//------------------------------// // 3.14z^2a 3.14 // Story: Sparkle, Sparkle, Sparkle // by Split Scimitar //------------------------------// “Michael Jordan’s Steakhouse.” “Hi, is there a possibility of placing a to-go order?” “Sure! When will you be picking up?” “As soon as possible.” “That’ll be in about 45 minutes then.” “No problem.” “What can I get you?” “Can we get 2 Delmonico steaks? One Medium, one Rare.” “Okay, anything else?” “Yes, an Italian Beef. And that’ll be it.” “Okay, so I have 2 Delmonico, one medium, one rare, and an Italian Beef.” “That’s all correct.” “Perfect! We’ll get those going for you, can I call you when they’re ready?” “Yes, please do!” “Sounds good.” “Thank you so much.” “My pleasure. Talk to you soon.” “Will do. Bye.” “Bye.” “Sweet. I have 2 steaks and an Italian Beef on the way. More meat for you to try, Twily.” “Yay.” She responds with some hesitance. “Do you not like meat after all?” “I do. It’s just I guess I get nervous when I get it. Guilty conscience I guess.” “I can understand that. If you don’t want them, it’s totally okay.” “No, no. I appreciate you ordering them. What sets those meats apart from the meat we can get on pizza?” “For starters, the animal. Steak and beef are bovine, and sausage unless otherwise specified is usually porcine.” “Do you guys eat horse?” “Not here in America. Horse meat is a delicacy in a few places around the world however.” I say nervously. “Usually though, if a horse is close to the end of its life but still safe for consumption, then they’ll slaughter it and prepare the meat.” The Princess’ eyes go big as dinner plates as I quickly try to recover with, “like I said though, consumption of equine products is virtually illegal here in the States. Sorry.” “No. It’s fine. It’s just difficult for me to make the distinction between the ponies of my world and the ponies of your world.” “Sure. But I haven’t tried horse meat, though I hear mixed reviews about it.” “Would you try it?” “Sure? To say I did mostly. I doubt I would like it.” “See, this is why it’s difficult for me to come to this world.” “That’s funny, at least for someone like me. It’s impossible for me to go full vegetarian because if I did, my sodium consumption would go up so much that it would be more hazardous to my health than just eating meat.” “That’s ironic and sad at the same time.” Before I can say anything else, I slow down for normal traffic, but quickly slam on the brakes when a gutsy one squeezes between me and the car in front, leaving no room between us. “Come on, man! You have at least 2 car lengths in front of you, and you still do me dirty like that?” I respond stoically, knowing I probably would’ve done the same thing if I was in his situation. “Calm down, sugar cube.” Applejack says, sensing a rise in my blood pressure. “I am. I mean that in a funny way, since of all things, he cuts me off rather than wait for me to give him the space.” “Fair enough.” “Why does driving have to be stressful?” Twi adds from the backseat. “Because of the people who drive like they don’t want anybody within 10 yards of them. Or the people who drive like they own the road.” “Sounds about right.” Twi responds. “Kind of a given. Even so, I hate people that feel entitled. Even though I’m guilty of it too.” “I don’t know about that.” Applejack responds. “Yer’ not the type to treat people as less than.” “I have my moments. I don’t think you know me as well as you think.” “Max, don’t lie to ‘yerself. Yer’ a good man.” “Stop it, you’ll over-inflate my ego.” “Yer’ not Rainbow Dash, you can take a compliment!” AJ snaps back. “Damn, AJ. You got a beef with Dash or somethin’?” “Believe me,” Twi responds, “you don’t know the half of it.” “I can imagine.” I say as I set course back towards Dan Ryan. “Okay. Looks like we’ll have just enough time to pick up the steaks before we head to Lou’s. Just in case, can either Applejack or Twi be prepared to move the truck?” “Where should we move it?” “You might just have to move it as far as the next few blocks up Michigan. Or try and find another street and park wherever you can.” “I can do it!” AJ responds. “So can I!” Twi adds. “I’ll let you two fight over it. It doesn’t really matter who does it.” As we head for the city, I watch the weather, which currently sits at a condition I can only describe as “Seattle happy.” That is to say, low-to-mid level clouds, depressing to a purebred Californian, but for me it’s perfect. Keeps some warmth trapped but also cold enough to not be terribly uncomfortable. Anyway, moving swiftly onto Dan Ryan, the EcoBoost V6 shouts as I flick a paddle to activate manual mode. I max out at 5000 revs give or take through the next few gears, resuming automatic mode when we reach a comfortable highway speed of… 55. After I jump off the interstate, I catch Michigan as far south as sensible so that when we reach the steakhouse, I can easily find a place to stop. Unfortunately, all