Shining Armor didn't want to open his eyes.
He wasn’t asleep, but the small foal lying on his chest was, and he didn't dare disturb her. After all, Flurry Heart taking such a long nap was a rare occurrence, and any time it happened deserved celebration, which in parental terms meant a moment of shut-eye.
As he rested on the couch, he gave Flurry Heart a quick peck on the forehead.
This is the life, he thought to himself. I love you, Flurry Heart.
“Shining Armor, wake up.”
He opened his eyes, and standing above him was his lovely wife, Princess Cadance.
“Hey, honey,” Shining yawned, carefully stretching out his legs in a way as to not disturb his sleeping daughter. “Good to see you. I’m just chilling here with Flurry Heart. How was your day?”
“Not so great,” Princess Cadance sighed, barely able to get the words out. “First, I had to attend a royal meeting with the other princesses in Canterlot. Then, I came back here and had to stop a dispute between two former lovers who were both cheating on each other with the same pony. After that, some buffoon broke into the Crystal Library Archives, so I had to catch him instead of going to lunch. And now, I’m supposed to attend Prince Blueblood’s Birthday Extravaganza, back in Canterlot.”
“Wow, you must be exhausted,” Shining Armor said, rubbing his wife’s leg. “How about you go take a nap before the party? I can hold down the fort with Flurry Heart and--”
“NO!” the princess snapped, causing her husband to jump. The baby stirred in her slumber. “Sorry, I just-- I don’t think this arrangement we have going is fair.”
“Excuse me?”
“Well, look at you,” Princess Cadance replied, gesturing to the stallion on the couch. “You stay home with the baby everyday, while I’m working my flank off tending to a million and one royal duties! I never get to see our daughter anymore!” She sighed. “I know taking care of an alicorn baby isn’t easy, but at the same time, you have help with Sunburst and the guards. I have nopony to help me. We’re supposed to be a partnership, but it doesn't feel like that.”
Shining Armor’s ears dropped. “I’m sorry. I had never thought about it like that.”
Cadance kissed him on the cheek. “Don’t worry, I’m not upset with you. I just need a break. I want to spend time with our daughter and relax.”
“I totally get that.”
“So, I was hoping we could maybe switch jobs tonight? I can take care of Flurry Heart, while you go to Prince Blueblood’s birthday party.”
Shining bit his lip. “Honey. You know how I feel about Blueblood.”
“I do,” Cadance admitted. “But we can’t just ignore the invitation. One of us has to go.”
“How about we say that we both came down with the flu? Or that Flurry Heart got hurt and needed extra attention? Or that we exploded?”
“Shining Armor, please,” Cadance sighed, rubbing her temple. “Do this for me.”
The prince pulled his mane and groaned, but eventually nodded his head. “Okay, fine. I’ll go. But I won’t enjoy it. I will have absolutely no fun.”
“That’s the spirit,” Cadance said, pinching her husband’s cheek. “Thank you so much, Shiny. I really appreciate it. You’re the lovable leader this Empire needs.”
Shining Armor blushed and chuckled, but on the inside, he was writhing in pain.
“What are husbands for?”
Blueblood’s party was loud.
All the lights in the Canterlot Castle ballroom had been dimmed, replaced by glowing flashes of blue, yellow, and white. The music had been cranked up to the highest setting, and everypony kept bumping into each other.
The worst part, though, was the giant inflatable balloons of Prince Blueblood’s head floating around.
Shining Armor walked in, and almost walked out immediately.
You’re doing this for Cadance, he repeatedly thought to himself, working his way through the crowd of rambunctious ponies jumping to the DJ’s deafening pop music. You love Cadance, and you support Cadance. This is for her.
“Hey-o, Shinybutt!” a voice called from across the room. A shudder went down Shining’s Armor’s back.
“Hi, Blueblood,” Shining replied, walking over to the birthday stallion with an overly toothy smile on his face. “Happy birthday.”
“Isn’t it? The servants stayed up all night doing this just for me.”
Shining rolled his eyes. “I thought you were all about regal gatherings and fancy parties. This is neither.”
“I wanted to let loose,” Blueblood said with a shrug. “After all, this is a celebration of me!” He handed Shining Armor a plate with his face on it. Shining Armor tossed it when the other stallion wasn’t looking. “Everything is absolutely perfect. Oh, have you seen my birthday throne? It is pristine.”
“I’m sure I’ll see you sitting on it later,” Shining grunted.
Blueblood stuck out his lip. “Aww, poor Shinybutt doesn't seem happy. Jealous, I imagine. Such luxury doesn't come to everypony.” Shining Armor glared. “Or, perhaps, he’s still upset about the incident.”
“You disrespected my entire platoon of guards!”
“It’s not my fault they weren’t a fan of my perfect physique!”
Shining Armor growled. “You know what? Let me show you something.” He walked over to one of the balloons, and stabbed it with his horn. It popped, exploding into a shower of pictures of the birthday stallion. Shining’s mouth dropped.
Blueblood was laughing. “See? You can’t win. This day is mine, Shinybutt.”
He bumped Shining Armor with his flank, then walked off to enjoy his party, leaving the other stallion fuming.
I need an apple cider, Shining thought, stomping off to the nearest server.
