Confessions of a Lone Vagabond

by Azure5555

Duel 00 Pt5: The Cattleprod

“You know, if you let me go, I can fly on my own.” I said as I dangled underneath my rainbow maned captor.

“Fat chance! You'd just fly off to that castle you made!” She replied.

“I mean, you're not wrong, but I did lose…” I relented.

“Yeah what's up with that?” Rainbow asked a little miffed. “Pinkie said you were gonna be crazy hard to beat, I mean I'm not complaining, but still.”

“I didn't think you'd have an actual deck, I honestly thought you were running Madolche. Why? Did you want an actual match?” I asked, still dangling.

I lurched as she stopped mid flight. “You mean you weren't even trying!?” She yelled into my face.

“I didn't think I had too, but that was my bad I guess. Sorry for not giving it my all.” I replied, I mean I felt a little bad.

She considered me for a moment until she huffed and looked away. “You better be, I’m not gonna let you give me a half baked fight again, hear me!?”

“Yeah…” She was surprisingly strong as she actually managed to fly us all the way to the apple orchard where AJ, Pinkie, and AJ’s brother… oh shit.

I touched down on land and immediately flinched under Applejack’s disapproving glare. “Just what in tarnation was goin’ through yer thick skull, Vincent?”

I stammered and tried to plead my case, but that glare she held just made me shrink. “Ah don't wanna hear it!” Shit, she can kill a man with that stare. Course, she seemed to regret it as she immediately flinched from the outburst. Her ears flattened backwards and her eyes started to shine with guilt.

“Aw shucks sugarcube, ah didn't mean nothin by that…” She stepped over to the side calmly and slowly. “It's just, we were all mighty scared for ya.”

“Eeyup.” Big Red replied.

I was a little put off and my mouth sort of hung open until Pinks slammed into me and toppled me into the ground. Her hair was flat and she was… crying.

“I… I-thought-I'd-never-see-you-again-because-you-just-left-and-I-thought-you-didn't-like-me-anymore-and-I-heard-you’re-house-burned-down-and-I-was-super-worried-and-”

“Diane,” Pinks flinched and looked up at me, her baby blue eyes wide, red, and glistening. “I’m okay. I have a castle now. I might need to break it in with a party?” She went wide eyed as I probably just opened the floodgates with this one, but her mane popped back into shape. Eh, I call it a win.

She gave me one last tear filled hug as she zoomed away at the speed of pink.

“What's that about a castle?” AJ asked, her curiosity and fear more than piqued.

“Huh, yeah… I kinda found that forbidden castle in the forest and made it my home.” I should not have said that.

“Y’ALL DID WHAT!?” Okay, back to being afraid now. “Iff’n ya think I’mma just let a friend a mine live in some haunted castle riddled with more holes an a wheel a swiss than y’all must not know me very much!” She proclaimed as she got very intimate with my face, her nose scrunched against mine and her eyes tried to burn holes through my own.

“I mean I fixed it, tell em Danger.” I looked back and found that Rainbow clocked out quite some time ago.

“No. A hundred times no. Tomorrow we’re goin down ta city hall and we are gonna have a nice conversation with Mayor Mare, am Ah clear?” Applejack seemed to insist as she invaded my personal space.

“I guess, but I need to get home-urp!” Two sets of rope wrapped around me as I was haphazardly man handled onto Big Red.

“Yer a real laugh riot, Vincent. Already told ya Ah ain’t lettin ya live in the Everfree all on your lonesome,” She started to walk back to her house, her brother following suit and with me in tow. “We can put ya in the guest room, Big Mac, don't go easy on the rope.”

“Eeyup.” Red replied.

“AMBER ALERT!! CITY AUTHORITIES!! BAD TOUCH, BAD TOUCH!!” I started to struggle against my bindings while yelling at the top of my lungs, my feet actually managing to kick at Big Red’s flanks. I was yelling so much, I guess Applejack found it necessary to gag me.

