//------------------------------//
// Casing a Crazy Griffon 
// Story: Kitchen Nightmares: Equestrian Misadventures 
// by Spettro138 
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Gordon did not anticipate how long the coming train ride would be once he and his motley crew of ponies, humans, and a dragon stepped off of the terminal and into the train. Only a few dozen other ponies came on to the train headed for Griffonstone. The chef hypothesized most likely because of the great distance to the city and hostility of the Griffons scares most ponies off. From what little he had heard about the griffons, apparently, they were mostly omnivorous like humans were. With an instinctive lean more towards meat rather than vegetables. However, he would have plenty of time to think of all of these things, and more after hearing the projected time of reaching the Griffon Lands by train would take a solid three days to undertake. The Princesses were there at the terminal to wish the group luck as the train began to depart from the terminal.

The last thing Gordon's attention was on before they left was how Luna was gazing dreamily into his eyes. He could have sworn he saw her saying something rather suggestive to him as the train moved further away, but he convinced himself that his eyes were just playing tricks on him.  It unsettled the man, to say the least leaving him with confusing, disturbing, and rather pleasant dreams the following night.

Gordon and his production team were forced to bunk with each of the girls in separate rooms that housed eight people each. Twilight trusted him enough, so she chose to share the same bed with him on a top bunk. Rarity, Pinkie, and three other members of Gordon's crew bunked together in each of the other cots while Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack had to bunk together with Gordon's director Jay.

"I'm so sorry about this Gordon, the train to Griffonstone doesn't typically carry a lot of passengers, so I'm assuming there isn't much of a need for a bunch of bedroom cars here." Twilight apologized.

"Ah, that's alright. No harm done. It will be like camping with a mate," he replied cheerfully.

"Mate?" she asked beginning to feel her face begin to heat up.

"Friend".

"Oh, yes. That's right. Mate is also another word for friend, not...something else..eheheheh," she replied sheepishly.

The rest of the first day passed relatively quickly as it was spent getting their luggage stowed away. Most of which belonged to Rarity who had brought over fifty cases with her to promote her business in Griffonstone. Gordon's crew found places for their luggage under each bunk bed as they settled in for their long trek. The second day was spent relaxing in the lounge car with a few other ponies and griffons who had taken the trip to visit family and friends. A couple of obstructions found their way onto the tracks now and then that blocked the train's rapid progress north. One of them was a small tribe of Buffalo who were making their way to the east for their yearly migration. After a heated argument with the engineers, the train was soon back on its way.

The second unfortunate obstruction came in the form of a small band of rogue Caribou who were trying to cause trouble with the mares on the train. They tried forcing their way on board, but Twilight and Gordon quickly made short work of them as Twilight threw two of them over a hundred feet into the air, and Gordon drop kicked two in the jaws and broke their back legs with a meat tenderizer. They were left unconscious in the snow as they quickly moved on before the Caribou could regain consciousness. All the passengers came to their car to thank and congratulate them, including the conductor who had the train's chef prepare their absolute best food for the group. Much to the conductor's delight, Gordon gave their kitchen staff a four-star rating on their food and went to bed that night thoroughly satisfied. 

As soon as the train passed through the Northern border, vast plains of emerald green grass gave way to the snow-covered tundra as the train went into its third day of travel north. For a hundred more miles the train was able to go until the border of the Griffon Lands became visible. A checkpoint was waiting there with a group of mountain guides through the cliffs of the Northern Mountains. 

The trek was arduous and dangerous as the ponies and the humans alike had to lug heavy equipment through twenty miles of steep inclines and knee-deep snow. Pinkie and Rainbow Dash had brought their old mountaineering hats to keep themselves warm. Gordon couldn't help but make a mental comparison to Mongolian headwear as he stared at the hats. Twilight resorted to using a snowplow spell in an attempt to make the journey somewhat safer as they marched onwards through the unforgiving weather. Once or twice, Gordon nearly slipped and fell but was saved by a lasso tether Applejack took the liberty of placing on to all of them.