the space in front of it is occupied with taxis and luxury ride shares, so I ask who’s gonna take control. Twi then takes off her belt, I quickly spring into action, putting her in park and playing Chinese fire drill so I can run in and pick up the food. Soon after I get out, the light turns green. I then head for the hostess desk inside a hotel lobby, greeted by a host. “Good evening. For how many?” He asks. “Actually, I’m picking up a to go order for Max.” “Oh! Yes, yes. Um, unfortunately, we’re still waiting on your Italian Beef. It should be ready shortly.” “No problem. I’ll wait.” “Thank you. Sorry about that.” “No trouble at all.” As I play the waiting game, three parties, two of whom are definitely couples in for a hot date night, get seated. I smile happily as I text AJ asking where they are. “We made a right on Ohio.” “Perfect.” “Here you are, sir. Sorry about the wait.” “It’s no trouble.” I say as I present him my card for payment. To alleviate some of his troubles, I tip a light 10%. “Thank you, sir! Have a good evening!” “Thank you, you too!” When I exit onto Michigan, the traffic hasn’t gotten any better, but as soon as I set foot outside, I feel a couple of raindrops. “Oh no. That can’t be good.” I whisper to myself as I head for Ohio. I then text both Twi and AJ, “on the way back.” When I reach the truck, Twi returns to the back seat and takes the food. The smell of the steak is so pungent that I’m salivating heavily. “Alright. Feel free to dig into those, but please save some room for pizza. Those meats are for later, if any of you want some leftovers after the fact.” “Then why did ya’ order them now?” AJ asks. “Because I don’t want to have to go back into the city. This way, when we head back to my airport, I don’t have to take a big detour.” “Fair enough, but in all honesty, it’d be worth the detour.” “Trust me. I’ve eaten there on Valentine’s Day. It’s really not.” “Alright. I’ll take ‘yer word for it.” “Is there silverware in here?” Twi asks. “Should be. Don’t think too much about a knife. The steaks cut like butter.” “Ooh!” Twily says as she pulls open one of the steaks. “Is that the medium or the rare?” “Let me cut into it.” Twi says taking the freshly cooked steak from her counterpart. “That’s definitely rare.” “Are you a fan of red meat, Twily?” I ask. “I don’t know?” “Probably best not to give her that one, Twi. I don’t think she’ll be able to stomach the red.” “How about the sandwich?” “You can dig into that if you want.” One traffic light short of the interstate, we wait for quite a while. I admire the long line of inbound traffic to the city as I watch the Twilights dig in. When the Princess takes her first bite of medium steak, I smile out of the corners of my mouth as she savors the taste. “This doesn’t taste like the meat I know and love.” “That’s because this isn’t bacon.” Twi responds. “Bacon is porcine. This is bovine.” “Oh. Okay.” She responds still chewing on her piece. “Does the Italian Beef have peppers, by the way? They didn’t ask whether I wanted hot or sweet.” “No.” “Okay. It’s no problem. Do you like spice, Twily?” “Spice, but not spicy, if you take my meaning.” “Absolutely. I like spice, but when heat overpowers the flavor, it’s not good.” “Exactly! Some Equestrian cuisine isn’t known for its spice, and others definitely are, but overall, it’s not the most flavorful either. We make do with what we have.” “Sure. Wow! This is one long red.” “Yer’ tellin’ me! We’ve been sitting here forever.” Just then, the light changes, and the first cars in line punch the throttle. “Are the express lanes open?” I ask as I peer to check the signage. “EXPRESS LANES: OPEN” “Sweet!” I exclaim as I let some others pass so I can squeeze in on that side. Jumping in the express lanes with almost everyone else in the lane, I put my foot down, flick a paddle, and turn on the radar detector. After I get comfortable at a weaving 75, I check to make sure the Twilights have stopped eating. “Save some room for pizza, now.” “Don’t worry.” Twi says. “I told her about deep dish. She also knows you have a soft spot for the stuff.” “Indeed I do. If you like pizza, you might love Chicago style deep dish.” “Sounds interesting.” “Usually, I like to stick to 3 basic types: Cheese, The Lou, which is tomatoes and spinach, and if you’re feeling meaty, then we can get a Malnati Chicago Classic, which is cheese and sausage. And, if I remember correctly, Lou’s is different from the other Chicago pizzas by using turkey sausage rather than pork, which I always appreciate.” “You have something against turkeys?” “No. I prefer turkey sausage because it keeps my arteries clear. Pork is not the best of meats because it’s fatty. That being said, pork and porcine products are favored because they’re cheap. Why is porcine cheap? I imagine it’s like this in Equestria too: raising other livestock, especially for meat, is really expensive. They need a lot of food and