Huffing, I went limp and just resigned myself to fate. The house was a little dark, but they got me to wherever it was they wanted me. I got tucked in pretty tight, and by that I mean they wrapped me in a heavy blanket and tied me down with three more things of rope.

“We’ll be back for ya in tha mornin’. Sleep tight now.” I heard Applejack call as she closed the door to my room. I started to roll around and bend my knees as I struggled against my bindings.

The bed was tiny, I mean it was probably pretty big for a pony, but it wasn't all that much larger than a bed meant for a preteen. I just wish I could access my duel disk…

My vision went black and lines of code began to cascade. Finally, a prompt popped up. [Access Duel Core: Function:

Well… That happened. ‘So what if I wanted to transform into a monster card?’  I thought to myself.

The prompt faded and was replaced with a big red warning sign.

‘Well… that’s bullshit. Is there anything I can do?’ I mentally asked the code.

[Would you like to prepare tomorrow's decklist?]

‘Uh… sure. Give me eight monsters with attack above eighteen hundred, one copy of Bunilla, three copies of Axe of Despair…’

And so I spent the rest of that night building a deck… For some reason.

‘Are you sure I’m only allowed forty cards? Decks go up to sixty.’ It was getting to morning, and I finished the deck but…

[Affirmative. You are allowed a forty card deck meant for personal use for all day to day activities tailored to specification. Deck lists meant solely for dueling may go above forty, but must remain less than sixty.

All further questions can be redirected to the Iliastor Users Manual.]

‘Oh God damn it, not the Iliaster…’

“So, this is the monster your sister brought in?” I heard a little girl’s voice echo through the room.

“Eeyup, Ah saw ‘er wrangle the feller up last night.” An equally young female voice with a southern drawl replied.

“Hey… I saw Rainbow drop this thing off from the Everfree Forest!! You think he’s dangerous?” Yet another little girl with a chipper tone asked.

“Hey ah know! Let's bring em in for show an’ tell! We’ll be tha talk of tha town!” The southern belle said excitedly.

‘Okay, but can you not?’ I tried to say.

[Vocal functions inactive while in shut down state.]

‘What, why!? Wait… oh fuck. Am I a robot?’ Huh, how the Hell did it take me this long to ask that question? Then again, I only started to bug out when I ate that cake…

I heard a thunk and saw a prompt in the black take note that I just took twenty five points of damage.

[Warning, physical composition vulnerable while in shut down.]

“How are we going to get this thing past your sister?” The chipper of the voices asked.

‘Wait… wait wait wait. Are you telling me I can die like this? What are my life points at!?’

“Don't worry, ah got a plan, jus get ‘im to tha barn.” Southern belle replied to Chip.

I’m pretty sure they have actual names, but they're kidnapping me, so they don't get my respect.

“Okay, but how?” The squeaky of the voices asked. “Your brother's outside working isn't he?”

“And your grandma and sister are in the kitchen.” Chip added.

“Just jump out the bathroom window, Ah do it all the time.” Southern belle replied calmly.

[I believe they plan on tossing you out the window.]

‘Yeah… I figured. How much damage am I gonna take from this?’ I heard another thunk as twenty five more points were subtracted from my LP.

[Projected loss: forty five hundred life points. Chances of resuscitation: twenty seven percent.]

‘So this is how I die… always thought there’d be more legal aged women involved.’

“Ready? Three… two… heave!” I heard Chip shout as she presumably shoved me out the window.

[Three life points lost.]

‘What? Just three? What happened?’

[You landed in a hay filled wheelbarrow.]

‘Oh… that’s… surprising.’

Things were kinda silent for a bit, the voices having come back after what felt like an eternity.

“Quick, barn.” Squeaky whispered.

[You are being moved.]

‘I don't need a constant play by play, but if I can read that user manual?’

[User Manual unavailable in shut down state.]

‘Are you kidding me!? What is available!?’

[Would you like to duel?]

‘Won't that kill me?’

[Training Simulacra will not drain life points.]