Finally, they made it to the great city of Griffonstone, which was in average condition compared to when Rainbow and Pinkie last saw it. Griffons were in the process of repairing the tree city's limbs with thousands of scaffolds and repairing many houses that had been damaged or destroyed. Twilight became livid and manic once she saw how in disarray their city library was with pages and books scattered about all over the city. Rarity loaned her fainting couch when she was unable to handle the sight.

"Just let her have a few minutes," Spike humorously said as he started fanning her. "You guys head over to Gilda's and see what is up."

"You sure Spike? We could wait if you want," Gordon courteously offered. 

"Nah, that's alright. The same thing happened when her other human friend showed her those "Dead Sea Scroll" thingies you guys have on Earth. She just has a hard time seeing damaged literature. It's up there with her fear of gooey cheeses."

"Heheheh, thanks for the tip, Spike. Now I know what to do for Nightmare Night in a few months." Rainbow chuckled darkly.

As they passed through the streets, Gordon saw that he was being noticed by many of the griffons living there. A lot of them stared at him suspiciously 

They made it to the main street of the city where Rainbow Dash and Pinkie walked up to a tall but rather run-down four-story building. It was more in disarray than the others which all seemed to have construction crews working on renovating them.

"Is this where your friend lives?" Gordon asked nervously. "I would like to avoid going into a building where the floors could collapse."

"Well Gilda hasn't been answering my letters, so I figured going to the source would be best," Rainbow said thoughtfully.

"Yuck, why is she living in such a horrid place?" Rarity asked disgustedly as she flinched away at every speck of trash littering the area around the building.

"Oh dear, I hope she's alright," Fluttershy said thoughtfully.

"We'll just have to play things by ear and be careful once we get in there," Applejack concluded.

They went inside which was just as run down as the exterior of the building. The stairs creaked with every step as they climbed each flight. When they made it to the top floor, Rainbow Dash came to a door with scratch marks on it that looked very recent. Gordon was able to vaguely hear the sound of muffled sobbing just beyond the door.

"Gil? Are you there pal?" Rainbow called into the door. 

They heard some shifting around and a tired voice groans from the other side of the door and then a thump onto the floor.

"D-Dash?" 

"Come on! Open the door! I've been worried! You haven't answered any of my letters!" Rainbow chided.

Pinkie leaned up to Gordon to whisper into his ear.

"Can we chill it on the foodie stuff until Gilda is hunkey dory?" she asked. "She needs some TLC and huggies."

"Oh sure, go ahead. I'm in no rush here. We aren't exactly on a tight schedule. Family and friends come first and all of that." Gordon replied kindly.

Sounds of over a dozen latches, chains, and locks being undone could be heard as the door finally cracked open slightly to reveal a dark room. A dreary, feathery face peeked out from behind the door to meet her guests. Streaks could be seen coming down her eyes as she vainly tried to put on a tough facade.

"Dash? Pink? What are you two doing here?"

"Well, first of all, we've been worried," Rainbow replied. "As I said, you haven't been answering any of my letters."

"Yeah, don't you like us anymore?" Pinkie said as she gave Gilda a quivering lip.

"Please...just go. I don't want you to see me like this," Gilda begged with her voice breaking.

"Like what?"

"....Weak, lame, and vulnerable."

Rainbow just smiled and gave a small chuckle.

"Gil, you are always awesome no matter what happens. You are the most awesome girl I know next to myself and Daring Do Please, open the door. We can help, whatever's going on with ya."

"Yeah, we love you, Gilly!" Pinkie whined. "I can throw you a new party if you want?"

She opened the door a bit more where they could properly see her. Her feathers and fur were unkempt and dirty as if she had gotten into a fight. Bruises and welts covered parts of her body that barely covered over a dozen scratches. The griffon looked exhausted as shown by the bags that were beginning to develop under her eyes.

"GILDA! Are you alright? What happened? What bucktard did this to you?" Rainbow asked frantically as she zipped over close to her.

"You should see the other guys," she chuckled weakly. 

"Oh, you poor thing!" Fluttershy said as she flew up and started gently prodding the griffon.

Gilda started chuckling and groaning as the pegasus started scanning her body.

"Flutters, what are ya doing? Stop that! I can only take so much abuse." she chuckled weakly.

