//------------------------------// // 41 – Saying Goodbye // Story: Playing House // by Krickis //------------------------------// Chapter Forty-One Saying Goodbye ⠀ ⠀ It was almost time. Everything they’d been building up for, everything they’d been waiting for, it was just a day away. And all Fluttershy could do was lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, wondering if it was all a huge mistake. She was at Rainbow’s, where she’d been since the band finished recording their EP. Recording sessions had gone smoothly, and everything was looking good for the tour. It was all looking up. In the morning, they’d make the drive to the first city on the tour and meet with the rest of the bands for the first time. They were finally doing it. So why did Fluttershy feel so bad? That wasn’t a fair question, she knew exactly why. She was leaving behind as much as she was gaining, and sometimes, she felt like it wasn’t a fair trade. She forced herself up. If she went to bed like this, she was just going to have nightmares. Instead, she walked out of the room and to the one next door. She knocked softly. “Rainbow, are you awake?” “Yeah, come on in.” Fluttershy opened the door and found Rainbow awake on her bed. Fluttershy took a seat beside her. “I guess you can’t sleep either, huh?” “No, I’m too excited.” Rainbow grinned, showing all the enthusiasm that Fluttershy wished she felt as well. “We’re finally on our way!” Although she didn’t feel like it, Fluttershy smiled anyway. “Yeah. Now if only we could sleep so it would get here already.” “Yeah, I know. I’ve been trying for like an hour, but I just couldn’t keep still.” “Yeah, me either.” “It’s still so hard to believe this is really happening.” Rainbow held her legs to her chest and looked down at her bed, making herself as small as possible. “But really, I’m kind of… scared…” Fluttershy placed her hand on her shoulder. “I know. Me too. But this is good! We’re doing something great here, and it’ll all work out.” “Yeah…” Rainbow stood up and stretched. “Well, trying to sleep is getting us nowhere. Wanna go downstairs for some ice cream?” Fluttershy smiled. “That sounds like a good idea.” They walked out of Rainbow’s bedroom, being quiet so they wouldn’t wake her parents. It didn’t matter much, however, because when they reached the kitchen, they found the light on and both of Rainbow’s parents sitting at the kitchen table. “What are you two still doing up?” Rainbow Blaze asked. “Big day tomorrow.” “Yeah, that’s why we’re up,” Rainbow said. “Can’t sleep. What about you two?” Rainbow Blaze and Firefly exchanged glances. They were both dressed in pajamas and had coffee mugs, so it wasn’t too hard to see that they too had failed to sleep. From there, it was easy enough to see why. “We’re just… a little nervous,” Firefly said. “It’s not every day that your little girl goes off on her own.” Rainbow blushed. “Mom, it’s only for six months, then I’ll be back here.” “I know, but still…” “I guess we’re all up for the same reason,” Rainbow Blaze said. “You two probably shouldn’t join us in coffee, though. How about I make some hot chocolate?” “Uh, sure,” Rainbow said awkwardly. She always did have a complicated relationship with her parents, and their suddenly being concerned for her had clearly thrown her off. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep Dashie from getting into too much trouble,” Fluttershy said with a smile. Blaze laughed. “I know we can count on you, Fluttershy.” Rainbow took a seat at the table, but Fluttershy couldn’t help but feel like she was intruding. She doubted any of the others would agree, but she also knew this was a delicate situation between parents that had never managed to fully connect with their daughter. “Uhm, I think I’ll pass on the hot chocolate,” Fluttershy said. “Actually, I think I’d like to get out to clear my head for a bit, if that’s okay.” “What? This late?” Rainbow shot her a worried look, no doubt concerned about facing her parents alone. Still, Fluttershy knew that would be best for all of them. “Just for a bit. I’ll be back soon.” “Surely it’s too late to go for a walk now,” Firefly said, and not without reason. Fluttershy turned to Rainbow. “Uhm, is it okay if I take the van? I think… I think a drive sounds like the perfect thing to get my head clear.” Rainbow frowned, but Fluttershy knew she’d agree. “Uh, sure I guess. My keys are on my bedside table.” Fluttershy nodded. “Thank you, I’ll be back before too long.” Fluttershy left the family to themselves and went back upstairs. Rainbow may be her sister, but that didn’t make her parents Fluttershy’s as well. They were very accommodating to their house guest, but they had always been