‘I mean, I guess if it gives me something to do.’

It was gonna be one of those days… I had a few practice rounds and nixed my defense deck as I had three other builds that did it's job better. Finally after what seemed like another eternity I heard a ding.

[Life points now at 8000, resuming all functions.]

My eyes shot open and I think one of the ponies I met at the party was staring at me. Her eyes went as wide as her smile as she looked back.

“He’s breathing, now how about giving Vincent some space.” The purple pony with pinkish mane called out.

“Yes miss Cherilee!” A group of children chorused.

I shook my head and pulled off some loose rope on my body.

“I’m so very sorry Vincent, I promise these girls will get a stern talking to about foalnapping.” Cheeri stated sternly.

I looked at the girls in question, one of them was Applejack’s sister, the other two were an orange pegasus with purple mane and tail and a white unicorn with a pink and lavender mane done up in a cute curl.

They all looked like they were caught with their hands- er… hooves… in the cookie jar. “Now hold on a minute,” I said as I got up, the entire class gasping at me as I dusted myself off.

“These three risked their hides trying to rescue me from the real kidnappers here.”

The trio looked at me, hope beaming from their faces. Cheeri wasn't buying it.

“Now I’m sure you're just covering for them-” I shut her up right quick by booping her nose.

“Applejack had me hogtied. Twice. She even locked me in her room. If that's not kidnapping I don't know what is.” AJ’s sister started sporting a blush as the entirety of the class gave a scandalous ‘ooh’.

Rolling my eyes, I fixed my cap and started to walk out when Cheeri grabbed me by the hand. “Wait, I erm… all misunderstanding aside, why not stay a while and show the class a bit of your special talent?” She blushed as she slowly slid her hoof out of my hand.

I took a look at the class and saw a room full of excited faces, and one bored looking pony with a tiara on her head, she sorta scoffed at me.

“Look… Cherilee, not to be rude but I gotta-” The trio who kidnapped me rushed my left leg, tugging at me as they gave me the puppy dog eyes.

I huffed and pulled out my day deck and started looking for Bunilla and Mist Body. “Alright, students!” I called out as the room looked even more excited.

I readied my duel disk and my desired cards. “Pay close attention, because I'm only doing this once and then I bounce.” Striking a pose, I threw the paired cards into the open slot and transformed.

I shrank pretty quickly, but hopefully this worked the way I wanted. Immediately I was met by several squeals of joy and surprise as the entire room of children descended on me. Smiling, I phased easily through the sea of hooves, the Mist Body equip spell doing it's job.

Before I knew it, I was out and home free. Next stop, Ancient Gear Castle.

“So that's where y’all went!!” I flinched at the harsh sound of AJ’s voice. “Ah came as soon as I heard and Ah’m mighty sorry bout all that!”

“Eh, it's fine. Welp, see ya.” I started to hop away as she waved me off.

“See ya later pardn- wait one apple pickin minute!” I started hopping faster as I heard her shouting at the top of her lungs. “Vincent! You two toed pot bellied varmint!!”

I hopped as fast and as far as I could, freaking out as I saw a lasso start to descend on me. “No no no no no!” The lasso had me in it's ring as it was pulled and it… Went right through me. “Ha! Suck it Jack! I have Mist Body!”

A bolt of lightning then shot into my body and poofed my disguise and equip card. A prompt came up telling me I was just dealt… three thousand points of damage!? What the fuck could have…

“Oops, Sorry mister Bunny!” A gray pegasus with blonde mane and tail apologized to me as she flew off.

‘Aw man… I just don't know what went wrong…’ I thought as I scrambled to my feet. I didn't have much time to pull a new card as this time, Applejack did actually manage to catch me in her lasso.

“Enough goofin ‘round Vince, you'll thank me when you've got a warm bed and a roof o’er yer head!” AJ called out as she dragged my squirming body to wherever it was she wanted to take me.

