Starlight sat in the library of the Immortal Dream, kicking one hoof against another. She needed to talk to someone, she knew. There were too many thoughts banging around in her head, and it was the only way to get the pressure out of her heart. But every time she tried thinking through the ship's crew, she got distracted halfway down the list and only made herself more sure there just wasn't an option. Maybe someone like Willow, but she was back in Riverfall. Maybe...
"Oh. Here you are," Harshwater's voice announced, partly covered by the rain pounding against the roof.
Starlight looked up. "Are you looking for me?"
Harshwater shrugged, looking like she had forgotten to brush her mane. "Valey is still resting after fighting with Gazelle. She asked me to cover for her if you were needing someone to spar with."
"Training?" Starlight blinked, then glanced at the roof. "It's pouring outside."
"Battles happen where they happen," Harshwater replied. "It's an advantage for you if you're more comfortable in bad weather than your opponent. But she just asked me to offer. It was only if you were wanting to."
Starlight struggled out of her chair. "Wait!" she called. If she couldn't talk about it, maybe taking her feelings out in a scuffle would help... "I didn't say I didn't want to. Is it inconvenient?"
"I don't have much better to do." Harshwater turned around, heading for the stairs. "Follow if you want."
Starlight scampered along, chasing the pegasus onto the shipdeck. Fat raindrops instantly flattened her mane, and she pushed thoughts of being warm and content far from her mind. For now, she was training in the rain.
Harshwater turned to face her again. "So, I don't know what you're working on. What do you want me to do?"
Starlight thought for a moment. "Well, with Valey, we usually just fight for a while and then she chooses something she wants me to work on from that. Last time we were practicing landing on my hooves after getting launched. Do you want me to just fight you?"
"Okay. Come at me." Harshwater nodded, adopting a stance and beckoning with a wing. "You've been doing this for months. Show me what you can do."
"I will." Starlight set her teeth, sizing up her opponent. Her horn still wanted to be used, but the whole point of training with Valey was to learn to fight when she didn't have it to count on. After reading Harshwater as best as she could and determining the mare wasn't going to do anything reckless, Starlight charged.
She pivoted, preparing to strike her adversary with as strong of a rear kick as she could. But that would be too obvious, Harshwater would backstep, grab her legs and pull her off balance... Rather than kicking, Starlight completed her spin, landing on her hind legs and rearing up to turn her momentum into a wound-up punch.
Harshwater's wing was exactly where she guessed it would be, preparing to grab her, and Starlight brought her hoof down on the wing's edge with a yell. "Good gambit," Harshwater huffed, gritting her teeth, but Starlight's belly was exposed and she knew the other mare wasn't going to waste her breath instead of counterattacking. There was a sweep coming, Harshwater trying to knock her off her legs, and Starlight took a swift step forward, stomping and catching Harshwater's tail as she whipped around to trip her.
But Harshwater wasn't finished. Starlight knew it was coming, but the rain on the deck prevented her from moving in time as Harshwater yanked her tail away, leaving Starlight on one hoof and about to be shoulder-checked. She could take it head-on, or dodge to the side...
Starlight lunged to the left, twisting to land on her back, knowing Harshwater was about to smite her with a wing and kicking to repel it with all four hooves. The wing still slapped across her, more to cover her sight than anything. Where was Harshwater about to hit her? She had a feeling she was about to be stepped on and pinned...
She shoved against the floor, figuring her best chance was to tangle herself in Harshwater's legs on her own initiative. Suddenly, the wet floor was working against the pegasus, and Starlight braced for the full weight of her body about to crush her. Harshwater wasn't heavy, but she was an adult, and would know how to use her weight as an advantage.
The blow came, and Starlight wheezed from the impact, but she was ready and grappled Harshwater's barrel in return, clawing with her hooves and trying to get onto her back while pinning her wings to her side. Harshwater growled in surprise and tried to kick her off, but held onto the advantageous position. Harshwater was about to roll, though, and crush her again...
Starlight angled her head, and when Harshwater came down again, her horn dug hard into the pegasus's side. She felt Harshwater's muscles constrict with pain, but Harshwater didn't stop, jumping into the air after her roll. She was about to get an angle where Starlight couldn't stab her and try to slam her to get her off for a third time. Starlight had no choice but to let go, certain Harshwater would capitalize on it in a heartbeat.