distant from all of Rainbow’s friends, Fluttershy included. Her first stop was her room, where she changed into proper clothes. Spring may be only days away, but it was still chilly out at night, so she dressed warmly. From there, she stopped back in Rainbow’s room to grab the keys, then went back downstairs. From the living room, she could see Firefly and Rainbow hugging in the kitchen and knew she made the right call. Her not being around would allow the family to let down their guard just enough to have a meaningful goodbye. Fluttershy left through the front door and walked to the edge of the driveway, where Rainbow’s van was parked. She technically still didn’t have her license, but with all of Pinkie’s driving lessons, she had become a very competent driver. She’d even driven Rainbow’s van a few times, so she had nothing to be worried about. She started the van without thinking of where to go, if for no other reason than to get the heat on. Although it really wasn’t too bad out, even in the night air. The snow had melted and the weather was taking a turn for warmth. She began driving aimlessly at first, thinking of where she might go as she drove. She thought of Applejack’s so that she might visit Sky one more time, but she didn’t want to risk disturbing any of the sleeping Apples. Besides, that would lead to an awkward situation since they decided to avoid long goodbyes by not letting anyone know they were back in town. Of course, Fluttershy also had another reason to keep that secret. Thinking about Sweet Apple Acres gave Fluttershy another idea. She wouldn’t go to the farm house, but there was somewhere nearby that she always enjoyed. One of her favorite places – Everfree National Park. She set a course for there and turned on the radio, hoping to drown out her thoughts as much as clear them away. Once she made it to Everfree, she would feel comfortable enough being out on foot and could take a short walk, then head back. Hopefully that would tire her out enough to finally get some sleep. The radio didn’t help much, but it did what it could. She flipped through stations and sighed as she realized there weren’t any punk bands on any of them. Not that she really wanted to listen to punk music – Rainbow had some CDs in the car if she was in the mood for that – but it would’ve been nice to have heard something like that playing on the radio before the tour. Instead, she settled on an upbeat pop song, something that would get stuck in her head and hopefully replace other thoughts. She sang along loudly as she drove. By the time she reached Everfree, she had sung through four or five songs, each of which had been a standard pop earworm. She left the van humming along with the last one and started her walk. It was the first time she had been back to Everfree since Christmas. She thought back to that day and smiled, thinking about how happy she had been. Seeing that deer had been incredible, and the forest was simply beautiful in the snow and morning light. Of course, that wasn’t why she had been happy. She knew that. That had all been part of it, but really, it all came down to the company she’d had. She’d been so happy then. She’d been happy. Nothing else. No bad emotions being covered up. Just happy and at peace with herself and her life. Had she felt like that since then? Had there been one single day since Christmas that she had felt something as simple and pure and good as undiluted happiness? No. She didn’t think so, at least. Even when things started going well for Bitchette, that had come at a cost, and it wasn’t one Fluttershy had wanted to pay. Fluttershy stopped and sighed. She looked back to where she had parked and could still see the van. She decided to turn around. This wasn’t helping, it was only making herself feel worse. She walked back with her head hung low. She didn’t even bother trying to keep the thoughts of Sunset from her mind on the way back. It was pointless, she was all Fluttershy had been able to think about since wrapping up the EP recording. She wished she didn’t have to lie to her. That had hurt Sunset, and she knew it. But it might’ve been the only way to get Sunset to move on from her, and she knew that too. Pretending like she’d found someone new, that she’d done anything but sleep alone and cry at night while wishing she was still with Sunset, that was how Fluttershy would force Sunset to move on. It wasn’t kind, but it would give them both what they needed. It gave Sunset a reason to move on, and it let Fluttershy have an excuse for why she couldn’t get back together with her. Because she couldn’t. She wanted to. She wanted to be able to go out with Bitchette on tour and come back to Sunset waiting