“I already told you, I don't want to do the thing with my tongue again! You're just too salty for me!” I cried. Man, if I didn't have the town’s attention before, I sure as Hell had it now…

The farm mare grew an obvious blush at the insinuation, but chose to keep quiet… which left me to raise hell with all the insinuations I could cook up.

“And I may enjoy a little pinch and squeal every now and again, but you didn't even give me a chance to use the sa- hurf!”

AJ dropped me spine first onto a patch of grass. “Alright that is IT!” She shouted. “What's it gonna take to get'cha to cooperate!?” She exclaimed as she threw a hoof at my face.

“Well, you could duel me.” I replied with a sly and cocky grin. She glared at me, but nodded her head as she took off her hat and took out Pinkie’s duel disk and a deck.

“Y’all are askin’ for it now, varmint.” She said calmly as she hooked her hoof into the disk which in turn caused my own to activate on it's own.

Nodding, I took out a deck that wouldn't get me killed like last time. The only problem was that I knew fuck all about how she dueled, or if she dueled… but with how fast Rainbow learned…

"Jacqueline? That's… a surprisingly beautiful name." I say mindlessly, which caused my opponent to blush madly.

Huffing, AJ drew her hand. "Don't think y'all can sweet talk yer way outta this one Vincent! Duel!" The farm girl starts to fiddle with her five card hand for a moment before looking up at me. "Hey! What's these pink ones do!?" She calls out.

Facepalming, I take a small breath. "Those are traps. Green are spells, brown and tan are effect and normal monsters! Four star monsters can be normal summoned face down in defense or face up in attack!"

"Thank ya kindly! Ah summon Big Shield Gardna!" She shouted with a smile. Slamming the card down, a tall muscular brown man with a long and wild head of hair was summoned to the field… in face up attack.

"Did you seriously summon a monster with one hundred attack points… in face up attack position?" I asked incredulously.

"Eeyup. Just so Ah can do this!" The farm girl thusly threw down the equip spell Magna Shield, increasing BSG's attack by 2600.

And with that I was now in deep shit, and with a handicap of minus three thousand life points, I was in dire need of a half decent hand.

"Draw!!" Dramatically drawing my six card hand, I looked at one Marshmallon, two Fake Trap, one Magic Cylinder, one Bottomless Trap Hole, and a Dimensional Prison. "I set the entirety of my hand and end my turn!"

Nodding, Applejack casually drew her card. "Ah activate Mausoleom ah the Emperor!" With a 'yeehaw', the ground at our feet elevated as stone steps rose to our left. A sacrificial altar was lit up at the top of the steps. "By payin two thousand life points, I normal summon Battleguard King!" The ground shudders as a giant armored ogre wielding an equally giant steel studded club rises onto the field.

"Gardna! Attack that face down monster!" The farm mare cried, the burly warrior running forward to shove his shield onto my monster.

"Trap open!" I shouted. "Dimensional Prison!" Much to AJ's surprise, Gardna was engulfed by a folding rift.

"What th- the buck was that!?" She shouted as she angrily waved her hat at me.

"Dimensional Prison banishes an attacking monster, negating it's attack and removing it from the field." I explained. With a nod and a huff, she gestured for her giant red ogre to slam its giant club on my monster.

As the club fell, Applejack found herself taking 3000 points of damage as the club was blasted back to strike her instead.

"My my how the tables have turned, farm girl." My teasing seemed to really bother my opponent as her face went cherry red with snarl.

"Ah play Barbaric Feast!" A small bonfire lit before her as a massive crimson shield lined with gold manifested from the quickly dying flame.

With a huff, she tipped her hat. "Ah end…"

We both had an empty hand and our life points were damn near equal. Drawing, I found a smile creeping on my face as I looked at Card Car D. "I summon Card Car D! When normal summoned I can send it to the grave and draw two cards, ending my turn."

"Ya'd give up a turn for cards?" Applejack asked with a confused tilt of her head.

