Princess Luna, one of Equestria's two reigning monarchs, is trying desperately to hold in amused laughter at Weiss's response to a pony named High-Society preparing to attack him in outright disgust after his introduction to the nobility in her foyer.
"No creature as foul as you should have been allowed to set foot in this hallowed place, prepare to die, creature of darkness!" Prince High-Society shouts, their horn alight with moderately powerful combat magic.
Weiss's expression turns incredulous as his posture changes and he wheezes with laughter. As he laughs, he also whispers his secret words of magic under his breath, Celestia notices.
"What a fool you are. I'm a god-" Weiss blatantly lies.
"-How can you kill a god?" he asks, not bothering to wait for a response as he continues, shaking his head with his face in his palm.
"What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive?" he questions again, simply dodging to the side of High-Society's blast, before the unicorn yanks a dagger from the holster of a nearby guard in an incensed rage, rushing towards the Dark Sage, who plucks the knife out of the air, a wash of black fire banishing the unicorn's telekinetic grip on it.
Weiss admires the dagger. before tossing it back into the incensed noble's grip as they swipe it at him, only to have the blade bounce off Weiss's chest. "There is no escape. No recall or intervention can work in this place," Weiss starts, holding his arms out dramatically as the other nobles inch their way towards Celestia, hoping she will protect them from this odd guest of hers.
"Come, lay down your weapons, it is not too late for my mercy," he finishes, before Celestia groans, walking between the two.
"Mayhaps Lord Weiss Noir's inclusion of air-quotes around our title of Princess was a jest in poor taste, but that doth not warrant assault, Prince High-Society!" Celestia booms, demanding obedience from her unruly pet nobles, all the smart ones bowing on the spot. Even High-Society flinches slightly.
"Are our Equestrian ponies wobbling colts and fillies, resorting to violence in the face of even slight offenses? I say thee neigh!" Celestia booms even louder, taking menacing steps towards the prince, until he bows, trembling.
Weiss shrugs internally. Nobody ever said a country of peace and tolerance needed clean undies.
Celestia turns to him, and his eyebrows raise, before he begins, sweeping his arms out with a lowered head. "Forgive me, your majesty, for the humor of my land is bold, and I have yet to acclimate to the kindness and subtlety of Equestrian dialogue."
Celestia looks very annoyed with Weiss's clear jab at her methods as Luna laughs aloud at the clear sarcasm, but detects the sincere intent in his apology if nothing else.
"Thou art forgiven, Thine Lordship, now let us take leave for a place worthy of our negotiations," Celestia booms softly, before turning and walking off, the Sage cutting High-Society a smug look as he passes, arms crossed behind his back.
High-Society's glare promises at minimum twenty assassination attempts in Weiss's future. No... twenty-two. Just in case.
Celestia scowls now that I'm in her Throne Room properly, giving us time to discuss things before the counsel is brought in to determine the exacting details of the Equestrian/Shadow Realm alliance.
"Must you antagonize every living creature that isn't on fire?" Celestia demands harshly,
I shake my head, tutting. "Princess Celestia, I know you dislike the nobility, but you don't really mean that. Setting them on fire would make the problem worse before it made it better."
She ignores my banter, continuing her vain efforts to get me to act seriously before the rabble comes in to argue with their almighty ruler.
"It is a trial keeping the nobility in line, and they will almost certainly seek your death, now that you've presented your nature to them," Luna interjects warningly.
I smile faintly. "I assure you, it won't be a problem. I've become much harder to slay, recently."
Her eyebrow raises. "Do you genuinely believe that you have a panacea to all that an assassin could ail you with?"
My smug expression intensifies as I open my mouth and let the lies flow. "Well, of course, I've developed a spell that teleports me instantly home whenever anything threatens my life. Unless this era's assassins begin the pursuit of their marks by scouring the planet of all life, I think I'll endure."
