//------------------------------//
// Missing All Along 
// Story: The Olden World 
// by Czar_Yoshi 
//------------------------------//

Starlight stepped toward the harmonic flame, reaching a hoof toward it. "Hello?" she asked, trusting that it wouldn't trigger another vision of gray.

I have been watching you, Starlight Glimmer. I am glad you are here.

"Watching me?" Starlight tilted her head.

My perception extends wherever the lifestream of the world is uninterrupted. I have been watching ever since Kindness told us you needed our aid. Please, come closer.

"The lifestream?" Starlight's ears folded, and she stepped into the brazier. "And you mean the pink flame from Ironridge?"

Yes. The lifestream is a surface of ether on which the foundations of this plane are laid. It is invisible, but you could touch it if you followed this tree to its roots. It is through it that souls are born and remade, that ponies obtain their will to exist and all things thrive. And also yes. Kindness is my sister, who helped you in the west. But I feel your turmoil has not ceased.

Starlight frowned. "And what's ether?"

You are curious. Ether is hope in liquid form. All things that are begin with the will to exist, and ether is that will.

"...Wow." Starlight stared into the flames, ruby light rising and crackling all around her. "Thanks for answering my questions and not being mysterious. You're nice."

Yes. To be loved is nice. And the foundations of the world are rooted in goodness because they were designed that way, precisely for the sake of those who live in it like you. I am that love, and I have no intentions or motivations beyond loving. So I have no need for mystery.

Starlight felt the tension start to leave her shoulders as the flames washed around her, comfortingly warm and refreshingly cool all at once. "Who designed it?"

No singular being. The world has existed in iterations, built up with the intention of improving on each other while leaving the possibility of improving again.

"Wow," Starlight repeated, a warm sensation rising in her chest that left her not knowing what to say. The tree actually listened to her. It not only cared, but didn't think it had to protect her from herself. She knew there was a supernatural sensation of feeling loved, like she was enshrouded in something bigger than her, but even if the tree had no presence whatsoever, she would have been happy. A dozen more questions nudged in at her mind, like what Indus was and why she was so special, but she suddenly felt she didn't need to push her luck. Better not to make Glimmer mad, when... she was already happy.

I will not tell you anything you do not wish to know, the flame reassured, causing Starlight to jump with the realization it could read her mind. But I think you are right not to concern yourself with these. There are many things missing in your life, and they will not be found through an understanding of history or your body. I wish to help you. Tell yourself how you are feeling right now, so that you may understand.

Starlight blinked. "How I'm feeling now? I don't know... It's nice. I like it."

For a moment, the flame shimmered harder. Day to day, you feel as if you are above your friends. You love each other, but you feel responsible for their safety and well-being. You fear that if anything were to happen to them, it would be your fault. You have been told over and over again to weigh the consequences of your actions. But you are also young, and the world is still confusing and new to you. And so, when you are told that knowing something would be harmful, yet have also been told you must know as much as possible to steer your loved ones free from danger, you feel as if the path forward is impossible, yet it will still be your fault. Do these words ring true?

"Maybe?" Starlight bit her lip. "I'd have to think about it. But I'm feeling happy right now, and that sounds bad."

Yes. The happiness you feel at the moment is the feeling of mutual trust. I trust that your curiosities about the world are honest, and entrust you with the answers to your questions. You may not realize it, but you are trusting that I will let nothing bad befall you because of it. And this is a feeling you are missing greatly.

Starlight felt a tug at her heart, and wasn't entirely sure why. "I... don't know. Am I?"

You do not understand the contents of your heart. But I can read everything, and have existed long enough to know many feelings that ponies experience. Starlight, you are missing having parents.

Starlight blinked, the flame's response completely unexpected. "I am? But what about Maple? I don't think I am..."

Maple is not your mother. You love each other dearly, there can be no doubt. But she is no parent to you, Starlight Glimmer. She is more like... a little sister to you. You look out for her, concern yourself with how you will make her feel, endeavor to take care of her. Your efforts are valiant, and you are good for each other. But that is not the relationship of a daughter and her parent.

"But then..." Starlight felt her eyes water. "What is? What do you mean I'm not supposed to think about how I'll make her feel?"

I mean that a parent's happiness should not be their daughter's first and only consideration. In much of the world, children welcome their parents home, present them with flowers or drawings, play games together and tell them they love them before bed. All of these are signs of love, and are very good. But it is not because they do this that their parents love them. It is because their parents love them that they are able to reciprocate this love: not an exchange, but a gift upon which mutual happiness is based. A parent's first concern must be for their children so that those children do not need to bear those concerns themselves.