I looked at my new hand, Chain Energy and Widespread dud. "Yep. Your turn Jacqueline." Her eyes widened a little as she looked away and pawed her chest.

Applejack looked at her newly drawn card, then her life counter and sighed. "Go ahead, ain't got nothin'."

Nodding, I kept the tempo and drew. Double Cyclone. Not bad… throwing down my Dud and Cyclone, I took one quick look at Chain Energy and made my peace. "I play Chain Energy! Any card that hits the field from this point forward will cost us 500 life points each."

"Wait, what the hay's that s'posed to mean!?" The farm mare cried.

"It means you gotta pay to play!" I answered back with a smirk.

Worried, but not deterred, AJ drew her card and looked on with resolve. "I activate Mausoleum and summon Lava Battleguard!" A red skinned ogre wielding a basic wooden club enters the field, a crazed grin on it's face.

With a rebel yell, the Lava Battleguard flies into a rage as Applejack enters the battlephase and targets my facedown...

… Much to her detriment. "What in tarnation!?" She yells in horror as her red ogre had become a chew toy for my marshmallowed abomination.

"How th- who the… Ah couldn't even land a scratch on ya… and y'all just…" To say she was surprised would be the understatement of a lifetime, shit, the girl was practically fish faced.

...and it was only going to get worse.

"I activate Widespread Dud! Equipping both your Battleguards!" I shout as the ogres have engraved drills shoved into their arms, all while a larger drill bit digs halfway into the ground behind me.

"What's that do?" Applejack asked, her face going pale.

"Right now? Nothing, but when either card on the field is removed from the field… everything else goes with it." No doubt my opponent was confused by this, so I decided to move things along. "I activate Double Cyclone!"

Two red and yellow vortexes fell from the sky, one engulfing the field, the other twisting my drill bit into the ground.

"WHAT THE HAY ARE YA PLANNIN'!!" Applejack shouted through the raging cyclone as she held her hat down.

"THIS!" As the yellow cyclone dismantled and destroyed the Mausoleum, the red cyclone pushed the Widespread trigger deeper until it clicked. The explosion was magnificent. The ogres burst into purple flames as their limbs were torn apart from the blast, the still exploding flames turned into a whirlwind as it was swept up along with what was left of the Mausoleum, and it all ended not with a bang… but with a poof.

By this point, Applejack's eyes were a twitching mess, her mane was whipped out of it's braid, and her hat looked like it was chewed up by an angry bobcat. "Uh… Ah… end?"

Smiling, I took my turn. "I summon the Raging Flame Sprite!"

A small fairy like child with long ears, an ash black tunic, red sagging top hat with flame decorations, and a small wand topped with a flame painted egg popped out from a small flame.

"What's a little critter like that gonna do?" Applejack asked with a bit of snark.

I simply raised a finger and pointed at her. "Poke." With a happy giggle, the Flame Sprite quickly flew past the Millennium Shield and tapped her on the nose.

Snorting angrily as she wiped soot off her nose, Applejack kicked up a small dust cloud. "How the heck did it do that!?" She cried. "Ah had a darn monster on the field!"

I chuckled a bit as I began my explanation. "Well, Raging Flame Sprite has the ability to attack directly, and whenever he does so…"

"He gains 1000 Attack Points."

Applejack quite nearly let her disk drop as she looked at the Flame Sprite holding a slightly larger wand. "So… any card I play…"

"You lose." I reply readily.

"And… if Ah don't play…" Her disk is now touching ground at this point.

"Yeah, Flame Sprite deals the finishing blow." I can see the shine in her eyes as tear bubbles form in those big emerald orbs of hers.

"Ah… Ah give up." The holograms disperse and she practically tosses the disk onto the ground. With a sigh, she covers her face and walks away.

Now, the asshole in me is more than happy to just walk away and pretend today never happened…

But the halfway decent human being in me…

Without a second thought, I scoop the disk deck, and lasso (surprised she left that behind) and immediately caught up with her. I lay the rope on her head as she flinches and turns to me.