At nighttime, Ponyville seemed like a ghost town.
There were no ponies wandering the streets. All the shops were closed, and all the houses were dark as their residents settled in for a good night’s sleep. Everything was quiet, except for the soft cooing of owls and the wind blowing through the trees.
And the two drunken stallions, of course.
Flam and Shining Armor had successfully caught the train and taken the short ride to Ponyville, and were now staggering through the town, loudly talking and laughing.
“One time,” Shining giggled, his words slurred, “I accidentally left Flurry Heart under my bed when the wife and I were having a romantic night.”
“Oooo!” Flam laughed, nearly tripping over a flowerpot. “Thank Celestia she won’t remember that!”
“Keep it down out there!” a mare yelled from second-story window. “Some of us are trying to sleep!”
“Well, some of us are trying to awake, so deal with it!” Shining shouted back, sassily shaking his head at her. The mare groaned, then slammed the window.
Flam and Shining burst into another fit of chuckles.
“You sure showed that mare who’s boss!” Flam said. “You’re amazing, dude. I’m so glad I met you.”
“I’m so glad I met you!” Shining replied. “Who needs a Cadance when you’ve got a Flam? I don’t think I’m going to be that bad off when she breaks up with me.”
Flam’s face suddenly lit up. “Here's an idea. Why don’t you break up with her first? Save yourself the drama, man.”
Shining gasped. “That’s an incredible idea! Once she’s gone, you and I will be able to spend way more time together.” He hugged Flam, and the stallion blushed. “Wow, you’re so smart.”
“I’m hammered, that’s what I am.” He paused. “Wait, why are we in Ponyville again?”
“To kidnap Apple Bloom and get that crazy stalker Applejack out of your life!” Shining reminded. “If I remember correctly, Sweet Apple Acres is thataway.” He pointed toward the bowling alley, which seemed to be one of the few places that was still open.
“That’s not an apple farm,” Flam scoffed. “Clearly, I’m the brains of this operation.”
“It’s not a farm, but it is a place where we can get more booze,” Shining laughed. He grabbed the other stallion’s hoof, and both of their faces turned red. After a moment of looking into each other’s eyes, he pulled Flam toward the building. “Come on, pal! The night is young!”
“Woo-hoo!”
Similar to Ponyville, Sweet Apple Acres looked uninhabited. There were no ponies working the night shift on the farm, so the massive fields of trees were completely silent and empty.
Before arriving, Shining Armor and Flam had polished off another hard cider each, and were barely able to walk without tripping or falling onto each other.
“We made it,” Flam yawned, leaning against an apple tree. “What do now?”
Shining Armor observed his surroundings, and his eyes gravitated toward the giant red farmhouse. “I’m gonna guess the Apples are inside. We sneak in, grab Apple Bloom, and bolt outta there.” Flam nodded, and the two mosied their way to the front door. Shining tried pulling it open, but it wouldn’t budge. “Why isn’t this working?!”
He kept pulling and pulling, until his strength tore the knob right off, leaving a big hole in the wooden door. Flam and him looked at the broken entryway in silent shock and horror.
“I think it was a push door,” Flam said eventually.
“No, the last time I was here, it was definitely a pull door,” Shining Armor whined. “Why did they have to change the door? It was a perfectly good door!!!”
Hearing Shining Armor’s shouts, a dog started barking from inside.
“A dog?!” Flam gasped. “I didn't sign up for a dog!”
“We have to keep it quiet!” Shining said, angrily pushing the door open and trotting in, the other stallion beside him. “What keeps a dog silent for a really long time?”
Flam thought. “My first thought doesn't seem very practical or appropriate, unless we have a change of clothes.”
“I’m not wearing any clothes,” the prince pointed out.
“Okay, so, new plan.”
A door creaked from another room, and the slow treading of hoof steps against the wooden floor neared the stallions.
“Somepony’s coming!” Flam whispered, accompanied with a blech. “What do we do?! What do we do?!” He started pacing, but in his intoxicated state, didn't process the chair in front of him and fell right over it, banging into a counter and knocking a plate onto the floor, which shattered into pieces.
“Make more noise, apparently,” Shining grunted. The hoof steps drew closer, increasing in speed and frequency. “We gotta hide! Quick! Get in the closet!”
“Noooo!” Flam moaned. “I spent so much of my youth in the closet! I don’t wanna go back in!”
Shining Armor shook his head and grabbed onto Flam’s shirt, pulling him into a closet and shutting the door behind them. The small room was a tight squeeze for the stallions, who were squished together side by side, surrounded by an abundance of bows and hats.
