"Good morning, my volatile little heaps of hormones. This is Interim Principal Discord with your morning announcements, because the universe is strange and not entirely explicable. Yet.
"Students are reminded to please keep the floor clear of all manifestations of supernatural energy, tangible or otherwise. The last thing we need is another stuffed alligator sent to the hospital.
"The Dance Your Left Nostril Off Festival is this coming Friday, starting at 6 PM in the gymnasium for those of you who bother with such things. Proper attire is available from Interim Vice Principal Berrytwist for $3.14 per outfit, and the moment I determine how to change an irrational fraction of a cent, I will. Be sure to specify size and style; we're passing these all off on Rarity and she needs all the help she can get.
"Please be advised that the tome of ancient, eldritch lore Principal Celestia received from her divine equine counterpart has still claimed as Band Practice Room C as its rightful territory and refuses to release the Equestrian Luna until its demands have been met. No, it has not yet told us what those demands are. Given that Celestia's the one who endowed it with sapience, cake should suffice. It always worked on her back in her teens.
"On that note, students are advised to keep an eye out for pony analogues replacing their classmates. Sunset Shimmer has confirmed that an offer of bratwurst should crack any would-be infiltrators' resolve. Be vigilant, students. We don't want a repeat of the Rainbow Dash Incident.
"Finally, the Rainbooms are looking for a new member of their magical containment unit while Fluttershy recovers from a failure to believe that friendship is, in fact, magic. Applicants are expected to blindly obey the commands of extraplanar horse women, deliver after-school special morals with a straight face, and play the ocarina.
"Today's lunch is soggy waffles and chocolate milk, my treat. And do remember to let Celestia know precisely how well I'm doing in her position. Otherwise, she might try to make me fill in for her again.
"That is all."