Of course, that's a load of horseshit, and I think Celestia knows it too, but I'm not quite ready to let a single living soul know that I've got a body-double spell now that basically negates any sort of risk when I'm participating in garbage like this.
After scrutinizing me for several moments without the inherent ability to detect if I'm lying, Celestia sighs in an unprincessly manner. Luna, however, absolutely detects that I'm as full of it as I am full of myself. In spite of this, she doesn't pursue my bullshit with an accusation of attempting to deceive them.
"Royal Guards of Castle Everfree, allow the council of nobles to enter, for we shalt now accept their participation in the Royal Court!" Princess Celestia demands, prompting the various guards to open the broad, gilded doors of the throne room wide.
I take my place off to the side, sitting on a small wooden bench at Celestia's direction as I put on my three-piece-suit of black and white fire. It's been quite some time since I've touched real wood. Thankfully, it doesn't seem like my hair is going to ignite it any time soon, giving me the impetus to relax slightly as the various nobles shuffle in nervously, looking as pitiful as a puppy that just pissed on the carpet after Celestia's earlier outburst.
"Before Court begins, we shalt begin with the facts. While we are rulers of Equestria, we remain the sole salvation of many ponies beyond her borders. As such, today's session of court wilst be in pursuit of one goal, it shalt begin and end with the matter of a sizable contribution of hay and other vital foodstuffs to the Shadow Realm, to be delivered each month until such time that this contribution is no longer required.
"This act of altruism is not, however, in service to the citizens of the Shadow Realm but rather, to the ponies who will soon be freed into the Shadow Realm's custody, ponies who will for many seasons be unable to contribute to their well being, nor to the country harboring them from Sombra's vile intentions." Celestia finishes, before waving to the Nobles who have nervously taken their seats in the various benches arrayed around the Throne Room, almost like pews.
"We shalt now allowest the floor to pose thine questions, and thine statements."
Immediately, all the nobles sitting in the room begin barking out demands and denouncements in unison, prompting Luna to hold up a hoof that silences them.
"We. Do. Not. Heed. Baying.
"You will speak as ponies, you foals." Luna demands, making them quiet down until they amass their whining into the body of a single pony. Oh, goodie, it seems they've chosen High-Society as their spokespony.
I resist the urge to roll my eyes as I use a homeward portal to drop a pile of folders into my hands, flipping through the files I had printed on our current economic situation and needs.
It's honestly a bit embarrassing, but I had to invent a way to put things from the Arcana Nox onto physical paper, considering my assumption that ponies outside the Shadow Realm might not have reacted well to our holograms.
The method I ultimately went with is to replace the illusion charm in a hologram projector with a liquid-suspending telekinesis charm, effectively replacing the dots of light with dots of ink.
I idly listen to High-Society rant about how the Shadow Realm is a complete unknown that they've only just learned about today, and how my example clearly marks my entire people as slavering mutated beasts, unfit for anything but chains and imprisonment for my disrespect, blah blah blah.
Seriously, these guys are acting like children! I shudder to think just how poorly Celestia and Luna could have mismanaged Equestria to let these clowns have a say in anything.
The Princesses take this all in stride, though Luna is clearly far more skilled at composing herself, compared to her sister.
Not their expressions, the two of them have been stone-faced this entire time, no, I mean more in their response. I'm honestly ashamed to say I didn't see it coming at all when Celestia calmly picks High-Society up by his tail and flings him bodily out of the courtroom.
"We apologize dearly, but we wouldst have a pony of greater decorum present thine arguments, ye nobles," Princess Celestia demands with a stomp of her hoof.
Honestly, I don't blame her, it would be a good idea to steal if my office had windows. I guess if anyone pops up in the Shadow Realm with aspirations of nobility, I've got a role-model to look to for how to deal with them.
I'll have to install windows in my office just for throwing ponies out of at some point.
The second noble steps up to the chopping block, a pegasus mare this time, nervously collating a pile of dry and cracked parchment that had been hastily covered in talking points by the other nobles.