"What happened?" Twilight asked.

"Princess Twilight? What are you and these other guys doing here?" she asked as she looked around at the other girls and the humans.

"Well like we said, we were here to look for you to see how you were doing. We also heard that a restaurant around here has been getting Solar Praetorian Guards sick. We thought we might pick your brain about that." Twilight explained.

Gilda wiped her eyes and looked at each of the group, including the humans up and down with a tired gaze until she finally relented.

"Sure, whatever. Come in." 

As they went in, Gordon caught Gilda staring at Gordon curiously. The inside of her apartment was in a complete state of disarray. Empty food packages laid all over the floor, dirty t-shirts hanging from the couch, large stacks of mail were right by the front door. Gilda brushed garbage off of the couch to let the group sit down. Gordon and his crew were fine standing as the griffon hen tried to compose herself.

"What the hell happened Gil? Why didn't you write back or visit?" Rainbow asked concerned as she wrapped her foreleg around Gilda's neck.

The griffon looked like she wasn't going to respond at first but Pinkie stood up, sat next to her, and gave her a pleading look.

"Pretty please?"

After a few seconds, she let out a deep sigh and began to recount her tale.

"Greta bucking happened that's what," she muttered angrily with red eyes. "I try making friends and a solid business with another griffon and she stabs me in back. It happened...not too long after you and Pink left Griffonstone. Greta and I met up a few times, she seemed to like my sweets and my scones. So we met up a few times and exchanged a few ideas.  We eventually got enough money together to build a bakery. After a few months, things started to change. Greta started stealing money and changing my recipes."

"That's awful!" Rarity gasped.

"And on top of all that, she's written me out of ownership of the bakery," Gilda growled. "She had the Griffon Mercenary Guild throw me out of my own damn bakery. They were the ones who....did this to me. I thought I made a good friend, but she stabbed me in the bucking back!"

She motioned to the numerous injuries all across her body. Fluttershy pulled clean bandages out of her pouch and then began to silently wrap her wounds up. Gilda just remained quiet and somber while she did this, thinking it would help her mood.

"Whoever did this to you is gonna wish they'd never been born," Rainbow threatened.

"Though it's impossible to control who your friends hang out with, it is possible to control your own behavior. Just continue to be a good friend. In the end, the difference between a false friend and one who is true will come to light." Twilight recanted quietly.

"What's that?" Gordon asked.

"...Something I learned a while ago. And ironically enough, at first, Gilda WAS that false friend, but now Rainbow and Pinkie are like family to her. It's just kind of funny how things turn out."

Gordon and Twilight continued listening to Gilda until Gordon had a thought that came into his head.

"Sounds like a legal issue and a serious attitude issue. I've dealt with that kind of thing before," Gordon stated matter of factly. "Anything we could do about that Twilight? This whole thing sounds incredibly illegal. I don't care what country or world you are from."

She put her hoof up to her chin in a thinking manner.

"Well we would have to see the documentation that she's talking about, and then prove that Greta is unfit to own the restaurant. Unfortunately, we would have to get Steward Denethor of the city to cooperate with us".

"Steward? I heard somewhere that the griffons had royalty."

"Not for a while. King Guto was the last king, and then the royal family just disappeared. Some say his daughter Princess Anise Starzia escaped to Equestria, but the reports are fuzzy at best. Now the city's Steward has pretty much-assumed power."

'Well that sure sounds familiar', Gordon thought.

"Well, if she's making your special forces sick, then I'm assuming that would be ample enough reason to get his permission to look into it."

"Gilda, we may be able to help you get your restaurant back," Twilight stated.

Gilda looked at Twilight with a brief glare, but when Rainbow patted her shoulder comfortingly, she mellowed out and decided to hear what the alicorn had to say.

"Really? What can you do? The guards around here have been pretty much paid off, so they won't listen to me."

"Oh, you'd be surprised on how many people and ponies I've been able to convince. Even if they are greedy, corrupt griffons. Given the right incentive anyway."