“Who needs this much head clothing?” Shining Armor asked, rubbing against the fabric. “Although, it’s so comfortable. So soft…” He started massaging what was against his hoof, which turned out to be Flam’s flank.
“Aww, yeah, that’s the spot,” the stallion purred, stretching his legs. “Keep going… Don’t stop…”
Shining Armor giggled and used his other hoof to pick up a rodeo hat and put it on Flam’s horn. “Hey, you look great in that!”
The mustached stallion blushed, and grabbed a bow. “And you look great in this!” he chuckled, wrapping it around Shining’s head.
The two kept laughing, as their muzzles slowly inched closer and closer together.
Big Mac walked into his living room, having been woken up by Winona’s rapid barking. His eyes were barely open, and all he could think about was sleep. He yawned, then walked over to the barking dog, putting his hoof over her mouth to silence her.
He started walking back to his room, but noticed the broken plate on the ground. Groaning, the stallion grabbed a nearby broom and dustpan, and started sweeping up the remains. After a minute, however, he began hearing a low moaning noise from the closet.
“Anypony there?” Big Mac called out, clutching onto the broom. When he got no response, he took a deep breath, then opened the closet door.
There was nothing inside but the many hats and bows his sisters wore. He thought he heard something similar to the sound of a kiss, but shrugged it off, thinking he was just paranoid from his exhaustion. He shut the door, turned away, and went back into his room to continue his slumber.
Shining Armor and Flam hadn’t even noticed him.
The two were leaning on the back of the closet, completely covered by the sea of headgear. They stared at each other, eyes wide open and faces completely red.
They both burst out laughing.
“Man, my wife wouldn’t be too thrilled with that,” Shining heartily laughed. “But me? I’m exhilarated!”
“Blueblood’s party has nothing on us!” Flam cheered, pushing the door open. “Come on, pal! Let’s go kidnap a filly!”
“Woo-hoo!”
Apple Bloom was peacefully sleeping in her bed, quietly snoring. Perhaps she was dreaming of her next adventure with the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Perhaps she was dreaming about farming with Applejack and Big McIntosh. Perhaps she was dreaming of spending time with Grand Pear.
Regardless, she was completely unaware of the two stallions staring over her.
“We did it!” Flam whispered, raising a triumphant hoof in the air. However, he could hardly balance on his other three legs and nearly fell over. “Now what do?”
“I dunno,” Shining admitted, scratching his head. “Do we just carry her outside?”
“Nah, somepony might see us. We need to find a way to hide and carry her at the same time. Like, stuffing her in a box or sumthin’.”
Shining Armor’s face lit up. “Or a suitcase! Cadance just went shopping with Twily and bought a bunch of those. I’ll head to the Empire, grab one, and we’ll shove her right in! Easy-peasy.”
“But how are you gonna get there?” Flam asked.
“Teleportation, duh,” Shining Armor replied. “I’ve never tried teleporting while drunk before, but c’mon. What could possibly go wrong?”
“We are such responsible adults.”
Shining Armor’s horn began to glow. “You tie her up or something while I’m gone. I’ll be back in, like, two minutes.”
Flam nodded, and with a blink of his eye, the prince was gone.
Shining Armor appeared inside a toilet.
All four of his hooves were immersed in water, and his body was stuck in the round bowl. He tried to squeeze himself out, but ultimately fell forward, smashing his nose into the crystalline floor.
“Owww,” he moaned, slowly getting up onto his hooves. “Note to self: drunken teleportation is a big no-no.”
He walked out of the bathroom, and found himself in his castle, as he had hoped. Though heavily inebriated, he somewhat remembered the layout of his home, and walked through it in his drunken stupor.
The unicorn made his way to his bedroom, and peeked inside the door. Lying on the bed was Princess Cadance, sleeping with a baby monitor next to her.
Why don’t you break up with her first? Save yourself the drama, man.
Flam’s words echoed in Shining Armor’s head as he stared at his wife. As he walked into the room, he opened up a drawer, and levitated out a quill and some paper. He quickly and quietly scribbled a note to his beloved, then grabbed three suitcases to try out. Placing the note in their place and nodding his head, the stallion’s horn began to glow once again, and he disappeared.
Apple Bloom was not cooperating with Flam.
As the stallion tried to bound and gag the filly using a pillowcase and a lasso he found under the bed, she kept adjusting her position in her sleep, making it very difficult to successfully tie her up.
“Stupid baby Applejack,” Flam grumbled, accidentally knotting the rope around his hoof. “Stop moving!”