"Your majesties, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, I have with me here a short list of questions, concerns that the council has with your meeting with the pony known as Weiss Noir-" Ooh, she just snubbed me, I think, not including the "Lord."
I think, anyway, I'm not one-hundred percent on ancient pony politics. I'll just put on my best grumpy face and hope for the best.
"In spite of your trust, we feel that even in an emergency as you have presented it, simply supplying free goods to this unknown country is a vastly unwise course of action. We know not the nature of their ponies, we know nothing of their ruler, save his behavior thus far, we know nothing of what purpose this food serves, and what purpose it serves Equestria to share of our surplus with this unknown fief."
Ooh, I think that was another snub, calling the Shadow Realm a "Fief". 'Scathing, simply scathing,' I chuckle internally, adjusting my tie.
Princess Luna turns to address me. "Lord Weiss Noir, wouldst thou ease the minds of our ponies with some short description of thy Realm, in thine own words?"
She instantly regrets her words when she sees the gleam in my eye, but I manage to restrain myself just in time to adjust my tie one final time, summoning up a pair of reading glasses that do absolutely nothing but give me an air of refinement.
"Of course, your majesty, though I would preface my words with due warning, I am proud of what I have wrought. I fear this may tint my recounting ever so slightly," I say, preparing my files and holding them in front of me as if to read off of.
She motions for me to continue.
"This land is peaceful, it's inhabitants kind," I start, waving my hand as vague sparkles appear, forming a hologram depicting the Shadow Realm from above, a glittering landscape of embers, with rivers of glowing metal and trees of polished obsidian.
I stand up, walking into the middle of the room as I begin my monologue, the holographic screen following me as I do. "My kingdom's name is the Shadow Realm. It is just over one year old.
"This kingdom lies in the outskirts of the Crystal Empire's borders, surrounding it entirely in various underground cells, where the large regions of ashes and fire are."
"It currently brokers no alliances with other sovereign nations," I look pointedly at the crowd of nobility, before continuing, pacing the room ponderously and gesturing as the holographic screen changes, showing live feeds of ponies peddling wares, eating in restaurants, and working in various labor jobs.
"I work as Lord and Master for the Shadow Realm's day-to-day management, and I get home every day by Eight-PM at the latest. Most of us don't like smoking, but the Longma have been known to occasionally drink. Most of us are in bed by Eleven-PM, and I try to make sure everyone can get eight hours of sleep, no matter what," I go on to claim, the screen displaying large rows of text detailing the various rulings and labor laws that have emerged since the creation of the Arcana Liber.
By now, the entire crowd of nobles, who had previously been mumbling and discussing idly among themselves, have now fallen silent, watching the display with varying degrees of shock.
I move on to the farms, demonstrating the gigantic underground and aboveground crystal farms that supply massive amounts of food to the Realm. "After ensuring everyone has access to warm food and ample exercise, we usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, we wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning."
At this, the various forms of combat sport are shown briefly, ponies with pleased expressions beating one another up in large arenas, covered in padding and with referees as intensive as any other fancy sport.
The nobles gasp in disgust before I shut them up by changing the screen to still images of my standing army, rows and rows of soldiers in thick mechanized armor, wielding gigantic metal lances. In the background, shadowed mecha can be seen just barely in the faint light.
"I was told there were no issues with our military or defenses at my last check-up," I grin disarmingly at their dropped jaws.
I go on to shrug slightly, my head down and my eyes closed peacefully. "I'm trying to explain that the Longma are a people who wish to live very interesting lives."
"We take care not to trouble ourselves by making new enemies. Like waiting and worrying, they would cause us to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with my society, and I know that is what brings us happiness. Although, if we were to fight we wouldn't lose to anypony."
Celestia looks utterly befuddled, while Luna has already watched the show with me at one point, and is chuckling uncontrollably as she recognizes the speech for what it is.