Starlight's brow shadowed. "And how is anyone supposed to keep me from having worries? You think anyone else here could have stopped the windigoes and saved Ironridge? My friends were all going to die! I had to save them!"

Peace. I speak no ill of Maple. And in your unique situation, there was no way you could have done otherwise. This is what makes things difficult for you. Though a child, you are more powerful than many adults, and that is before being able to tap into harmonic energies and Nightmare Modules that should be the concern of immortals. There is no way any mere pony could protect you in the ways that you protect them. And, lest you forget what Maple's cutie mark did for you in the mines, she is far and away more capable than ordinary folk.

Starlight's ears pressed back. "Then what should she do? What do I do?"

Your situation is unfortunate, but you are not alone. Many children have parents who lack the resources to always keep them safe, especially those who live under war or poverty like in Varsidel. But even if you must fight with your horn and your hooves to keep your loved ones safe, as dictated by circumstance, you can still find someone who will hold you close in matters of the heart. Maple is dependent on you to stay happy, Starlight. This is someone she cannot be. It is good that you can be this for her. But what you need and deserve is someone you are not beholden to, whom you can love out of gratitude alone, and who will listen to you and love you no matter what you do. Someone who is safe for you to ask anything, confess anything to, explore your own heart before and learn and grow as a pony.

Starlight didn't respond.

You are thinking like an adult, balancing your own needs with those of everyone around you. But you are not yet grown up, and missed the opportunity to learn to do this. Adults have had many years of practice, with their own parents covering for their mistakes, or else the world imparting lessons harshly and directly. The world feels fearsome to grown-ups too, but for you, there are that many more dangers and unknowns. You need safety, so that you can take the risks required to grow and not sustain scars from it, more scars like the ones you already bear.

"I still don't understand," Starlight whispered. "How do I find that?"

It is okay not to understand. May I share with you an emotion?

Starlight nodded.

Suddenly, her eyes glazed over as if with a daydream, though she was aware of the flame around her and certain she was still awake. She felt bigger, like an adult mare, and the feel of a fresh breeze wafted across her face. There was a house around her, and a window was open. It was springtime.

Clunk. A door unceremoniously thudded open, and a filly stumbled in, trailing a fountain of tears. Starlight dropped what she was doing and was at the filly's side in a flash... slicing bread for sandwiches, not that it mattered. The filly was a perfect size to pull against her chest. What was wrong?

The filly resisted the hug, staring up with tear-stained eyes that needed to be seen. Her friend was gone. Their house had been locked and dark, an agent with a tie walking away from the porch and casually breaking the news. Moving. She would never see them again.

A spike of righteous sympathy and anger pierced Starlight's heart. How could this have happened without anyone letting her know? She pulled the filly close, and she didn't resist this time, and then she was tucking her into bed at the end of the day. Everything would be alright. The filly believed her, because she had no other choice.

The sun rose. It was a day off, which meant the filly's father would be home and Starlight could do what she must. She rose with the sun, not needing an alarm, and was on a train after talking to the ponies she needed to. She was in the city, looking for an address, a faint pounding in her heart but also confident she had what it took to do what was needed for the ponies she loved. The buildings were tall and the streets confusing, but she persevered.

She was talking to ponies, two parents and a colt. The mother was apologetic. The father was deeply ashamed. The colt was thrilled to see her, but looked like he, too, had been crying. She was invited for tea, sat down and took the time to talk, but what she was really there for was that colt. By the time her visit was up, the colt presented her with an envelope, marked with an address his mother had helped him write.

The train's wheels clattered, and Starlight leaned against a window, watching the sunset as she thought about the way the world was changing. A filly and a stallion welcomed her home, the filly looking slightly better and the stallion with a look that begged her for good news. Starlight knew the filly wouldn't notice, and gave him a reassuring smile.

She sat at a foal-sized desk by a bed, the filly's eyes shining as took out the letter and helped her open it. She read it aloud, nestled side by side, and they hugged, and a tear of her own dripped from Starlight's eyes.

A quill scratched on lined paper, the filly's brow furrowed in concentration. Starlight offered advice, but for the most part, the filly had everything down.

They could visit, right?

Yes. Of course they could.

The ruby flame crackled around her. Feel it. This is what you need.

Starlight was too busy bawling to have any response to give.