"Take it back, Anon!"
"Never! Your fruit sucks and your accent sucks!"
Another hoof to the gut, that really fucking hurt.
You retaliate by side-stepping her second swing, and throwing an uppercut under her barrel.
That has her reeling. It feels amazing.
"Just accept that bananas are superior to apples, and we can move on with our day!"
"Never! I would be tarnishing mah family's honour if ah let you get away with that!"
She tries to tackle you, but you sidestep her again.
You hear a snort, and turn just in time to see her charging up a speed-dash.
Yeah, you're not dodging that.
You raise your arms, and widen your stance.
It's too late, and you're spread out too wide. She hits your hands and head, officially starting the best fight you've had in a long while.
She keeps the momentum going as you lie on the ground in debatable agony, but you know better than to get up and let her give you another good hit on the noggin'.
So instead, she has to slow herself down to try and climb onto you.
Big mistake.
You have a battle-toned hissy-fit at exactly the right time to not only throw AJ off of you, but to also give her a nasty few slaps.
Sure, it was just the kind that leaves a red mark, but it'd do.
You were the master of hissy-fits.
Nobody could prove you wrong.
"Get up applejack! You can do it, go get im'!"
Nobody asked you, Rainbow. Literally nobody did.
That's why you're not tagged.
Ah shit, you forgot that friendship is literally power or something here.
AJ's already ready to go by the time you're barely on your feet.
"Hey, Rainbow!"
She doesn't respond, but you know she's listening.
"Go be gay somewhere else! This is between me and her!"
You hear denial-horse-noises in the corner for a bit, before you hear the sounds of retreating I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
Okay, great. Oldest trick in the book. Still works on her.
Ah shit, AJ looks pissed.
"And now you do... that to my friends! Why I oughta-"
"She really needed the reality check, don't deny it."
"Why ah' knew that Anon, ahm not an idiot. She bleeds those vibes."
"Okay, great. Glad to have you as an ally there. Back to the fight?"
"For a bit, I've got ta' get back to the farm later."
"Okay, great. Still, don't go for the legs?"
"If ye could, it'd be much 'preciated."
"Great."
Suddenly, you both scream and charge at each other. Your arms are raised for the greatest swing of the century, and she's getting ready to headbutt you into oblivion.
You're not going down without a fight, though. Or three.
While she gets you straight in the chest, you manage to retaliate with a good ol' kick n' swat in the side, sending you both twirling off to the side.
"Good hit!"
"I'd tell ya' the same, if it weren't so hard to breathe, Anon!"
"Heheheh, that's called being the weird silent kid at the back of the class that secretly hissy-fitted himself into strength territory!"
"I'll pretend to know what you mean."
"That's the best option, or at least that's what everyone tells me."
You recover from the spin, and throw all your weight at Applejack. She manages to recover just enough to put a hoof out, but the pain in your gut is nothing compared to the pain of your combined weight on her back.
... Alright, you probably should've gone lighter on the cheetos but-
You take a moment too long to self-deprecate yourself, and she manages to wiggle her hind-hooves under you.
You desperately try and hissy-fit yourself out again, but she's too quick for your honed freak-out muscles, and sends you flying anyways.
That's not even an exaggeration, you're now stuck in the branches of an apple tree.
If the gods could say 'finish him'...
AJ has the biggest grin on her face as she moves over to your tree, and prepares to cause you terminal everything-damage.
"Take. It. Back."
"Fuck you, bananas are great! The best of anything, even when they're not quite ripe!"
That look.
That's the look of 'you're bout' to die, pardner.'
Wiggle-Anon, in attack mode!
You're making progress, but AJ's slowly catching onto it.
She's getting ready to strike.
You're going to die very hard. Or at least, your precious bananas will be forsaken.
You couldn't let that last thing happen.
You sacrifice wiggle-Anon, fist-Anon, and kick-Anon, to bring out the combined power of precious-bananers-Anon!
You let out a mighty battle-cry, and force your weight downwards.
The branch taking the most of your weight snaps like a twig, and you go down.
It had a few apples on it though, and you're 90% sure that AJ is going to stab you after this.
Eh, all good things come through sacrifice.
The moment you hit the ground, you force yourself onto your feet and into a fake martial-arts pose.