water, see? Hence, most people prefer porcine meat because it’s cheaper and because it’s fattier, tastier too.” “And bacon is…” “Porcine, usually. There are substitutes available however. Turkey, vegetarian, and even beef, but that’s very difficult to find.” “Hmm. Well, I still look forward to this pizza.” “Good, because… shit!” I say slamming on the brakes. “Fucking hell,” I add as a faster and more aggressive driver, also in a truck, threads a gap between me in the left lane and a slower car in the right lane. Worse still, the rain while light has wet the road enough to cause mild unhooking of my tires. As the offending vehicle slides in about 2 inches from my bumper, hitting the brakes so abruptly causes the backend to kick out, requiring a quarter turn of the steering wheel to counteract. The T/C and ESC lights flash as I punch the throttle to get it to correct itself and AWD engages indicated by some clunking from the drivetrain. When the back returns to normal and the “yaw” corrects itself, I put the hazards on for a few seconds, check that all warning lights are gone and that all is normal at the controls. When I flip the hazards off, I breathe a sigh of relief as AJ and Twi give me terrified looks while Twily is hyperventilating. “Twilight? Twily? It’s okay. We’re fine. Everything is good.” I say as Twi calms her down. “Why didn’t‘ya just slow down and let him in?” AJ asks me angrily. “I did.” “Don’t lie ta’ me! You didn’t brake until ya’ had to!” “I took my foot off the throttle! The speedo dropped by 5!“ “Would you two stop?!” Twi interjects. “Why do you have to fight over something that already happened?” Twily adds. “We could’ve been in a nasty accident! That was easily preventable, but he had to stand his ground and put us all in danger!” “I gave him plenty of space! What did you want me to do?” “Slow down and live! Is that so hard?!” “Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that’s what gets you.” “Ya’ know what? Forget it. I’m done.” “Okay.” I say as I slide over a lane and check for other cars. As soon as the next chance to leave the express lanes comes up, I slide out in prep for an early shift towards Edens. As soon as I can, I slide over to the right lane and continuously monitor the speedo, debating whether I want to drop it all at once or let it bleed off. However, that argument is quickly shut down when I tell myself that if I take the former approach, history might repeat itself with even worse consequences. As soon as I find a clearing, I wait until we pass the next speed limit sign. In about 2000 feet, we pass one: “SPEED LIMIT 55”. Immediately, I take my foot off the throttle and let the groundspeed bleed off to the speed limit. On the way down, I watch as a group going at least a mile a minute pass us. I’m nervous as fuck for doing this because I have bad experiences of being the slowest on the interstate as a passenger, but I’m also trying to prove a point. For The First Time In Forever, I use the cruise control to hold 55. As we get passed by many a car, I wait for the rest of them to notice. “Uh, Max?” Twi asks. “What’s going on?” I don’t answer, instead focusing on the road. “Max?” “Max??” Twi calls again. “Yeah?” “Is there a reason you’ve slowed down to 24.5 meters per second?” “The speed limit is 90 kph.” “But everyone else is going at least 60!” AJ adds. “You wanted to slow down and live. We’re going the speed limit, so in actuality, I’m not going too fast or too slow.” “Okay, Goldilocks, ye’ve proved yer’ point. Let’s get goin’! I’m hankerin’ for some of that pizza!” “Wow. Applejack likes deep dish. Duly noted.” “Of course! Load it up with some sausage, tomatoes, and a heapin’ helpin’ of cheese, it’s the best!” “Don’t forget about the butter crust. That’s what sets Lou’s apart from the others.” “Whoo-ee!” Applejack exclaims. “Let’s get ‘ta eatin’! I’m starving!” “You didn’t have the steaks or the Italian Beef?” “Of course not! I’m here for pizza!” “Says the one who upon meeting me in Arkansas, asked if I was “gonna woo you with a fancy steak dinner.” Be glad I’m not that kind of person.” “Ha! Yeah, otherwise I might actually have ‘ta oblige you.” “And where’s the fun in that?” “EGG-xactly!” “Besides, it may be Valentines Day, whatever the equivalent is in Equestria, but with me you’re lucky. The more the merrier. Especially because my wife can’t make it this year.” “Aww!” Twily says. “Where is your special somepo… somebody?” “She’s working tonight. She runs a helicopter tour business in Hawaii, and a couple on their honeymoon requested her specifically to do a personal tour. I also happen to know the happy couple. One of my buddies from Uni.” “Cool! That’s too bad your wife decided to take work over her husband.” “All Good. She wants a divorce anyway, so the last thing I am is surprised.” “WHAT?! DIVORCE??!!! What happened???” “To be honest, I couldn’t tell you. I’m still trying to figure it out. But enough about