"We thank thee, Lord Weiss. We believe that to be more than suitable to introduce our ponies to thy wondrous realm," Luna says, restraining herself admirably in order to deliver the brief statement relieving me of the floor.
I take my seat with my arms crossed and my head held high.
Hours later, the nobles are too stunned from my little show to resist Celestia and Luna working together to quench their mad opposition to our plans.
It's so satisfying, it almost makes up for me being shot in the chest by a cloaked pony with a crossbow as soon as I walk out of the castle gates.
"My word, those assassins work fast..!" I state simply, the dull pain in my chest rapidly increasing as the shock wears off.
Before everything goes black, I take note of the crossbow bolt's curved, ornate look, black metal carved into swirling artistic wires that glow with hidden enchantments.
I jerk awake in my room, as though what just happened had been nothing but a bad dream.
With a smirk, I create another Shadow Clone, my real body blacking out as I take control of it.
"You know, it's strange, but I actually liked the old clone better," I say softly to myself, rotating one of my shoulders as if to stretch out some strain.
"Ahh, well, I'll just have to break it in."
Calmly walking down the hall to the Fast Travel Station, through the portal to Equestria, and down to the castle grounds where Celestia is desperately casting spells trying to reform the smoke my clone burst into, I wave merrily to Luna and the rest of the shocked ponies, while various guards scramble, trying to find the assassin in question.
"Honestly, a pony uses his emergency teleport, and everyone loses their heads," I state, before Celestia grabs me around the neck, flaming eyes boring into mine.
"Fool! If thou hast such a spell, inform us of its properties, instead of simply bursting into dead fumes!" Celestia bellows, tossing me aside as I flip in the air to land easily.
"Aww, you really do care, your majesty," I say easily, brushing myself off before a quickly mumbled "Force Daemon" creates an invisible creature that snatches the assassin's next bolt out of the air and tracks it's trajectory automatically back to them before they can disappear again.
I thrust a hand out towards the foe, whispering another Vance. "X-Zone."
With that, twin portals catch the pony by the legs before they can slip back into the underbrush, dragging them out before seemingly consuming their entire body.
I pull the sphere of warped space towards me, turning to the Princesses as I casually hold my hand out with the distorted ball hovering above it. "I've found the problem. Would you like to try them, or shall I judge them myself?"
Princess Luna steps forward confidently, speaking in a low tone. "I believe it would be best if Equestria saw to their interrogation. We have been working hard to quench this behavior, and their knowledge will serve that purpose."
I dump the screaming, falling pony onto the ground, where they land in a heap before several guards tackle them. Oof, I find myself sympathizing with their pained groans. Nobody likes to be tackled by a literal ton of heavily armored stallions.
"I leave them in your capable hooves, your majesty," I bow slightly.
"Don't be a stranger, I expect wonders between our people," I wave easily, trotting back home with a song in my heart and a bounce in my step.
Seems like Ancient Equestria is a lot more fucking metal than I remember it from the show. It took like two hours for those nobles to call a hit on me, and they were all in one room the whole time, that's some speedy work when you don't have a phone or something.
"I don't got to tell you anything, little pony freaks," Steel Driver says when Helmsplitter walks into the prison. His arms are crossed as he sits in the middle of a thick steel cell.
Helmsplitter shakes their head. "I'm here to tell you something. Did you know you've got a mind control crystal implanted in your chest?"
With that, an X-ray is shown to the Minotaur, whose expression shifts, first to shock, then to guarded skepticism.
"Why should I believe that? I think I would know if that were the case," they argue, snarling slightly.
Helmsplitter shakes their head. "This isn't an attempt to make you give up information. This is effectively a warning. If your crystal activates, we'll be sedating you until we either find a solution to free you...
"Or you die."
Steel Driver swallows heavily. "Why are you telling me this? It's not like I can bust out of here or something."