As he muttered to himself, Apple Bloom yawned, and slowly began opening her eyes. “...Applejack?” she lazily asked, rubbing her face. “What are you--”
Her eyes locked onto Flam’s, and for a split second, the two looked at each other in horror. The beating of both of their hearts echoed in the silence. Apple Bloom opened her mouth to scream.
Flam blasted her in the face with magic.
The filly was forced back onto her pillow, knocked unconscious by the blow. Flam took his hoof and clamped it over his mouth. He couldn’t take his eyes off the pony.
Just then, Shining Armor popped back into the room.
“I did the thing,” he slurred, leaning on Flam’s back. “Hey, look at me! I teleported to the right place this time! Best drunken teleporter ever!” He looked at Apple Bloom, and noticed a small burn mark on her face. “Hey, what happened here?”
“I killed her,” Flam gasped, frozen.
“What.”
“She woke up, I panicked, and I killed her,” Flam repeated. “It was an accident, I swear!” He began sobbing. “Why is the world so cruel to upstanding gentlecolts like me? I JUST WANTED TO TIE HER UP AND RANSOM HER OFF! Is that too much for a stallion to ask?!”
“It’s okay,” Shining Armor said, rubbing the stallion’s back to calm him down. “I’ve got you, Flam. I know exactly what to do. This isn’t my first time hiding a body.”
Flam looked at him with wide, hopeful eyes. “Really?”
“Yup,” Shining affirmed. His ears perked up. “Ooo, hey! I have an idea! How about we drop her into the fountain on the front lawn of Blueblood’s mansion?”
Flam gasped. “You mean, frame him?!”
“Yeah! It’s the perfect payback!” He began laughing maniacally. “We get no punishment, and we get to watch and laugh as his world falls to pieces!” He burst into manic giggles. “Serves him right for sucking so hard!”
The two laughed, and began tying up the filly together, too wasted to notice that she was only unconscious and still breathing. Once her legs were bound with rope and she was gagged with the pillow case, Shining Armor stuffed her into the pink suitcase.
The prince clapped his hooves together. “Drunken teleportation to Canterlot?”
“You don’t have to ask me twice!”
In a flash, the three suitcases, the two stallions, and the one filly vanished into thin air.
Shining Armor and Flam landed in a tree next to Blueblood’s estate.
Luckily, since his party was still going on, the mansion was empty, meaning nopony was around to see the two stallions fall out of a branch onto the lawn.
“Oof…” Flam moaned, rolling on the grass. “That one hurt. I feel sick.”
“Me too,” Shining Armor replied, slowly making his way onto his hooves. He coughed, then ran over to Blueblood’s fountain. Leaning over the side, he threw up. Flam came up next to him and did the same.
“Blegh,” he gagged, staring at his reflection in the murky water. “I don’t think I can party like I used to.”
“Me neither,” Flam agreed, turning around and leaning his back on the fountain. “I think tonight was both great and awful at the same time. Meeting you was great. Kissing you was great. Murdering Apple Bloom? Not great.”
Shining Armor nodded his head in silence. “I wrote Cadance a break up letter,” he eventually blurted out. “Our marriage is over. Guess that means you and I can be together now.”
“I can’t tell if it's the drunkenness talking, but I think I really want that,” Flam replied, beaming.
The two smiled at each other, then levitated the suitcase between them. In silence, they opened it up, and stared at the “dead” filly. However, right as they were about to pick her up, she rolled onto her side.
“SHE’S ALIVE!” both stallions screamed.
“I’m not a murderer!” Flam cheered, getting up and jumping up to click his hooves together. He missed and fell onto the ground.
Shining Armor was frowning. “This is good news and all, but how are we going to get revenge on Blueblood now?” he sighed, leaning his head back. “He needs to know he sucks hard.”
Flam laughed. “The puke in the fountain should cover it.”
Shining Armor turned around. Sure enough, the fountain looked disgusting, no longer in the pristine condition Blueblood had left it in. He grinned and gave Flam a hoof bump, and the two of them rolled onto the grass.
“So I guess we’re back to the original plan,” Shining said. “Know what? Let’s get a hotel room. Spend the night together.”
“Ooo, yes,” Flam giggled, patting the stallion’s back. “Since we don’t have to worry about Apple Bloom for a while, we should just hang out! We can get some drinks, write some ransom notes, chill…”
“Sounds like a perfect night.”
The two stallions smiled at each other one last time, and with the glow of Shining Armor’s horn, they were gone.