for her, she wanted that life that Sunset promised. But it was like Applejack said. Sunset accepted anything if she was given enough time, which included things that were bad for her. Like this would be. Fluttershy couldn’t give Sunset the life she really wanted, the life she deserved. She reached the van, but didn’t go in it. She’d barely given Rainbow any time with her parents, and she had nowhere else to go. She sighed and leaned against it, pulling out her phone. Her lock screen showed Fluttershy with Bitchette, one of the shots they had taken to include in the EP. Fluttershy was credited as a producer and songwriter on it, so they decided to include her in one of the pictures. They weren’t actually sure if it would be included in the actual release, since they’d taken more pictures than they’d need so the label could use the ones they wanted to, but Fluttershy had been thrilled to be included. She unlocked the phone and opened her image app, scrolling through pictures until she found one of herself and Sunset. The picture threatened to bring tears to Fluttershy’s eyes, but she couldn’t look away. She was weak. She always was, when it came down to it. She wanted to put distance between herself and Sunset and let her move on, but she was just too weak. Fluttershy opened her texting app and found Sunset in it. She sent one quick message. ‘At Everfree if you want to come say goodbye.’ She watched the text bubble pop up and the message change from ‘sending’ to ‘sent’. That was it, from there it was up to Sunset what happened next. It didn’t come as a surprise when she got a reply. ‘I’m on my way.’ Fluttershy put her phone back in her pocket and waited. She knew she shouldn’t have texted Sunset. She only had to make it through one more night, then she wouldn’t have any worries about being too close to Sunset anymore. Sure, Sunset said she’d come see them and Fluttershy said she’d get her backstage, but that was a far cry from meeting up alone at night and in a place special to them. But Fluttershy was just so damn weak… She didn’t bother to go anywhere as she waited. Better to stay where Sunset could easily find her. Besides, the forest itself would only give her more memories. It wasn’t that she could escape them by staying outside of the forest, but still. Sunset must have sped to get there as fast as she did, which didn’t surprise Fluttershy at all. She always did throw caution to the wind when Fluttershy was involved. Yet another reason to distance them… What did surprise Fluttershy was that she arrived with her guitar strapped to her back. It couldn’t have been easy to ride her motorcycle with that. She didn’t draw attention to it as she got off her bike, however. She didn’t bother to lock up, and she just took off her helmet and left it on the handlebar. She walked up to Fluttershy wide-eyed and tentatively, as if Fluttershy was a deer who might run away at the slightest provocation. “Shy… I didn’t think I’d get to say goodbye.” “Hi, Sunny,” Fluttershy said, not managing to meet Sunset’s eyes completely. Sunset stopped a few feet away from Fluttershy and awkwardly scratched her neck. “So… what changed to get you back in town?” “We’re leaving in the morning, but Rainbow wanted the time to say goodbye to her parents.” It was mostly true, it just left out that Fluttershy had been back all week. “Then you should say goodbye to Pinkie and Applejack,” Sunset said. “It would mean a lot to them.” “I know, but…” Fluttershy turned away. “I can’t. I can’t do any other hard goodbyes. I just wanted to see you one last time.” “Okay.” Sunset took off her guitar and leaned against the van. She noticed Fluttershy looking at the guitar case and held it up. “For you. That acoustic guitar isn’t going to cut it touring around with a punk band, you know.” “What? No, I can’t take your guitar.” “I want you to. That way you… you have a piece of me when you’re out on the road. Not like I’ll play it much anyway.” “Sunny…” “Please? You can bring it back after the tour’s over if you want, just… I really want you to have it.” Fluttershy hesitated, but she took the guitar. “I’ll bring it back to you after the tour’s done. I’ll take good care of it.” Sunset smiled. “I know you will.” They were silent for a moment, both of them looking ahead instead of at one another. Fluttershy wasn’t sure what to say. She had wanted to see Sunset one more time, but now that she did, how was she supposed to carry on a conversation as if things were just okay between them? At least Sunset seemed a little more at ease with talking, even if her tone was forced. “So, how are things going with the band? Did you guys get that EP recorded?” Fluttershy smiled, glad to have a relatively