Helmsplitter responds blandly, as if reading off a report on grain shipments. "I'm informing you so that, if you have any family, we can inform them of the matter."
The minotaur pauses, before shaking their heads. "No, I don't. I've just been doing this for the easy money."
Helmsplitter nods. "If you change your mind, Lord Weiss Noir has told me to offer your next of kin a payment to help tide them over, in spite of your attempts to slaughter innocent civilians."
Steel Driver snorts. "Mighty kind of him. If I ever get out of here, I won't forget it. Only reason I won't swear it is cause I know full well my word is worth spit."
Helmsplitter nods, before the door he came in through opens, allowing a pony to bring in a tray of food.
"You've got one other option. I won't take your answer now, but if you accept, we can use you as the first test," Helmsplitter states, while the minotaur chugs down watered-down beer and shoves crystal rolls into his mouth.
Swallowing the food like a pony-possessed, the Minotaur smirks. "Use me as the guinea pig, eh? Whatever, my life ain't worth spit either. Do whatever you want."
The captain nods. "Lord Weiss Noir will not forget that. And I won't either."
With that, the captain and the food-courier leave the room, allowing the minotaur to stew in his own mistakes.
Princess Luna arrives in person to the sight of me meditating in front of the Kingdom Heart.
"Ahh, Luna, it's good to see you again so soon. How did the rabble enjoy my presentation?"
Luna sighs, a thump ringing out as she sits down next to me, staring into the inky depths of the black flames. "They're out for blood, but they won't oppose the shipments. Celestia threatened to cease taxation altogether if they kept opposing her.
"You need to take care, Weiss, you're making enemies in Equestria. I cannot protect you from them, so you need to protect yourself."
I nod, taking her words seriously. It takes a hell of a weapon to pierce through all of my passive defenses like that crossbow bolt did.
"I've been making headway on that. I've got limits, but those limits are shrinking by the week. Every dark spell that falls into my hands, they're helping to make everyone safer. And hopefully happier," I say, holding out a hand that rapidly turns from it's ivory coloration to a dark luster as the skin smokes slightly and I wince at the pain.
"I call it the Color of Arms. It should make me far more durable, once I master it."
She looks me in the eye, hard. "Your emergency teleport spell. That was a lie, was it not?"
I nod, knowing full well how futile it would be to try and bluff her. "Don't tell anyone. Please. If I had a spell like that, I'd put it on everyone I know. You know that."
"Why hide what you are capable of? You're trying to cultivate the image of divinity. Wouldn't countless powers attributed to you help in that falsehood?" Luna asks, failing to comprehend the nature of my deceptions.
I shake my head. "Not at all. I'm trying to appear as though I'm cultivating that image, Luna. Among my enemies, there are fools and geniuses. I want the fools to cower, because if they mass together, they would throw themselves at me without a second thought, and that would waste my time."
I shudder slightly, before I continue, holding out my hands to the flame for warmth. "But the geniuses, I want them to believe that I'm a fool. I want them to believe that I'm nothing but hollow tricks, with nothing further up my sleeves than what I use in my act."
"Anyone who knows everything I can do could try to do it themselves. My secrets protect me, yes, but they protect everyone else too. Imagine if every fool had all of my power and none of my temperance.
"Endless armies of mutated thugs, cheating and slaying, all using my most powerful techniques. I wouldn't be able to do anything about it."
"But more frighteningly than all of that, what of the geniuses? What of the creatures of the world who are my better, in strength and intelligence? What if a single pony like Sombra had all of my power-multipliers? All of my dirty tricks and forbidden techniques?"
Luna's wing falls over my back as the Kingdom Heart reflects in my eyes. "This world might just burn for somepony like that."
"I understand, Weiss. I wish it were not as you say, and I may disagree with what you are doing, but I won't begrudge you your secrets. Even if none of that were true," she begins.
"I can see how cultivating mystique comforts you in the position you are in," she finishes, allowing the mood to slip into silence as we stare into the fire.