She was right. Harshwater instantly grabbed her back, and Starlight headbutted her in the chest, knowing she didn't have nearly enough limbs to block or kick every way Harshwater could hold her. It was over. Harshwater hovered in place, Starlight pinned against her between two dexterous forelegs.
"Well?" Starlight grunted. She was used to losing these matches, since Valey always won, but since this wasn't Valey, a part of her had dared to hope.
"You're unnervingly good at reading me," Harshwater replied, setting her down on the deck and stepping a few paces away. "It's eerie. But you're also holding yourself back by not using your horn. You have natural talent and are trained well, but your body puts you at a disadvantage. A unicorn filly without magic isn't going to be able to win against anyone who has training in combat."
Starlight folded her ears. Her horn begged to be used, fresh from immersion in the harmonic flame hours before, but this was the point of the exercise. "I know. I can still try, right? What should I work on?"
Harshwater regarded her for a moment. "...Whatever you want. And I'm not saying that to be lazy. Sizing up your own performance and weaknesses is an important ability for any fighter. Many aren't so lucky to have a mentor."
Just like that, everything Starlight had been out there to avoid thinking about was back in her mind. "Did you have a mentor?"
"My parents joined Kero's mercenaries when I was younger than you are, before he was around." Harshwater looked out into the storm. "I was trained, but didn't have someone in particular beyond my parents."
Starlight folded her ears. "Were they good at it?"
"No. They weren't thrilled about their precious baby daughter growing up to become a rough-and-tumble mercenary like them. Always thought they could protect me from it while they earned enough money for us to live 'the good life'. So much for that dream." She rolled her eyes. "Bad mission got them. But they saw me making friends with all the other kids in the company. They'd have known I'd be fine."
Starlight winced. "Oh."
Harshwater raised an eyebrow. "And just like that, all your fight is gone. Too rainy? Or did I touch on a bad subject?"
"The rain is fine," Starlight replied, giving Harshwater all the answer she needed.
"Well, misery loves company." Harshwater strolled to the front of the deck, sitting down with her back against the wall.
Starlight watched her, trying to decide if that was an invitation to say more. Harshwater saw the look and returned it. "If you came out here to get something off your mind, you might as well talk about it. There's a lot of trauma in my old line of work. I've seen what happens when you don't deal with it."
Sighing, Starlight walked over and sat next to her. If she was offering to listen, that wasn't an offer she was going to question. "I ran away from home. Maple just adopted me."
Harshwater nodded. "Mhm."
"And I don't know how I'm feeling now, but I wish I hadn't needed to," Starlight continued. "I feel like I'll lose everyone if I don't keep my friends safe all the time."
Harshwater shrugged. "It depends. Sometimes you lose them one at a time, other times a mission goes horrible and you lose a lot at once. Sometimes it happens when you were there, and you feel like beating yourself up for not doing more. Other times, it happens when you stayed home, and you have to avoid thinking things could have been different if you were there because you know everyone who came back is blaming themselves harder already. You just have to deal. But that's mercenary life. This isn't a mercenary ship. And as far as I know, none of the regulars here have died since you started flying together."
Starlight bit her lip. "But what if they do? How do you deal with it? Because I never had anyone show me how."
"Ugh..." Harshwater groaned. "You're asking the wrong pegasus. I dealt with it by setting unhealthy priorities and making bad choices on what to care about, and you saw where that got me when we met in Mistvale. So I can tell you that's not the way. But it did help at the time."
Starlight's mane dripped, hammered by the rain and flat against her skull. "So you never had anyone teach you a better way either?"
"A better way to do what? Deal with losing your friends?" Harshwater raised an eyebrow. "You must have a messed-up past if that's what keeps you up at night at your age."
"I guess I do," Starlight replied.
"Well..." Harshwater stretched, touching her forehooves above her head. "I don't know your whole story, and I always have a thing or two to say about role models who refuse to do their jobs. But I can't do a lot for you there. You just deal with it, because once you see the ponies who can't get over whoever they lost, and spend time living with them and knowing them, you know you never want that to be you."
Starlight stared at the ship's stern. "Oh."
"Are you sure you want to stay out here?" Harshwater asked. "We're going to catch colds in this."
"No, we should go in." Starlight got to her hooves, not sure how much better she felt. There was one pony who probably didn't have answers for her, but still might have a lot more empathy than some of the others. Maybe she would try to talk to Harshwater again. After she had warmed up.