Dear Princess Celestia,
I am very unhappy right now with what you have allowed to happen to my dear friend Fluttershy. Not only was she sexually assaulted but now she has been condemned to a fate that I wouldn't even wish upon my own worst enemy. I find it appalling that she is going to become the property and sex slave of those four former students of yours, those ones you seem to think so highly of.
Right now, Fluttershy is terrified about the end of the series. She knows what will happen and she also knows that the big brass lied about what would happen if she suffered any psychological trauma. Now let me say this, you know my powers far surpass yours. You know that I could rip a hole in the very fabric of time and throw not only those mares you like so much but you as well into an alternate reality where there would be no escape. Hell I could do that to Goldner too and I am certain that everypony would be thanking me.
Now there is a way to get out of this. All you have to do is forbid Colgate and her degenerate friends from getting their hooves on Fluttershy and I won't cast the five of you into another dimension. If it will make things any better, I will even snap my claw and create a gold statue of not just you but of them as well to be placed in Canterlot. So Cakelestia, which will it be? Will it be you going to another dimension or will it be you remaining here?
Also, I am demanding that you force Twilight to free Dr. Fauna and Treehugger. My dear friend Fluttershy really misses them and I think that it would make all of you look much better if they were released. Yes Treehugger is a junkie but that is nothing compared to what the likes of Colgate has done and she is roaming free. If they aren't freed, I'll cast a spell on Twilight that will not only make her an earth pony but will cause her to worship Nightmare Moon. So do we have a deal?
Ready to Protect Fluttershy,
Discord
Dear Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine,
Ladies, I hate to tell you this but you can't have Fluttershy after the series is over after all. You see, Discord is threatening to rip the very fabric of reality and throw all five of us into another dimension. Before you ask, he can actually do it. He nearly did that to that junkie that Twilight has locked up at the gala a few years back....what a shame he didn't actually do it. Now I know you four are likely very upset but hey, you'll still be getting Fleur de Lis so it won't be a total loss.
Besides, even if she didn't have Discord as a friend, Flutters would still probably bitch, whine and complain about not having her animals nearby, she would complain about losing that damn animal sanctuary and I doubt you'd want to have to put up with that. Tell you what, since you're so big into pegasi for some weird reason, I will hunt down Angel Wings and bring her to you. I would give you Flitter as a gift but the Ponyville weather team kind of needs her.
Again I am sorry but I really don't want Discord throwing us all into another dimension.
Apologetic,
Princess Celestia
Princess Celestia,
What? You mean to tell us that Discord, The Lord of Chaos, is making threats to make sure that we don't punish his little friend in the way that she deserves? You know what, fuck that shit! Ok, we can accept that we won't get her as a domestic slave but like wolves in the night, we shall seek out our prey. We will strike when she is least expecting, we will strike when Discord is asleep in his own realm. She won't be our property but we'll still make sure we get action from her whether she wants to put out or not. Now keep that in mind, Flutters will always be on our list of prey.
We do however still demand everything else you promised us unless you want us making it public that not only is Starlight your daughter but that you bucked a commoner after drinking in Sire's Hollow, alright?
Upset We Won't Get Fluttershy,
Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine
Dear Twilight,
Well Twilight, I am afraid that your days of torturing that junkie and that slutty vet are over. Discord is not a happy camper and not only is he not going to allow me to force Fluttershy to marry your old friends but he is also demanding that you release that vet and that junkie or he will cast a spell to turn you into an earth pony. Now before you go claiming that he can't do that, I am pretty sure he can....oh wait, he already did it in season two and I know he won't have any problems doing it again. While I hate to admit it, his magic does surpass that of everypony, even that of mine and that of Starlight so you better do it.
Don't worry though, you can still go and abduct random ponies and torture them to your heart's content. I won't stop you from that but just leave those close to Fluttershy alone. I don't feel like getting a message from Starlight saying that he turned you into an earth pony....that would really suck now, wouldn't it?