AJ looks absolutely stunned at your masterful escape, and tenses a bit at your absolutely-perfect-and-not-fake-at-all-starting-now martial-arts pose.
"Back down, AJ. I have bananas in my veins, and they give me the power to do battle this day."
AJ's eyes narrow, and she gets ready to charge again. She called your bluff.
"You have one chance to back down, child of the apples. Lay down your arms before I unleash the power of precious-bananers-Anon!"
She does the weird bull thing, and kicks up some dirt as she gets ready to charge.
You chicken out, and run like a pussy like a professional behind the largest tree you can find.
Yeah, you need to fix your stance. Nobody was going to believe you when your legs were turned in.
Where's Iro when you need him?
Regardless, AJ's still going, and trying to circle around your tree.
You channel your inner hermit-crab, and copy her movements through sidesteps.
You can feel her frustration growing, and it only fuels your amusement.
Truly, this is the greatest moment ever conceived.
...
"ANON! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"
Ah shit, it's she-who-shall-not-be-tagged, again. You're fucked.
She stops right in front of your face though, and just keeps following you as you hermit around.
"I went to Soarin and he told me that I'm definitively not gay! So ha! I win this round!"
"Did the 'no' get followed by a 'but if you ask me...' because he's super gay, last time I checked. A definite opinion you go to for something like that..."
Rainbow looks ready to implode.
You, on the other hand, have a massive shit-eating grin on your face.
"H-how did you know?!"
"Because I'm psychic."
...
"Just kidding! I just have very good intuition."
None of those ponies were going to understand that, but fuck them anyways.
It was funny enough to see Rainbow reel back when you said you're psychic, though.
Less so when she gets really angry again, and tries to charge you.
You duck in time to let her hit the tree, but it makes you stop. In particular, it makes you stop long enough that dashing towards the next tree is a necessary action to avoid the heat-seeking apple-pone of death.
"Suck it, tomboy! You thought you had me fooled, getting that fake boyfriend once! Go be gay somewhere else! You can eye-up the apple-flavoured goods some other time!"
The sound of retreating gayness fills your soul with happiness once again.
Unluckily for you, it fills you with enough happiness that you don't realize that AJ started going in the other direction.
She charges straight into your chest, and has you pinned on the ground.
"Ah... ah caught ya!"
"Never speak when you can go for the kill!"
Her eyes widen as she comes to realize she's in the exact same position she had you in earlier. Legs and all.
Not being a hypocrite (but also feeling sad that you aren't saying some cool catchphrase,) you launch her into the air, using your definitive bigger-than-them monkey-powers to send her into another tree nearby.
"You forget Applejack, bananas are in my genes, and the trees are my realm."
She's entering the realm of 'I regret everything,' but you will take no such defeat.
"And as such, I shall demonstrate my power over them."
You raise a fist, and get ready to hit the tree that AJ is in.
She made the ultimate mistake of showing you where to hit them, that one time out in the field when she needed help.
"A... Anon, you don't have to do this! There's room for more than one fruit in the kingdom!"
"No, Applejack. Multiple things in first place diminish the impact of first place. It causes a societal rot that-"
"Oh for pete's sake Anon, just hit the tree! Ah don't want to hear another one of your political rants!"
Ouch, that hurt.
"Fine then, fuck you!"
You hit the tree, and a torrent of apples falls out.
You hit it again, and a bruised Applejack falls out.
You hit a third time, and leaves fall to create a dramatic scene.
You walk over to her defeated form and crouch next to her, lightly plucking the hat from her head.
"You can earn this back, but you know what you have to do."
The Indiana Jones in her veins puts a look of terror on her face.
"Admit defeat, and forsake the worst fruit. Become a disciple of the bananas."
You silently reach into you back-pocket, which had a banana in it all this time.
Secretly, though. Stop asking questions.
"Ah... Ah can't do it! Not even for a family heirloom!"
"Then die with your people."
You slam the banana into her cheek, letting its pure essence flow into her veins, then turn to walk off.
You adorn your new trophy of war.
"Jeez Anon, that was a lot harder than last time!"
"Sorry, got caught up in the moment."
"Ah understand, I do it all the time with Mac'. When can I get the hat back, though?"
"Eh, a week. It's sunny out."
"Got it, I'll tell Rarity."
"Mhmm, have fun."
And with victory, you walk off into the sunset.