He hastily grabbed a drink off their tray, and chugged it down in one gulp. It didn't taste like apple cider, but it served its purpose of numbing the pain of being around Blueblood. He licked his lips and grabbed another glass.
I need MORE.
Shining Armor could barely feel his body.
He had found the bar, polished off five drinks with ease, and was waiting on a sixth. There was some commotion behind him at the party, but it couldn’t matter less to him. He was in his own, boozy world.
“Hey, bartender-pony-lady,” he said, his words slurred and muffled. “How long before that next drink?”
“You know, I’m going to have to cut you off soon,” the bartender said, wiping a glass with a napkin. “This much alcohol isn’t healthy.”
Shining Armor shook his head. “I’m a prince. I’m Equestrian royalty. You can’t cut me off. I’ll cut you off.”
“Yeah, no, you’re not getting this next drink.”
Shining Armor moaned, and laid his head on the table. He looked down the bar, and saw a stallion in a white and blue striped shirt with an untied bow tie and a boater hat two stools down from him. The unicorn was drinking a drink similar to his own, tears in his eyes.
“Hey, you,” Shining Armor called out, patting the seat next to him. “Why are you crying? This is a party, not a funeral.”
“It’s my funeral,” the pony replied, putting his face in his hooves. His words were just as, if not more, slurred than Shining’s own. “I’ve hit rock bottom. My brother abandoned me, and all I have now is this drink.” He kissed the glass. “This drink is my new best friend.”
“That’s really pathetic,” Shining Armor laughed. “You’re so funny, man. What’s your name?”
“Flam.” He paused. “Hey, wait a minute. You’re that prince from the place with all the shiny rocks. Um, Radiant Metal.”
Shining Armor guffawed. “See? You’re hilarious! What is a good pony like you doing at such an obnoxious party?”
Flam leaned in close to the stallion and whispered in his ear. “Don’t tell anypony, but I snuck in. Power of persuasion, baby!”
“Wow, humor and brains. You’re the whole package, Flam!”
The two howled with laughter, nearly falling off their stools. The bartender rolled her eyes.
“What about you, Mr. Metal?” Flam asked. “What’s an attractive stallion such as yourself doing at a rager like this?”
“My wife forced me to come,” Shining Armor sighed. “She told me to leave the house, so she could have the baby all to herself. I think she’s trying to torture me.”
“Uh-oh. Asking you to leave the house? Keeping the baby to herself? Sending you here as torture? Woof, I wouldn’t be surprised if divorce papers and a custody case showed up in your future.”
Shining Armor gasped. “Wait, seriously? You think Cadance wants to break up with me?!” Flam nodded his head, and the prince began sobbing. “B-B-But I love her!”
“It’s okay, man,” Flam said, patting the stallion on the back. “I’m here for you. I’ll help you through this. I know we just met, but I feel this kinda connection to you all of a sudden. Do you feel it, too?”
“I feel wasted.” The two burst into giddy chuckles.
“Let’s get out of here,” Flam suggested. “We’re way too good for this party.”
“Agreed. I wanna have some fun.”
The two got up off their stools, and stumbled toward the exit, bumping into everypony around them. They passed Blueblood, who simply rolled his eyes at them.
“How uncouth,” he sighed.
Shining Armor and Flam hobbled their way through the streets of Canterlot, with nothing but the moon and stars above watching them.
“Equestria, the land I looove,” they sang off-key, hooves wrapped around each other. “A land of harmonyyy! Our flag does wave, from high above, for pony kind to seeeeee!”
Shining Armor tripped on his own hoof, sending the two stallions tumbling onto the ground. They burst out laughing.
“Man, I love you so much,” Flam giggled. “You’re so great. I don’t understand why your wife wants to break up with you!”
“Man, I love you,” Shining chortled. “You’re amazing. I don’t understand why your brother abandoned you!”
“Cause he’s the worst. Blames me for all of our schemes going awry. But you know who’s really to blame? Applejack.”
Shining Armor rolled over onto his back. “Oh, I know Applejack. She’s quite the headache-inducer.”
“Right? First, she makes us break our Super Speedy Squeezy Cider Machine-y thing, then she exposes our Miracle Tonic, and then she makes ponies stop buying our Hearth’s Warming dolls! If it wasn’t for her, Flim and I would be richer than Prince Blueblood.”
“Wow. That’s a lot of bits.”
“I know,” Flam agreed. “But no matter what we do, Applejack is always in the way.”
“Well, then, you just gotta get Applejack out of the picture!” Shining exclaimed, hopping onto his hooves. “Send her a message that says, ‘Don’t mess with me anymore!’”
“Do they make a greeting card for that?”
“I doubt it,” Shining Armor said. “No, you need to think big. Something that lets her know you mean business, and that she should back off!” He thought for a moment, then gasped. “I’ve got it!”
“What?!” Flam asked eagerly.
“We should kidnap her sister, and hold her for ransom until Applejack agrees to leave you alone for good!”
Flam thought it over for a minute, then nodded his head.
“That’s absolutely perfect! Flawless, even. You’re a genius!”
“I know.”
Flam started clumsily dashing away. “Let’s go right now! I have train money in my hat. To Ponyville!”
“To Ponyville!” Shining Armor echoed.
And off they trotted, hoping to catch the last train of the night.