Not Happy,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
What the fuck? I have to release that junkie and that vet or Discord will turn me into a fucking earth pony again? Now I call bullshit on that because nopony could ever turn me, an incredibly powerful Alicorn, into a lesser race of pony. However, I do have a feeling that Discord will likely do something bad to either you or my sexy friends up there in Canterlot or Faust forbid he do something bad to my oh-so sexy sister in law, such as cast a spell on her to make her find me unattractive.
Fine, I will release those two bitches but don't be surprised when I'm in full blown bitch mode because I will be without the two I love to torture most. Tell you what, maybe I should stop bitching to you since this isn't totally your fault. I do however, have someone else in mind I can make miserable.
Very Upset,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Discord,
Ok, I got Twilight's old friends to realize that they won't be getting Fluttershy but if you could go and find this hot little pegasus named Angel Wings that Twilight once wanted it would be much appreciated. You see, they have this thing for sexy pegasi and will be happy if they can have her. Also, while she is in a terrible mood right now, Twilight did agree to releasing that worthless junkie and that slutty vet. I just hope the hell her bitching doesn't get too bad but one bit of good news, she is finally going to find somepony else to make miserable with her damn whining and complaining so I suppose I should thank you.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
Thank you for making sure that my dear friend Fluttershy will not fall victim to four incredibly horrible mares and that her friends will not remain locked up. Now I do hope that we can all get along much better, even though Twilight wouldn't let me be temporary headdraconeqqus back when I created all that chaos at her school. Don't worry, I won't be sending anypony to an alternate dimension.
Happy Fluttershy Escaped a Horrible Fate,
Discord
Dear Discord,
You know what, I am in an extremely bad mood right now. I wound up releasing that junkie and that fucking vet so you won't go causing any problems. I don't get you. I do not get why the hell you care so much about that pathetic, vet screwing bitch who not only broke my heart but slandered so many ponies across Equestria. I know she was your first friend but that "friend" of yours is nothing more than a moral degenerate who will likely start screwing that vet again now that she is free....well that and getting high with that junkie.
Don't be surprised if your precious first friend winds up showing up with glazed over eyes and smelling worse than Applejack's hen house on a hundred degree day. Now I do have some good news, now you will be the one who receives all my bitchy letters and has to put up with my complaining since Celestia has finally proven to not be a total bitch although I still get pissed over her loving Starlight so much....and could you tell her that if Starlight is her daughter, to come take her off my hooves?
Upset With You,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Twilight,
You are calling Fluttershy a moral degenerate when you and your Canterlot friends have sexually assaulted her and those friends of yours tried to kill her? So she controlled you and had fun on the side but at least she never broke any laws and got away with them. Look, Fluttershy gave me a chance when nopony else would. She gave me a second chance and knew there was good in me when nopony else would believe it. You could learn a lot from Fluttershy, she is the Element of Kindness after all and while you are the Element of Magic, your magic can't even top that of a regular unicorn from a small town in the middle of nowhere.
Now I must cut this short because I am throwing a tea party for Fluttershy and it must be perfect.
Sincerely,
Discord
Dear Discord,
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you so much for freeing me from what would be an incredibly horrible fate. There is something I would like to know though. Why the hell weren't you there to stop the Pie Sisters from sexually assaulting me, why weren't you there to stop Twilight's bitch friends from nearly killing me and why didn't you come and cast a spell to heal me? I know we are friends but I can't help but wonder if the big brass put you up to this since they could erase you with no problems. Anyway, thanks for saving me from Colgate and her sex crazed friends. Now you better throw me a perfect tea party with lots of chaos, ok.
Your First Friend,
Fluttershy
Dear Fluttershy,
I am sorry I didn't come to save you during those times you brought up but I was in long meetings with the big brass about something very special, something that would make it impossible for Colgate and her friends to stalk you. They haven't agreed yet but hopefully they will green light it before too long.
Sincerely,
Discord