me. I don’t want to bring you down.” I say as I reengage manual mode to pick up speed. Sliding over and pacing back up to 70 now that we’re outside of the city, we head for Lou Malnati’s. Parked across the street at the bank, as the restaurant’s small parking lot is full, the four of us head in and seek some shelter from the quickly deteriorating weather situation outside. Last the TAF predicted, a light winter storm was expected to traverse the region, predicting some -SN or FZRA. Nevertheless, I soon get giddy as I preorder the pizzas for dinner. All small, one Malnati Chicago Classic, one Cheese, and The Lou. Basically the entire lineup of non-BYO pies, we have all the bases covered with Lou’s lean sausage as the meat of choice, in fact made of lean pork and not turkey as I originally thought. Anyway, we’re soon seated and drinks ordered. Water all around, plus coffee for Twi and I. After I take my first sips of coffee, I take a deep breath and exhale serenely, now that we’re seated for dinner. “Alright, the pizzas have been preordered to reduce our wait time. If you want something else besides pizza like bruschetta or garlic cheese bread, we can order that now.” “Ooh! Garlic cheese bread!” Twi drools. “And the bruschetta.” I add. “I have a weakness for tomatoes, basil and cheese together.” “Bruschetta, caprese, and margarita pizzas must be impossible to resist then.” “Actually, just the former two.” “Alright!” Our waiter says after delivering our drinks, “did we want to order any appetizers? Bruschetta, garlic cheese bread?” “Actually, those two please!” “Perfect! I’ll get those going for you!” “Thank you!” “Let’s pace ourselves here.” Applejack says. “We have the pizzas coming, the stuff in the car, and now this?” “Tomatoes, basil, and mozzarella. How can you say no? Besides, I ordered smalls. One slice of each apiece.” “That’s still 3 pieces of pizza, sugar cube. That’s an awful lotta food.” “Trust me, if you’re hungry, this’ll be enough. Plus, with the steaks, we can split those evenly.” “Oh alright…” AJ responds with doubt. “Besides, if there’re leftovers, it’ll be good for you. Twily can have some more meat before you return to Equestria. Which, by the way, when do you leave?” “Either tomorrow or the day after. The portal can be opened at any time, but it can be a pain to reopen.” “Oh?” “Yeah. It’s a long story.” “Well, if it isn’t too much trouble, I’d love to take a trip. I can’t say that enough.” “Of course. Like I said in the car, you’ll be welcome, no matter your species.” “Thank you, I appreciate that. Just one other question.” Before I can ask it, our appetizers arrive. I go straight for the obvious, while the other three practically salivate at the warm, steamy, melty garlic cheese bread. This batch is quite pungent, as I can smell the essence of garlic almost enough to say a scent bomb went off. Nevertheless, that one goes quickly, but Twily decides to have some of mine as well, as the scent of the fresh vegetables I imagine is a nice reminder of home. I eat about half the plate and give the rest to the Princess of Friendship. I don’t even touch the garlic cheese bread, which is fine by me. When those dishes get cleared, I enjoy some more coffee and listen away as the other three start talking about things. I then check my phone and find a few messages via text, social media, and email. No outstanding circumstances to worry about, I put my phone away just as the pizzas arrive. Each pie is cut into fourths, so each of us gets a plate with one slice of each on it. “Alright! Friendly reminder that one slice is cheese, one slice is tomatoes, mushrooms and spinach; and the third is sausage.” Since all the slices are perfectly distributed, all 3 pizza dishes are taken away, leaving us with a pretty clear table, which works out nicely, because at the risk of sounding obvious, I’m never comfortable at a crowded table. “Mmm!” Twily says as she bites into her sausage. “I love this!” “Is it worth coming over to this world?” “It’s not bacon, and it doesn’t really taste as good, but this pizza is delicious!” She says between bites. “I’d love to bring my friends over here if and when we all have the time!” “You think any of them would be resistant to the concept of omnivorism?” I ask semi-rhetorically. “My Fluttershy would likely be devastated.” “I can imagine. This world’s Fluttershy tries to avoid eating meat but isn’t uncomfortable eating it.” “Sure. I doubt that any of them could get past the fact that animals here are not the same as they are in Equestria.” “I mean there’re some though.” Twi says. “The traditionally domesticated animals like cats and dogs.” “Fair enough. I would imagine though that even despite that, your friends, Twily, would have a hard time making that dissociation.” “Probably. They’d likely enjoy it here though.” “It’s not a bad place, but I’ve only lived in this world, so…” “I won’t argue.” Twily responds as she continues to eat.