safe topic to get onto. “It went well. It’s going to take a little while for the EP to get pressed, so for the first few shows we’ll only have our demo to sell. But we got to record in a professional studio with producers and everything.” “That sounds really cool. Bet you all learned a lot from that too.” Fluttershy nodded. “We did. Especially me, I think. I… I think I want to produce Bitchette’s songs myself in the future, if I can. I got credited as a co-producer on this EP for all my input.” Sunset grinned. “Holy shit, that’s amazing, Shy! So that means you’ll get a portion of the sales too, right?” “Yes, as well as songwriting royalties because they recorded some songs I helped with.” “Geez, that’s cool. I’m so happy for you, Shy.” “Thanks, Sunny.” “This whole thing is really great. I… I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I can see that all my negativity was just being scared of losing you. So I’m sorry, I know you can do this, and I’m really happy for you all.” “Thank you,” Fluttershy said, but when she got a good look at Sunset, it was written in her face that she was still struggling with everything. “But, you know, you don’t have to pretend to be happy just for my sake. I… I know this isn’t what you wanted…” “Well… no.” Sunset shifted awkwardly. “I am happy for you, really. But… I am also sad for me.” “I’m kind of sad for me too,” Fluttershy said before she could think better of it. “When we were good, we were really good. I’m going to miss a lot of things about us.” “Yeah…” Sunset took a deep breath and didn’t even try to fake a smile. “So how are things going with your new girl?” Fluttershy was so tempted to confess that there was no other girl, that she made the whole thing up. She barely held it together and kept up her lie. “Things are going good. We… we haven’t gotten to see much of each other, but we will on the tour.” Sunset nodded. “I’m looking forward to meeting her at one of your shows. Really.” Crap, Fluttershy hadn’t thought of that. Well, that was a bridge to cross later. “You really don’t have to pretend –” “I’m not.” Sunset turned to look at Fluttershy. “Shy, I just want you to be happy. That’s what I want more than anything. And… and if she makes you happy, then… then I’m grateful.” Fluttershy wasn’t sure what to say, so she didn’t say anything. Sunset took another deep breath and looked down at the ground. “And… and I can’t really be too jealous. I… I kind of hooked up with Flash again.” Fluttershy inhaled sharply, then tried her best to pretend like that was just from surprise. “Really?” “Yeah. We… we were kinda drunk.” It hurt. It hurt so bad to know that Sunset was moving on from her, but that was just the same way that Fluttershy had already hurt her. This was what she earned for herself. “I’m… that’s really good, Sunny. I’m sure you two will be great together this time around.” “Well, there won’t really be a ‘this time’. We’re… we’re not really dating again. I think it was just a one time thing, we both felt awful in the morning.” Somehow the knowledge that it didn’t mean anything to Sunset, that she had just slept with him for the hell of it hurt even worse. But Fluttershy held her tongue, she was in no position to criticize Sunset now. “I see. Well, keep looking for someone else. You deserve to be happy with someone.” “Yeah, maybe…” Fluttershy couldn’t take anymore. She was one wrong look from falling into Sunset’s arms and confessing everything to her, one wrong comment from begging Sunset to come with them so they could work things out on the road. She needed to get away. “I should get back to Rainbow’s. We have to leave early in the morning.” “Yeah, okay.” Sunset looked at Fluttershy, then closed the distance between them. Before Fluttershy could even decide if it was something she wanted, they were in each other’s arms. It was just a hug, but it was so much more. Sunset clung to Fluttershy as Fluttershy clung back to Sunset. Everything unspoken passed between them, and Fluttershy didn’t want it to end. “I love you, Shy…” Sunset said. Fluttershy winced. She couldn’t return that, couldn’t tell her that now. “I know you do. I’m sorry.” They pulled apart and Fluttershy could see the hurt on Sunset’s face, as clear as day. But that was good, in a way. If she hurt, she might move on. “Take care of yourself, Shy.” Fluttershy had to blink back the tears. “You too, Sunny.” Sunset took a step back, then turned and walked away. Fluttershy opened the passenger door of the van to put the guitar inside it, then walked around to the driver’s side. She got in and started the engine, but she didn’t drive away. Instead, she watched as Sunset drove away in the rearview mirror. “I love you too, Sunny…”