.

However, this little milestone is to be celebrated at a later date.

When we try to escape through one of the bridges on the western side of Stalliongrad, we only see more guards angrily barricading the exit. Unless we think fast, we’d all be in deep shit.

“EVERYONE GRAB ONTO ME!!!” I shout at the troupe of escapees as I still charge. They all do as they’re instructed. OK, Damien, time to think again... what were those spells you saw yourself perform in the vision?

…

Ah, yes!

“Inviolabolis! Celeritas!” I shout. The glow of Ellipsis’s gem dims down significantly, and I experience a heavy case of lightheadedness, accompanied by a larger headache. I feel a strange wave of warmth wash over me as I cast the spells. Suddenly, I pick up much more speed than I thought I could. The guards stick their spears out in an attempt to stop me.

With the invulnerability and haste charms cast on me and the other four, I flare my wings and blitz through the whole crowd of stallions and mares at the speed of a racecar, knocking over guards like they’re bowling pins, their spears breaking and shattering like toothpicks as they came in contact with me.

After a few seconds of blindly barraging through the crowd of guards, we finally emerge on the other side of the river. I don’t stop flying however, until I am absolutely sure that they aren’t following us. The charms stop working, and I begin to slow down drastically before I drop down to the floor in exhaustion. We come to an abrupt and tumbling halt right next to a small pond.

“Ugh... never again,” Kaileena murmurs as she gets up off of the ground.

“Seconded,” Faultless groans.

“I hate flying,” Ren growls.

“Would ya rather we have gotten caught?” I deadpan at him.

“He has a point. And I will figure out what it is as soon as the earth stops spinning,” Khajiit says from his position on the ground. I chuckle slightly at the Bast’s misfortune, but he is correct: the earth does seem to be revolving viciously, and my headache from both the crash and the spell-casting has taken its toll on me.

I shake my head to rid the world of its vigorous spinning and stand up. I look at the afternoon sun in the sky, my headache from casting magic still existent, yet incredibly duller than before. “So where do ya all plan on headin’ now? Any place specific?”

“We need to get back into Stalliongrad,” Ren says solemnly as he gets up. “The two of us have business there.”

“Not with those guards swarming everywhere. I’m sure they’re already posting wanted posters right now,” Kaileena tells him.

“And the only way in is for me to fly you guys to your destination. Soooo....” I trail off, the obvious thought probably entering Ren’s head.

“Actually, that’s not true,” Fault exclaims. “There are other ways into the city.”

“What is it?” Ren quickly asks. Damn, this guy must really hate flying.

“There’s an old sewer entrance on this side the guards don’t know about. I can show you if you want.”

“So...we either fly or go through a stinking sewer.”

“Your choice, lad,” I offer. Honestly? After getting thrown into jail, busting out of said jail, and charging through an armada of guards, I’m in no mood to even go back to that city let alone touch alcohol ever again...

...OK, so maybe I lied about that last part.

“Well...we should at least see this entrance before we make a decision,” he says with a sigh.

“Yeah. Sounds good,” Khajiit calls out, though it sounds like he’s trying not to puke.

Hang on a tad... the name ‘Khajiit’ is from Skyrim, obviously. And when I told him if he Assassin’s Creed’d someone, he replied with a yes. Even better, he told me that he is from Earth, like me.

That might just leave one thing....

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Brain, Run BronyScan.EXE, please.

Of course, Master. You look very handsome today, and I am sure that several bitches would love to be with you.

Thank you, Brain.

“Hey, Khajiit!” I call out to the slightly nauseous Bast. “This is supposed to be an intervention: where is everypony?”

Khajiit looks up to face me, and I think it might be a trick of the light, but I see him slowly start to grin. “Applejack’s in a coma, Rarity’s being held captive by Mexicans, Fluttershy’s in the nuthouse, and Rainbow Dash’s dead. Any more questions, smartass?”

I shake my head.

He looks confused for a moment. “Are those that .MOV things? Those things freak me the fuck out!”

I chuckle again. “Dude, once you get used to HotDiggedyDemon’s work an' creepypasta, it’s not that bad.”

“I call bullshit on that, but whatever....” Khajiit gets back up and sighs, rubbing his temples to try and get rid of whatever headache he attained in the crash. “I’ve only seen the science one, but I swore off them after Twilight shit herself on camera. There are a few things I’ve never wanted to see in my life and cartoon pony shit was on that list.”

“Oh, Lord, ya do strike a point there, lad,” I comment. “So... you guys're gonna head back into a city where you not only got arrested, but you're also probably being searched all over for an’ also probably wanted for escape, assault, an’ not being a pony?”

“Not the most dangerous thing we’ve ever done. They’re just ponies, after all,” Ren says smugly.

“Ponies that kicked your ass,” Khajiit fires back. I resist the urge to snicker.

“Not fair! They cheated!” he retorts.

“Ahem. Gentlemen?” Kaileena cuts across the two others’ conversation.

“This is a last call. I’m headin’ to Ponyville, then Canterlot. But.. are ya sure ya don’t want me t’ fly you guys over to where ya need t’ go?”

“I would like to point out that I also know a place where we can hide for a while,” Fault calls out.

“I think we’ll be fine with the sewers,” Ren says.

“Thanks for all your help,” Khajiit adds, holding out his left hand. I take it in my left hand and give his a brief shake.

“No problem, me friends,” I tell him before I move on to shake Ren’s hand and Faultless’s hoof. “I honestly hope that we cross paths one day. Until then, safe travels an’ happy adventurin’!” I flash a little grin.

“It was really nice meeting you three,” Kaileena throws in. “I also can’t wait to meet you all again someday!”

“Likewise,” Khajiit says cheerily. Ren simply nods and Faultless waves.

“If you’re ever back this way, look me up in a bar called The Hall. You two seem like a lot of fun,” she says, throwing in a wink.

I give a short snicker before me and Kaileena wave at the trio of adventurers and head off into the west, where Ponyville is supposed to be located.

“Erm, Damien?” Kaileena asks as Khajiit, Ren, and Faultless turn back towards Stalliongrad to look for that hidden sewer entrance, the three of them disappearing from view as we crest over the hills.

“Yeah?” I respond.

“What’s creepypasta?”

Uh-oh. Abandon thread. ABANDON THREAD!!!

“Er... Ya don’t wanna know.”