So for the next few minutes, Twilight introduced Gordon and his team to her and explained her plan on how to properly deal with Greta if they can at all. Her first order of business was to get the authority of the city's Steward to enter Greta's restaurant as a dignitary since she has no official power in the Griffon Lands. Gordon meanwhile was tasked with sending a letter to Greta and setting up camera equipment so that she can expect his arrival. Rarity decided to take the time to take measurements of Gilda to see if she can come up with proper clothing for Griffons, considering that she's only catered to ponies, a zebra, and a short, stalky dragon. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie sat with Gilda as they just talked and talked in an attempt to help her feel better.

"By the way," Rainbow started. You wouldn't happen to know where Silver Quill is, would you? He was supposed to bring me your mail since Griffon mail is cheaper across the border, but I haven't seen that or him for a while now."

"I'm keeping him in the closet over there," she said nonchalantly as she pointed to a door with her thumb. "He's been flirting with me for a while, so I thought that would mellow him out."

"Chef, is it okay if you can...ya know?" Rainbow motioned to the door.

Gordon went over and opened the door. A griffon fell out with his beak taped shut and his arms and legs bound. He seemed to be screaming from behind his gag. Gordon carefully peeled back a little bit of the tape and then ripped it off. 

"Oh thank Celestia! I thought I was done for. She had me stuffed in there for days and would only let me out for food and water! Though this kind of thing is what I usually do to ponies and it does feel somewhat nice. Princess Luna did it to me but then she started to feel me up"

Gordon slapped the tape back onto his face before the hippogriff could continue that disturbing sentence.

"Well, enough of that. Let's see if we can't get started on our next project shall we?" Gordon stated with forced cheerfulness.





Two days later, Gordon sends Twilight and his team along with a griffon noble to Greta's Baking Company to inform them of his arrival and begin recording footage for the upcoming Nightmare. The griffon noble was sent alongside Twilight to prove her authority in the city and to act as the instrument of the Steward's will. He was more than cordial and respectful with Twilight when she was introduced to him, so she appreciated his company. Though she couldn't help but stare at him from time to time. His resemblance to another griffon from her past was almost uncanny. She debated with herself on whether or not she should bring this up at all.

The bakery was located in a barren sector of the tree city where only a few houses scattered about dwelled. High gusts of wind in this area prevented the group from flying in which meant three miles of walking to the bakery.

The kindly old Griffon noble walking with her seemed awfully familiar, so Twilight decided to spark up a friendly conversation.

"Forgive me for prying, Count but did you say your name was Le Grand? You wouldn't happen to be related to a baker named Gustav would you?"

"Oui, your highness. My youngest son. We sent him to the finest schools in Equestria to get a good education and to learn the culinary arts." he explained. "Do you know him?"

"Sort of. I met him on the Canterlot Express on the way to the Canterlot Dessert Contest a few years back." she admitted casually."

"Oh yes, he told me about that. I'm to assume that the purple unicorn was you then?"

"Lavender, but yeah."

"I thank you then for helping to clear my son's name," he said respectfully with a short bow. "You and your....colorful pink friend."

"We were happy to help. I certainly look forward to working with you Count Le Grand."

"And I you Princess. Assisting that wonderfully odd "human" as you call him will bring some excitement into my old life."

After thirty minutes of walking, they finally made it to the site of the restaurant where they saw a big line going into the immaculate building. The building was clean and tidy on the outside, except for the calligraphy sign that had the word Gilda scratched out and replaced with Greta in a tacky black marker. Twilight felt somewhat confident for the first few minutes prepared to see if the interior was just as tidy as the outside until they made it to the door and opened it to see a screaming match between a customer and one of the owners.

"YOU MUTHAHFUCKAH, GET THE FUCK OUT!"

"JUST GIVE ME THE GUTO DAMN REFUND!!!"

"GET THE HELL OUT BEFORE YOU GET FUCKED UP!!!"

"FINE YOU DUMB TURKEY!!! I'LL JUST MAKE SURE ALL MY FRIENDS STAY FAR AWAY FROM THIS SHIT HOLE OF A BAKERY!" 

Twilight and the Count just looked at each other with shrunken pupils and absolutely terrified faces as they said one solitary word.

"Mother"

Next Time: Greta's Baking Company - Part 1